Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Atlanta @ Jacksonville (-10 ½)
Wow! Did it look like the Vikings had Joey Harrington well-scouted? Harrington served up a generous helping of interceptions returnable for touchdowns against the Vikings in the Falcons' 24-3 loss.
"Man, it was almost like I'd played for six seasons for a team in their division," says a flustered Harrington. "They even knew my snap cadence, and I don't even know what a snap cadence is. I've really got to be more proficient at recognizing blitzes. I just wish someone would have told me earlier that 'hot reads' aren't romance novels."
The Jags gave up 282 yards on the ground to the Titans and lost, 13-10. It was not the start to the season Jack Del Rio had hoped for.
"I got all dressed up for this?" says Del Rio. "Aren't we the team that's supposed to rush for over 270 yards against a team that eventually wins the Super Bowl? If history is any indication, we're looking good to win the Super Bowl. I didn't realize what Byron Leftwich meant to our defense. Otherwise, he'd still be here, in my doghouse. But, since he's not, wouldn't it make sense for the Falcons to pick him up? He's familiar with our defense."
Is there any way the Jaguars lose this? Going 0-2 at home to start their season would be disastrous towards their playoff hopes, and equally disastrous to their hopes of going 6-10. Look on the bright side, Jack. Lose this one, and you'll already be well-dressed for a new job interview. The Jaguar defense stacks up to stop the run, forcing Harrington to make the tough throws he's demonstrated he can't make for the last seven years. Jags win, 23-9.
Buffalo @ Pittsburgh (-9)
The Mike Tomlin era began with a flourish, as the Steelers whipped division foe Cleveland 34-7 for the first of two automatic wins this year. The Steelers performed just as Tomlin had hoped, with dominating defense and efficiency and explosiveness in the running and passing games.
"Just like Bill Cowher would have liked it," says Tomlin. "Just with a little more soul. Darker skin and half the chin. This is pretty much the same team that won the Super Bowl two years ago. We still have the horses, and Joey Porter's pit bulls aren't around to attack them. With the Bengals and Ravens beating up on each other, we should win the AFC North easily."
Maybe so, Mike, but in a physical division like the North, division hopes can go out the window, or off the windshield, in a matter of moments. The Steelers force two J.P. Losman turnovers, one caused by a blitz from the "Samoan Highlight Film" Troy Polamalu. Pittsburgh wins, 20-9. Tomlin goes to 2-0 as head coach, and Steely McBeam improves to 2-0 as Steelers' mascot.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland (+6)
Does Romeo Crenel think that playing Brady Quinn so early in the season is an admission that the season is lost? Quinn got no action last Sunday in the Browns' 34-7 loss to Pittsburgh, even though starter Charlie Frye and backup Derek Anderson were a combined 17-of-38 for 218 yards and 2 interceptions.
"It seems that playing Frye and Anderson is an admission that the season is lost," says Quinn. "I'm ready. I played for Charlie Weiss at Notre Dame. I know what Coach Crenel wants. Obviously, I can't escape the gravitational pull of former New England coordinators. I hate to quote Keyshawn Johnson, but 'Give me the damn ball.'"
Well, Brady, you just passed Frye on the depth chart, but only because he was traded to Seattle. Now you sit on the depth chart between Anderson and Ken Dorsey, who just showed up on Cleveland's doorstep, wrapped in swaddling clothing.
"Touchdown, Jesus Christ!" exclaims Quinn.
The Bengals can take comfort in a game against possibly the league's worst team, and they can take comfort in the plight of Browns cornerback Leigh Bodden, who was arrested for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after he drove in reverse down a one-way street and became verbally abusive at the Cleveland airport.
"Yeah, we call that 'going to the airport' around here," says Bengals linebacker Ahmad Brooks. "Our legal troubles are in the past. But they have made us stronger and wiser. You know, I'm inspired by Chad Johnson's touchdown celebration last Monday in which he donned a jacket with 'Future H.O.F. 20??' on the back. The next time I make a big play, I'll have an orange jumpsuit with 'Future D.O.C. 20??' on the back. Hall of fame, department of corrections — you got to leave your mark where you know best."
The Bengals hope to avoid a letdown after Monday night's huge win, and the Dawg Pound in Cleveland will be rowdy. Crenel naively responds to the home crowd's second quarter chants of "Quinn! Quinn!" by requesting "Bohemian Rhapsody" be played over the public address system. Chad Johnson has his way, catching 8 passes for 120 yards and a score, which he celebrates by unveiling a bust in his likeness attached to a blocking dummy with "Canton" printed on the padding. Cincinnati wins, 30-17.
Green Bay @ NY Giants (-2)
Brett Favre passed John Elway with his 148th win as a starting quarterback as the Packers beat the Eagles 16-13 at Lambeau Field. Favre gracefully thanked his teammates, clearly the most talented collection of players he's ever been associated with, and also thanked the Eagles' punt return team.
"J.R. Reid and Greg Lewis think they had trouble fielding punts last Sunday," says Favre. "Wait until Philly mob hoods Vinny and Joey take a pool cue to their wrists. I think they call it a 'fair catch.' I know from experience, it hurts. But that didn't stop me from playing, and it was my throwing arm."
On Monday, ESPN's Chris Montenson reported that Eli Manning would be out for a month due to a shoulder injury suffered against the Cowboys. The Giants fired back, saying there was no truth to that report, which usually is a clear indication that the report is, in fact, true. Later in the week, it was announced that Mannning was day-to-day.
"Chris Mortenson is a liar," says NBC studio analyst Tiki Barber. "Read all about it in my new book. Also, Manning is not who you think he is. I know for a fact that his credit rating is below 400."
Manning is not the only injury casualty for the Giants that impacts this game. Running back Brandon Jacobs and defensive end Osi Umenyiora are both out. With Manning playing hurt and with a backup running back, the Packers defense will key on stopping Plaxico Burress. Charles Woodson shuts down Burress, and Favre and the Pack grind out a tough 20-17 win.
Houston @ Carolina (-6 ½)
It looks like the Super Bowl-capable Panthers showed up last Sunday, controlling what was supposed to be an explosive Rams offense in a 27-13 win. Which begs the question: who were those impostors? The Rams or the Panthers?
"The only imposter I'm aware of is the cheap cologne I'm wearing," says gum-smacking Panther head coach John Fox. "You know, designer impostors. I'm wearing something called 'Polio' by some cat named Wal-Mart Brand. As far as my team's play, I can't complain. I am, however, extremely disappointed that two of our cheerleaders didn't engage in a position called the 'St. Louis Arch' in a bathroom stall at some point last weekend."
The Texans finally got the big game from defensive end Mario Williams, drafted ahead of Reggie Bush in 2006, as Williams recorded two sacks and returned a fumble for a touchdown in their 20-3 win over the Chiefs.
"Take that, Reggie Bush," says Williams. "I've got six points, you've got zero. I play defense, and I showed more offense than you did against the Colts. Sure, nobody recognizes me unless I'm in full uniform, provided my name is on my jersey and a stadium announcer introduces me, but that doesn't matter. It may have taken me 16 months, but I've finally validated the Texans' No. 1 pick."
The Panthers' level of play undulates more than the Atlantic Ocean, but their manhandling of the Rams in St. Louis was impressive. More impressive than the Texans handling of a less-than-mediocre Chiefs team. Julius Peppers shows Williams how a real defensive star dominates a game, with two sacks, several knockdowns, and a fourth quarter TKO. Delhomme is solid for the second straight week, and the Panthers win, 24-10.
Indianapolis @ Tennessee (+7)
The Titans piled up an amazing 282 yards rushing against a Jaguars defense that was geared to stop the run in a mildly surprising 13-10 win. What's even more surprising, the Titans rushed for 282 yards, and only scored 13 points! That won't cut it against the Colts, who are likely to break 13 at some point early in the second quarter.
"Look, the only way to slow the Indy offense is to keep the ball away from them," says Jeff Fisher, who, as usual, is offering free mustache rides, but, as of yet, has no takers. "Now, if we could get the officials involved in this 'keep away' scheme, then we might be successful. Otherwise, we'll just have to hope that Vince again has some superhuman power up his sleeve, in his magician's hat, or in his UnderArmor du-rag, to pull out an unlikely win."
That won't happen. The Colts shut down New Orleans high-powered offense, and have had 10 days to rest and bask in the glory of a 1-0 record, which still leaves plenty of time (a day and a half, maybe) to understand the Tennessee offensive tendency, which is to run the heck out of the ball. The Titans will try to establish the run, and will see moderate success, but so what if they get a couple of touchdowns. The Indy offense will get at least four.
"There's only one thing that can stop us," says Manning. "If I can't shake these disturbing images involving my mother Olivia, the family dog, and Matt Leinart, by game time, the Titans have a chance."
Manning clears his head, and throws for 260 yards and 2 touchdowns. Indy wins, 26-17.
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay (+3)
Unlike Don Imus, the Buccaneers are offensively-challenged. They managed only two field goals in last Sunday's 20-6 loss to the Seahawks.
"Hey, don't mention us with the name of that leathery-faced, two-bit radio hack," says Tampa's John Gruden, peering from underneath his Bucs' visor. "Although I am interested to see how his new show on ESPN, PTI-mus, in which the gravelly-voiced codger will offer racially-insensitive remarks based on the day's sports news in minute-long segments, will fare. I say it will be a hit, although I have a feeling the nappy-headed ho demographic ratings won't be high."
The Saints will try to cross the goal line as an offense for the first time this Sunday. Their offense was held without an offensive touchdown against the Colts, and Reggie Bush and Deuce McAllister were held to under 100 yards combined on the ground.
"Reggie's got to be more decisive on his runs," says Saints coach Sean Payton. "I want to seem him give the same attention to hitting a hole at full speed that he spends making sure his pencil-thin beard conforms to the exact outline of his jaw-line. That is meticulous. I want his preparation to be the same."
It's never fun breaking out of an offensive slump in Tampa against what is usually a solid defense. But the Saints will find holes in the aging Bucs defense. Bush will find the end zone somehow, and the Saints defense will handle a banged-up Tampa offense. New Orleans wins, 24-14.
San Francisco @ St. Louis (-3)
Did I hear Shannon Sharpe of CBS pick the Rams to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl? And did I hear Dan Marino, Phil Simms, and Greg Gumbel chuckling at Sharpe's assertion?
"Oh no," says San Francisco's Mike Nolan. "That was all out laughter. I think I even saw milk coming out of someone's nose. And Bill Cowher completely sprayed the main camera. But Sharpe's paid to do as an analyst exactly what he was paid to do as a player — make the controversial statements. Sure, he had to make the occasional catch, but talking was always what Shannon did best. Heck, who knows? He may be right. It's only Week 2. Everything's up in the air about the NFC West. Which will probably be the case in the fourth quarter of Week 17."
The Rams face what is pretty close to a must-win situation after last Sunday's 27-13 loss to the Panthers. A loss to the 49ers and the Rams go 0-2 at home. Keys to victory will be the performance of an offensive line minus Orlando Pace, and Steven Jackson's ability to hang on to the ball.
"I've seen Lobster Boy with a better hold on the ball than that," says Scott Linehan, "and he technically doesn't have hands. Those claws do come in handy when bitch-slappin' time rolls around, though."
Sharpe makes an inspirational plea to the Rams: win or I'll look dumber than I already do. The Rams, out of respect for Shannon's brother Sterling, put forth their best effort of the year. Jackson takes a screen pass for a score, but fumbles the spike attempt. St. Louis wins, 27-21.
Dallas @ Miami (+3)
It wasn't a particularly good opening day for the 2007 Miami Dolphins, who lost to Washington 16-13 in overtime, but for the grumpy old men that comprise the surviving members of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins, opening day is always great. On opening day, half of the league's 32 teams are eliminated from an undefeated season, thereby ending their quests to match the '72 Dolphins undefeated season.
"I didn't think it was possible to be bitter about an undefeated season," says Miami quarterback Trent Green, who vaguely remembers the Dolphins 14-7 win in Super Bowl VI, and faintly recalls yesterday. "What's my name again? Hey, at least we've got the pressure of an undefeated season off of us now. I feel better."
Dallas exploded for 45 points in a 45-35 win over the Giants last Sunday night. Tony Romo tossed four touchdown passes and ran for another score in Wade Phillips' successful debut as coach.
"If we would have score 45 with Bill Parcells as our coach," says Romo, "he would have congratulated us on a fine three-game output. I like the offense Wade has installed. We're going for touchdowns instead of settling for field goals. And you know what can happen when we settle for field goals. Holds get botched, kicks are missed, kickers are fired, and the next thing you know, Jose Cortez is on the team."
The Cowboys certainly won't score 45 on the Dolphins, and the 'Fins certainly won't drop 35 on the 'Boys. I don't think. Wasn't defense supposed to be Dallas' calling card this year? I guess not. It's all about the offense. Romo flips two scores, one to Terrell Owens, whose got an "A" for conduct so far this year. The Dallas defense makes a stand, forcing a Miami punt. Dallas wins, 23-13. Former Cowboy Nate Newton is arrested at Pro Player Stadium will call when he goes looking for a package postmarked "Bogota, Colombia."
Minnesota @ Detroit (-3)
The Lions gave the state of Michigan its first win of the year with a 36-21 win over the Oakland Raiders in the Black Hole. This was supposed to be a Raider team with a strong defense, but they surrendered 392 total yards to the Lions.
"'Black Hole' is right," says Jon Kitna. "They wear black, and there were plenty of holes. I'm of good mind to raise my prediction of wins this year from 10 to 16. Between myself, Mike Furrey, and Roy Williams, we've made more guarantees than we had wins last year."
That's great, Kitna. You've came through on 1/10th of a guarantee. I'm not impressed, and neither is Joe Namath. Hey, you should have trotted proudly off that field with your index finger held high, signifying your one win.
Kitna and the Lions will face the Vikings, whose defense scored more than their offense in a 24-3 win over Atlanta. Defensive end Kevin Williams and cornerback Antoine Winfield each returned interceptions for touchdowns.
"We know we'll get our chances against Detroit's pass-happy offense," says Winfield. "Kitna's no Joey Harrington, but he's still in a Lions uniform."
Lions win, 24-20.
Seattle @ Arizona (+3)
What does Matt Leinart have that Matt Hasselbeck doesn't? Well, on the plus side, Leinart's five o'clock shadow sports more hair than Hasselbeck's head. On the negative side, Leinart has a perverted habit of overly massaging the laces on the football, the result of either some bad advice from Archie Manning, or a habit began in his formative years of unlacing the corsets of many a young lady.
"I like my footballs like I like my women," says Leinart. "In leather. I'm the only quarterback in the league who's little black book has more pages than the playbook. I get more multiple looks from women than I do defenses. I've seen more doubleteams off the field than on."
Until someone knocks them down, the Seahawks are still kings of the NFC West. Hasselbeck may suffer from male pattern baldness, but that's not his fault. It's his mother's father's fault, that bald-headed geek. Hasselbeck produces an efficient 18-for-23, 220-yard day, and Shaun Alexander rushes for a short score. Seahawks win, 24-16.
Kansas City @ Chicago (-12)
A week after holding LaDainian Tomlinson to 25 yards on 17 carries, the Bears will get a shot at another AFC West superstar in Larry Johnson. L.T. still managed two touchdowns against the Bears, one on the ground and one through the air, but that was enough for the Chargers as the Bear offense got nowhere.
"We know the Chiefs' plan on feeding us a steady diet of L.J.," says Lovie Smith. "Let me clarify before the league suspends us for an illegal substance: 'L.J.' is Larry Johnson. We know Herman Edwards will have the Chiefs prepared to play their very best. He's got this unique and revolutionary strategy called 'playing to win the game.' That philosophy is always tough to beat."
Actually, the Chiefs best hope to win, or at least stay in the game, is to pound Johnson in the middle of a Bears defense depleted by the losses of lineman Dusty Dvoracek and safety Mike Brown. And they'll need at least a three-turnover Rex Grossman game. Sorry, Chiefs. The Bears are pissed, coming off a loss, and at home. Three strikes, you're out. Chicago wins, 26-10.
NY Jets @ Baltimore (-7 1/2)
It took less than a game, but those loyal New York fans turned on Jets quarterback Chad Pennington, and cheered when he injured his ankle in the Jets 38-14 loss to the Patriots.
"I've got a hand signal I'd like videotaped and played for those fans," says Pennington. "Get me the Patriots audio-visual team on the double. And see if we can get Timbaland to produce."
The Ravens suffered a 27-20 loss to Cincinnati when a potential tying touchdown pass was negated because of offensive interference on Todd Heap.
"Sounds like somebody was trying to throw the game," says Heap. "No, I'm not talking about that referee. I'm talking about the guys responsible for our 6 turnovers."
If you're looking for drama, look elsewhere. This game will pack all the drama of a Kid Rock/Tommy Lee fight, or a Kanye West/50 Cent album-selling contest, and all the subtlety of a Pam Anderson sex tape. And speaking of the Pam Anderson sex tape, can someone send the Patriots a copy of one? Reviewing footage of Jets coaches flashing hand signals can't be as exciting.
With or without Ray Lewis, the Ravens defense will come out smoking. You've got to hand it to a defense that gives up only 27 points to an offense like Cincinnati's, despite 6 turnovers and an injured Lewis. With Steve McNair and Jonathan Ogden hurting, the Ravens will look for their defense to set the tone. With an injured Chad Pennington or backup Kellen Clemens at quarterback, the Ravens smell blood. Baltimore wins, 22-7.
Oakland @ Denver (-9 1/2)
No. 1 pick Jamarcus Russell finally signed, agreeing to a six-year, $37 million contract that makes him the second highest-paid person who doesn't understand the Raider playbook behind Al Davis. Russell celebrated by partying until the wee hours with the surprisingly lively Raiders owner in Davis' catacomb.
"What a night!" says Russell. "I'm $37 million richer, but I seem to be coming up about two pints short on blood."
Somehow, the Broncos squeezed only 15 points out of 470 yards of total offense in a narrow 15-14 win over the Bills. Jason Elam kicked the game-winning 42-yard field goal as time expired.
"I can't explain it either," says Mike Shanahan. "But rest assured. Roc Hoover is on it."
Well, it may have something to do with Elam missing two field goals, and tough red zone defense from the Bills. Or maybe it's because the Broncos are one of those teams that you feel, on a given night, could beat any team in the NFL. That given night just isn't Super Bowl Sunday. Broncos win, 23-16.
San Diego @ New England (-3)
Randy Moss exploded for 9 catches for 183 yards and a 51-yard touchdown in a 38-14 win over the Jets, serving notice that he's back in form. But for how long? ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd stipulated that a fast start by Moss will almost certainly result in a slow finish.
"Look, I've learned not to listen to anything people say about me," says Moss. "That includes coaches, particularly Raider coaches, advisors, parents, step parents, members of the clergy, and especially ESPN announcers that sound like Special Ed from Crank Yankers."
The Pats will host the Chargers, who beat the Bears 14-3 after trailing 3-0 at the half. Ask any player and they'll tell you they weren't worried at all about a half-time deficit. Ask Norv Turner and he'll tell you different.
"General manger A.J. Smith briefly considered firing me at the half," says Turner.
It's nothing for Tom Brady to hop on a plane to Paris with his supermodel girlfriend and dine in the finest restaurants and maybe jet over to the French Riviera for a little nude sunbathing. It's nothing for Phillip Rivers to take a cab with his high school sweetheart for a sundae at McDonalds, and then a little fun at the water park. Therein lies the difference in the two quarterbacks. Brady is used to the finer things, like a receiver named Moss. Moss makes a big catch on the Pats drive for the winning field goal. New England, 24-23.
Prior to the game, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sends Belichick a "Patriot Missive" — "two thumbs down." Unfazed, Belichick basks in the glory of a huge conference win seated in his director's chair on the sideline.
Washington @ Philadelphia (-7)
The Eagles basically tossed the game away in Green Bay, as two flubbed punts led to 10 Packer points, three of those from the winning kick in a 16-13 loss.
"Rookie mistakes are always damaging," says Andy Reid, "and that damage is compounded when they are made by veterans. That's why we've canned J.R. Reed, who blew that first punt, and replaced him with Reno Mahe. Yeah, that's right. The Reno Mahe."
"The Reno Mahe?" says Joe Gibbs. "Well, I guess our work is cut out for us."
With their game-planning geared towards stopping Mahe, the 'Skins can't forget about Donovan McNabb, who is still working his way into form. Expect the Redskins to bring a lot of pressure, forcing McNabb to vacate the pocket, and possibly the contents of his stomach. And if he blows his knee out, so be it. Philly wins, 20-17. McNabb celebrates with a Philly cheesesteak, fava beans, and a nice chianti.
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