A few lines I wish I would have written in the preseason, because that would have made me a genius:
"Kurt Warner will be the starting QB on the first-place Arizona Cardinals by Week 6."
"The Saints are due for a major implosion. I bet they don't even average 15 points per game."
"1,600 yards for Travis Henry? Try six games and a one-year suspension. Dude's got more baby's mamas than brain cells."
"The Colts don't need Bob Sanders, Marvin Harrison, or Joseph Addai. Matt Giordano, Anthony Gonzalez, and Kenton Keith will be just fine."
"I know USC is good and all, but I just have a feeling about Stanford this year."
"Don't be surprised to see Colorado make at least the NLCS in the next three years."
(Actually, I did write that last one. Haha. Aren't I great?)
(Whore!)
Anyway...
Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 0: Welcome to this week's episode of "How to Lose an NFL Road Game," starring Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck.
After getting the ball on the Steelers' 46 in a scoreless game, Seattle picked up gains of 7, 2, and 2 for a first down at the Pittsburgh 35. The Seattle defense had forced three three-and-outs to open the game and special teams had set up the field position. On the road against a defense like Pittsburgh, the Seattle offense had to come up with points. From the 35, they were in field goal range. The only thing they couldn't do was lose yards.
False start on Deion Branch. Damn it!
Incomplete.
Shaun Alexander for 2.
Third-and-13 from the 38. Hasselbeck sacked for –7. Fourth-and-20. Punt.
Aaaaaaa...
Fantasy Impact: It's come down to this for the Seahawks: if they're at home against a weak opponent, they're great. If it's a tough game on the road, forget about it.
San Diego 41, Denver 3: Wow. Never in a million years did I think the Broncos would go down like that at home. I don't even know how to process this. Are the Broncos really that bad? Are the Chargers really that good? This is nothing like we've seen from either team so far. Denver's next game after the bye is a Sunday night home game against Pittsburgh. What are we supposed to think about that matchup? I'm highly confused.
Fantasy Impact: Lost in the final score and highlights is the fact LaDainian Tomlinson had another sub-par game with only 67 yards on 21 carries. He did have some big catches (3 for 73), but this offense isn't going to be consistently good until they can lineup Tomlinson and put on a smash-mouth drive.
New England 34, Cleveland 17: These Browns are fighters. They were over-matched fighters in this game, but they showed a lot of heart. They're going to beat Miami next week. And if Brady Quinn turns out to be as good as he looked this preseason, and Derek Anderson takes the eventual demotion to No. 2 with class, this team could contend in the AFC North as soon as next year.
Fantasy Impact: Jason Wright's the man for the Browns if Jamal Lewis doesn't play next week with an injured foot. With a good (and getting better) offensive line in Cleveland, Wright could put up solid numbers against the 'Fins.
Carolina 16, New Orleans 13: You know when you think you've made a wrong turn, but you're not sure, so you keep going, hoping you recognize something, then you realize you've definitely gone the wrong way, then instead of turning around you try to cut through an area you don't know, then you get completely lost, then you get carjacked and left in a dangerous neighborhood with no way of getting out?
That's the Saints.
Fantasy Impact: The top three biggest busts in fantasy this season: Drew Brees.
(It's not all his fault. I've personally seen him robbed of 3 TDs, two drops by Reggie Bush, who's been playing stupid since the preseason, and the illegal formation call that took one off the board against the Panthers.)
(Oh, and Matt Moore is a rookie from Oregon State, just in case you were wondering. He was undrafted.)
Arizona 34, St. Louis 31: Somebody tie a black ribbon around the Arch. The Rams are dead.
Fantasy Impact: It was Kurt Warner who finally killed them.
Washington 34, Detroit 3: The Week 6 bye couldn't come at a better time for the Lions. They got worked every which from Sunday on Sunday, which makes no sense, but makes the point: They got their asses handed to them. And if they had to go into the meat of their schedule now, 3-2 might turn to 3-11 before you know it. As it is, maybe they have a shot to regroup before Tampa in Week 7, followed by the Bears (road), Broncos, Cardinals (road), Giants, Packers, Vikings (road), Cowboys, and Chargers (road).
(Yeesh.)
Fantasy Impact: You know your defense is dominating when Sean Taylor and LaRon Landy only have to make 4 tackles combined. This defense is playing extremely well on all three levels, and that means Green Bay isn't going to be able to run the ball worth a damn next week.
Jacksonville 17, Kansas City 7: There aren't a whole lot of absolutes in this game, but one of them is this: you do not win games rushing a total of 10 times for ten yards. It just can't be done.
Fantasy Impact: Whether it's Damon Huard or Brodie Croyle at QB next week against the Bengals, Tony Gonzalez, Dwayne Bowe, and Larry Johnson are all good starts.
And now a tribute to legendary (and now dead) mime Marcel Marceau:
Baltimore 9, San Francisco 7:
Fantasy Impact:
Tennessee 20, Atlanta 13: I know a lot of the fans have a problem with the way things are going in Atlanta, but I actually think new head coach Bobby Petrino is doing a good job. He's made Joey Harrington respectable in a new offense (15th in QB rating despite the stink bomb on Sunday, with perhaps a pre-mature call to the bullpen). His defense forced 5 turnovers from a Titans offense that wrecked New Orleans just two weeks prior. And if it wasn't for Wayne Gandy's disastrous injury toward the end, they might have pulled this game out.
That said, the Falcons' run/pass ratio is all out of whack (164 pass to 124 run). And the most explosive guy on the offense, Jerious Norwood, is averaging fewer than 10 touches on offense per game. That's not nearly enough. And now with Gandy out for the year, they need the run game even more than ever.
The bottom line for the Falcons is this is still a team poisoned by Michael Vick. The entire organization was built around one guy, and that guy is gone. Nobody should have expected things to go smoothly in the first post-Vick year. But I see hope in the darkness. And Petrino's the one holding the flashlight. (TE Alge Crumpler might do well to remember that fact.)
Fantasy Impact: Other than the Tennessee defense, which is just nasty, there's not a single reliable fantasy starter on either roster. Vince Young will have some great games. And he'll put together some real bad ones like yesterday's no-TD, 3-INT mess. If you can't trust him at home against the Falcons, how can you trust him at Tampa or Houston, their next two games?
New Your Giants 34, New York Jets 25: As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, let me make this proposal to Yankees fans:
Tony LaRussa for Joe Torre.
Think about it. It'd be perfect. Tony LaRussa's the third-time winningest manager in MLB history. The Yanks aren't getting anybody with even close to that pedigree if Torre walks/gets pushed out the door. LaRussa goes to the biggest stage with the highest payroll, from managing Albert Pujols to managing Derek Jeter, and will be the perfect anti-hero for the NY media. Plus, LaRussa's ever-loyal pitching coach, Dave Duncan, gets to go from managing his son Chris to managing his other son, Shelley.
Meanwhile, Joe Torre gets to retire in the city where he had the best years of his playing career and some of his worst as a manager, from Jeter to Pujols, and the St. Louis media will seem like a Booster's Club compared to the vitriol of New York. Cards fans are nervous right now. We've gotten used to a certain standard of excellence. Announcement of Torre as the new manager would be greeted with open arms and exultation.
One other benefit: Torre vs. Lou Pinella in the Cards/Cubs rivalry.
It works for both teams. It works for both managers. It works for local and national media. There's nothing not to love.
Fantasy Impact: Opening Day with Joe Torre back in Cardinals' red ... I'd pay big money to see that.
Chicago 27, Green Bay 20: Peter King wasted his "Goat of the Week" award by moralizing against Texans DT Travis Johnson, so I'll award the real "Goat of the Week": Green Bay rookie WR James Jones. His two fumbles lost the game.
Sorry, kid. You can't go losing games for Brett Favre. It's against the rules.
Fantasy Impact: Don't let the win fool you. To paraphrase Jules Winnfield, this Bears team is still pretty far from freaking okay. Green Bay finished with 439 yards on offense. They averaged 5.5 per carry on the ground. Cedric Benson is still a bust and no Bears WR had more than one catch. This Packers defense is good, but it's not the Steel Curtain. The Bears are still very much in trouble.
Houston 22, Miami 19: I thought new Dolphins coach Cam Cameron was looney for running Ronnie Brown so hard in the preseason, but it is paying dividends. Brown hasn't been this good since Auburn. Just think about how good he'd be with a good offensive line and steady quarterback play.
Speaking of the Dolphins offensive line, rookie center Samson Setele is a good one. If you watch a lot of Brown's runs, you'll see Big Sampson somewhere in the picture.
Fantasy Impact: Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick.
1. Matt Schaub needs Andre Johnson back.
2. John Beck will end up with the most wins of any starting Miami QB in 2007. And it won't be more than three.
Indianapolis 33, Tampa Bay 14: This might be the best Colts team yet. I really thought the Bucs would give them more of a game, especially considering the absence of Sanders, Harrison, and Addai (not to mention Freddie Keiaho). I can't wait for their next four after their bye: @ Jacksonville, @ Carolina. New England, @ San Diego.
Fantasy Impact: I hope you enjoyed the Kenton Keith Era as much as I did. 28 carries for 121 yards and 2 TDs, plus 5 catches for 37 yards. And he saved my fantasy season...
Dallas 25, Buffalo 24: ...along with Nick Folk, the rookie from the University of Arizona (Go Cats!) who kicked four field goals, including his career long from 53 with zeroes on the clock — twice!
You've got to feel for the Bills and their fans. That was as brutal a loss as you're going to see. I'm sure Bill Simmons will give us a categorization.
Fantasy Impact:
WARNING: Personal fantasy football story ahead. If these things bother you, please skip ahead to the tag line.
So I start the game last night down 18 to my buddy Todd. He's got Tony Romo. I've got Patrick Crayton and Folk. I'm not even following the score. I'm toast, 1-4 and buried.
Then Romo throws a pick. And another. And another. And another. It's incredible. I'm trying not to get excited. The Cowboys are a second-half team. Folk and Crayton aren't doing anything to close the gap.
Third quarter. Field goal Folk. +3.
Fourth quarter. Field goal Folk. +3.
Romo fumbles. –2. I've got to be getting close.
Dallas interception goes back into the Bills' red zone. No touchdown no touchdown no touchdown. PICK! Holy cow! Is this really happening?
Down 8, Romo driving for the tie. A touchdown to anybody but Crayton and I'm done. It's got to go to Crayton. Please throw it to Crayton.
Touchdown, Crayton!
Down 2. Two-point attempt. A completion to anybody but Crayton and I'm done. I pray the attempt fails so they can recover the onside kick and kick the field goal.
Attempt fails! They recover the onside! During the review of T.O.'s 18th drop, I finally check the score (I was avoiding it because I didn't want the jinx, but I had to know the stakes). I'm down 1. Folk makes it, I win. He misses it, I lose. The perfect fantasy football moment.
It's up and good!
I freaking hate that timeout rule! They've got to do something about that.
It's up again...
GOOD!
A hero is born. A season is saved. A city's heart collectively crushed.
Life in the NFL.
Seth Doria is a freelance writer based out of St. Louis. For the only daily column that mixes sports, politics, and entertainment news in one, visit The Left Calf.
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