Bob from Portland, OR writes, "Isiah Thomas was fired last Friday as coach of the New York Knicks to the objection of no one. Team president Donnie Walsh says Thomas will remain with the organization in an unnamed role. What type of job could Thomas do that wouldn't be detrimental to the Knicks organization?"
Thomas buried this franchise as a president and a coach, so it's no surprise that he'll receive the same opportunity is a less prominent role, possibly as the director of scouting for the continent of Antarctica, or in some other capacity, such as "professional douchebag," or "grope dealer." It's possible that Thomas will finally realize his dream job, that of "undersecretary," a "position" he's longed for at various stops, as long as he found the respective secretary sexually appealing.
Thomas' firing was a long time coming, and well overdue. He had made various ill-advised personnel moves, as president and coach, none more egregious than offering $30 million to a one-armed, blind shooting guard, who was very receptive to Thomas' advances, and actually agreed to a deal-sealing hug. Things didn't go so swimmingly in Thomas' dealings with Knicks executive Anucha Browne Sanders, who repeatedly spurned Thomas' requests for hugs, kisses, and verbal confirmation that "Knickerbockers" is also another name for a "womens' bloomer-like undergarment." Sanders' refusal to acquiesce to Thomas' boorish harassment got her fired, but she was later awarded $11.6 million in a sexual harassment suit against Thomas and Madison Square Garden. Apparently, Thomas misunderstood Sanders' loud chants of "USA! USA! USA!" as a patriotic expression, and not as her intended meaning of "Unwanted Sexual Advances!"
So, where does this leave us. Well, it seems that losing a sexual harassment lawsuit alone is not reason enough alone to fire Thomas. That single loss apparently doesn't compare to the 59 the Knicks endured this year under Thomas' leadership. That was enough to fire Thomas, but, incredibly, not enough to exile him for good from the Knicks organization. Walsh has stated that in his new job, Thomas will have no contact with players, which is basically how it was when Thomas was head coach. There isn't a job for the Knicks that won't be detrimental to the organization. The fact that the Knicks are even offering Thomas employment is an affront to decency.
As employment goes, Thomas should be nowhere near New York, but a man's got to work, and there are several options for a person with Thomas' qualifications. Word is, he's currently sending out "feelers" for job openings, or openings in general.
The Price is Right host: Former host Bob Barker, in between his pleas to have pets spade or neutered, was busy placing his abnormally long, thin microphone is places where he shouldn't. Just ask some of Barker's hostesses. They'll tell you that "Squeeze Play" wasn't just a game, it was a humiliating job prerequisite, as was "Hole-in-One." They'll also tell you that the working atmosphere became simply unbearable when Barker insisted the hostesses play his naughty version of the pricing game "Swap Meet," a game he fondly called "Swap Meat." As host, Thomas wouldn't even have to ask for hugs from contestants, and if he's desperate for kisses, he can head over to the studio of Family Feud, where they hand out kisses like the Knicks hand out settlement dollars. And Thomas would feel right at home with contestants making outrageous bids on worthless items.
Headmaster at the Bobby Knight School of Inappropriate Touching: If anyone knows inappropriate touching, it's Knight. Whether it's assaulting a Puerto Rican policeman or head-butting one of his players, Knight's harassment skills are legendary. Whether or not Knight obtains some type of twisted sexual gratification from this is anyone's guess, but they don't call him "The General" for nothing, now do they? Obviously, Thomas has much more charm than Knight. At least Isiah asks permission before he inappropriately touches.
Supermarket melon tester: If you like your melons like Thomas does, firm with just the right amount of "give," then you'll surely trust Thomas' skills as a melon tester. This job is perfect for Thomas. Melons don't object to any amount of fondling. In fact, they like it, and actually make competent New York Knicks' decision-making executives.
Supreme Court judge: If a man with tastes ranging from movies starring "Long Dong Silver" to the law can serve as one of the nine judges charged with interpreting and amending the United States Constitution, then Isiah Thomas is certainly capable of the same. Or at least the sexual harassment part. He's even already got the last name down. Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas' verbal harassment skills are well known, and his oral arguments have brought some to their knees. Throw a fancy robe on Isiah and give him a vague interpretation of the Constitution, and, pretty soon, his Constitutional rights will include hugging and kissing whomever he pleases.
Arch-nemesis of Mr. Whipple, the Charmin toilet paper guy: Mr. Whipple says, "Don't squeeze the Charmin." Since when has Isiah listened when someone told him not to do something? Isiah failed to listen to the protests of Sanders, and, remarkably, it took the Knicks two years to can Thomas after complaints and a lawsuit. Mr. Whipple doesn't play. Failure to heed his warnings about Charmin-squeezing, and he "Whipps" out the sandpaper, and it won't take him two years to do so.
Locker room liaison between media and players, New England Patriots: If you're a female reporter and want a scoop, then Thomas, in this new job, can get it for you, provided you walk the walk and graciously accept forced viewings of "Patriot missiles." There's a connection: Thomas' nickname is "Zeke"; the Patriots' Zeke Mowatt was the first to arm his "missile."
Pairs figure skater: What other occupation allows you to place your hand up a lady's skirt and score points for it, as effeminate male announcers giddily compliment your "elegance" and "beautiful lines?"
Private investigator: Isiah's already a public "dick." From there, it's an easy transition to become a private "dick." Plus, he gets to chase "tails" all day.
Get Your Questions Answered!
Do you have a question or comment? Then send your question or comment along with your name and hometown to [email protected]. You may get the answer you're looking for in the next column on Friday, May 9th.
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