**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault and rape.

Many people just don’t know how to respond when someone comes out and says they’ve been assaulted. They fall into what culture has shown us, unfortunately for the victim, that culture is a rape culture.

Learn how to appropriately and compassionately respond to a victim of abuse and/or sexual assault. Learn what to say to them to help them feel safe and loved. Learn what to say to the accused.

It’s up to us.

Courage, Integrity, and After-Care Respect (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault and rape.

Many people just don’t know how to respond when someone comes out and says they’ve been assaulted. They fall into what culture has shown us, unfortunately for the victim, that culture is a rape culture.

Learn how to appropriately and compassionately respond to a victim of abuse and/or sexual assault. Learn what to say to them to help them feel safe and loved. Learn what to say to the accused.

It’s up to us.

Responsible Community Response (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault and rape.

To take responsibility for one’s own actions, to be able to say “I fucked up, and I’m sorry,” is very healing and compassionate. It speaks to a loving person with great self-awareness and courage to do so, and the result is more respect from your community and more love in your life.

Stand up. Be a man. Accept responsibility for your actions and show your strength of character by apologizing. Remember, you don’t have to be “wrong” to apologize. You don’t have to be “wrong” to admit that another person has been deeply hurt or traumatized. Acknowledgement and apology. So powerful, indeed.

The Power of Responsibility (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault and rape.

It is often described as a “fate worse than death,” and, it is. In many ways. This podcast mostly focuses on what is known as “the rape culture,” what that means, and how very prevalent it is.

Thank you for listening.

A Fate Worse Than Death… (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault and rape.

Exposing perverts like Violentacrez (aka Michael Brutsch) and other Reddit users to post to such subreddits like CreepShots, RapingWomen, and Jailbait.

Name and shame, that’s the only way to effectively deal with predators and rapists until the laws catch up and protect citizens. It’s up to us and our communities.

Exposing Predditors (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault & rape.

Sex-Positive is a trendy term meaning, again, different things to different people, but it mostly means that sex isn’t something to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. It’s about enjoying sex. Seeing it as a beautiful, natural expression of love and desire.

Unfortunately, much like the “free love” movement in the 60s, this budding sex-positive culture is being taken over by the predators who use trendy terms and conscious-sounding phrases to prey, exploit, and discard others. Usually women. The term is being used to excuse predatory behavior and perversions, like bestiality, incest, and sexual assault.

Be truly sex-positive and openly discuss how to keep yourself and your loved ones safe. Discuss how to deal with predators in your community and how to deal with sexual assault. That’s sex-positive.

Positively Sex-Positive (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault and rape.

Welcome back, once again, to the Polyamory Podcast. It has been several months since I recorded a podcast, but I’m very happy to be back.

This installment talks about the word “polyamory” and how it is being used and misused, how some polyamorous communities perpetuate abuse and assaults by turning a blind-eye, and about the importance of investing in one relationship at a time.

Poly vs. Amory (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

The best advice I can give you is the same advice I’ve been given again and again, and have promptly ignored because I was swept up in passion.

Take your time. Protect yourself. Open your heart to love, but keep your eyes open as well.

Building a Romantic Relationship (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

Welcome back to the Poly Podcast!

This week! The Joy of Sex, and what a joy it can be. Remember, it’s a gift you give yourself and your lover. It’s sacred. It’s beautiful. It can be utterly profound.

Treat it as such.

Never use sex to punish or control. It’s like spitting in the face of The Divine. Only monsters do such things.

The Joy of Sex (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

May you find peace…

-_Q

Original May 2012 post:
Forgive me, dear readers and listeners.

I will be taking at least a month-long hiatus from podcasting the relationship essays. The next ones in the queue are from early this year when things were blissful with the auctioneer, before I was aware of the underlying abuse I’ve discussed at length in the past months since the split (i.e. devaluing and discarding). As I’ve said and read about again and again, narcissists are extremely convincing.

It is still far too painful and the betrayal too fresh to read those posts and relive the gorgeous dream that turned into a horrific nightmare overnight, so I’m taking a hiatus from reliving it again to care for my heart.

I hope you all understand.

It’s interesting to view the progression of the relationship, however.

To see how it can seem so beautiful and turn into something so painful. To watch how I took on the blame myself, even in the posts, and believed he was patient, loving, and kind. How I deluded myself those first weeks after the split. How my found peace was likely utter aftershock and near catatonia. How my readers rallied around me in support and solidarity through the comments. How I slowly realized just how deep the damage was.

Yes. He is a master manipulator. No doubt.

• Kramping My Style
• The Joy of Sex
• Building a Romantic Relationship
• Primarily Secondary
• Facing Fears
• The Impact of Abandonment Fears on Self-Esteem
• Letting Go to Love More Deeply
• Put on the Back Burner
• Standing Strong
• Enlightened Relationship & Transcending Pain
• Engulfment Fears: Running Away from Love
• Breathing Out, I Smile
• Grass is Greener Syndrome
• Embracing Surrender & Finding Peace
• He Said, She Said
• Letting Go
• Creating a New Identity
• Feeling Helpless
• You Are Not Alone in This
• When Love Becomes Toxic
• What Are You Laughing At?
• Evolve, Damn It!
• Oh, That’s Right (poem)
• Pathology of the Commitmentphobe
• PTSD from Emotional Abuse
• The Problem with Self-Awareness
• Allegory of the Cave
• Authentic vs. False Self
• Look Into My Eyes (poem)
• Starting to Function Again
• Ethical Responsibility: STI Edition
• Silence is the Abuser’s Greatest Weapon
• Texting Fantasy
  
• People Who Hide Behind “Poly”
• How to Fuck Up a Relationship
• My Heart Still Wants to Believe (poem)
• Poly vs. Amory (serious rant)
• Please, No Platitudes
• Love Bombing, Sex, & Flattery
• A Fate Worse Than Death
• Cut the Double Standard
• Inside the Mind of a Monster
• Sixteen Years Later…
• An Open Letter to the New Girlfriend(s) of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
• The R Word
• Out, Damned Spot, Out
• Drink the Kool-Aid
• The Power of Responsibility
• “My Friend, the Rapist”
• Safe to Burn
• Six Months Ago Today
• Responsible Community Response
• Of Grace & Gratitude
• Clarity and Consent
• Burning Strong
• Stalking at the Burn
• A Moment of Courage (poem)
• Courage, Integrity, & After-Care Respect
• Still (poem)
• Positively Sex Positive
• Exposing Predditors
• Falsely Accused
• A Fan Letter from a Rapist
• Ending Rape Illiteracy and 50 Actual Rape Facts
• Successful Polyamory, or Poly vs. Amory (non rant)
• Who’s to Blame?
• How I Became a Rape Victim
• A Rape in BRC

Yep. The cost of 3-4 weeks of bliss has been 22 weeks (and counting [edit: make that 36 weeks and counting. 8/14/12; um, 40 weeks. 9/10/12, but I’m coming out of it now, especially after what I witnessed at Burning Man. Yep. Done.]) of fearful confusion if not downright agony. Thus is the ratio of a relationship with a very charming narcissistic commitmentphobe. Please learn the signs early and save yourself the pain I’ve experienced.

The Polyamory Podcasts will resume in June, I hope. Certainly, I will be able to read them without tears by then. Right? I’m already close to that now thanks to the support of dear friends, readers, and loved ones.

Namaste.

.

*Update 5/29/12* — let’s make that July…
*Update 8/6/12* —-Um, September?
*Update 9/10/12* —–Yes! September! Poly Podcasts to return very, very soon…but in a different way than before.
*Update 10/8/12* — Okay, so not until October. I’m better. It’s been a long, horrible road, but the sun is rising now. More productive every day. Before long, I’ll tackle this podcast again, but likely won’t go through my Romance & Relationship posts like I was. Just chat about other poly/relationship/sexual topics. Maybe even have guests!

Also, I’ve updated the list of links above to include more related posts on the topic.

*Update 3/22/13 — 14 months after the rapes. I see quite clearly now that although I glimpsed “heaven,” it was a lie. Drug-induced lie, one I didn’t consent to. It was real for me. The cost for that brief fantasy has been over a year of PTSD, rape recovery therapy, and living a life of isolation and hell. Not worth it. Please keep that in mind when reading the earlier posts before I had detoxed from his poison. Also, the Polyamory Podcasts will likely never resume, at least no time soon, as I cannot talk about sex anymore. My entire view of reality has shifted, as you will see in some of the later posts. Such is the life sentence of a rape survivor.

Not on this list, many many many more post on rape and rape culture, healing, coping, and the like. Please check out the “Romance and Relationships” category to read late 2012 and 2013 (and beyond) posts.

One of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse…

Named after the film Gaslight, it subtly and slowly makes the target question his/her reality, deferring to the abuser. After weeks, months, or years of this, the target no longer knows what’s real and has completely lost their sense of self, but the worst part of it is they rarely know it as they’ve been slowly brainwashed that entire time. They only realize it when they’re out of the toxic relationship and can gain some perspective and support. Please, be on the lookout for early signs of Gaslighting. It is insidious and traumatic.

Gaslighting (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

Compersion is a word coined for the polyamorous lifestyle meaning to find happiness when your partner is happy or experiencing joy rather than feeling jealous about it. It is indeed a choice. Jealousy does not just go away on its own, as it was taught to us in society, but we can make a choice to deal with the roots of our jealousy and choose compersion instead.

Jealousy vs. Compersion (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

The most insidious lies are the ones we want to hear…or sometimes the ones we tell ourselves. Learn some of the lies predators tell to get your trust, and please learn to recognize the signs early and protect yourself from heartbreak and betrayal.

Insidious Lies (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

He’s Scared, She’s Scared. Highly Recommended Book on Commitmentphobes.

Luck has nothing to do with it. So many people look at those in open or non-monogamous relationships and think we are so lucky to have fallen into such a fulfilling lifestyle! Sex! Lots of hot sex! Or so they think. Let’s address these misconceptions, shall we?

Lucky, Lucky Poly People (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Loving More Website

Enthusiastic Consent. Wait for it. There is nothing sexier than your partner meeting you enthusiastically as you proceed through the sexual dance. If they’re not enthusiastic, STOP. Slow down. Check in. Something. Sex is a gift you give to each other. It is not something you take for yourself. Ensure your partner is right there with you every step of the way.

Yes Means Yes (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Please, please, please check out this list of warning signs to see if you’ve encountered an emotional or sexual predator. They usually seem charming and sweet, especially at first, so protect your heart against these parasites. All too often, they themselves have no idea they are predators, so it’s up to you to protect yourself. As a therapist once told me, someone can pretend quite well for at least three months and sometimes up to a year or more, depending on the amount of time you see them. If you live together or see each other daily, it shouldn’t take longer than three months. Take your time and learn about each other slowly. Don’t invest more than you’re able to lose.

Emotional & Sexual Predators (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Emotional Vampires are sometimes hard to spot, but we discuss some warning signs that you  might have encountered an emotional vampire. If you’re in an intimate relationship with one, it can be extremely exhausting and damaging. Beware.

Emotional Vampires (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Sexual release through masturbation, starting with treatment for “Hysteria” in the Victorian Era. From misogyny to sexual freedom among women…

Also, I’ll answer a reader’s concern on the podcast. Please call in with your relationship issue to 512.943.2271 to record your question or write to me with your concerns.

Please Release Me (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Everybody lies…or do they? Unfortunately, too many people lie or deceive out of fear or laziness. Sometimes just because they have no integrity. If you’re a good, honest person, approach new relationships with a healthy dose of skepticism, but don’t let them turn you into a liar. Keep honest and let them build trust. Words + Supporting Action + Reliability Over Time = Trust.

Everybody Lies (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

The touch of another human being can be a powerful source of healing, not only for what’s going on inside your own heart and mind, but for your relationship as a whole. The gesture of a loving touch given freely and frequently throughout your days can transform your relationship from one that feels empty and distant to one that is full of love and affection. So please, just reach out and touch your spouse. Often. It only takes a fraction of a second, and it can change your entire life.

Human Touch (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

If your sexual preference or lifestyle is “controversial” by society’s terms, you might find yourself questioning whether or not to share it with your family and friends. For those who are GLBT, the answer is increasingly yes, and I couldn’t be more pleased. Society is *slowly* moving past tolerance into acceptance around GLBT. Finally.

Alternative lifestyles are a different story. They are not understood or accepted by society, although I see that *slowly* changing as well. More and more people I meet not only know the term polyamory, but they often know someone who is living an open lifestyle. But the question remains…do you share this with your more conservative friends/family?

Sharing Your Lifestyle (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Love. Such a simple word, but too many people avoid it like other four-letter-words. Although a simple word, it certainly does not convey a simple concept. Love is very complex sometimes, although it’s apparant complexity is really just a delusion. Nothing is more natural or beautiful than love, and it is just fear around the word or the intimacy it often suggests that causes people to give pause. The word love in the English language has many meanings from a deep affection or preference for something (I love my dog, I love chocolate) to actually being “in love.” And so many things in between.

Sometime hearing those three little words can make someone’s day. We all need to feel loved, so use it freely. Just ensure the recipient of those powerful words understands your meaning behind them, especially in romantic relationships. It’s perfectly wonderful to express love even before two people are “in love.” Make sure you both are on the same page.

Those Three Little Words (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

One thing that has long baffled me is the answer to the question: “Why do good people cheat?” Maslow’s Hierarchy answered that for me, at least to begin to understand why, and it has to do with physiological needs trumping any sense of morality.

Still, as I’ve said so many times before, there is a better way if you can find the courage to talk to your partner or SO. Truly, so much less painful for everyone involved.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Don’t listen to nay-sayers who tell you that long distance relationships don’t work. They do if you want them to. Like any relationship, it’s a lot of work and communication, perhaps moreso because of the geographical distance, but they are far from impossible.

Remember, don’t let society define your relationship for you. You and your partner define your own relationship and what works best for the two of you.

Long Distance Love (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

You cheated. Now what?

Your choices before an indiscretion are infinitely better than afterward, but you do still have choices if you’ve cheated on your partner, just not good ones. Find out what your options are now that you’ve deceived your spouse or SO, and most importantly, don’t betray them again. Find the courage and take the steps necessary to find the integrity to be a good, honest person.

Choices After Indiscretion (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

We all fear abandonment, some of us fear it more deeply than others, but the thought of being alone can be very scary. And that fear can cause us to clam up, keep things inside because we’re too scared of what will happen if we talk about our fears. But that is exactly what you must do with your spouse or SO. Open up. Communication. Share your lives, your fears, your dreams. Through this communication, anything is possible. This is how you build intimacy. This is how you build security, and this is how you ease those fears.

Fear of Abandonment Can Lead to Infidelity (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Falling in love is intoxicating. There is no doubt. Our brains are full of those euphoric love chemicals and we feel full of life. And by all means, do fall in love, but just protect your heart for a few weeks at the very least, if not for a couple of months. Trust takes time to build. People often are not very honest at the beginning of relationships, putting their best foot forward and all. Be sure that their actions back up their words. Be sure they can be trusted with your heart. Be sure they are worth of your love because they have integrity and are honest. You are worth the wait. You are worth the effort, and if they don’t think so, they are not worthy of you.

Protecting Your Heart (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Break ups are hard. They’re painful. They can be absolutely devastating and crippling, but they don’t have to be. There will be pain no matter what, as you are separating your lives and redefining yourselves as no longer a couple, but that pain can be minimized with significant effort and communication. You owe it to yourself and to your SO/spouse to ease through the transition together. After all, you have been very special in each other’s lives. There is no reason why you need to stop knowing each other (except, of course, in cases of abuse). Sometimes relationships must end, but they can end amicably, with love and respect.

Ending a Relationship with Love & Respect (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Opening your marriage or LT relationship takes a lot of time, care, and effort. It’s not going to happen overnight. It’s probably not even going to happen in a few weeks or months. It may take years. The timeline all depends on how open and honest your relationship currently is and how much work you put into it. All relationships take effort, the best ones take the most. Take the time and love to talk with your SO and truly get to know each other. It is so very worth it.

When Your SO Says No to Polyamory (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Intimacy is terrifying for many people, but it is essential for healthy, happy relationships. Building intimacy takes courage, not only the courage to open yourself up to another person, but the courage to trust another person as well, especially if you’ve been badly burned in the past. Open up that communication with your spouse/SO now. Please don’t wait another day. It is so worth the effort.

For Better or For Worse (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

If you have been a victim of abuse or suffered through an abusive relationship, it is important to acknowledge the abuse, whether it neglect, verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual, was not your fault. It was not your shame. But, now that it’s over, it is your responsibility to regain your power and redefine your sense of self. Don’t allow the abuser to continue hurting you by proxy. For links to the songs mentioned, please visit the original blog post.

Breaking the Betrayal Bond (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Sometimes called Stockholm Syndrome, a betrayal bond is an inexplicable bond one makes with his/her abuser. Until that bond is recognized and broken, the victim of abuse cannot heal or move forward. Often times, we see the periods between abuse as kindness, and we start to empathize with our abuser. It is very important to recognize this pattern and break it. For links to helpful books and the quotes from the sources spoken about in this podcast, please visit the original blog post.

Breaking the Betrayal Bond (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

As in the traditional marriage vows, we promise to stay together for better or for worse. And yes, in rough times like through financial difficulty or illness, we must honor our commitment to each other and work through it, but what if the “worse” is losing love and respect for each other. What if the “worse” is emotional or physical abuse? There are things far things “worse” than ending a relationship that is not serving either of you.

For Better or For Worse (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

In every relationship, as time progresses and the real world settles in, sexual and passion often fall to the side. Instead of looking elsewhere for that euphoric fix, try reconnecting with your spouse/SO first, opening communication, and talking about your options together.

You Don’t Turn Me On (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Although breakups can be extremely painful and difficult, sometimes takes months or years to get over, it is always better than staying in an abusive or unhealthy relationship.

Breakup > Suffering Abuse (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Too many people in our society devalue sex, and it’s unfortunate because, ultimately, sex is a beautiful gift. Get a woman’s perspective as to why.

Sex as a Gift (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

An exploration of the Firefly character Inara Serra and her inherent strength in the face of impossible love.

The Strength of Inara (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

It is very important, as you work through the stage of grief after a failed (and especially an abusive) relationship to rebuild your self-esteem, even though we may feel shattered at the loss of a love or a betrayal.

Rebuilding Your Sense of Self (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Do you believe in Love at First Sight?

Love at First Sight (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

The root word for passion is the greek pathos, meaning “to suffer.” Same as the root word for pathological. I talk a bit about how passion might cloud our judgement and how to tell if someone is really into you or if they’re likely lying.

Pathological Passion (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

If we know about a deception that could destroy a marriage or relationship, do we have an ethical responsibility to tell the wronged party? Would you want to be told? What if you found out your best friend knew and said nothing? In this podcast, I explore the ethical questions surrounding infidelity.

Ethical Responsibility (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

We live in a highly misogynistic culture, and we might be perpetuating misogyny by just keeping quiet when we hear misogynistic comments. Or, worse, we find humor in it, as people have done with Charlie Sheen. Let’s learn to recognize misogyny in social situations as well as in personal relationships…and stamp it out.

Rewarding Misogyny (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

How does a polyamorous lifestyle fit into the dogmatic morality of some religions?

The Morality of Love and Sex (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Suicidal tendencies and mental illness are grossly misunderstood in our society, and they carry a nasty stigma as well. Any mental illness, whether relatively mild or severe, is a physical problem first. Through education, we can begin to understand the nature of these disorders and counteract them before they become too much to bear, leading to self-injury or suicide.

Suicidal Tendencies (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Before you can take care of anyone else, you must first take care of yourself. This podcast talks a little about mental and emotional disorders like depression and anxiety, which so very many people suffer from, and how to not only support yourself but also to support your spouse/SO through the crazy times.

Healing Yourself (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Before you can even think too seriously about talking to your spouse or SO about something as serious as polyamory or other types of non-monagamy, you must first be in a very healthy, honest, and intimate place in your relationship. This podcast gives you some tips on how to start bridging that gap.

Healing your Relationship (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Talking to Your SO About Polyamory

Original blog post here.

Podcast Promo

Dispelling 5 Myths of Polyamory

Original blog post here.

As this is my first podcast by myself, it is rather bare bones. Please help me become a better podcaster by telling me what you liked and how you think I could improve the podcast. I’m rather nervous, actually.

Thank you for listening.

Podcast: Polyamory as an Alternative to Infidelity:

Original blog post here.