Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Burton — Continuing NASCAR's recent run of stirring last-lap battles, Burton passed Matt Kenseth on the final lap in Texas to win the Samsung 500. Burton, driving the No. 31 Prilosec Chevrolet, collected the winner's check of $526,766, as well as a 10-gallon cowboy had and a pair of six-shooters. Burton was also earlier honored with the Texas Motorsports Hall of Fame Sportsmanship Award.
"What an honor," says Burton. "And what a great prize — a pair of leather chaps. But if anyone thinks I'm going to wear them, they're absolutely right. I hear Juan Pablo Montoya throws some wild parties. As far as the race goes, I'd like to thank my main sponsor, Prilosec, for keeping me heartburn-free. And good luck to Prilosec on their next sponsorship deal, the contract negotiations between Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and DEI."
2. Jeff Gordon — Gordon started from the pole after qualifying's rainout and led 173 laps before scraping the wall with about 25 laps remaining. His lead quickly evaporated, but he held on for a fourth-place finish, and barely maintained his points lead, now only eight over Jeff Burton.
"That wall had no give," says Gordon. "I have to question its tactics there. I will say this, though. The wall raced me cleaner than Jimmie Johnson at Martinsville. And that's the easiest pole I've ever won. Come rain or come shine, Jeff Gordon is on the pole, and Michael Waltrip doesn't qualify. But, in Michael's defense, this time it wasn't lack of skill that resulted in his failure to qualify. It was rain."
3. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth took the lead soon after Jeff Gordon smacked the wall with about 25 laps to go and battled Jeff Burton to the finish. Kenseth, however, was unable to deny Burton, who passed the No. 17 Fusion on the last lap. Kenseth settled for second, once again the victim of a last-lap pass.
"Am I disappointed?" asks Kenseth. "You bet. But not as disappointed as the fans of Michael Waltrip. I hear there was quite a contingent of Waltrip female fans, known as the 'NAPA-headed Ho's,' who didn't even get to see him race."
4. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson was an unfortunate victim of the Tony Stewart/Juan Pablo Montoya dust-up on lap 234. Johnson, blinded by the smoke from Stewart's spinning car, rammed the No. 20, and sat in the garage for over 20 laps for repairs. He eventually finished 38th and fell one spot to fourth in the points.
"I guess Montoya and Stewart won't be chit-chatting about romance novels," says Johnson. "Although that's some quality entertainment I would pay good money to see, much like Courtney Love walking a straight line. It was just a matter of time before the Stewart/Montoya feud started. This is what it's like when world's collide. Stewart and Montoya mix like oil and water, or Pop Rocks and Coke, or Don Imus and sensitivity, or the words 'nappy-headed' and 'ho's.'”
5. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin held down the fort for Joe Gibbs Racing, finishing ninth while teammates Tony Stewart and J.J. Yeley each endured a forgettable day at Texas Motor Speedway. Yeley was wiped out by David Ragan on lap one, while Stewart was spun by Juan Pablo Montoya on lap 234. Hamlin moves up one spot to fifth in the points, 222 behind Jeff Gordon.
"I've got a feeling the Montoya/Stewart feud will get a little more media coverage than the Yeley/Ragan feud," says Hamlin, gearing up for the NFL Draft, in which Gibbs has given him full control of the 'Skins' first pick. "Yeley versus Ragan. If that were a boxing match, it wouldn't even be on pay-per-view. In other words, it wouldn't be seen at all. Stewart versus Montoya has all the makings of a heavyweight title match, just without the punches, tattooed faces, missing ears, a wife-beating HBO boxing announcer, and a wild-haired, crazed self-promoter. No, I'm not talking about Al Sharpton.”
6. Carl Edwards — Edwards finished 12th in the Samsung 500 after finishing third in Saturday's O'Reilly 300. He leads in the Busch Series point standings, and is eighth in the Nextel Cup standings, 299 out of first.
"And, for the 56th straight week," says Edwards, "I'm first in teeth. Look at these babies. Aren't they perfect? Kids, let this mouth be your lesson in dental hygiene. Don't eat too many sweets, and always brush after every chew, dip, or smoke.”
7. Clint Bowyer — Despite ongoing handling issues that caused him to finish a lap down, Bowyer moved up to fifth in the points with a 16th in Texas, the middleman in an up-and-down day for Richard Childress Racing. Teammate Jeff Burton won the race, while Kevin Harvick struggled to a 29th-place finish.
“I'd like to congratulate Jeff on a huge win,” says Bowyer, “and for his role as a presenter at the 2007 CMT Music Awards Show, although I have to admit I'm a little jealous. As the driver of the Jack Daniel's car, I feel it's my duty to remind the new breed of bottled water-sipping country stars about the good ole days, when country stars not only sang about drinking liquor, they actually drank it. Hank, Waylon, and crew drank water for one reason only: to chase their liquor.”
8. Mark Martin — Picking up right where he left off before sitting out the last two races, Martin finished third in Texas for his fifth top-10 in five races. He is the only driver with top-10 in each race started. Martin is now 11th in the points, 342 out of first.
"Now that my missionary work is done," says Martin, "I can devote my full attention to racing. Or, at least until I have to leave for my next hiatus, a two-week mission on the space shuttle Atlantis this summer, where I'll record my new rap album Happy Dreaded Joe's, which, as the title would suggest, is a concept album that chronicles the adventures of a fun-loving group of Jamaicans, all named Joe. Oh snap. I said 'chronic.' Time to roll. I gotta go.”
9. Tony Stewart — Stewart's rough day began when he was spun by Juan Pablo Montoya, and was exacerbated when he lost control and spun on lap 252, which resulted in Kyle Busch ramming Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Afterwards, while speaking to reporters about the Montoya incident, Stewart forgave Montoya, calling it a rookie mistake, then warned the Colombian that he wouldn't get any kind of help from Stewart in the future.
“And, I've sworn off Colombian coffee,” adds Stewart, “and I've destroyed my Shakira record collection, all two CDs. I'm done with all things Colombian. Juan Chico must have some Chip on his shoulder. He clearly wrecked me, but he's claiming I made him loose. That's bull. But who am I to complain? JPM is just a Colombian version of me, just with two fewer Cup titles (none) and two fewer friends (none). I think we'll be spending quite a bit of time together in the NASCAR port-a-office in the upcoming weeks.”
10. Kyle Busch — After slamming Dale Earnhardt, Jr., who had braked to avoid the spinning Tony Stewart, Busch left the track thinking his car was irreparable. However, his crew repaired his car, but Busch was nowhere to be seen, having left the track.
“Okay, maybe I'm guilty of leaving the scene of an accident,” says Busch, “but at least I kept my shoes on. I do apologize for leaving, but I didn't go AWOL for no reason. Once I left the track, I held a press conference denouncing the Car of Tomorrow, although we didn't even run it in Texas. I just felt like bad-mouthing something. We Busch brothers are known not only for our lanky geekiness and elephant ears, but also for never having kind words to say about anything.”
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