Friday, April 11, 2008
Sports Q&A: Canseco's Classic Literature
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Paige from Reading, PA writes, "Jose Canseco just released "Vindicated," his follow-up book to his 2005 masterpiece, "Juiced." Is the former major league slugger becoming more famous for his tell-all books than for his baseball exploits?"
Canseco will never be confused with William Shakespeare or Leo Tolstoy, unless they end up in a police lineup with Jose. But that couldn't happen, nor would you ever find the works of Canseco anywhere near those of literary giants such as William Shakespeare, Leo Tolstoy, John Steinbeck, Fyodor Dostoevsky, or Mick Foley, for that matter. But it's not inconceivable that Canseco could have his own section in the library — the "non-fiction-less" section. In baseball, Canseco was a member of the "40-40" club. As a writer, he's in the same club, because his books are 40% fact, 40% fiction, with the remaining 20% ghost written by "bull."
But, just for fun, let's say Canseco appeared in some of literature's classic works. Such as:
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Canseco threatens to implicate major leaguer Danny Heep as a steroid abuser, but through negotiations with Heep's agent and bother, the devious Uriah Heep, Canseco agrees to remain silent as long as Danny Heep helps finance a Canseco film project.
The Bible: Canseco questions the possibility of Jesus Christ's resurrection without the aid of performance-enhancing drugs, and purports that a hair sample taken from Samson will reveal that Samson is "on something." Canseco accuses Alex Rodriguez of hitting on Samson's girlfriend, Delilah. Canseco then vows to shave his head and tag team with Tammy Faye Bakker and wrestle a lion on "The Surreal Life 3:16."
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne: Canseco, a passenger aboard the Nautilus, doubts the feasibility of one underwater baseball league, much less 20,000 of them. When the Nautilus is attacked by a giant squid, Canseco, never once mistaken for a Mariner, comments that "an octopus should only have eight legs. That one has ten, so it must be 'on the juice.'"
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare: In a pharmaceutical mix-up gone terribly wrong, Canseco accidentally gives Juliet a coma-inducing drug and Romeo a lethal poison instead of the butt injections of HGH they had requested. Canseco denies any complicity in the eventual deaths of the two lovers, but does promise to tell the whole story when he releases his next book.
The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx: On that fateful night back in December of 1987, Canseco was there, first to deliver the injection of heroin that led to Sixx's first "death," then to administer the shot of adrenaline to the heart that revived the Motley Crue bassist. Later that night, Sixx claims to have partied with Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Roger Clemens, but Canseco attests to seeing only Joplin and Hendrix with Sixx.
Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad: Canseco leads an expedition down the Congo River with the purpose of implicating the egotistical Barry Bonds, who has amassed massive quantities of ivory and home runs. Bonds demands to be worshipped like a god, and when Canseco finds him, Bonds is ill with jungle fever, symptoms of which include enlarged feet and head.
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving: A pumpkin tossed by the Headless Horseman, in pursuit of Canseco, bounces harmlessly right off Canseco's head.
Hey Diddle Diddle by Mother Goose: Canseco says that just weeks before the cow jumped over the moon, he introduced the cow to a fiddling cat, a known supplier of steroids. Canseco also accuses the spoon of running away with his ex-wife.
For Whom the Bell Tolls: by Ernest Hemingway: Canseco is an explosives expert under orders to blow up a bridge during the Spanich Civil War. While devoting more attention to his writing career than the task at hand, Canseco botches the operation. Oblivious to the problems he's caused, Canseco reveals that he wasn't to fond of Hemingway's book anyway, and much prefers the Metallica version.
Animal Farm by George Orwell: Canseco plays "Rat Fink," a rodent who claims to have "dirt" on all the animals. Rat Fink has an appreciation for, but can't hit, "good cheese."
Misery by Stephen King: Cansceco suffers a gruesome ankle injury sliding into Madonna, but is nursed back to health by an insane former nurse who considers herself Canseco's "number one fan." She coerces him into writing a new book, one in which Canseco accuses several players of consuming steroid-laced sunflower seeds and chewing tobacco.
Get Your Questions Answered!
Do you have a question or comment? Then send your question or comment along with your name and hometown to [email protected].You may get the answer you're looking for in the next column on Friday, April 25th.