Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Baltimore @ Miami (-3)
After a 2-0 start to the season, the Ravens have lost three in a row, the latest a 31-3 shellacking by the Colts in Indianapolis. A fourth consecutive loss could put the Ravens in a hole from which they may never recover. It's a drastic situation in Baltimore, and when drastic situations strike in Baltimore, the only way to combat them is a Ray Lewis-led team meeting.
"I hear the last time Ray Lewis held a team meeting," says Joe Flacco, "there was so much barking and woofing that the Dog Whisperer was called in. Sounds like fun. I hope I'm invited."
Well, good news, Joe. You are invited to the meeting. And, you're the subject of the meeting. In fact, it's a roast.
"Cool. Will Don Rickles be there? I love Don Rickles," adds Flacco.
No, Joe. You don't need to be a comedian to make fun of you. Just the ability to interpret subpar passing statistics and a quick wit. And a foul mouth doesn't hurt. Anyway, when I say "roast," I'm talking about one with fire.
"That's great! I heard Ray and his cronies just love white meat. Hey, why are the guys calling me the 'Wicker Man?'"
The Dolphins were just seconds away from a 3-2 record, but Matt Schaub's 3-yard touchdown run with three seconds to go left Miami with a 29-28 loss and a 2-3 record.
"That was a heartbreaking scene," says Tony Sparano. "We've had a run of bad luck lately. The loss, of course. Before that, the NFL's decision to fine Ronnie Brown and his backup dancers for doing some dance called the 'Cupid Shuffle' after a score. I've got no problem with the NFL's stance on celebrations in the end zone. In my playing days, if a player celebrated a touchdown and you didn't like it, you took care of him later with a crowbar. But I do feel bad for Ricky Williams. He never got a chance to debut his touchdown dance, the 'Addiction Kicker,' also known as the 'Miami 12-Step.'"
The Baltimore defense is usually ready for anything, but will they be ready for the single-wing, known to many as the 'Wildcat' formation, a craze that's sweeping the nation? I doubt it. The Ravens are adept at capturing "cougars," but 40- to 50-year-old skeezers trolling local Baltimore hot spots are much easier to "pickup" than Sparano's wildcats.
The game ends in a tie. Correction. The World Trash Talk Championship between Lewis and Joey Porter ends in a tie. Miami wins the game 16-10.
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati (+9½)
The Steelers return to action from a bye week, having enjoyed a restful break while two of their three competitors in the AFC North lost. Standing in front of the Steelers are the winless Bengals, who will be without quarterback Carson Palmer due to a lingering elbow injury that may require surgery.
"My advice to Carson would be to have surgery and hang up the cleats for the year," says Ben Roethlisberger. "He's got to ask himself if it's worth the risk to play and possibly suffer a career-ending injury. Heck, I ask myself that every time I stand behind my offensive line. Thank God I wear a helmet."
"Anyway, some situations are best avoided. Like eating at a restaurant staffed by Troy Polamalu and T.J. Housmandzedah that doesn't require them to wear hair nets. You just don't do it. Should Mike Tomlin operate a two-point conversion chart without adult supervision? Absolutely not. Should Chad Johnson ever be allowed to name one of his offspring, much less a pet? No way."
Spreaking of Johnson, Ocho Cinco's been very quiet on the field and off, with only one touchdown catch so far this year. Johnson's statement that he would kiss the Dallas star if he scored against Dallas didn't pan out, but he still ended up kissing another inanimate object — head coach Marvin Lewis.
"Marvin, he was a friend of mine," says Johnson. "But nothing more. Jeepers! Did I just quote a song about Marvin Gaye? Don't read anything into that. Anyway, Coach Lewis was just telling me to keep my head up, despite the fact that I'm having a horrible year statistically. So, I guess you could say he was whispering sweet 'nothings' into my ear. I thought it was quite 'bro'-mantic."
With Palmer out, Ryan Fitzpatrick gets his second start, and will face the Pittsburgh defense on two week's rest. Uh oh! I hope Ryan "fits on a stretcher."
Roethlisberger throws for two scores and isn't sacked once. Pittsburgh wins, 26-14.
Dallas @ St. Louis (+12)
Sound the panic alarms in Dallas. No, not because the Cowboys have to keep Terrell Owens and Roy Williams happy. No, not because Adam Jones is wrestling with a four-game suspension, which inevitably means more free time to discover fresh new ways to violate the NFL conduct policy in the glory of his Grand Theft Auto-like lifestyle. And definitely not because a FedEx package from Bogota, Columbia just arrived at Cowboy headquarters addressed to Nate Newton. It's much worse. Tony Romo's got a broken pinkie, and may be out up to four weeks.
"It's not the end of the world," says Wade Phillips. "Do you even use your pinkie to throw? I know I don't use it to coach, nor do I use the right side of my brain, for that matter. Heck, if Tony were a real man, he just have half that thing amputated and be on his way. Anyway, we've got a capable backup in Danny White, who's also one heck of a punter, so he can fill in for Mat McBriar, as well. So we should be fine until Tony returns. What's that? Brad Johnson is our backup? Dad burnit! I'll have to consult with our head coach Jason Garrett on this one."
The Rams stunned the Redskins, 19-17, despite the lack of an offensive touchdown and only 8 first downs, for their first win of the year. St. Louis averages just over 12 points a game, which won't be enough to beat the Cowboys, and won't be enough to silence Rams fans yearning for the days of the explosive "Greatest Show On Turf" offense.
"St. Louis fans are very fickle," says Jim Haslett. "They want wins, those picky bastards. And they are very clever. Hence, the signs we are bound to see in the stands this Sunday, criticizing our stagnant offense: 'Ewe Suck,' 'Still Wool,' 'Sheep In Rams Uniforms.' Impressive stuff, to say the least. If we could incorporate that kind of imagination into our offense, we'd be averaging more points, probably something in the teens."
Could a quarterback fall into a better situation? Sure, Brad Johnson may be 40-years-old, but he's no virgin, and while he may not have the physical tools that the strapping young lad Romo possesses, he's got two things that will serve him well in keeping Owens and Williams happy — a pair of ears. One for each of them to bitch into.
Johnson (or Romo, if the Cowboys decide to go with the "one-finger discount" starter)throws for three scores, one each to Owens and Williams, and one to Marion Barber. Cowboys win, 31-17.
San Francisco @ NY Giants (-12)
What's all the talk been lately? That Eli Manning is the better quarterback than older brother Peyton? Well, isn't it funny that a day after Peyton masterfully carved up the Baltimore defense, Eli played by far his worst game of the season, throwing three interceptions as the previously undefeated Giants lost 35-14 to the Browns.
"Hey, just because Tony Kornheiser says something," says Manning, "doesn't mean it's true, or sensible, or coherent, or thoughtful, or the result of independent thought. Never have I publicly claimed to be better than Peyton. Privately, though, when I stand in my underwear before my full-length mirror, I tell myself that I'm Peyton's equal. In fact, I tell myself that I am Peyton Manning, or, on occasions when I'm feeling particularly frisky, I tell myself that I'm Al Pacino. Al Pacino! Then I put on my leisure suit and strut down the streets of New York while 'Stayin' Alive' by the Bee Gees plays in the background."
J.T. O'Sullivan has no football-playing brother with whom to be compared. He's only got 49er Hall Of Famers Joe Montana and Steve Young to compare himself to. And although doing so usually gets him down, he can always cheer up by measuring himself against the accomplishments of Alex Smith. But O'Sullivan does, in fact, have some relatives with athletic backgrounds with whom he can share his ups and downs.
"Top of the morning to ya,'" says O'Sullivan. "I have an uncle who never quite made it as a a golfer, T.J. O'Mulligan. And a cousin whose soccer career never panned out, R.J. O'Hooligan. Then there's my grandfather, whose quest to become a world record-holding beer drinker was derailed by a bladder control problem, C.J. O'Pistigan."
Prior to the Giants loss to Cleveland, this looked like a "David vs. Goliath" matchup, with the Giants obviously playing the role of the giant Goliath. The Giants are still heavy favorites, and while most of the G-Men don't mind getting stoned occasionally, they won't be caught napping by the 49ers. Not with Tom Coughlin gently berating them. Eli Manning has a bruised chest, which is a much better excuse to miss a practice than "having to take your son to school." But Manning will play. And Plaxico Burress, who earlier in the week misplaced his play book and claimed his dog ate it, hauls in 8 catches for 121 yards and a touchdown. New York wins, 32-17.
Tennessee @ Kansas City (+7½)
As the NFL's lone undefeated team, the Titans are sitting pretty, with a two-game lead in the AFC South and a bye week behind them. The 1-4 Chiefs wouldn't seem to present much of a problem, but in Kansas City, where they "play to win the game" every week, you never know. And with a huge Monday night showdown with the Colts looming in Week 8, a letdown from Tennessee would certainly be understandable.
"But not excusable," says Jeff Fisher. "I promise we'll be ready. We've got a quote on our locker room chalkboard to remind us for times like this. It says 'If you lose to the Chiefs on Sunday, you are a piece of trash.' It kind of reminds me of the 'Hang in There' poster with the cute little kitten hanging for dear life from a tree limb. You can find that poster in Vince Young's locker. And speaking of Vince, he's been promoted to our number two quarterback. Lately, Vince has had lots of time to reflect on the past, and he's even put some of his thoughts into song. It's a rap song he performs under his rap moniker of 'Young M.I.A.' The song's called 'Bust a Move.'"
Chiefs veteran tight end Tony Gonzalez wanted to be traded, and to make that happen, Gonzalez had taken an unusual stance for a disgruntled player — he actually went to management and diplomatically discussed his options. In these times of unhappy players whining to the media about their wishes to play elsewhere, it was refreshing to see Gonzalez and K.C. management amicably discuss options. Alas, the Chiefs couldn't make a deal, and Gonzalez is left to rot in Kansas City. But at least he didn't have to pack.
"Oh, I had already packed," says Gonzalez. "I was ready to take the first flight out of the Kansas City International Airport, known by its three-letter airport code as 'MCI,' and hopefully land at my preferred destination of 'ABH.' That would be 'Anywhere But Here.'"
While Young's been sorting through his problems, the Titans have been winning with Kerry Collins at the helm. Collins has brought the forward pass to the offense, something Young had trouble delivering. And we all know what happened back in 2000, when the Titans rode another forward pass, that of Frank Wycheck, all the way to the Super Bowl.
Titans win, 23-6. Unlike two weeks ago, when Larry Johnson rushed for 2 yards, his rushing output (13 yards) is greater than his assault charges.
Minnesota @ Chicago (-3)
With a three-way log jam atop the NFC North, this game could well determine who comes out on top of the division, as the Vikes, Bears, and Packers are all stuck in a morass at 3-3.
"There you go again," says Brad Childress. "You just said 'three-way,' 'log jam,' and 'on top' in the same sentence. And I think you may have said 'more ass.' Now, how are we ever going to get past this 'Sex Boat' issue, when, week after week, you keep bringing up the sordid details of the affair? I'm trying to coach a football team here, and deal with the unruly chants from the fans of 'Fire Childress' even though we've won two in a row."
Very well, Coach. Let's talk about the Bears. Hypothetically, let's say the Vikings took some of the Bears out on a boat ride, to show the Bears how the Vikes put the naughty in nautical. If that escapade were filmed for later viewing, what 1980s television show could it be named after?
"I'm afraid to ask."
B.J. and the Bear, of course.
Last week, the Bears took a 20-19 lead over Atlanta with 11 seconds and still lost. How does that happen? Here's how: squib the kickoff, give the Falcons great field position, then allow a 26-yard completion to set up Jason Elam's 48-yard game-winning field goal. How do you explain that, Lovie Smith?
"Rex Grossman is my quarterback," says Smith. "Oh. I'm sorry. I'm using a canned response from last season's cache of canned responses. Let me break out the canned responses for this season. Ah, here we go. 'We wanted to avoid a big return that may have given the Falcons a chance at a field goal.' We certainly took the big return out of the equation. Of course, hind sight is 20/20. Next time, if faced with the same situation, I think we'll play it safe and go for the onside kick. Or, to play it safer, we just won't score the go-ahead touchdown."
With two of the top five rushing defenses in the NFL, offensive ground control will be tough to come by for either team. But heck, who doesn't want to see an aerial showdown pitting the likes of Kyle Orton and Gus Frerotte? Kyle Orton vs. Gus Frerotte? Sounds like an Old West gunfight, just without the guns. Bears win, 19-13.
San Diego @ Buffalo (+1)
When you think of the Chargers, you think of L.T., LaDainian Tomlinson. And, sadly, when you think of Buffalo, you can't help but recall another great running back most known by initials, O.J., the infamous O.J. Simpson. Fortunately, only one will have an impact in Buffalo, unless the Juice can hitch a 3,000-mile ride with 'A.C.' Al Cowlings and recover the loads of worthless O.J. memorabilia stashed in rental storage units or city dumps throughout Buffalo.
"It's a really sad situation," says Norv Turner. "A lot of today's players, L.T. included, grew up idolizing O.J. And it's come to this. A man once known by his two-letter initials will soon be identified by a six-digit number. Hey, what do the 'real killers' and 'valuable' O.J. memorabilia have in common? They don't exist. It's funny that now, more people have O.J.'s fingerprints than his autograph."
Are the 4-1 Bills the real deal? Sunday's game against the visiting Chargers and the following three weeks will certainly give an indication as to Buffalo's ability to win the AFC East. After the Chargers, Buffalo faces all three division opponents in consecutive weeks, two on the road.
"I guess the Juice better get ready for some 'naked guns,'" says Dick Jauron. "Hey, what'd you expect? My name's Dick. So you get 'dick' jokes. Like it or lump it."
This game has a playoff vibe to it. Except that it's October, it's in Buffalo, and LaDainian Tomlinson is actually playing. The Bills contain L.T., but Philip Rivers throws for two scores, and the Chargers win, 24-19.
New Orleans @ Carolina (-4)
While Drew Brees was nearly perfect against the Raiders, going 26-of-30 for 320 yards and 3 touchdown passes in a 34-3 win, Carolina's Jake Delhomme was downright atrocious, tossing 3 interceptions and registering a 38.6 passer rating as the Panthers lost in Tampa, 27-3.
"38.6?" says Delhomme. "Please tell me that's Celsius. Anyway, Ken Lucas had it easy earlier this year. Only one person wanted to punch him, and Lucas didn't know it. Me? Everybody wants to punch me, and I do know it. Sure, I was terrible. But lost in my misery were the accomplishments of Steve Smith. He had 6 catches for 112 yards, but even more impressively, he showed the restraint not to punch me."
Brees is on pace for 5,314 passing yards this year, which would shatter Dan Marino's 1984 record of 5,084. And at 3-3, the Saints are on pace to go 8-8 this year.
"I've heard the 'MVP' chants," says Brees. "And it's flattering. The voters have taken notice. I'm noticing them, noticing me. I'm so dangerous. As for the Panthers, Delhomme and I are both testaments to returning to the game from major surgeries. I had my shoulder worked, and Jake had his elbow rebuilt. I really don't feel like I lost anything. Jake seems to have lost his aim."
A late John Kasay field goal gives the Panthers a 27-24 win.
Detroit @ Houston (-9)
The Lions remain winless after a narrow 12-10 loss at Minnesota, but the city of Detroit can chalk up an important win, nonetheless —Eminem was named best rapper alive by Vibe magazine.
"I don't know the first thing about rap," says Detroit coach Rod Marinelli. "But since when has knowledge on a subject been a prerequisite for speaking on something? Heck, I coach a football team! Anyway, it's very surprising that Vibe named Eminem the best rapper alive. But how can you have a list of the best rappers alive and not include one single member of the 1985 Chicago Bears. Come on! Gary Fencik had mic skills. I mean, just listen: 'It's Gary here, and I'm Mr.Clean. They call me 'hit man,' don't know what they mean.' I defy Tupac Shakur, dead or alive, to duplicate the poetic magic of those lyrics. Anyway, I questions Vibe's judgment on this. They obviously have a pro-Detroit slant. I think Matt Millen came in at No. 15 on the list."
The Lions continued their housecleaning this week, trading Roy Williams and a seventh-round pick in 2009 to the Cowboys for first, third, and sixth-round picks next year. Detroit unloaded Williams while the market was high, and next year's draft picks would seem to indicate that a total overhaul is on the way for the team. That means Marinelli is likely to be gone at year's end, if not before. Unfortunately, his trade value on the market is negligible, although, on the black market, I think the Lions could easily get two cartons of cigarettes and a hubcap for Marinelli.
The Texans overcame two early Matt Schaub interceptions to beat the Dolphins, 29-28, on Shaub's 3-yard run with three seconds left. This was a week after three late turnovers by Sage Rosenfels had cost Houston a win over Indianapolis.
"Dallas isn't the only city in Texas that has a problem with 'T.O.,'" says Gary Kubiak. "Our 'T.O.' just happens to be 'turnovers.' Rosenfels and Schaub need to take care of the ball like the quarterback before them, David Carr. He rarely turned the ball over. His secret? He was so attached to the football that he wouldn't throw it, and ended up being sacked about 600 times."
Houston wins, 27-13.
Indianapolis @ Green Bay (-1)
Peyton Manning finally turned in the type of dominating performance of which we've become accustomed, dissecting the Ravens for 271 yards and 3 touchdown in the Colts' 31-3 win last Sunday. And maybe now we know why. Coach Tony Dungy revealed on Monday that Manning had not one, but two surgeries of his left knee this offseason. And it's taken Manning well into the season to fully recover.
"Hey, even surgeons have to call audibles sometimes," says Manning. "But if they did it as much as me, there's be patients dying right and left. When doctors initially operated on my left leg, they found something quite alarming inside. On my left kneecap, clear as day, were the words 'Your Ad Here.' So, we had to schedule another surgery to place an ad. Now, the knee is at 100%, so, if the Colts experience any failures from here on out, you can't blame me or the knee. You can blame our shaky defense and almost non-existent running game."
Manning will face Aaron Rodgers, the man partly responsible for denying NFL fans what would have been the "Iron Man Showdown," as Brett Favre would be facing Manning were Favre still a Packer. With Rodgers now the Packers quarterback, much of the luster has been taken off this game, although as far as division races go, it's big for both teams.
"Hey, I didn't tell Favre to go anywhere," says Rodgers. "Now, Mike McCarthy and general manager Ted Thompson did tell him to go somewhere. Luckily, Brett didn't heed their advice. Otherwise, heartburn would be the least of his worries."
"Anyway, I respect and admire both Favre and Manning. They've both worked long and hard to get where they are today. Maybe someday, if I play my cards right, I'll be able to alienate the Green Bay front office. And someday, maybe I'll be the guy in the commercial restraining The Chicken from attacking some geek who doesn't watch sports on HD television."
I'd keep your day job, Aaron.
Colts win, 30-27.
NY Jets @ Oakland (+3½)
So Eric Mangini gave his newborn son the middle name "Brett" after Jets quarterback Brett Favre. Zack Brett Mangini was born on October 10th, which was Favre's 39th birthday. That's quite an amazing coincidence. Did Mangini, during the conception of his child, have some sort of knowledge that Favre would become a member of the Jets? I think Al Davis would consider that some manner of "tampering."
"I think what's even more amazing," says Mangini, "is that even the under-developed mind of a week-old child still has the ability to change its mind. Especially one named 'Brett.'"
The Jim Cable era began in Oakland with a disheartening 34-3 loss in the Superdome to the Saints. Cable took over soon after Lane Kiffin's firing, and not long after Davis happened to stumble upon a showing of The Cable Guy on TNT. Whether Cable remains as coach of Oakland is anyone's guess.
"There's only one thing that will make Al step down from his duties," says Cable. "And that's a grave. Unfortunately, he's a picture of longevity. He may have three Super Bowl rings, but if you took a cross section of him, you'd see about 125. The man outlives trees, and giant tortoises."
What's the greatest thing about Raider fans? Despite Davis, they still keep coming to the games. There's Darth Vader, the spiked-shoulder pad-skeleton guy, and endless amounts of people in silver and black. And look. There's R&B and hip-hop singer, producer, songwriter, and musician Teddy Riley in a No. 8 Ray Guy jersey.
Jets win, 21-16.
Cleveland @ Washington (-7)
After last Sunday's shocking 19-17 loss to the then-winless Rams, Redskins head coach Jim Zorn had just a few words for his dejected team.
"Don't believe the hype."
Little did Zorn know that he unknowingly quoted the title of a Public Enemy rap sound from 1988, which, in NFL locker rooms, automatically gives a head coach instant street cred.
"Well, I'll be darned," says Zorn. "Does this mean I'll have to start wearing my baseball caps with the price tag still attached? Does that make me gangster? By that rationale, Minnie Pearl was the original gangster, and not Ice T."
"Anyway, we'll use the loss as a learning experience. We can get better, and we'll have to. Hopefully, the signing of Shaun Alexander will help us improve. Shaun's a former MVP, and his presence will bring experience, leadership, and two pom poms to the sideline."
The Browns are back in the picture after a season-saving 35-14 win over the world champion New York Giants. In that game, Derek Anderson and Braylon Edwards had breakout games after four disappointing weeks.
"I guess my position as starter has been cemented," says Anderson. "Now, if someone would just add water. I guess Brady (in-waiting) Quinn might as well go hang out in the green room."
The 'Skins had there "come back down to earth" game last week, after maybe getting a little overconfident. Now it's the Browns turn. Clinton Portis rushes for 131 yards and 2 touchdowns. Washington wins, 30-20.
Seattle @ Tampa Bay (-10½)
After shutting down the medium-powered Carolina offense in a 27-3 win, the Bucs are now locked in a three-way tie for the NFC South division lead, and technically lead the division with wins over both Atlanta and Carolina. Jeff Garcia was an efficient 15-of-20, passing for 173 yards and 1 touchdown as the Bucs' defense and special teams dictated the outcome.
"Efficiency," says John Gruden. "That's all I ask of my quarterbacks. That, and absolute submission to my way of doing things. Oh yeah, and a working spleen. You don't have to like me, you just have to fear me. And if you like me, something's wrong with you."
"Now, the Super Bowl is in Tampa this year, and with the topsy-turvy state of the NFC this year, we could just as easily as anyone represent the NFC in the big game. You know, I'm sure back in the early days of the Bucs, when they had Peter Pan on their helmets, no one envisioned this team playing a home game in the Super Bowl. Well, it's a possibility. I know I may be getting ahead of myself, because we haven't even clinched the NFC South. But we have already clinched homefield advantage for the Super Bowl."
With Matt Hasselbeck still mending back and knee problems, Charlie Frye will face the swashbuckling Buccaneer defense, helmed by defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin, whose pirating ways are limited to watching SpongeBob SquarePants on Nickelodeon, and a daily fifth of rum.
"Matt is rehabilitating nicely," says Mike Holmgren. "I know the injury situation has been tough on him, but his spirits have remained high. He even wears eye black to rehab sessions. I think, however, that Charlie is ready for the Bucs. It's a tough situation to be tossed into. Anytime you face the Buccaneers and the end zone pirate ship staring back at you, it's always a 'stern' test."
Tampa wins, 22-10.
Denver @ New England (-3½)
Ah, fall in New England. Football season is in full swing, the weather is comfortably cool, and the leaves are turning to shades of brown, red, and yellow, while others dazzle in a glorious hue most closely resembling the skin tone of Denver's Mike Shanahan, the NFL's "Agent Orange." And, as those leaves fall, so do the fading memories of New England's undefeated regular-season run, as this year's version of the Pats have dropped two games already.
"Hey, there's no reason to give up on the season just yet," says Randy Moss, an expert in the field of giving up on seasons. "But I'll let you know when that time comes. One way to tell is to look at my hair. My satisfaction is inversely proportionate to the wildness of my afro. I've got a feeling that I'll be looking like Buckwheat very soon."
"Matt Cassell may be the most 'vanilla' quarterback in the NFL. I guess that's why they call hime 'White' Cassell. Well, I wish Harold and Kumar would make another trip to White Cassell and take Matt with them."
"Now, I hear that Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall are pretty full of themselves. I hear Cutler says he throws the ball so hard that the rotation affects the tides on the East Coast. He's got a stronger arm than John Elway? Not strong enough to lift two Super Bowl trophies."
"As for Marshall, he claims he's the best. He must have read his biography on 'Wack'-ipedia. He must be Rocky Mountain 'high.' The only thing he's better than me at is getting charged with assault."
Does Bill Belichick have a remedy for the Patriots deficiencies? Some things you just can't cover up with "camera tricks."
Denver wins, 27-23.
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