NFL Predictions: Super Bowl XLI

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Chicago vs. Indianapolis

Super Bowl week in Miami begins with a shocking development at the Miami International Airport.

"And it has nothing to do with Michael Vick," says Peyton Manning. "Tank Johnson cleared airport security! Sometimes the cavity search is entirely necessary. Speaking of Vick, I hear he was stopped again trying to bring water on a plane. I guess he realized you can't bring water in a bottle on a plane, so this time he had it in a bong. Michael, here's a simple fact of life. If you want to sneak some buddha on a plane, do the smart thing: place it inside a Cypress Hill CD and fold a High Times magazine over that CD. Then, swallow it all. Works every time. And it never hurts to have Ricky Williams by your side."

All kidding aside, the matchup in drug-infested South Florida between the favored Colts and the underdog Bears promises storylines galore. There's the purple purveyor of passion, Prince, starring in a half-time show that people might actually watch. And, there's Kevin Federline's next big moment, in a Nationwide Financial Services "Life Comes At You Fast" ad, which, by agreeing to appear in, is an admission that you've hit rock bottom, again. Also, there's the matter of capturing the Holy Grail of the National Football League, acquiring all eight Burger King Happy Meal toys featuring the King in various positions on the field.

But all of those pale in comparison to the historic fact that two African-American head coaches have reached the Super Bowl. Tony Dungy will face his good friend Lovie Smith for the right to lift the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

"There have been some monumental coaching matchups in Super Bowl history," says Dungy. "Chuck Noll versus Tom Landry. Don Shula versus George Allen. Vince Lombardi versus Hank Stram. But enough with the honkies. Never before has the 'Mack Daddy' faced off against the 'Daddy Mack.' I think this game will open the door for more and more success by black coaches in the Super Bowl. As the saying goes, 'Once you go black, you can never go back.' Sadly, though, there are never any true winners in cases of black-on-black coaching."

Like a black head coach, Manning has never won a Super Bowl. And nothing could be worse for the Indy signal-caller than to be known as the greatest quarterback in NFL history never to have won a Super Bowl.

"You're wrong there, pal," interjects Manning. "It could be much worse. I could be known as the greatest quarterback never to have won a Super Bowl and the guy who lost to 'Train' Rex Grossman. That's bad. Me losing to Grossman in the big one? That would be like Troy Aikman losing to Neil O'Donnell in Super Bowl XXX. Or Steve Young losing to Stan Humphries in Super Bowl XXIX. Or Matt Hasselbeck losing to Ben Roethlisberger in Super Bowl XL. What's that? Hasselbeck did lose to Roethlisberger? Smokin' Aces! That must really suck for Matt.

"Of course, who am I too talk? I lost to Roethlisberger in the playoffs, as well. Like us, the Steelers were a 'team of destiny.' If you'll recall, last year, Roethlisberger tripped up Nick Harper on what was sure to be a game-winning touchdown return of Jerome Bettis' fumble. That was the Steelers 'destiny moment.' After that, you knew they were going to win it all. Similarly, we are this year's 'team of destiny,' and our 'destiny moment' took place in the AFC title game against the Patriots, when Reggie Wayne fumbled into the air after a reception, then plucked it right out of the air. Smokin' Aces! That was close! This team would be nowhere without Reggie. He's a big-play receiver, and he serves as Marvin Harrison's interpreter during Marvin's vow of silence."

"How can Manning say that the Colts are a 'team of destiny?' asks Grossman. "I think the fact that we're in the Super Bowl with me playing quarterback all year proves that we are truly the 'team of destiny.' We won a game in which I had six turnovers. We won games in which my quarterback rating was in double digits, and that's counting the decimal place. And, we won games in which the pregnant wife of a fan had her labor induced so her husband wouldn't miss the NFC Championship Game. Apparenty, she's more of a man than he is. How can that kind of dedication and/or stupidity be denied? It can't. We're going to party like it's 1985. Say it one more time. Let's go crazy."

So, Super Sunday starts off with a bang. After the good people at Cirque de Soleil open things up with the most amazing display of flexibility in a non-X-rated manner ever, Billy Joel gets the capacity Dolphin Stadium crowd on their feet. Pleased with himself, Joel then speeds away haphazardly on a golf cart, where he slams into former Saints quarterback Adrian McPherson, who was likewise drilled earlier in the year by T-Rac, the Tennessee Titans' mascot.

After the carnage is cleared, the Colts win the coin toss, and Manning goes right to work. After dumping a screen pass to Joseph Addai, Manning takes a hit from the charging Johnson. While on his back with the hulking Tank on top of him, Manning, normally known for quick thinking on his feet, has an idea. He slips a water pistol from his waistband into Johnson's, and the Chicago defensive tackle is found to have broken the terms of his bail agreement, forcing his extradition back to Illinois.

"Now we go to school," says Manning.

The Colts, however, fail to capitalize on the drive, but two Adam Vinatieri field goals and a Manning touchdown to Harrison give the Colts a 13-10 lead at the half. Grossman has a mediocre half, with a passer rating that hoovers around the number of albums Prince has released. All things considered, Smith is pleased to be down only three points.

"How dare those bookies list us as seven point underdogs," complains Smith.

Check it, Lovie. All year long, the talk has been about the AFC's superiority. It's been a foregone conclusion that the NFC representative would be the underdog since about Week 3. Don't complain; do something about it.

"I would have settled for 6½," replies Smith.

In the second half, both teams finally come to their senses. The Bears realize that a few good defensive games in the playoffs doesn't necessarily mean the Colts run defense can't be attacked like a knife through hot butter. And Manning and the Colts realize that the Bears defense has been overrated all year. So the Bears go to work on the middle of the Colts defense, and Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson grind out tough chunks of yardage. The Colts attack the Bears down the middle as well, with the pass. Nursing a 28-27 lead, Manning directs the Colts on a 11-play, 71-yard, 6:45 drive that culminates with a Vinatieri field goal. Left with only 45 seconds to drive for the winning score, the Bears come up short when Grossman's pass is intercepted by Bob Sanders.

Colts win, 31-27.

After the game, MVP Manning announces his intentions to visit Disneyworld, on the conditions that they provide him with a film room, and he gets to ride Space Mountain.