In the tradition of Kundalini Yoga, there is a mantra: Sat Nam. It means True Identity. Or, who I am is Truth. I like to think of Truth, or Reality, as another way of thinking about God/Goddess/The Universe/Higher Power (whatever you choose to call it). Whatever is happening right now, whatever is arising in my life, IS. And I can learn from it, if I pay attention,
because it’s showing up for a reason. Usually because it has something to teach me. If I pay attention. Most of the time I don’t pay attention, and so reality has to get louder, more painful, more obvious, until I make the choice to stop ignoring/numbing/defending and turn towards it. In this way, God/Goddess/The Universe/Higher Power, etc, shows up in my life in the things that aren’t working. The things I keep trying to ignore or fix or blame on someone else. My problems are my teachers.

Before I got sober, my problems showed up as an unmanageable marriage to an addict; trying to parent my son while I was hungover; not having any idea what I was meant to do with my life; poverty. My life was trying to get my attention - hey, you are trying to use alcohol and relationships as your higher power. That doesn’t work! We’ll show you that doesn’t work by sending you an addict husband and a terrible headache - your life will get unmanageable. Wake Up!

In 2008, after unsuccessfully trying to control my drinking, and getting the worst head cold I’d ever had, I finally started to pay attention. And that sent me on a journey that has led to sobriety, meaning, purpose, becoming a yoga teacher and therapist, writing a book, a new husband, a new child, and a whole new way of life. Thank goodness my life got my attention through all the suffering I experienced while I was drinking!

And, today, suffering continues. Because I’m not all healed yet. I have more to learn. Thankfully, I’m still teachable. I have practiced over and over noticing what isn’t working, and turning my attention there. Working steps on it. Asking for help, from humans and from the Universe.

The first step in this process is noticing that there is a “problem.” In the beginning, it was the terrible marriage, the hangovers, the lack of direction, the money stress. Today, the “problems” look different: aspects of my personality that cause myself and my husband pain. The bullying part of me. The martyr. The one that feels lonely and afraid of being alone. All of these aspects that show up and cause “problems” in my relationships and in my life, are parts of me calling out to be loved and healed and transformed. And I’m working the steps with them. Not to be rid of them, but to know myself more deeply, have greater compassion for myself and others, and learn how to transform my suffering in the moment.

That’s what my recovery journey looks like today, using the 12 steps, and the embodied practices of yoga and meditation, and mantra and visualization, and writing, and sharing with safe women in sobriety.

If you resonate with this, you might start by asking yourself a pretty basic question: Where are the “problems” in my life?

For most people, you don’t have to look too hard. But you do need to be willing to slow down and turn your attention towards the areas of your life that aren’t working. To stop pretending that if you just work harder or exercise more or watch more Netflix, things won’t be so painful.

How is my physical health doing?

How are my primary relationships feeling?

Am I fulfilled in my work?

How do I feel about money?

Do I have a sense of purpose and direction?

How is my emotional health?

Do I have community and healthy friendships?

Am I happy?

These are just some of the areas that your life might be inviting you to look more deeply into. Perhaps you are suffering because there is healing and transformation available for you. If only you slow down and pay attention and get willing to ask some questions.

In Step One, we ask ourselves: how can we listen to reality and see the Truth more deeply, not to beat ourselves up, but to learn, heal, evolve, and change? We take off the mask and stop pretending that everything is fine, and we stop believing the falsehood that we’ve got this under control. We look at what’s really going on. When we bring honesty to our situation, we open the door to accepting Truth and Reality. That is the first step towards finding healthy ways to change, ways that actually work.

Here is a simple breathwork meditation from the KY12 Workbook which helps you to connect with what is True about your current challenge or problem.

MEDITATION FOR A CALM HEART

Sit comfortably in a chair or on the floor. The spine is straight, shoulders relaxed, heart lifted.

Place the left hand on the heart center, and connect with compassion and kindness for yourself, your challenges, your suffering, and this journey of life you’ve been on.

Place your right hand in front of your right shoulder, as though you are taking an oath (to yourself). The thumb and index finger gently touch in wisdom mudra.

Inhale deeply, fully, and slowly through your nose, and suspend your breath. Notice the stillness in your body, and let that stillness come to your mind as well.

Hold the breath as long as you comfortably can. Then, let the breath out through the nose deeply, fully, and slowly, and hold the breath out as long as you comfortably can.

Again, connect with stillness, calm, presence, attention, wisdom and compassion.

Inhale when you need to, and continue this way for a few minutes, then write on the following questions:

Where is the suffering in my life? What isn’t working?

Is there a substance, behavior, situation, or relationship that may be causing my life to be especially difficult?

How are these problems helping me to notice or learn something? Where is the opportunity for growth and healing?

If you discover some areas of your life that could use your attention, are you willing to give them that attention? What would deeper healing look like? Perhaps you are ready to take a journey to find out?

Originally published through The Camel: Yoga4Sobriety Magazine

To learn more about the next Journey through the 12 Steps for Women course starting in January 2023, check out the KY12 webpage: https://www.ky12step.com/events/2023journey

Q: What did you get out of the Journey through the 12 Steps course? How was it useful to you?

A: What I got out of it was community. I was really missing practicing Kundalini Yoga during Covid. Also, when I did teacher training there were so many Kundalini Yoga teachers in Austin, so KY12 was a way to differentiate myself and offer something unique to my community. I went to a workshop on KY12 at Summer Solstice, before the workbook was published, and I was interested in KY12 because as I would do kriyas myself, I was always connecting the kriya to the Steps even though the Steps are not mentioned in Kundalini Yoga. So I wanted to be in connection with people who were in recovery but also in the Kundalini community. I was very interested in what you were doing because I wanted to see, could I learn to do this and offer it? 

Q: Who would be the ideal person to take the course? 

A: A person who is really committed and ready to go through all 12 Steps. Someone who is really committed to their recovery and who wants to develop their Kundalini practice in their recovery. Someone who can really see the connection and is motivated to work through all the Steps. It might be helpful to know a little bit about Kundalini Yoga. You are so good about being gentle, and I think the KY12 program is a great introduction to Kundalini Yoga, but it might be helpful to know yoga beforehand too.

Q: How have you used the material from the course personally? 

A: It helped me to confirm for myself that I’ve put together the right elements for my recovery - the Steps and Kundalini Yoga. Kundalini is the most important aspect of my recovery. I sometimes struggle with regular 12 Step meetings. But I feel that people in recovery really need Kundalini. The Steps don’t really address the energy and physical aspects. If I hadn’t discovered Kundalini I would still be drinking. And the Steps are also important - when I finally surrendered to the Steps and to yoga, that’s when I realized that’s the combination that works for me.

Q: How have you used the material from the course professionally?

A: I knew that when I took the course that I was going to do something with KY12. I wasn’t really sure what, I had several ideas, and I still have more ideas, but what I decided to do, because it can be hard to get a Kundalini class, is to reach out to Communities for Recovery. It’s on the Austin State Hospital grounds, it was founded by a doctor who was an alcoholic, and everything that happens there has to be related to recovery, but not necessarily to the Steps. It operates through volunteers. Everything has to be offered for free, it’s for lower income people who can’t afford to get other kinds of help. One of the students who was in Kundalini teacher training with me, found your Workbook, and she came and said to me, “Have you seen this book?” and I said, “Yes, I took the course!” and so we discussed what we might do together. We went to the director and they had a great space, with mats and bolsters. They advertise it on Facebook, and I’m also working on a little website to let people know the schedule for the class. We’ve committed to getting through all the 12 Steps, from August to December this year. The class ranges from 2 to 9 people, and there are regulars who come every time. We read through the chapters and pretty much do the kriyas that you suggest in the Workbook. And we’ll start over again in January. We wrote a script that’s based on the one you shared with me. The format for the class is: we open with the Serenity Prayer, we read from the part of the Workbook that focuses on the Step, and then we do a Kundalini Yoga class based on the Step. We do warmups, breathwork, and a shortened kriya. Then we do a 6 minute gong and a 6 minute meditation. Then we close the class and open it up for sharing about people’s experience with the kriya, or the Step. Usually we get a pretty good conversation! We have one guy, in early recovery, and the rest are women. We do have an older lady who uses a chair and we just adapt the kriya for her. 

It’s going well now. It’s one of my favorite things to do. 

And this class already got me a job! Because they put my bio on their Facebook page, and a lot of the rehabs in the area follow their page, one of the program administrators at one of the intensive outpatient facilities reached out to me. She asked if I could sub classes, and I did several times. Then I asked if she would be interested in Kundalini, and she invited me in to teach the adolescents. They paid me well, and even though it was difficult to teach that population, hopefully I was planting a seed. And I’m hoping to approach a rehab with KY12. I know most rehabs are really focused on the Steps.

Q: Do you have any other ideas of how to share KY12 with the world?

A: I have every intention of continuing doing what I’m doing. And I’m trying to create a small blog or webpage, and I’ll put the cover of the Workbook as our guide, and I’ll share the schedule and invite people to come. If I can find a way to share it with rehabs I will do that too. I prefer to teach in person, not on Zoom. Close to me in Austin is an intensive outpatient program, I might ask them if I can offer a meeting to their patients. It helps me to get hours teaching, and bring Kundalini to addicts. It helps me to stay in touch with the program, and keeps me honest! I might take a yoga therapy certification course and then be able to offer this through a doctor’s office.

I think this is a great program, I’m a big supporter, and I think it needs to be shared!

Check out https://ky12austin.com for more information

Thank You Kelly!

2022 started out rough, especially in my relationship with my husband, and over the first 6 months of the year, much has been healed as I did the work of the 12 Steps, complemented by the embodied practices of Kundalini Yoga and Meditation. During that time, I went from blaming him for my unhappiness, not trusting his good intentions, always looking for his faults, creating suffering for us both…to traveling overseas with him as I made amends for my own part in our difficulties. Taking responsibility for my own happiness. Working as a team as we traversed the countries of Georgia and Turkey. Forgiving him (and myself) for not being “perfect.” I went deeper into the Steps than I ever had, and received more blessings and transformation that I ever had as well.

It was a whirlwind to walk through all 12 Steps in 6 months, and not everyone who started in January made it through them by the time we reached the end of June. I realized that journeying through the Steps is a very individual path, and that trying to make everyone fit into one timeline left some people out. So the idea came to make the Zoom videos that I’ve created over two year’s worth of Journeys into a self paced video course. 

I am now honored to be able to offer all 16 videos that comprise the Journey for anyone (men included!) to access at any time. Using these videos, you can work on any issue (addiction, mental or physical health issues, relationships, self sabotaging behavior, etc) and in any program (AA, NA, Al-Anon, CoDA, OA, etc; or no program at all). You can be brand new to the Steps, or working them for the tenth time. And now you don’t have to wait for a new group to start - you can take the Journey whenever you are ready, and move at your own pace. One Step a month? Two Steps a month? 6 Steps in a year? Follow your inner guidance, and access each video as you are ready.

The one challenge with this approach is that you won’t have a community of support around you, walking the Journey with you. So to ameliorate that, I am offering email support and guidance at no extra cost as you progress through the videos. And you can of course always request private Zoom sessions with me. Additionally, there are women who have gone through the Journey who may be available to sponsor you at no cost. Reach out to find out more about any of these options.

I wrote the KY12 Workbook because I felt it was my life’s work to offer this program to the world, and I knew I couldn’t reach everyone personally who could benefit from it. A book could find its way into the hands of many. These videos now go the next Step to share yoga sets, meditations, personal stories, guided visualizations, writing prompts, and more, with anyone who wants to access them. May they support you on your Journey, and may they reach all those searching for an embodied recovery. Sat Nam.

Find out more about the Journey through the 12 Steps Video Course HERE

Rachel is also available to work one on one, and she has created a series of videos guiding you through each chakra and emotion. Learn more about that course HERE.

The following are excerpts from Rachel’s recently released Step 4 Guide called Compassionate Inquiry

STEP FOUR: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The creators of KY􏰕􏰖12 chose to combine the seven chakras with the seven difficult emotions in order to experience an embodied Fourth Step. We like the term Compassionate Inquiry instead of “moral inventory” because it reminds us to approach ourselves with kindness and with the intention to see ourselves more clearly so we can heal. Healthy, supportive self-care is vital during this time, along with a solid foundation in acceptance and self-compassion.

This KY􏰕􏰖12 Fourth Step inventory combines the work of Gurumeher Singh and Senses of the Soul® with Guru Rattana Kaur’s embodied exploration of the chakras. We will explore each of the seven difficult emotions (Fear, Desire, Anger, Grief, Depression, Guilt, and Shame) and learn to understand and work with it more skillfully. This exploration is embodied by incorporating movement, meditation, mantra, breathing, and other practices relating to the relevant chakra.

• 􏰗  Fear and First Chakra

• 􏰗  Desire and Second Chakra

• 􏰗  Anger and Third Chakra

• 􏰗  Grief and Fourth Chakra

• 􏰗  Depression and Fifth Chakra

• 􏰗  Guilt and Sixth Chakra

• 􏰗  Shame and Seventh Chakra

The pairing of the emotion with the chakra is unique to the KY􏰕􏰖12 approach. As you explore each emotion and learn to come into dialogue with it, you will also learn about the associated chakra, as well as movements, breathwork, mantras, meditations, and other embodied tools to heal and balance each chakra and emotion. We have also included Worksheets that can be used to explore and document your work with each emotion. The underlying understanding about the emotions is that they are our allies, they are here to teach us how to take care of ourselves, and that when we listen to them without acting out, we get access to an inner guidance system that is invaluable for living life. As you use these tools during your Fourth Step, it is our hope that you will gain skills to work with difficult emotions throughout your whole lifetime.

Below is some information to help you understand the Second Chakra and Desire:

Second Chakra: Pelvis, sacrum, sex organs, and glands. Bladder. Color: Orange. Element: Water. Themes: Sexuality, creativity, addiction, relationship dysfunction, bonding, emotional attachment, passion.

Imbalanced: Loneliness, abandonment, rigidity, craving, indulgence, codependence, lack of boundaries, people-pleasing, obsessive behavior. Self-rejection, repressed emotions, frustration, living in fantasy. Crave but avoid connection. Ashamed of the body and sexuality. Emotional commotion. Sexuality not integrated with love.

In Balance: Emotional warmth and connection, emotional awareness, inner satisfaction, non- judgmental, relaxed, feel deserving of love, spontaneous, empathetic, capable of true intimacy. Ability to be creative, self-loving, passionate. Connected to inner child. Joy, happiness, enthusiastic, unrestrained, relaxed, and free. Magnetic personality, spontaneous. Can take care of own emotional needs. Can be in relationship without losing yourself.

Desire/Longing: Connect with yearning, needing, wanting, craving, obsession, addiction. Desire ultimately leads to self-sufficiency, deep contentment, empowered self-containment, and the freedom of desirelessness. Brings you clarity to understand your needs and the energy to satisfy them so you can feel contentment and serenity. Helps you move towards a sense that you have everything you need and develop a sense of feeling complete, capable of getting what you need, trusting that you will be provided for, so you can begin to desire only what is. Unite with yourself and your energy to feel satisfied and complete.

Here are some embodied practices that help you to access, bring compassionate inquiry to, and heal the Second Chakra and Desire:

• Sat Kriya; frog pose; sufi grind; pelvic lifts

• Holding the breath out

• Visualize the color orange filling and healing your pelvis

• Kriya for Sex Energy Transformation

• Kriya for Instinctual Self

• Mantra: Beautiful am I, bountiful am I, blissful am I

The Step 4 Guide also includes guided visualizations to work with Desire, and Worksheets to help you take compassionate inventory of how Desire is showing up in your life and what some potential solutions might be. May you find contentment, connection, and creativity!

STEP FOUR: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The creators of KY12 chose to combine the seven chakras with the seven difficult emotions in order to experience an embodied Fourth Step. We like the term Compassionate Inquiry instead of “moral inventory” because it reminds us to approach ourselves with kindness and with the intention to see ourselves more clearly so we can heal. Healthy, supportive self-care is vital during this time, along with a solid foundation in acceptance and self-compassion.

This KY12 Fourth Step inventory combines the work of Gurumeher Singh and Senses of the Soul® with Guru Rattana Kaur’s embodied exploration of the chakras. We will explore each of the seven difficult emotions (Fear, Desire, Anger, Grief, Depression, Guilt, and Shame) and learn to understand and work with it more skillfully. This exploration is embodied by incorporating movement, meditation, mantra, breathing, and other practices relating to the relevant chakra.

• Fear and First Chakra

• Desire and Second Chakra

• Anger and Third Chakra

• Grief and Fourth Chakra

• Depression and Fifth Chakra

• Guilt and Sixth Chakra

• Shame and Seventh Chakra

The pairing of the emotion with the chakra is unique to the KY12 approach. As you explore each emotion and learn to come into dialogue with it, you will also learn about the associated chakra, as well as movements, breathwork, mantras, meditations, and other embodied tools to heal and balance each chakra and emotion. We have also included Worksheets that can be used to explore and document your work with each emotion. The underlying understanding about the emotions is that they are our allies, they are here to teach us how to take care of ourselves, and that when we listen to them without acting out, we get access to an inner guidance system that is invaluable for living life. As you use these tools during your Fourth Step, it is our hope that you will gain skills to work with difficult emotions throughout your whole lifetime.

Below is some information to help you understand the First Chakra and Fear:

First Chakra: Root, tailbone/base of the spine, perineum, pelvic floor, large intestine, legs, feet. Color: Red. Element: Earth.

Themes: Finances, food, health, shelter, security. Foundation, support, connection to the physical world, security, survival. Feeling safe, getting basic needs met. Relationship to nature, the Earth, and the physical body.

Imbalanced: Feeling unsafe, insecure, or numb. Poverty consciousness. Greed, possessiveness, can’t count on anyone. Ungrounded, uncomfortable in the body. Can’t manifest or attract abundance. Defensive, sensitive to criticism, feeling you need to justify your existence. Sense of being alone in a hostile world. Overwhelmed. Afraid of being vulnerable. Lack of self-worth.

In Balance: Sense of belonging, feeling at home on planet Earth, safe in the world. Able to trust yourself and others, able to relax and enjoy feeling alive in a body. Prosperity consciousness, desire to be here and enjoy life. Generous. Ability to trust and dare. Honoring and taking care of the body. Respect and love for the Earth. Can take a chance and try new things. Able to be vulnerable. Aware of your inherent self-worth.

Fear: Connect with insecurity, doubt, indecision, worry, confusion, anxiety, panic, and efforts to control. Heal that so you can feel what you feel without terror. Gives you energy to get information or act so that you can feel security and peace. Helps you move towards a sense that there is nothing to fear. Develop a sense of fearless security within yourself and with the Divine.

FEAR: F%ck Everything and Run. Or, Face Everything and Recover. Fear is the illusion that we are alone.

Here are some embodied practices that help you to access, bring compassionate inquiry to, and heal the First Chakra and Fear:

• Stretch legs; Sufi grind; chair pose; standing poses while grounding into feet

• Visualize dark red color in root and legs

• Practice Root lock

• Connect to the Earth

• Relax and Release Fear Kriya

• Meditation for Emotional Balance

• Ganpati Kriya Meditation

• Listen to the mantra Chattra Chakkra Varti

The Step 4 Guide also includes guided visualizations to work with Fear, and Worksheets to help you take a compassionate inventory of how Fear is showing up in your life and what some potential solutions might be. May you find your fearlessness and begin your Step 4!

A foundational principle of Kundalini Yoga is expressed in the mantra Sat Naam. Sat Naam means True Identity. Whenever we say or contemplate Sat Naam, often in sync with our breath, we are connecting to our true selves, to Truth, to reality, to what is. Truth is a great teacher. In the Kundalini tradition, one of the ways to name God is Sat Naam, reminding us that when we have connected to Truth, we are connected to something very powerful.

As both a Kundalini Yoga teacher and psychotherapist specializing in 12 Step recovery, I suggest that in the first of the 12 steps, we admit we are powerless over our various addictions and problems—that our lives have become unmanageable. When we undertake Step One around a specific substance or behavior, we are consciously examining what is true about our relationship with that substance or behavior. How do we use it? What happens when we do? How have we harmed ourselves or others with our use or behavior? How are we powerless over the situation? We’ve tried to change or control our behavior or experience, but it hasn’t worked. How has life become unmanageable, impossible, or so difficult that we are at a loss as to what to do?

These can be difficult questions to consider. Perhaps we have been trying to control or change our use or behavior, and it hasn’t worked. Step One asks us to look at whether we need to admit our powerlessness over our use or behavior so that we might have the opportunity to connect with our Sat Naam, our True Self, a source of Power that we haven’t been able to access up until now. Life, our bodies, and our difficulties—what is—can often be our greatest teachers if we stop denying, ignoring, and trying by ourselves to change or control them.

In Step One, we ask ourselves: how can we listen to reality and see the Truth more deeply, not to beat ourselves up, but to learn, heal, evolve, and change? We take off the mask and stop pretending that everything is fine, and we stop believing the falsehood that we’ve got this under control. We look at what’s really going on. When we bring honesty to our situation, we open the door to accepting Truth and Reality. That is the first step towards finding healthy ways to change, ways that actually work.

Here is a meditation which helps one to connect with what is True about their current challenge, problem, or addiction.

Meditation for a Calm Heart

• Sit comfortably in a chair or on the floor. The spine is straight, shoulders relaxed, heart lifted.

• Place the left hand on the heart center, and connect with compassion and kindness for yourself, your challenges, and your journey.

• Place your right hand in front of your right shoulder, as though you are taking an oath (to yourself). The thumb and index finger gently touch in wisdom mudra.

• Inhale deeply, fully, and slowly through your nose, and suspend your breath.

• Notice the stillness in your body, and let that stillness come to your mind as well.

• Hold the breath as long as you comfortably can. Then let the breath out through the nose deeply, fully and slowly, and hold the breath out as long as you comfortably can.

• Again, connect with stillness, calm, wisdom and compassion.

• Inhale when you need to, and continue this way for a few minutes, then write on the following questions:

1. Is there a substance, behavior, situation, or relationship that may be causing your life to be especially difficult?

2. Can you remember that the reality you are uncovering with this Step can serve as a Teacher?

Originally published by New Earth Almanac

But things started to change as I opened my own yoga studio and became my own boss—and evolved even further as I developed the idea to write a book. The book involved taking the work of two men—the founder of Kundalini Yoga and the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous—and combining them to create something new, which I called Embodying the 12 Steps:Kundalini Yoga for Recovery (available HERE). In the early stages of the book, I looked to quotes by both men to affirm that my ideas were worthy and used their language and beliefs as proof that what I thought had some value.

But then, just before I was to publish the book in 2020, the founder of Kundalini Yoga was exposed for sexual and spiritual abuse, and I had to pause the whole project. It forced me to rethink my reliance on him as an authority figure, and I found that when I removed any mention or direct teaching  of his, I still had plenty to say. In fact, it empowered me to claim my ideas and words as my own, instead of looking outside of myself to some other authority.

On the 12 Step side of the project, I realized that my approach was evolving to be more gentle and compassionate, and less judgmental and preachy, than what many experience in 12 Step groups and literature. Although I kept the traditional 12 Step language about “character defects” and “moral inventory,” the practices that I paired with each Step infused encouragement, uplifting, and self-love to balance out the tendency towards harshness. I trusted what I had experienced as a woman in recovery, mentored by other women in recovery, and wrote in a way that I felt others would be nourished and nurtured by: receiving what I had received, being given what I had needed, offering my own vulnerability instead of putting myself on a pedestal or becoming an authority for someone else to look up to. What I want for others to experience is self-love and a growing trust in their own inner guidance and wisdom, to listen to their own voice.

I realized that what I had done with this project—taking the best of two paths and combining them—reminded me of the feminist theory I had studied as an undergrad. Instead of the masculine belief in One (one teacher, one philosophy, one Truth) I had created something which highlighted the Many (many teachers, many practices, many paths)—which felt like a more feminine approach. The work that had flowed through me included choosing dozens of Kundalini Yoga practices (yoga sets, meditations, mantras, breathing exercises), as well as a focus on the seven chakras and seven difficult emotions. It addresses any addiction or problem instead of focusing on one, it includes the personal stories of many other yogis in recovery, and it incorporates writing exercises that encourage connection to multiple layers of inner truth and guidance. And I had co-created this new creation with my own divine intelligence, as well as with many other yogis in recovery.

In addition to a more feminine approach to the teachings and practices developed by men, I also came to realize that the two approaches really needed each other to balance each other out. The 12 Step approach is one of reading, writing and speaking—very “head up.” It needs to be balanced with an inclusion of the body to ground and make real all the mental, emotional and psychological work that recovery requires.

On the other hand, yoga practitioners can often engage in spiritual bypass—a tendency to think that by focusing on yoga and meditation, one needn’t do psychological work to heal. By embodying our recovery, we can engage in a compassionate, vulnerable, honest exploration of our role in our own suffering and acknowledge the suffering we cause others. And both traditions tend to be dogmatic and orthodoxy-based, with any attempts to adapt or alter strongly discouraged. For instance, traditional 12 Step language refers to God as He—I knew that also needed to be changed to a gender-neutral term. In adapting and combining both practices, I am stepping out of line, and risking being called out for using my voice.

The word “author” is derived from words meaning “to create and teach,” and gives rise to the word “authority.” In the process of creating this program and authoring a book, I am consciously leaving behind the tendency to look outside of myself for authority, and am learning to author my own life while also encouraging others to do so for themselves.

Originally published through New Earth Almanac

I believe that getting sober at age 33 in 2008 was the beginning of my kundalini awakening. The doubt, fear, unexpressed grief, and years of unprocessed emotions needed to be allowed up to consciousness before my inner light could be remembered. By putting down the alcohol, cigarettes, pot, and unhealthy relationships, and embarking on a 12 Step program, I began to learn the tools of emotional healing and how to live life - and the possibility of bringing my gifts into the world was awakened. My sponsor, and regular meetings where other people shared so honestly and openly, all showed me that it was possible to live without drugs, alcohol, and marriage to an addict, and that dependence on those things was a symptom of some serious underlying issues. In 2010, at a year and a half sober, I was suffering from those underlying issues terribly (depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts), when my AA sponsor brought me to my first Kundalini Yoga class. I felt like I had come home, and that the daily relief I had been searching for had finally been found. I began doing Stretch Pose and Ego Eradicator every day before getting out of bed, and it was suggested that I start a 40 day practice of Kirtan Kriya. In addition to my daily practice, I attended AA meetings and worked the 12 Steps, and began to develop the courage to make some big changes in my life, including ending a dysfunctional marriage. In 2011, I began the Kundalini Research Institute Level 1 Yoga Teacher Training in order to share this life changing practice with others. Right after completing my training, I went to West Africa to share the healing power of Kundalini Yoga with young victims of a civil war in Liberia. In 2015, I completed the eight day SuperHealth training, where I learned how Kundalini Yoga can support those in recovery from addiction. Some of the fellow teachers who I met during that training were also in 12 Step programs, and the idea dawned on us to bring together the 12 Steps and Kundalini Yoga - if the 12 Steps can work for millions of people, why not for Kundalini yogis? We had all experienced firsthand that sadhana alone wasn’t enough to remove our own addictions. And we also knew that meetings and the Steps, although incredibly supportive, did not in themselves provide a daily practice of movement and meditation - things that 12 Step programs insist are vital to recovery. In 2016, we started to meet on regular conference calls, and Embodying the 12 Steps: Kundalini Yoga for Recovery (KY12) was born. In 2017, we began to brainstorm what would become the KY12 Workbook, which will be published in the Spring of 2021. As we explored the yogic concepts and the principles of the 12 Steps, we began to see many parallels and complementary ideas. Together with Chandra Kirin Kaur of Austin as project manager, co-writer, and pillar of support, we decided to include 12 personal stories from Kundalini yogis in recovery, several kriyas and meditations that would support each Step, a few mantras to practice with each Step, questions to write on to explore each Step, and one of the relevant 10 Bodies. A big task! In addition, I wrote a Step 4 supplement, which incorporates each of the seven chakras with seven difficult emotions to create an embodied personal inventory. The KY12 Workbook became a 200 page e-workbook, which allows us to link to the Library of Teachings and 3HO.org for most of the kriyas and meditations, and we were grateful to receive KRI approval for the Workbook in 2019. Chandra Kirin and I taught a KY12 class at the 3HO Summer Solstice events in 2018 and 2019, and in 2019, I took myself through the program, improving and modifying it along the way. I also began working with individuals in private sessions, leading them through the KY12 Steps. In 2020, I offered the first Year through the Steps to a group of women, where we met each month (at first in person, and then over Zoom once the pandemic began) and created a safe community to share our process through the Steps. Also in 2020, I decided to remove the quotes from Yogi Bhajan from the Workbook, and realized that the KY12 work could stand on its own without reference to him - affirming the 12 Step concept of “principles before personalities.” This year, I’m offering the second Year through the Steps, to women from all over the US and from Canada and the UK; many of the participants are new to the 12 Steps, and some are new to Kundalini Yoga. And I’m so excited to have offered the first KY12 training course during the end of July 2021! This course was open to anyone (teachers, non-teachers, all genders), and we met for 6 days to go on a journey through all of the KY12 Steps. Participants were empowered and encouraged to share KY12 with others. This training course earned approval from KRI so that it is a Specialty Course, and the graduates are now certified to share KY12 with others. The KY12 Workbook is set to be published in October 2021.

KY12 Mission: To share the practical wisdom of the 12 Steps with yoga practitioners, and to bring Kundalini yoga sets, meditations, and lifestyle ideas to people in 12 Step programs or in recovery from addiction, dysfunctional behavior, health issues, or difficult relationships. This program helps people in recovery learn to use their body in the recovery process, as well as facilitates a safe and supportive community for yogis in recovery.

Lately, there has been a buzz around the word kundalini and what it means to have a “kundalini awakening.” Is it dangerous? How do I know if what I’m experiencing is kundalini, or something else entirely? What do I do if my kundalini energy is waking up?

Lots of “symptoms” get blamed on kundalini – from muscle spasms to seeing colors vividly to not being able to sleep. Likely, it’s not the kundalini energy itself that is causing problematic symptoms, but the physical, energetic, and mental blockages that are not allowing that energy to flow. Kundalini energy is divine feminine energy that awakens the awareness that exists in all of us. When we experience kundalini “symptoms,” that energy is knocking on the door to get our attention and awareness so that we can make positive changes. When that happens, we can become who we are meant to be and wake up to our destiny.

The soul has taken a body and come here for a reason, and if you are not living out that purpose, kundalini can show up as disruptive so you can change course. It’s a (sometimes not so gentle) reminder so that we don’t sleepwalk through life.

Below are some signs that you might be undergoing a kundalini awakening.

1. Things Feel as Though They are Falling Apart

Part of the kundalini awakening process can look similar to a mid-life crisis, or a Saturn return in your astrological chart, where everything that you had committed to previously begins to dissolve or be taken away.

Old habits and addictions, relationships, family connections, diet, work and career – everything comes up for review. If it’s not in alignment, it will most likely be removed from your life.

We can resist this process out of fear, but usually, that only makes the changes more painful. This is the beginning of a journey that will take courage, discipline, and support to make it through.

2. Physical, Emotional, and Energetic Symptoms

Some people will experience physical and energetic symptoms at this point. Some can be emotional rather than physical (anxiety, depression, despair), but many people speak of very obvious signs (shaking, visual disturbance, inability to relax, a major rush of energy, a near-death experience).

The nervous system is unable to handle the amount of energy that is wanting to move, and this can show up in a myriad of ways.

For some people, the experience is slow and steady, for others it is intense and immediate. The important thing is not to obsess over the symptoms but find ways (discussed below) to allow the energy to move by healing the body and opening up the channels of energy. Don’t focus on the particular symptoms, but find ways to heal the body and release the blocks. Western medicine will often resort to prescription medications that do nothing to address the root cause of the blockages.

3. Courage, Willingness and Desperation to Try New Things

The intensity of these experiences will often be enough to drive people to try new things.

People seek changes in diet, healers, leave relationships, change jobs — all done in an attempt to respond to what is happening on the inside.

When what we know isn’t working, we tend to become more open to doing our work.

4. Miracles and Synchronicities Appear and You Receive Support From Unexpected Places

Once we are desperate enough to be willing to try new things, we become available to receive support and miracles from unexpected sources. We meet the right people, attend the right workshop, stumble across the right book, find the right yoga studio…whatever we need shows up at the right time in the right way.

5. Increased Sensitivity to External Things (Food, Media, People and Places)

Once we start to make these changes, we can expect to become more sensitive to things that we used to be able to tolerate. To help with these sensitivities, learn to cook wholesome food, and become more aware of the media you might be consuming. During this phase, many of us find that we have to change our “playmates and playthings” as our system adjusts and we learn to stabilize a new homeostasis. Perhaps we realize we need to move out of the roommate situation and find our own apartment so that we have space to take care of ourselves. We might also find it necessary to avoid watching violent TV shows or be around large crowds of people. The nervous system is undergoing changes to be able to handle more energy, and this leads to increased sensitivity. This isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of increased awareness and potential.

6. Awareness of Internal Energies, Intuition, and Inner Truth

Not only are we more aware of what’s happening around us, but we become more sensitive and attuned to the thoughts, feelings, and energies within us. We know when our old habits are starting to sound enticing, or when our heart is beginning to shut down. We pay more attention to our intuition and begin to develop a relationship with our soul, our Inner Teacher. What other people say or think about us becomes less important to us, because our inner compass is more reliable and clear and perhaps we become aware of areas of the body that need some attention, especially in the lower chakras. If we feel ungrounded, we tune in to what we need to feel more stable and connected to our body and the Earth. If we feel a lot of shame, and that our creativity is blocked, maybe we need to work on past sexual trauma or wounding. If we feel blocked in moving forward with our life, maybe we need to work on our core, our navel area, to feel more connected to our personal power.

We become our own healers by becoming aware of what we need in the moment, and learning the skills to take care of ourselves.

For many people, this includes a daily yoga and/or meditation practice. We need time on a daily basis to work with our own energy, quiet the mind, and give ourselves an opportunity to look beyond ego and personality, to our deeper selves. In the Kundalini Yoga tradition, this time is called Sadhana, meaning a daily personal practice or discipline. Knowing the tools that lead to inner transformation is a first step, but in order to actually heal and evolve, we need to use them regularly.

7. Increased Compassion, Desire to Be of Service, and Recognition of Oneness

When we become more aware of ourselves, we become more aware of the world around us. Our energy has healed through the lower chakras, and now it can move into our Heart Center. Our compassion for our self leads to compassion for others. We wake up to the suffering of others, and because our heart has been opened, we feel it more intensely. This naturally leads to a desire to help, to give to others the help we’ve received along the way. The age-old truth of the interconnectedness of all beings becomes an inner knowing, instead of just a thought.

Knowledge has become wisdom through our experience, and we desire to use our wisdom and compassion in the service to others.

Once we feel more settled into our own body, we feel a closer connection to Mother Earth, that which supports our bodies and lives in every way. We can no longer turn away when we see injustice or environmental degradation. The task becomes, how do we continue to practice self-care, while we also act to protect and preserve what is sacred to us.

8. Sense of Purpose and Destiny

The final indication of the kundalini awakening, is a growing sense of purpose, or destiny. When we have worked on ourselves to heal our past, when we know the tools to clear the energy in our body on a regular basis, and when we have made a connection to our heart and our Soul, we are ready to “deliver our destiny.”

We can express who we are, and feel our connection to the Divine more and more. We can begin to do what we came here to do.

Maybe that means we become a yoga teacher, a writer, or an artist. Perhaps we run a non-profit organization, become a great parent, or we volunteer in our community. When we are living out our destiny, we feel a sense of purpose and energy, a willingness to do whatever it takes to be of service and show up with our gifts. The Universe tends to support us in doing this, giving us opportunities to share what we have learned and experienced. The point of a kundalini awakening isn’t to be able to see people’s aura colors or have esoteric powers, but to show up and be a steward to our world. To become who we were meant to be. To live in integrity with our own spirit.

What To Do If You Are Experiencing a Kundalini Awakening

Try out a Kundalini Yoga class or work with a teacher. This ancient modality was designed to clear out the energetic blocks and stimulate your own healing potential. If you are experiencing anxiety and uncomfortable symptoms, stay in the body, not in your head. Pay attention to what bothers your nervous system and avoid those things, especially before bed or upon waking.

Increase self-care. Beware the mind’s tendency to overthink or get obsessive. Take it easy. Decrease stress. Find ways to serve others. Trust the process. Find others who are like-minded, either in person or through a virtual community. Develop your daily practice of yoga and meditation. Eat well and let go of old habits and addictions. Know that you are not alone and that more and more people are being called to leave their old lives behind them, and step forward into the life they are meant to live.

Originally published on Gaia.com