Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch — Busch finished seventh at California, right behind Carl Edwards, as the Busch/Edwards feud quieted in deference to the dominating performance of Jimmie Johnson. Busch and Edwards even had adjacent pit stalls, but unfortunately for race fans desperate for a reason to keep watching the race, nothing improper happened.
"Well, being that close to the No. 99 team," says Busch, "you could cut the tension with a knife, a knife that could be characterized just like this race — dull. But don't think for a second that Carl and I aren't out to get each other. This feud is for real. We seriously hate each other, so much so that I see this feud spilling over throughout the Chase, and culminating on the dais at the awards banquet in New York, when we'll both make light of this situation with jokes written for us by pros. Then we'll both applaud politely as Jimmie Johnson is presented the Sprint Cup trophy."
2. Carl Edwards — For the third consecutive week, Edwards finished one spot ahead of Kyle Busch. Only this time, in California, Edwards finished sixth to Busch's seventh, no bonus points were awarded, and no shenanigans on the cool down lap took place.
"There's not a better feeling than creeping up on the No. 18's bumper," says Edwards, "and uttering those same words first made famous in the 1984 movie Revenge of the Nerds — 'We've got Busch.'"
3. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson led 228 of 250 laps in the Pepsi 500, completely dominating in California, site of his first Sprint Cup win, in 2002. Johnson foiled Carl Edwards attempt to win his third-straight race, and Johnson again reasserted himself as a Chase factor.
"So Carl thought he was going back-to-back-to-back in Cali?" says Johnson. "Man, I don't think so. Just call me LL Cool 'JJ.' And, to commemorate my huge margin of victory, we're bringing back our version of the 'Big Johnson' line of t-shirts. This one says 'Big Johnson Leads: It's Gettin' Bigger, You're Gettin' Smaller."
4. Kevin Harvick — Harvick earned his fifth straight top-10 finish with a fourth in California, which improved his position in the point standings one spot to seventh.
"It's just business as usual here for the Shell/Pennzoil team," says Harvick. "I'm not in Rolling Stone, there are no magnets or loose oil lids in my car, and Randy Moss is not my car owner. But it would be nice to take that Moss truck for a spin. I've got a feeling the drug testing procedures over at Moss Motorsports aren't quite as stringent as those at Kevin Harvick, Inc. I heard Moss employs five of his friends to generate the smoke used in their wind tunnel."
5. Greg Biffle — Biffle clearly had the second-best car in the Pepsi 500, but it was a distant second to Jimmie Johnson's invincible No. 48, which easily won the race. Twice, Biffle emerged from pit stops with the lead, only to see the No. 48 immediately on his tail and soon past him for the lead. Biffle moved up one slot to sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings.
"I don't know what that No. 48 team did to that car," says Biffle, "but it was unbeatable. That was a real team effort. Johnson handled the passing on the track, and Chad Knaus handled the passing in the inspection line."
"Now, all I need to do to clinch my spot in the Chase is start the race. Sounds simple, huh? Michael Waltrip would beg to differ."
6. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth scored his sixth top-five of the year with a fifth in California, as three Roush cars occupied the top six. Kenseth is now ninth in the Sprint Cup point standings.
"Why did NASCAR have to place Carl Edwards on probation for his actions against Kyle Busch at Bristol," says Kenseth. "He was just defending himself. I don't think Carl has anger issues, at least when he's not threatening to hit me. It's unfortunate, not only for Carl, but for me, as well. If Carl can't direct his rage towards Busch, then that usually means I'm the one facing the brunt of his anger."
7. Tony Stewart — Stewart, in the Subway/Home Depot Chevrolet, finished 22nd in California, a performance that one could say Stewart "mailed in." Could that be Stewart's fiendish revenge against Subway for dropping him as a paid endorser, or has this just been an off-year for him?
"Look, a lot's been going on with me this season," says Stewart. "Racing is the least of my worries. And race reporters feel the same way, apparently. Nobody wants to ask me about my racing. It's been "Are you going to start you're own team?" or "Who's going to drive for you next year?" or "You seriously have women throwing themselves at your fat ass?" Questions like that. To be honest, media spotlight is not something I'd rather be under, unless 'Media Spotlight' is a buxom, 20-something stripper with high beams and low self-respect."
"But let's be serious for a moment. I want to state for the record that I have the utmost respect for women, especially young, attractive ones, and I would never do anything that could be deemed as the mistreatment of women. Unless, like in the case of Kurt Busch, they deserve it."
8. Jeff Gordon — After a promising qualifying run that placed him third on the grid, Gordon had high hopes for a strong finish, and possibly a win, in Fontana, a result that would provide a much-needed boost to a sagging season. Instead, handling issues again affected Gordon's progress, and he eventually finished 15th, which dropped him one place in the point standings to 10th. Gordon needs a result of 24th or better to clinch his spot in the Chase.
"24th? No problem," says Gordon. "All I have to do is ask Steve Letarte to give me the best possible car, and I can bring home a 16th, maybe a 17th, and we'll be in the Chase and one of nine cars interfering with the real battle for the Cup between Kyle Busch, Carl Edwards, and Jimmie Johnson."
9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt finished 11th in the Pepsi 500, his 12th top-10 result of the year, as teammate Jimmie Johnson won in California and overtook Earnhardt for the third spot in the point standings.
"So I dropped a place in the standings," says Earnhardt. "So what? I'm not the only thing dropping. Prices are falling at Wal-Mart, and lights are falling at Auto Club Speedway. Somewhere, Chicken Little is feeling vindicated."
10 (tie): Denny Hamlin/Clint Bowyer — With his second consecutive third-place finish, Hamlin has all but removed himself from the Chase bubble. With Richmond next up, a race Hamlin dominated in May before a flat tire derailed him, Hamlin's chances of securing a Chase ticket are very likely.
"You know, they don't write stories about me in Rolling Stone," says Hamlin. "Nor am I one to mix it up on the track with Carl Edwards. And I don't like anything, least not magnets, between my gas pedal and the floor. One would think otherwise, but I'm the maverick here at Joe Gibbs Racing. I'm the unique one. Heck, I'm the only person in this company not on probation."
Bowyer, after a 10th in Fontana, currently holds the 12th spot in the Sprint Cup point standings, with a tenuous 17-point lead over David Ragan in the 13th spot, and a 48-point cushion over Kasey Kahne in 14th. So, it looks like a three-man race for the final transfer spot.
"We definitely want to see the No. 07 Jack Daniels Chevy in the Chase," says Bowyer. "And so do lots of liquor drinkers. But simply having 'Jack Daniels' on our car does not alone guarantee a spot in the Chase. Heck, you would think playing a 'Jack Daniels' bass guitar would have been enough to keep Michael Anthony in Van Halen, but Eddie Van Halen and the voices in his head thought otherwise. We just hope we don't get 'Eddie Van Halen-ed' in Richmond."
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