Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Green Bay @ Detroit (+3)
Brett Favre proved that youth will be served in his Senior Bowl battle with Vinny Testaverde, as the Packers took down the Panthers, 31-17. Favre threw three touchdown passes and probably set some record that has to do with age, incompletions, or the kind of longevity that would make a giant tortoise envious. As the victor in the contest between the oldest starting quarterback duo in NFL history, Favre won the "Golden Stool Award," made from the hardest and most consistent mahogany from the finest forests this country has to offer. This week, Green Bay heads to Detroit, where they will face a Lions team stinging from a loss to an inferior team (Jon Kitna's words, not mine, Mr. Strahan) and in the slow process of fading from the playoff picture.
"A lot of people are expecting a letdown from us," says Favre. "We've practically clinched the division, and a loss would mean little to our hopes of clinching the No. 1 seed in the NFC, since we play Dallas next week. But we don't want to break tradition. Just like turkey and stuffing, a Lions loss is a Thanksgiving Day tradition. So all that remains for us is to decide is how large a container of whoop-ass do we want to open. Do we want the smokeless tobacco-sized can, the snuff-sized can, or the Red Man-sized pouch? Either way, it will be messy for the Lions.
"The Lions can run, but they can't hide. Wait. They can't run. Wait, again. They can run, only backwards. And they can't hide. Even behind Matt Millen's ample behind and seemingly untouchable job security. I guarantee the Lions won't get victory No. 7 on my watch. Heck, they might not get it at all this year. We want the Lions' head on a platter. However, we don't condone bounties in our locker roon, nor do we condone the actions of Dog the Bounty Hunter. And we definitely don't condone dressing like Dog the Bounty Hunter. The dude looks like the offspring of the Ultimate Warrior and Jackie Stallone."
Favre underestimates the Lions, and the power of revised guarantees. The Lions race to an early 10-0 lead, and hold on for a 27-24 win.
NY Jets @ Dallas (-13½)
Despite the Jets' 2-8 record, don't expect the Cowboys to take them lightly, despite Dallas' 9-1 record and a clear talent advantage on paper. But paper doesn't win football games, unless you're in the seventh grade and just won your paper football league title game 140-126, and have an uncanny ability to slide a triangular piece of notebook paper across a desk and have it stop, with just a part of the paper over the edge. Touchdown!
"Don't be surprised if paper football is on ESPN soon," says Dallas safety Roy Williams, who leads the league in the obscure category of 'tackles made on receivers who just made a catch in front of you.' "It would fit nicely between a competitive eating event and a paper, rock, scissors tournament. Anyway, the Jets just beat the Steelers, so we won't underestimate them. It's never wise to underestimate anything from New York. Have you ever heard of 'Travis Bickle?' He didn't scare anyone until he became a workout warrior, got a mohawk, and went gun-crazy. Huh? Yeah, I am talkin' to you. Anyway, the Jets will have to deal with Tony Romo and Terrell Owens, as well as our secret weapon, owner Jerry Jones, who's derailed many an opponent with his creepy habit of patrolling our sideline while feverishly biting his nails. In a long line of disgusting habits of Cowboys, that's easily the most disgusting, but also the only one not punishable by law. So carry on, you wayward nail-biter."
Romo and company will have to overcome a New York squad that sacked Ben Roethlisberger seven times. Unlike the lumbering Roethlisberger, Romo's not one to sit and let a collapsing pocket engulf him, unless it's a collapsing pocket of B minus-list females swarming his table at The Chamber, Tank Johnson's favorite club to shoot pool and get loaded. Romo's a master of throwing on the run with some unorthodox delivery that would make former baseball relievers Dan Quisenberry or Kent Tekulve grimace in pain. In other words, he's a "Rhinestone Cowboy," riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo.
"He even gets cards and letters from people he don't even know," says Owens. "Which, I must say, is better than getting death threats from people I don't even know, which, in turn, is better than getting death threats from people I do know."
Romo throws two touchdown passes, two to Owens, and Leon Lett is nowhere to be found on the Cowboys field goal defense team. Dallas wins, 31-20. After the game, Romo hits the town with Jets backup quarterback Chad Pennington, who, despite a new haircut and two canisters of AXE body spray, is a bust with the women, most of whom find it unappealing that Pennington can't even lift his drink. Romo throws a yellow flag, and Pennington is issued a "delay of game" penalty, resulting in his ejection from the club.
Indianapolis @ Atlanta (+11½)
When the Colts and Falcons last met, it was a preseason game in Japan in 2005, and a Tokyo Dome crowd of over 42,000 briefly put aside their obsession with Godzilla to watch Atlanta beat the Colts, 27-21. Despite the absence of barbed wire, broken fluorescent light bulbs, a flaming wrestling ring, or a K-1 Grand Prix final, the Japanese fans roared their approval at the spectacle. And a photo from the Japan Times of Reggie Wayne grabbing a reception, captioned "Asian Snatch," received 200,000,000 hits from interested viewers around the globe, who, sadly, were disappointed.
"Consider me disappointed," says Peyton Manning. "When surfing the Internet, never expect to get what you pay for, especially when you don't pay for it. This has been another 'Priceless Pep Talk' from Peyton Manning. Here's another one: don't bench Joey Harrington for a mildly retarded-looking backup who looks a lot like Bubba Gump, especially when Harrington has led you to two-consecutive wins."
That must be directed at Bobby Petrino, who seems bound and determined to turn his entire team against him. Petrino gave Byron Leftwich the start over Harrington, who threw the game-winning touchdown pass two weeks ago to beat Carolina. Leftwich responded with two interceptions and two fumbles, and, in a move reminiscent of his heroic performance in a 2002 game against Akron while at Marshall, was carried by two of his Atlanta offensive lineman and tossed off the field.
"I can totally understand if Petrino wanted to give Gump the start if we were in New Orleans," says Harrington. "But why would he give him the start when I've clearly mastered the offense as well as Bach's seventh symphony on the piano. Leftwich's the kid who never could quite get the hang of playing the triangle."
A mere three weeks ago, the Colts were in the conversation as possibly the league's best team, and Atlanta was in the conversation as possibly the league's worst. While the Colts have certainly dropped a few degrees, they are still many degrees better than the Falcons. But just for fun, wouldn't it be great if Tony Dungy started Jim Sorgi over Manning? Dungy's not stupid, and he also has no sense of humor whatsoever. But elementary teachers in the Atlanta Public School system do. Two game tickets are awarded to the student with the best entry in the "Start a Sentence With 'Michael Vick' writing contest. Vick watches from the slammer, and Indianapolis makes a statement to the Falcons, and that statement is this: our injury list looks like a Pro Bowl roster compared to your starting lineup. Colts win, 27-13.
Buffalo @ Jacksonville (-7½)
The Jaguars out-muscled the Chargers 24-17 last week, and no single play was more indicative of Jacksonville's physical play than Maurice Jones-Drew's block of a blitzing Shawne Merriman. Jones-Drew flattened the stunned Merriman, who ended up on his back as the Jags scored the decisive touchdown.
"Blow, blow, blow him up, Merriman I did cream. Merriman, Merriman, Merriman, life is but a dream," says Jones-Drew. "This one goes out to Priest Holmes, and Jason Taylor, and to the one I love, me, the 'Human Bowling Ball.' Some call me Maurice. Some call me 'space cowboy.' Some even call me the 'gangster of love.' Merriman doesn't seem to be the same player he was last year. I guess a four-game suspension and the threat of a drug test will do that to you."
The Jaguars are certainly playing like a team that could make some noise in the playoffs. That is, until they meet the team known as "The Muffler," the Patriots. Jacksonville will measure themselves against the Bills, who lost 56-10 to New England last Sunday night. Buffalo briefly made a game of it when J.P. Losman hit Roscoe Parrish for a first quarter touchdown pass to cut New England's lead to 14-7. Then, trailing 42-7 in the third quarter, Dick Jauron made a gutsy decision to kick a field goal instead of going for the first down.
"Hey, with the field goal," says Jauron, "we made it a four possession game. We trailed by 32. Four touchdowns and four two-point conversions and we're right back in it. And, if the Pats can score on their first seven possessions, why can't we score on four of our own? Don't answer that."
With David Garrard at quarterback, the Jaguars don't turn the ball over. With a win over the Bills, Jacksonville will head to Indianapolis the following week with another shot at the Colts, who will likely still be more dinged up than Lindsey Lohan's Mercedes. This is exactly the type of game the Jags could look past with their eyes on Indy. And the Bills play everybody tough, except the Patriots. But the Jags are pumped. Prior to the game, the Jags introduces a companion mascot to Jackson DeVille, Mick Jaguar, who leads the crowd in a rendition of the Rolling Stones "Start Me Up" before being thankfully leveled by Jones-Drew. Jacksonville wins, 26-19.
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