I have to admit that after this happened, I could not stop thinking of you. And I can’t think of a better way to say that this is the kind of love I want you to wait for. Here’s what happened:

While preparing a birthday gift for a dear friend, I went into my boxes to find photos of us over the years. What a bittersweet moment, sis. The more I looked at those photos, the more I realized time is passing without my permission. I remember standing there, posing, seeing the flash… and now it’s documented history. An exercise that was meant to show the strength of our friendship turned into a reality check for me that I don’t look the way I used to. (To be fair, I don’t look BAD now. But I can see how my face is changing, how much hair I’ve lost, how much grayer I am, and it just doesn’t line up with what I feel my age is inside.) I struggled with the moment- I think that’s what it’s going to be from here on out, occasional moments of confrontation with the truth, and struggling with it until it absconds, and I go back to carving myself new laugh lines because I’m happy. I’m mentioning all of this to let you know that my guard was down, and I was already feeling a little blue.

I came upon my wedding photos, and now I started looking at my mother. A bright thought came to me- when she was forty, what was she doing, and how did she look? My husband was sitting nearby, so I asked him because he does the math in our house, what year my mom would have been forty. When he told me, I flipped back into my mental scrapbook of that time in our lives, looking for memories of her. They didn’t turn out to be good ones.

My next not-so-bright thought was, when did my mom start liking me? My computer was already open, years of photos just a click away. I began thinking and looking back. “What year was my mom fifty?” Hubby answered. I puzzled more. Finally, he asked me what I was looking for.

“I don’t know,” I sighed, “I was trying to figure out when my mom started liking me.” As soon as I said it, I realized the answer was when I got married. I told my husband I was going to go shower.

Sisters, harsh reality was hitting me on multiple levels. As an afterthought, I am telling you now, I didn’t realize that I cry in the shower. When I feel pain, I have become so accustomed to turning up the taps so the sound of the water drowns out my sobs. I can’t even tell you when this started. But this time would be different. I got into the tub, took a deep breath, spoke the truth, and began to cry.

Suddenly, I heard heavy footsteps and the curtain pulled back violently. I gasped, there stood my husband, but only for a moment. The water was still running, and he got into the tub, fully clothed, arms extended to hold me. I pushed him back until I realized that he had heard me and could not stand to let me cry by myself.

I felt ridiculous, but his face was so soft and kind, and he held me. He soothed me. He told me to let it out, it was okay, and I was safe. My face was dry now- I was in shock and ashamed, to have been discovered and now here he was, getting wet, just because I was sad.

Then came the voice of the Holy Spirit, who had orchestrated a commercial break on TV, right before the water began to burst forth, revealing my secret. Just let me love you. My husband held me, and I grieved that I had gone unloved for so long. At the same time, the Trinty was in the tub with me, holding me, and healing me from this wound.

As I closed my eyes, I saw my husband in his tuxedo, just like on our wedding day, climbing into that tub to hold me. The wedding is nothing without the bridegroom, and there is no bridegroom without the bride. I didn’t look like a bride that day, but in my heart, I felt like one. This is exactly what the Apostle Paul meant when he wrote that a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). The ruined suit means nothing! There is no wedding without me! And this is how I am meant to be loved!

Later at service, we sang in worship everyone’s favourite torch song, Reckless Love. I took a deep breath to belt out that beautiful line, “Oh it chases me down/fights til I’m found/ Leaves the 99” and I felt like an apple hit me on the head.

That day, I was the one that Christ chased after, to overcome me with His love.

I was pursued and discovered, literally naked and ashamed, and restored to the One who loves me.

He took the pain away and reminded me to tell you,

This is the love worth waiting for!

Of course I mean the love of God, but also, when you are getting engaged and saying I do, you have no idea how marriage will undo you! How there will be moments of such deep vulnerability and exposure. And when no one is looking, when it just the two of us, I can honestly say that my husband loves me the way Christ loves me. Because of this, he is often the vehicle that God uses to minister to me as I open myself to minister to others.

Oh my, my. More than anything sister, this is the love I want for you to experience.

               This week I was praying for a friend who is deeply struggling with alcoholism. I know all about the situation, but he is currently hiding from everyone who loves him, and I was just remembering him in prayer. Regardless of what has triggered this recent episode, the source of his pain is quite apparent to me. I know he could not handle being confronted with this from me, as others have already tried to rationalize with him about what has to be done. But this time, as I prayed, God showed me his pain was like asphalt jammed into a pothole and pressed with heat to keep it in place.

               If he could only see that he is holding the pain in place of the hole, if he could only see how easily he can be restored to wholeness, but he can’t. I saw the pain hover over his chest. In times like this, when he is distressed, he is holding it in place, but it is dislodging and can be moved. There is an opportunity to shine God’s light into that hole, and literally bring revival.

               I was filled with a longing to reach out to him and encourage him to let it go, but as soon as I thought of it, I began to remember what it took for me to learn how to let go. Sis, the log in your eye is real. It may seem obvious to us why people suffer, but we must always keep in mind that before we knew better, we did the best we could and often, it was in vain. It’s hard to see our friends and loved ones suffer unnecessarily. Here are three things  about the truth that might help you or someone you know process pain.  

1.      When we rail against truth, we suffer. <- I am paraphrasing, but this is something that I heard Iyanla Vanzant say once and it made a lot of sense to me. If I understand the truth but do not accept it, everything I do concerning this thing is only going bring me pain. It also will eclipse and warp my understanding of the truth, because my brain will still be trying to make sense out of something that is non-sensical. Want an example? How come, when X cheated on me, all of my rage was directed at the girl he cheated with? Because love stopped me from being able to process that indeed he was responsible for inflicting this pain on me, and ending our relationship. Because my deceitful heart could not stand to accuse someone it was tender towards, although facts were pretty clearly pointing to a truth I could not accept: if he really loved me and was committed to me, he would not be with someone else.

2.      Being afraid of the truth puts us in a place of anxiety and deception. We are more likely to believe what we want over what is real because it's easier to lean towards false truth. A person in pain is immersed environment where anxiety and paranoid thoughts can run rampant. You need people who love you to surround you and gently speak the truth to you.

Isolation promotes deception. The voice of God will never tell you to do things that against the principles laid out in the Bible. And yet, we have to be careful to not surround ourselves with the messages, voices and scripture that are pointing us to go against the truth. Attention! This is a tricky, sticky point.

So many times I’ve heard people say, “I have faith that my husband will come back and my marriage will be restored.” Sis, it is good to have faith. Particularly when life throws you curves and you don’t know what will happen next. You can trust God to work it out: but you also have to let God be God. That means you can’t control Him. You can pray out everything in detail that you want Him to do and how you want it, but He is God and our tiny, human brains cannot even fathom His thoughts or His ways. Having faith means no matter the outcome, you trust that God will work it out for your good, but also, you need to make sure that you have faith in GOD and not the marriage. The marriage has already shown itself to be damaged and in need of repair. Denying this truth and chanting “I have faith that God will work it out” will only cause you more pain in the end, because your heart will be disappointed. I won’t say that we need to embrace the truth, but at some point, it can help to stand in front of the bathroom mirror, look yourself in the eye and speak aloud what the truth is that you are afraid of, that causes you so much pain. Speaking the truth can literally jumpstart the process to set you free from the pain it is causing you.

3.      The truth is not a ceiling, but rather a starting point that you can build on. Whenever we look at baseline data, be it personal or business, the mindset that we have to apply is that the data is what it is; we are not going to hide it or hide from it, we are going to see it for what it is, and let it be a starting point to work on improvement or change. If you treat the truth as a ceiling that is capping you, bumping your head against, holding you back from achieving success or pursuing happiness, you will not only have a bad headache, you will harbour frustration and resentment. Pray and ask God to show you the baseline to the truth, whatever it is. In the light of His direction, you need to rewrite the way you have been thinking of it. “My husband left me to raise these kids on their own” may be the way you see the truth, but to turn it a baseline it needs to read, “I am a single parent to these kids”.

That might be too far a stretch, to see that truth with a growth mindset. Maybe it would be easier to think of the truth as not the last sentence, but instead the first phrase. From painful places, we can move into the kind of transitional change that can lead us to greater authenticity and connection to our friends and family.

Can you please take a moment to pray for my friend? He doesn’t know you, and you don’t know him, but he needs it. I am always thinking of you, much like the apostle Paul was thinking of Timothy, and wanting only to see you grow in the grace and knowledge of God. Thanks Sis!

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to juggle everything effectively and add to this body of work. I have been struggling physically with some health problems, and for quite some time, the cause was unknown. But now that I’ve found out what it is, I feel I need to share this with you, because I intend to be fully healed by my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Before I go there, I want to trust you with something. I have had a traumatic childhood. In my mind, it wasn’t that bad, but then again, the lens through which I see myself and my history has been seriously cracked. I want to tell you that it took all the human will I could muster to pick up and keep going. Even my self-destructive rebellious years were not nearly as bad as they could have been. I absolutely would not have made it without God; He was my guide even before I acknowledged Him. Having said that, I made a decision to bear down and fight for a chance at a different kind of life. That in itself required imagination, because so much happened and I could not often see how it would be possible to choose different avenues in life. Once I became aware that trauma from  my past was holding me back from a closer walk and a deeper experience of God, I rolled up my sleeves and did the work to dig up the pain and allow the light of the Holy Spirit to shine in all my dark places through deliverance. In addition to receiving prayer ministry, I got myself into therapy at different points to tackle specific issues that were stubborn and not moving. I came to trust God so easily with this that the moment He asked, would you like me to heal you from this? I would run straight to the altar, like a child who stubbed her pinky (hurts a lot, but you won’t die). Because I engage in this work head on, I have been able to live a life that meets my criteria for success. I really am happy. Of course things are not perfect; such is life. But I am happy with my progress and where I am with God today.

Imagine my disappointment when I realized that my heart has been negatively affected by childhood trauma, and as an adult, research shows that this among other things for Children with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) leads to early mortality. Isn’t it enough that the people who did terrible things to me stole that precious innocent time in my life? Now I find out that even though time has gone on, my body never stopped responding to the stress of abuse and now there is scientific evidence of a problem. When I was telling my friends about this, one of them said to me, “I hear you talk about your life and I have no idea how you turned out to be so normal.” If I, someone who has done the work, am struggling with these physical disorders, what will happen to the adult still in denial that anything went wrong?

I admit. I have known a couple of people who died young, spontaneously, from heart attacks that arose from complications of other things, like diabetes. The more I read about ACES, the more I understood how those people lost their lives without realizing what was happening.

Guys. I have enough trauma that whenever I meet a new therapist, and finally get through to basic run down, either they don’t believe me, or they think I don’t need therapy because I have dealt with enough of it to be able to talk about it. There is a questionnaire for ACES that anyone can take- Google it. Where most adults may have a score of 1 or 2, I am sad to say that I scored a whopping 6 on 10. To help you understand what that means, adults with an ACES score of 7 or more stand a 360% increased chance of heart attack after reaching the age 40. Looking at this research has made me realize that I still have some work to do, digging at the garden of my heart, forgiving people and letting them go.

This is not easy work.

Even after all this time, it makes me want to go to bed and never wake up.

How much more will it affect you, sis, who may not even be aware?

I am determined to be completely healed by God. This post is going to share with you my plan.

1)      In addition to researching ACES as much as I can, I also ordered some workbooks that are designed to help people with trauma in their past move forward and forgive. I also downloaded some free worksheets about trauma-focused cognitive behaviour therapy. (I have used CBT for many years to help alleviate depression and anxiety, as well as help me process awkward situations where I don’t understand my feelings.)

2)      Every night, I sit down and do 1-2 exercises from these books. This is followed by a brief but rigorous workout- I’ll tell you why. When I sit down and start to access those bad memories, I get angry and sometimes I cry. But my heart rate starts to go up, except I’m not physically doing anything useful to make that a good thing. When after, I can run on the treadmill or jump around, or lift weights, I am forcing my body to use the negative energy I just generated until its spent. It doesn’t take long.

3)      I shower and then I am gentle with myself. I read the Bible or listen to worship music. I might talk to my husband about something that I still can’t seem to let go of. I might spend this time in prayer. I make sure I give this enough time, because I don’t want to go to bed upset.

4)      I go to bed. I sleep, thank God. No pills, no nightmares so far. Just good, healthy sleep.

5)      Waking up has been different. When I wake up now, I feel the weight of trauma right away. It feels like a hangover that hasn’t cleared. There is nothing pleasant about it. I can see it on my face. Morning prayer focuses on asking God to renew my mind, create in me a clean heart, and give me fresh mercy and grace to get through. So far, I am able to shake this feeling by mid-morning. What was interesting was the first morning I woke up and thought, whoa, I haven’t felt like this for a long time. I remembered a Billie Holliday song, Good morning heart-ache.

6)      The last and best part- I am doing all of this in preparation for healing. I already know who I can go to for prayer for the healing of these specific matters. I am rushing to do this work so that when I am finally in that atmosphere and hands are laid, I will walk away a brand new, whole person. Sis! I am expecting this. I am waiting for it. It may take many trips to the altar. It may just take one. No matter, I am leaning into it and thrusting my full weight at God.

You might be reading this and saying, wow, she’s strong or wow, she’s crazy… what if God doesn’t do it? I can’t emphasize this enough! He will! If He didn’t, I would not have already received all that He has done for me thus far. If you met me, you’d think wow, what a lovely lady, not OMG, that’s one crazy fractured soul! Here is where I place my warning to everyone: high functioning people, that is to say, people who are strong and take adversity in their stride and are generally resilient, those people need healing too. They need time to heal and people to support them while they are healing and they need prayer! The temptation we have is to say that they are okay, they always pull through, but these are people who often need encouragement but don’t get it. In fact, they are often the ones who are giving it to others.

Can I ask you for a couple of things?

1)      Pray with me. And for me.

2)      Stay with me. When I get my clean bill of health, with a stamp that says God did it, we will celebrate.

Thanks for letting me share this today.

This is the fourth part of a series responding to an article that went viral about why millennials don’t attend church and what the church can do to solve this. Part 3 dealt with the argument that the church does not do enough for the poor.

            When I look back over my life and the things I’ve done, I have always had a deep intrinsic sense of where I was needed. For many years, I worked with underprivileged children. Then I moved my efforts to working with adolescents, particularly those at risk for dropping out and getting into trouble. All of that work was tiring but deeply rewarding. I was happy to see kids turn into teens who grew and would be thriving young adults.

            That’s when I noticed things going awry. Some of my kids who graduated happy and hopeful were coming back to me to say the world isn’t what you promised it would be. To be clear, I never promised them a rose garden. I tried to impress on them the need to work hard, especially in those first few years, and volunteer and learn as much as possible while pursuing higher education.

            The low motivation was not due to lack of success; by all appearances, grades were low but stable, and could grow into actualized potential. But their hearts were broken faster than I anticipated, and ONE THING, whatever that thing would be, seemed to be the loose Jenga block that brought down the tower.

            Millennials were not hatched. They were born into a changing world, and they are the result of a lot of the fears of older generations coupled with the challenges of a new world.

             I knew that God wanted me to mentor young adults, but it is easier to eat a cactus than get involved with this. I say this as someone who is rooting for your generation: you drive me crazy, not in a good way. There is a reason why your relationships are in such discord, but many of you don’t have the humility to admit that not everything is perfect and indeed, you need help. So I gingerly stepped out, bracing myself to be burned, and started to work with my not so little ones to get them back on track. It didn’t take long for me to figure out the root of their issues. Finding a way to convey that message was much harder, first to say and second, for them to hear.

            I am currently mentoring young adults in person and online. I am helping them exercise and in some case develop social skills. I am helping them understand their behavior in a cognitive way, teaching coping strategies that fight depression, anxiety and impulsivity. It is the hardest work I have ever done and not been paid for. Many times, I walk away with my hands up! Of course, they don’t know this- it wouldn’t help. But I am talking about it today because you need to know your generation is not easy to deal with.

            You would think mentoring would help me deal with millenials in my day to day life. No way! Millennials in the workplace are my number one gripe. We think differently, and I don’t always want to accommodate all of your ways. There are times when we both need to step out of the comfortable way of receiving and just do what needs to be done.

            You better believe that viral post on why your people are leaving church burned me up. Again, you want so much and are not thinking of what you have to be willing to give. So I am skipping ahead a little to answer the section titled, we want to be mentored, not preached at. Some points:

1)    You need good preaching! And when I say that, I don’t mean that good always means you like it and it makes you feel good. You need the venue of church to teach you, encourage you and applaud you when you hold on to the Biblical principles that have endured through time. The Bible is always relevant. If you took the time to read it, you might realize that, but then again, the Bible is not a search engine that will just give you what you need to know in140 characters or less. Good preaching cuts your soul. It makes you reckon with your love of God and the state of your life. It inspires and motivates. I believe that God wants us to prosper, but I don’t believe that you need to hear that every week. You do need a church and a pastor who can do the sometimes dirty work of holding up a mirror and showing you what you look like on the inside.

2)    You have to be willing to listen and try stuff out. The mentees who I have been successful in helping show 100% buy in. They trust that I am not wasting their time, and that I have no intention or ulterior motive to cause them pain or rejection. Once that’s established, if they lean into the strategies and report back accurate data, we can usually find strategies that are effective. When I have uncommitted mentees who don’t do the homework, I let them go with love and hope that they find someone they can share their life with. Because that’s the essence of this relationship: it’s sharing life. It is a little more one-sided, but it also is building a beautiful friendship. For the moment, I don’t mentor people I don’t like. This isn’t my full-time job and that’s tiring on a whole new level.

3)    Mentoring is not parenting, and often millennials mistake a mentor as a new person to take out their anger and frustration on. We are not here to be educated by you. I know all of your politically correct rhetoric, and I am going to love you anyway. I won’t give into your manipulative tactics, but I also won’t beg you to let me help you. This ties into another need that was brought up in that article, the need to be valued. You will be valued once you have done something that requires acknowledgement. You have me kicking myself for every undeserved participation award I ever made or gave away. It’s not enough to just show up. That’s why your life isn’t moving.

4)    You have to be honest. Your generation loves to analyze data- well try applying that to your life. Be honest and be willing to first accept the data for what it is and next, to consider multiple perspectives in how to proceed. The hard part is that there are no magical solutions. There are no apps, no shakes, no 21 day fixes. The tools and methods that I offer are super old school and not sexy at all. This can be frustrating to young people who are used to getting everything when they want. What I am doing is offering strategies on how to develop spiritual disciplines in your life and that will help you cope with whatever life throws your way. We deal with crises carefully, triage and bandage you, and love you until you’re ready to get going again. I’m not even getting paid for this- I gain nothing except knowing that I am doing what God created me to do, which is awesome!

            Not everyone is meant to mentor, especially to this particular age group, It’s harder than dealing with other groups of people. I find that socially, there are similarities between single women who are 30 plus and millennials when it comes to connecting to people. And so that explains this blog- a non-threatening way for someone to ask questions, peruse answers, and think about how we can live for Christ victoriously in such strange, difficult times.

            I know that you want good mentorship from your church. You have to understand that systems take time to change, and dealing with the perculiarities of the millennial generation will take time for people to get used to. Take for example, tough love. If someone gives you tough love and you don’t feel like receiving it, you will become a victim and claim that you are being preached at. But sometimes, the right amount of pressure and tough love snaps you out of your comfort zone long enough to try something new, so it works. Because your generation tends to give up easily, you won’t be willing to stick it through with that mentor, or worse yet you’ll add it to your ever-growing list of triggers and assign blame to the church for damaging your self-esteem. You can’t be surprised that people are not breaking down the door trying to mentor you. If you want to be mentored, show yourself to be teachable. It will go a long way towards helping your life walk and will help clear your eyes so you can see what God wants from you.

This is the third part of a series responding to an article that went viral about why millennials don’t attend church and what the church can do to solve this. Part 2 dealt with the argument that they need less mission statements and more opportunities for action.

            The third reason offered as to why our young people are leaving church involves church not doing  nearly enough to help the poor. The suggestion on how to solve this is to stop creating more Bible studies and Christian activities and create more opportunities for service.

            This is the second time I am hearing that you want to serve people in your community, and I think this is great! My concern is that you might end up serving in superficial insignificant ways that pacify your guilt into thinking that you’ve done your part, checked it off the list, and for today, you deserve to drink your Starbucks.

I know you’re annoyed that I keep ragging you on Starbucks consumption. I’m not really sorry. Starbucks was notorious from its beginning for its designer coffee prices.  I know you’re passionate about drinking GOOD coffee. But while you’re spending five to six bucks every time, you can’t convince me that you have a heart for the poor. Those two things go against each other.

            There are many examples of things in society just like this where our actions are not in accord with our societal values. The author of that snarky article wanted to blame the church for not doing enough, in his not so humble tone. So I am going to tackle this issue with you, my sister, in mind.

Let me make my argument explicit: if people who come to Christ genuinely experience His transforming love when they accept Him in their hearts, then they will feel compassionate for those in society who lack, and will be moved to authentic actions.

            Several things hinder this process and create less than effective service. Some people are of the mind that the church ought to set up service to the community for all to participate without giving permission to opt out. I have SUCH issues with that. If you do not choose what you will do to serve, the act has no meaning. Many churches believe that if you start the volunteering options, then you will hook people into activity based volunteer work and they will make friends, thus making them want to keep coming to church. This was also a suggestion from the article, that when activity based programming is available, millennials will actually talk to each other. If you could only see how I am rolling my eyes. If we follow this model, what makes volunteering with church any different than working at the YMCA?

            At the risk of being unpopular, here’s what I think: it is the church’s responsibility to teach people how to actually live according to Biblical principles and then help them to actualize that. People who were nodding with me at the beginning of that sentence might be clicking on a new tab because of the end of the sentence. Hear me out. The problem I encounter the most with young people is beyond the salvation prayer, they are not being supported in building a lasting relationship with Christ that runs deep. That support sometimes literally means helping them break habits, and change old patterns of thinking through new-fashioned mentoring.

            There are tons of great resources out there that can help, but the truth of it remains; resources and tools will not take away the pain and pressure of life. You have to go through it, usually on your own. By the time you are in a situation that begins to grind you down to paste, I would hope that you have made some friends in church who are mature Christians, so that you can have people rooting and praying for you. I hope that you would know more than 3 Keys for Financial Prosperity, or whatever alliteration forced catch phrase is being pushed. This isn’t an attack on thematic messages, or using alliteration in your sermons. This is a cry in the wilderness that young people need more than a few shallow lessons before taking off the training wheels.

            We don’t need more meaningless Bible study. We needthematic sermons on a weekly basis that come from the pastor, who leads the church in line with the vision he has (smackdown: read part 2- oh yes I did!). Then on top of that, we need to be able to delve into deeper, more instructional/practical Christian living principles in small group. Then on top of that, we need to have friends- not a bunch, just a few- who have been Christians for a long time, who might be older and have some wisdom to offer for the road of experience they have walked. Those friends are the ones we can confide it about our situations and receive comfort and authentic support.

            All of this before we even get around to talking about the poor! In fact, I don’t think I can give that topic its due respect attached to this, because that’s a whole other story. I will say this: a huge part of the Christian life is to take the focus off of your problems by giving it over to God and trusting Him to work it out while you, literally, give to others your time, money and gifts to build them up. These two things work together- if all you can think about is your situation, my feeling is that you are in crisis and need help to get readjusted. Then, you keep living your hard life and serving others. When you do these things faithfully, one day you find yourself looking up and your life’s storm has passed.  Historically, the church’s mandate has always included supplying the needs of those who live in poverty. I can’t think of one church I know that does not have a missions program. Whether that program meets the goals you think it should might be one of the criteria you look for when you are considering joining a church.

            As Christians, regardless of if we attend church or not, we need to do better in the department of virtue signaling. I wish the guy who wrote that article could read the tone of it from a different perspective- love Jesus and stop worrying about the size of the splinters in the eyes of others.

I won’t stay on this too much longer, but part 4 comes next week!

This is the second part of a series responding to an article that went viral about why millennials don’t attend church and what the church can do to solve this. Part 1 dealt with the argument that they need to have their voices heard.

2. You don’t want to be bogged down with values and mission statements. Keep religious jargon out of the conversation, and instead let’s talk about action and service.

 I think I’d like to start by reminding you that institution of the church has been around for a very long time. Having recently devoted six months to studying the church’s development since the death of Christ, I am happy to share with you that you are but a blip in a very long timeline. Your issues are not new; most have been wrestled with before, with different variables.  So rest assured, you are echoing a problem that has existed before you were even conceived. When it comes to big nuts, they don’t crack as easily.

I think the saying goes like this, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” If there’s one thing that we can agree on is that any time Western civilization has gone all or nothing, greater problems arise.

I want to start with a look at business. You must know by now that successful businesses have mission statements, a document that points to what the goals and outcomes of the company are. Non-profit organizations have mission statements, to clarify who they serve and what their function is. When a group of people show up demanding services and funding, the organization can point their mission and show that these are the values we established our work on, and this is what guides our resources.

Look to the Bible for examples. God chose leaders, who instructed the people what to do, and cared for their concerns as a community. The New Testament is ripe with examples of issues arising out of church that Paul and the other apostles are asked to speak to and provide guidance for.

And you want to do away with the business of church, love?

Human beings are well intentioned and often flawed when it comes to creating organizations. We need leaders and followers. We have learned that things work better when we have laws and rules. Every group has to establish norms of what acceptable participation looks like, so that people know what is expected of them. And we have seen the benefit to having essential agreements in keeping high standards at all levels of organization.

You may be tired of hearing this language, but it was developed for your generation. It derives from the experience of group work where one person had to carry the workload of others, or conversely, one person did not do all what s/he was required to. You told us that wasn’t fair, and we agreed. We needed fair ways to talk about how we were going to handle out of line behavior. So in wanting to do away with all of this in church, but keep those systems in our work and personal realms, how do you think things will run if no consideration is given to it? Paul’s answer is that we are all parts of a larger body. We are designed to fulfill different needs in service to the larger body. That does mean your church, but it also expands to mean your community, city, country and world.

Service and action without a clear understanding of the mission and overarching goals are meaningless. It results in frustration when people work hard towards what they perceive is good, but do not receive feedback or confirmation that their efforts are beneficial. Stay with me- the next point is juicy. Different churches have different missions. If people are going to trust their spiritual welfare to a church, they deserve to know about the organization’s history, demographic and what kinds of services they are proficient in.  And indeed, this is how you will know you’ve found the right church for you.

What qualifies as service is almost a different post. I understand that your generation is passionate about making a difference, however, I observe that there are varying degrees to which they commit to action. There are some who see a crisis and drop what they are doing to go and help out at ground zero. Some who organize financial and resource drives to provide for those in need. There are some who give regularly through volunteering at local events, or through recurrent financial support. And then there are others.

Others who take action by changing their profile frame on Facebook.  Others who commit themselves to fighting for a cause by disagreeing with people online in comment wars. Others who put time and energy into “outing” and “shaming” people that are wrong.  Sadly, this is also not a new thing. What many people in your generation attribute to action is really re-action.  It’s small things that they can do that satisfy the conscience and allow them to go back to their own consumer-driven life.

To meet your needs, there are churches that are already creating a spectrum of service. They have lighter duties, like ushering and heavier duties, like setting up. There are duties associated with the function of church services and activities. Then there are spiritual duties- figuring out how to support individuals and families in their Christian walk. There are duties that arise out of crises within the church community. There are also those who are called to minister to the leadership and pastors. As a member, there are various tasks that you can sign up for and others you might be invited to assist with.

In this sense, service is not really action. Action involves doing something outside the function of the organization. Action requires time, money and sacrifice to benefit a cause or individuals who are facing suffering of some sort. But because you are already resistant to hearing about the mission and values, you are also susceptible to being confused about what your church considers meaningful action.

Here is my point: can you stop thinking about yourself? Long enough to know and understand what you are trying to be a part of? Can you not see that your dismissive attitude shows that you don’t value the purpose of action: which is to take the focus off of you, and give to others? The truth is we all need personal ministry. We all have things in our lives that need to be renewed by God. But the idea behind action is that when you give of yourself towards benefitting others, you are occupied and blessed. If everyone took care of each other with this in mind, the idea is that our community will be strong and that our commitment to each other’s success and welfare will be increased. If you skip right to the action, without laying the intent and prayerfully including the spiritual dimension, the same results won’t be yielded. Then church action is no different than that of the local optimist club.

I recognize this all millennials are not like this, but the tone of the article was so familiar, because while your generation is very good at pointing out the behavior of others, they are not so good at self-examination, or reflecting on their own actions. Everyone looks to point out the church’s fault in (fill in the blank), but you don’t realize that if a solution is going to be found, you need to be part of finding that solution, and you need to have vested interest. You can’t point out my flaws and tell me to fix it, then when you come back, see it hasn’t met your expectation so off you go again. This is the larger issue- you are so used to customizing everything in your world, when confronted with systems that will not allow for your particular desires, your response is to attack and blame someone.

What if, instead, we gave ourselves over to God and really took the comparison of the body of Christ into consideration? To be part of the body, you have to willingly make the decision to put aside your SELF, your comforts, your likes, your dislikes, and enter into, sacrificially, a larger body of believers, for the communal benefits of corporate fellowship. You retain your freedom. You retain your individuality. But it stops being the focus, as we join in agreement that God is the one we are here to worship. Well?

Quite by accident, I found myself watching the movie War Room. When it came out in 2015, I had many people tell me how it was a must-see.  I heard:

“It’s so inspiring and truthful!”

“I’m going to go make a war room now.”

“It reminded me of you.”

So once I finally saw what they were talking about, I was disappointed and a little frustrated. Sis, please tell me you don’t think of me as that old lady.

What a stereotypical and trite storyline, lacking in authenticity and strategy. She didn’t TEACH the main character to pray. An opportunity to really sow seeds for the love of prayer was lost, thanks to Hollywood.  I think back to the people who told me they loved it and I wondered about their spiritual welfare. I guess its because if I had to write a story about how prayer changes lives I have many real life instances to call on. I remember asking my husband if he knew where my war room was, and he described the place that he often finds me keeled over in the early morning hours, sometimes groaning (sometimes sleeping!) when he gets up to get ready.

The Christians who put out this movie are so disconnected from reality. They had an opportunity to create something that was really moving, and they settled for less. An article is circulating about why millenials are not attending church, and if offers solutions for what needs to change in order to make ourselves attractive. To me, that article represents the other end of an extreme. While one is making movies about old black ladies praying and sputtering catch phrases in an accent, the other is politely telling me how to take all of the history of the development of the church since Acts Chapter 2, and shove it.

While I am the first to say I am not a pastor, I do feel qualified to speak to this. Part of the reason I started this blog was to provide answers about why I do what I do in living for Christ, and model how to do it while giving the person who asked space to think about what I’m saying, review it, and then decide if it’s worth trying out. I can tell you that many of the sisters who read this blog and communicate with me are millennials. I also have a healthy 30 plus crew would recognize my word play and cultural tropes, so they identify with the topics and issues that I deal with.  I am currently in seminary and just finished my church history courses. Given my goal and my background knowledge, I want to address some of the things mentioned in the article.

(I’m not going to link to it either. I did visit the author’s blog, and it’s good, but I’m not looking to start up a relationship or refute his arguments. More than anything, I want to give some perspective from an older person who has a goal that includes helping young Christians, millennial or not, learn to walk the walk and talk the talk in our day and age, living within the culture that we are entrenched in.  You, my dear sister, are who I have in mind while writing this post today.)

1. You want to be heard.

The argument being that you are underrepresented in the church, and need outlets for your voice to be heard. You want young pastors, who understand how to speak to your generation and who want to connect.

            There is only good news to report here. Are you aware that your generation is “heard” more than any other has ever been? Not just that, we have been listening to you since you were kids. We were the ones who gave you the language and encouraged you to tell us how you feel, and what you think would help. I am old enough to remember this and because of that, when I hear this come up, I am tempted to tune you out.

            The question is what is the goal of making your voice heard? Is it to bombard me with your thoughts and feelings long and hard enough that perhaps I will stop having my own thoughts and feelings and just subscribe to what you’re telling me? You can have your voice, but I can have mine too. I can listen to you, appreciate you, love you for being who God made you, and still disagree with you. Telling me that you want your voice heard does not mean that we stop and do what you want. I will still listen to you! Of course I want to. But I’m going to be honest here- your generation doesn’t ever think of what the response to their voice will be other than complete acceptance and submission.

            Let me go one further. Look at the behavior of your peers when they don’t get what they think they want. Again, we taught them while they were growing that it’s not okay to hit. What this looks like today is instead of hitting, people scream words as though they were weapons. They are using violence and intimidation with words, not weapons. I don’t know why anyone thinks that it’s acceptable to behave like this. I watch young ladies discipline their children and stop those behaviors, but you only need to go as far as your local protest to see ridiculous tactics in use because those young people don’t feel like their voices are being heard. Now- breathe. I am not attacking you. I am giving you valid examples. Consider that and see why maybe people older than me might not want to put you on the church board.

            Being on the board, by the way, is more than just having a voice.  It requires that you demonstate commitment to the church and community you serve. It requires a sober approach to living for Christ. Indeed, we are all human and things happen, but those who steer the direction of the church need to be able to get back up and keep going. If you want your voice to be heard, you also have to show that you are a safe person who has the members of the church in mind.

            Additionally I can say that I am seeing more middle age couples opening up churches everywhere. There is something to be said for having life experience. It is hard to steer and mentor people when you don’t have the knowledge base to support it. However, seminaries are full of young people who are passionate for Christ and just can’t wait to have a church full of peers and young ones to love on.

            Can I offer a suggestion?

Drill down to why you think your voice is not heard, and what that makes you afraid of.

It will be different for each of us, depending on what our church situation is. Is it that you are afraid of being taken advantage of? Is there one person in the leadership that you feel that you can talk to, and instead of using this voice nonsense, just say, “I want to be active at church, but I am afraid that (fill in the blank)?”  If you can find the reason why you feel unheard, it will give you more information about why you are reacting the way you are. Instead of finger pointing, try to do some introspective work about you (your work habits, your social interactions, what makes you tick). As someone who is slightly older, who raised you to use your words and make sure that you let people know how you feel, I want you to know that choosing the right words, and having the wisdom to know when not to speak is far more powerful than making everyone listen to you process how you want things to go. The more you can do that processing internally, the better your relationships will be. Think of it as writing your rough drafts inside and presenting only polished work. Of course there will be people and times when you let it all hang out, but just because it’s 2017, doesn’t mean we lose all sense of professionalism. There is reward in being able to be put together, and by that I mean your communication skills, not your clothes. Because ultimately Sis, I want you to live a happy, victorious life, and be part of a fellowship of believers who can enrich your walk with God. 

Over the weekend, one of my Facebook friends from high school (translate: I don’t know her that well) suddenly, out of nowhere it seems, got married. My feed went from bland to bling when it was taken over by bridesmaid and guest photos of the big event. It was enough clickbait to win me- I actually checked her page.  There was no lead up, no pics from the rehearsal dinner, no record of being engaged in her profile deets. It really came out of nowhere to us, her out of touch friends. I was happy for her! Many people were and liked her photos to prove it. In the process, I noticed a comment from a closer friend of mine. “Wow! Congratulations!”

Because you don’t know her, you probably think that means she is happy for the bride.  It wasn’t but 20 minutes later that the same friend called me sobbing. “Can you believe that SHE got married?”

What I haven’t told you is what I know about the bride. And I’m not proud to write this, but it’s everything my friend would soon complain about. This bride was not the cleanest person we know. Her body odor was notorious back then (I assume it’s changed). She was not a pretty girl. She didn’t really have friends but adored people from afar. I remember being nice to her, but definitely she was not part of my regular circle of friends.  These are the things that we worry about most when we are going through the awkwardness of adolescence. We certainly can’t hold adults responsible for their physical changes during youth.

But with this bride…. Little has changed. God forgive me. Photo evidence shows that she is still not a pretty girl, although she has started to wear makeup and jewelry occasionally.  In her tagged group photos, she is still on the end, melting into the background. Even in her wedding photos, she is bent over and cringing with discomfort because she is so rarely the center of attention. Let me be the first to say, what do I know? I could be wrong. She was the one who added me as a friend, and even then, I sighed and gave in. She never misses my birthday and sends me friendly, familiar greetings. She’s nice!  I really am happy that she found someone to love and be loved by. My friend? Not so much.

Not only did she list all the reasons why the bride was not worthy, but she went on to comment about how she doesn’t deserve any of the beautiful details of the wedding, including the handsome groom. ( And just to show that I am indeed human, I did remark to myself that the groom is very handsome and outshines her in every photo. I know that’s not nice. It’s human and I didn’t say anything to anyone about it- but I was thinking it too.) The rant ended with, “I can’t believe she’s married and I’m not.”

I am sure there are some people who would attack my friend at this moment for being selfish and conceited. People who would point their finger at her nasty snide remarks and justify that this is indeed why she is single and the bride married. I don’t agree with my friend trashing the bride based on our scarce knowledge of her adult life. But in this moment, my heart was full of compassion.

It’s hard to watch other people get married and not let it affect your self-esteem.  It doesn’t matter how many times you hear it or read it, but I’m going to echo it again: Your worth as a woman is not determined by whether or not you become a bride.

I know someone is furious reading that, knowing that I am married. I walked down the aisle at 33, incredulous to the last moment that it was actually happening, because I have been disappointed so many times leading up to it. I prayed that once I got married, I would never forget the struggle of love and hate I had with myself as a single woman, especially as I got older. I remember watching how my friends changed once they became Mrs. It was like they had crossed an abyss and could no longer relate to my single joy or pain. I do not want to be that woman.

Having said that, now that I have walked it, I can say that it’s terrible that we still attach our self-worth to whether or not someone has decided to marry us.  It is indeed a source of pride, to be married and happy (knowing that within the course of that relationship, it may not always be the best) but it does not make me any more worthy than I was before. Unlike the bride I mentioned, I can hazard a guess that most people did not see me as a single woman and think that I was defective. I’m not above average, but I grew up knowing I was a pretty girl. I had friends and enjoyed high school. I had boyfriends- not always good ones, but more than two. More than that, as a young adult, I was social and outgoing. I loved Jesus and my church, despite its flaws. To the observer, I spent a lot of time with friends enjoying my life and not waiting for a man in order to live.

But on another level, I WAS waiting. Inside, where no one else is allowed, I was getting sick from hope deferred that maybe I would never get to live, because maybe no one would ever marry me. I was waiting to buy proper dishes and furniture. I was waiting to start having a moisturizing routine (I know that sounds crazy, but what do I care about wrinkles unless someone special is there to keep myself up for?) I was waiting to go on vacation- because while my single girl travels brought me expansion and perspective, I always felt lonely on trips. I was waiting for children (Note: I am still waiting for children! Marriage does not equal immediate pregnancy!). I was waiting for respect from my mother. I knew she wouldn’t respect me until someone decided to put on a ring on it because it was one of the only things she had that I didn’t, and sadly, that’s who she is. It shouldn’t have mattered to her, but it did.

And now to hear my pretty, smart, educated (2 degrees!), witty, loving Christian girlfriend melting down that Ugly Betty got married before her, it broke my heart afresh for my single friends. The bride’s gain is not your loss.  Not every wedding will affect you the same way. Some will be fine, but others will cause you a similar grief, because somehow the value and worth that you give to the bride is resonating with the longing inside of you that cries out, “But God, when?”

I want to assure you that He hears your heart’s cry and has the answer. God is unchanging; I urge you to boldly read His Word and rediscover His characteristics to reassure your troubled heart. Courage, my love. God gave you that desire, it is healthy and real, and painful at times when it is not fulfilled. But He also given you grace and the Holy Spirit to help you manage until that time comes. Being married will not give you healthy confidence if you never had it on your own. If anything, marriage puts pressure on the person you are in order to bring out who you might become. There will be things that you won’t have until your partner comes into your life, but weigh those things carefully, because some of them could easily be had today and enrich your life (I mean dishes or travel. Children? A little more complicated).  And above all, take your heart to God, for regular renewing and repair. Tell Him everything, even the nasty thoughts that you would never say out loud. Ask Him to remove those things from your heart and to give you hope. He is your first love. He is your ultimate husband. Let Him carry you.

Plenty of Catfish- Online Romance & the Digital Tattoo

News and talk shows are ripe with stories about people who have been catfished- unsuspecting citizens duped by scammers, emotional blackmailers and others with ill-intent. Most of the time, the exploit is financial, but there are also many who fall into emotionally charged relationships only to find out that they have fallen for someone who is not real. My heart breaks for particularly the older men and women who eagerly send money to Nigeria and miss out on all the grammatical errors and deep accents, in hopes that they will somehow comfort and aid a person who is nothing more than an idea. In a way, it is a second exploitation to see them understand that this person does not exist. On the other hand, it’s a story that has to be shared as a cautionary tale of what our global village is capable of.

 And you, dear sis, have seen every episode and don’t think this can happen to you. You weren’t born yesterday, with your pre-Google privilege. Scammed? Never. But unlike the older generation, do you see how mainstream culture is trying to change the catfish narrative so that you will be more accepting of it? For the longest time, MTV ran a reality show aimed at teenagers where young adult catfish were “caught” on air, and had a chance to “explain” why they lied about their identity. The narrative often was outrage at the moment of discovery, revelation of weakness and insecurity on behalf of the catfish, sometimes remorse and then (wait for it!) friendship between the adored and the inferior. So maybe you will avoid this happening to you, but look at how the world is training your little sisters to respond to lies.

LIES. We are wading through a sea of lies in search of something true.  

Online romance is a game at best. Many friends of mine found their husbands online- I thank God for creating an opportunity to connect people who might not have met under typical circumstances. Conversely, I have many more friends who have been burned and shipwrecked by online encounters. I am young enough that I was in the single scene when speed-dating and dating platforms were emerging. And believe me I did it all- speed dating, group date cooking night, creating profile after profile for websites, scanning profile after profile for a dream that had no form. It gets tedious and depressing. It breeds competition with ghosts of girlfriends past- how can you win when you don’t know what you’re up against? And soon, websites began to offer options like “casual encounters” and “hookups”. The development of mobile apps made it easier to swipe left and flip through carefully crafted promises of what makes ME worthy of love and commitment or physical connection. Everything seems to be moving faster. That’s ironic when building a committed relationship requires quality time to know and be known by the other.

If you think of it as a game, online dating doesn’t hurt your feelings as much. Even as a type that, I wince. What you present if it is really you most likely will be too honest and not generate as many responses. Your potential mate is locked up in an algorithm, and you need to crack the code to get him to pop up. Now it’s more of a challenge to meet rather than a truth to pursue.

I can’t tell you whether or not online dating is for you- but what I can talk about it honesty and integrity. Honesty, real true genuine unapologetic morning-after-the-wedding honesty, is hard to find. Even after being in relationship with my husband for years, there were still a few shockers waiting for me once we said “I do”. We are people who are raised, not hatched. To be in relationship involvesrecognizing how we operated in our family of origin, and how it affects our partner, and making intentional decisions of how we as a new unit will handle things together. That may sound mechanical. It is to an extent. But emotions are like landmines, attached to things that you can’t begin to imagine until you’ve found it. When people say relationships are work, this is what they mean. We are only aware of 20% of the baggage we move into our romantic relationships (I made up that figure, but you know what I mean). In light of that, the careful postering of online profiles, and text communication allows one the option of subverting a lot of nastiness and only showing the parts of his/her personality that are winning and charming.

Integrity is doing what’s right when no one is watching. It’s also a thermometer of where you are in your relationship with God at any given time. There are times when we all fall short of what we know we should do, but the closer I am walking to God, the less likely I am to make bad decisions. The internet provides distance and anonymity; both sear our consciences so that we don’t feel as attached to our actions. In the same way I explained how texting and email are not authentic communication, I add to it that in our online lives are often uninhibited and can promote bad behaviour. What am I talking about? Sexting and cybersex. Online flirtation with people who are in committed relationships. Aggressive language/violent fantasies through interactive gaming and joining in “comment wars”. Virtue signalling (that is, aggressively pointing out the flaws of others so that no one will suspect or accuse you of whatever the left declares war on). Exchanging lewd photos. Receiving profit, financial or otherwise, for such behaviour. I could go on. Whatever your defense, you must admit that we never think it’s going to go further. Sending a flirty email is very different than meeting up with someone’s husband for sexual contact… and yet, it’s a slippery slope. Mainstream culture is making it easier and easier to slide down that slope and not feel guilty- strike that, not feel anything. Take a deep breath and let that sink in.

Your online life is a digital tattoo. Even if you can clear the cache and hide the history, the truth of your actions will come up once you are in a committed relationship. I don’t want that to loom over your head, so let me also say, that’s okay as long as you are prepared to disclose and deal with the fall out. There will be fall out- some of it you can anticipate, but not all of it. If you don’t handle it honestly, these things may threaten to end your relationship. Explaining that you once had a one night stand is very different from pictures surfacing from a cam show you did when you were feeling unloved. The internet is not forgiving. It does not forget. People collect all kinds of things. The younger you start your online life, the more stuff you have to keep clearing out.

By contrast, God does forgive. He puts your sins as far away from you as the East is to the West. You don’t have to tell everyone everything you’ve done- once you have repented and handled it with Him, that old you is gone. But there are consequences sometimes of that old life that won’t die as easily, and the internet is a breeding ground for this. Additionally, your commitment to your spouse is at a higher degree as such requires more disclosure on your part about who you have been. This has to be navigated through with care (and hopefully, help from your pastor, depending on what has happened).

Because I know that communication is a huge problem for many, let me say too that I am not advocating brutal honesty. Remember the person that is in relationship with you, cares about you and may very well think of you as their future spouse. As God’s girls, we take everything to Him and allow Him to lead us on how to navigate through these things. You want to be delicate, respectful and authentic. Really pray about when is the right time to disclose these things. It’s a very different world we live in than the one of our parents. I really want to encourage Christian women’s groups to tackle some of these things, because so many people are walking around with all kinds of stuff on their heads and hearts and they can’t receive God’s good word until they let go of the burdens within.

Say something. I dare you.

Four Ways Porn Will Ruin Sex For You

You might already know this information, but with the rapid proliferation of online pornography, more women are fighting an addiction to it than we realize. God can heal you from anything- He can break every chain of addiction, but the apostle Paul meant it when he said that sexual sin is particularly sticky because it defiles the body (1 Corinthians 6:18). There is also good reason that God asked us to abstain from sexual activity before marriage. I can speak more personally to that than the porn issue- it really can lead to problems with sex, intimacy and bonding once you get married. So let's roll up our sleeves and get started! 

1  It sets up unrealistic expectations about the act as well as the bodies performing the act. It's literally UNREAL. 

Women who struggle with a porn addiction sometimes don't realize that through viewing, they are literally absorbing the ideas that are being presented. It is natural and human to be simulated by watching this, but you are also teaching your body what to respond to. Over time, you start to work out your preferences- not just for men, but for women too. Some people prefer to watch women with whom they share certain traits. Others go for someone who is their ideal body type, leading to greater insecurity in the way they see themselves. When it comes to men, the focus is always on size- and we forget that there is light and shadow, camera angles and prosthetics that contribute to this ridiculous ideal. A real live man is not going to look like what you see in porn. Even if he does, your mind is already making a comparison to all the images you've taken in, thus taking you out of the intimate moment you’re supposed to be partaking in. And as it is with most sin, the temptation rarely lives up to the experience. Porn dulls your sensations so that when you engage sexually, the experience is less than the grandeur of the one you exposed yourself to. 

2. It writes a series of fantasies in your heart that will become increasingly complicated until you find yourself going further and further from your sexual identity. 

The mind houses our creativity, and the heart houses our desires. We have genuine, good desires of the heart and others that are deceitful ( Jeremiah 17:9). The secular world acknowledges that there is darkness in our hearts too; a place where we revel in evil. It's related to original sin. This too is why we are encouraged in the Bible to guard our hearts (Prov. 4:23), put on the full armour of God (Eph. 6:11-18) and regularly give ourselves over to God so He can transform our minds and renew us (Romans 12:2). Fantasy allows the mind to take images and sensations to help create a dream that isn't reality, for the purpose of removing you from the present circumstance.

Porn removes the restrictions of reality and creates circumstances and contexts that range from unusual to abnormal. Our society does everything it can to try and normalize even the strangest fetishes, but increasingly the lines are blurred and behaviour that was once unacceptable and abhorrent is being embraced.

Many of you will react to my language as judgemental- I'm okay with that. Above all, Jesus loves you and wants to be in relationship with you. If you want to walk close to Him, you're going to have to engage is conversations with Him about this stuff- I’m only here to get you thinking.

Fantasies of all sorts are readily available in the world of online porn. As you spend time consuming this content, what turned you on will get boring and you will find yourself clicking on things you would not have before this addiction took root. Because so much of this is based in fantasy, you will be disappointed by real, live sex. Society has decided in order to accommodate this problem, we should create communities and safe spaces where people are free to live our their fantasies. Society also promotes these strange behaviours through mainstream culture- movies, television, music- so that it will be more palletable and we will relate to the characters. A perfect example of this is 50 Shades of Grey. The phenomenon that broke out after the release of novel set, author E.L. James was catapulted into success, and what was fringe (BDSM) became coffee talk. 

I have the right to do everything, but not everything is constructive, said the apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 10:23). You have to choose what is right for you, however, appetites and addictions fight you to choose in their favour. 

3. Porn promotes disassociation.

 I learned how to disconnect my mind from my body in elementary school when I realized that I didn't have to learn. I felt great power in deciding not to be present. Although my body was still in class, my mind was somewhere else. I now had a coping mechanism to help me deal with all kinds of upsetting situations (so long as I could keep up with the lesson!). I was quietly slipping away in Sunday school one day when my teacher had a prophetic moment, and began to talk about how dangerous it was to be present but mentally elsewhere. I felt conviction and I even understood the danger he spoke of- he was right. Fantasy was a swirling whirlpool that threatened not only to take me far from shore but to pull me under and stifle my Christianity. I knew that word was for me, and it took time to unlearn the behaviour. Be patient, sis. God cleans you up, but it takes time to break off the habits because it's what our flesh is accustomed to. He is faithful to complete the work He has begun in your life. 

One of the effects of consuming porn is when you are supposed to be engaged with your partner, your mind wanders back to what it is accustomed to consuming (those images and videos) and takes you out of the present. I was once asked if I think I'd be attracted only to my husband for the rest of my life. At the time I was single, and could not construct a realistic idea of what my husband would be like, but I understood the point that was being made. Other men would be attractive to me, but my commitment should keep my focus on who I married. Enter temptation, in full force! Sis can I tell you what I realized? Sometimes it really is okay to flee from evil. There's a reason Joseph ran from Potiphar's wife. The longer you look at something-anything- that you can't have, the more corruption is pouring into your heart. When you love and respect your partner, you will learn to keep your eyes on theirs, and this will help. 

4. It desensitizes you and makes it harder to engage in healthy sexual practice. Picture a delicious ice cream sundae in front of you and your beloved husband. He hands you a spoon and both take a bite. His reaction: he closes his eyes, smacks his lips together and says mmm before digging in for more. In your mouth, you sense the creaminess, but there is no sugar. In disbelief you go back for more, only to find out ice cream is not sweet on your tongue. 

As a diabetic, I will never forget that once my blood sugar was regulated, I found out how glorious an orange can be. My palette had become some accustomed to refined sugar that nature's candy, an orange, was pulpy and tasteless to me. Around 2 p.m. every day, I am allowed to have some fruit, usually an orange. That burst of sweetness was so good, I remember stopping to look at the fruit as I ate it. I came to love everything about a good orange- the smell as you peel it, the fresh soft skin that covers each section and finally that burst of fruity fibrous joy! I only had to become diabetic to appreciate it! So it goes with sex. Nothing is worse than watching your husband love you and enjoy the moment and you can't turn off the images in your mind or be present with him. 

5. It throws off the balance of a natural appetite.

Yes- humans need sexual contact. But God also outlines a context for engaging in the practice. People in other situations have to figure it out with His guidance, but it needs to be said, you can live your life without sex. You will not die. Society loves to tell us what we have a right to demand, but sex you can live without it. When you are finally married, you will be grateful for having waited. I wish I had. 

Be careful what you expose yourself to, both online and in the media. We always say you are what you eat and the same principle is true- you are what you watch, what you listen to, what you consume. Choose wisely. Spend time cultivating real life friendships with men and women. Spend time together that no one has to witness, click on or like. And let the focus of your time be for His glory. There is plenty of time for everything else! Make time to get to know God better now, and He will take care of your tomorrow. 

Ew. Do you really want to comment? (I kid.)

In many ways, digital life has evolved to make communication more comfortable, enabling greater laziness on our part. With the introduction of social media, I never have to answer the question "how are you?" again. I am able to choose what aspects of my life I want to share with my list of friends, which isn't as exclusive as I'd like it to be. I mean, how many of your friends are really your friends? There's a great deal of stigma attached to rejecting friend requests from people you know, even if you don't know them well. 

My main goal today is to share with you that texting is negatively impacting the way that we communicate. If I remember correctly, I know what kind of relationship you want to be in, and texting won't get you there. This is not to say I am against the practice. I text many times in a day. Let's also look at how texting makes life better.

Social media allows me to decide what details from my life I want to share- be it a life event, like having a baby, or showing a picture of a great meal I made. It also allows me to passively absorb the details of the lives of my listed friends. My newsfeed is a long scroll that I can peruse at my leisure and learn about the happenings for my friends. I can purposefully look up friends and do a closer inspection of their lives... After all, if they didn't want me to see it, it wouldn't be posted. And then there's lurking- not attempting to make contact with anyone, but looking and learning as much as you can, just to know people's business. Most social media also allows you to search for people you don't know personally- and depending on the controls of their privacy setting, you can get used to seeing them as though they are,part of your life. For this reason we love celebrity profiles. 

Texting can be done by using apps on our cell phones, tablets and computers. It's an extension of chat programs whereby you can send a message to anyone who has a phone. It allows you to type text (words), icons, pictures, video and or sound bites... But most often we use it for words. You can attach a read receipt to your message- that means once the person opens it, you will be notified. This is important because while texts are coming in, the conversation can lag depending on if the other person is on their phone or chooses to respond. 

Choice- so much of our digital life has to do with choices. You can text someone, and they get to choose when to text you back. There are some people who constantly have their phones on them, ready to respond to incoming messages. Others check their phone periodically throughout the day. And then there are those who we are so unable to reach we don't know why they bother having phones at all. 

Texting allows you to construct your response and carefully choose your words. In conversation, you speak and have access to tools like intonation and phrasing, eye contact and body language. Texting allows you to push pause and think through what the other person may say if you say this, or that, or that. It's still communication but it is faulty- in real life, you don't have a chance to do all of this posturing between responses. 

Texting also allows you to not respond at all. Someone may be desperate to communicate with you but if you don't respond, there is nothing s/he can do, but look increasingly crazy as they text you a flurry of messages expressing his/her frustration. It allows us to stand up people on a whole new level- movies tonight? Wait, wait, wait... Two days later, he texts me back about how he thought he had responded but oops. Sorry. Sorry over texting is really not sorry. True repentance needs to be done in person. In keeping with timing, it is hard to know what is going on  in the life of the person who is texting you while they are texting you. Just like phone conversations, you depend on the speaker to tell you where s/he is and with whom. What am I getting at? A man may text you frequently, but because it's a silent activity, he could be in a relationship with someone else and while she plays Angry Birds, he is starting something up with you. Text messages are great for sweet, affectionate messages...but the words lack meaning if the actions and actual face to face verbal exchange do not match the texts. How often does this person make him/herself available to you for face-to-face communication? 

I once was talking to a guy platonically, and when we met in person I asked him if he got my text. He opened up his phone and scrolled to look for it, not realizing I could see the screen. Finally he opened a text from someone named ffgghh and I saw my message. "What's my name?" I asked with genuine curiosity. He was embarrassed and said that because his girlfriend was crazy, he had to hide texts from other women. While that might have been true, I was filled with distrust for this man- very well he could be setting himself up to have an undetectable relationship with me. And if this was his response, who is to say there wasn't more shady stuff in that phone under contacts with jumbled nicknames? If you are dating someone, make sure that you see him in person, in public, most of the time. If he texts you day and night and only wants to see you at your place, or one night a month clear across town, I hate to say it, but that is suspicious behaviour. 

Problem solving over text messages does not teach you how to work out your issues. It provides a stage for you to plead your case and redirect you case after the other person has had the chance to defend him or herself. You begin to formulate your response before the other person has had their say. And then, when you meet in person and have problems, you don't even realize that you aren't listening, you are just waiting for that person to stop talking so you can strike again. Disagreeing with someone isn't about winning- I am increasingly disturbed by the method people today are resorting to in order to have the last word. We know how to imply that the other is a bigot or prejudiced enough so that they back down and we "win".

This is not real communication. This kind of arguing doesn't achieve or accomplish anything. This kind of relating fosters an environment for strife and divorce. This really isn't what you want but you're learning it sister, every day there is more osmosis and we absorb the world's way of handling things. 

Text messaging allows us to pretend that our words are not creating an emotional reaction in the other person. It is easier for us to be brutal and selfish when we don't have to see the effect of our words. In all relationships, there are unspoken truths that  stay that way because to speak them would cause irreparable damage to the other person and the relationship. But we are being groomed on a daily basis on how to use that sabre and fence the other into submission. It's ruining relationships all over... Don't let this be you. 

As a society, we continue to move towards instantaneous communication- and this is not realistic to living and being in relationship with another person. We wish we could text God and that He'd text us back, but He knows the value of the dark night of the soul. 

Texting helps us immensely. First and foremost, it's a way to ensure that our friends and loved ones are safe, in the event of accidents or tragedies. It helps us avoid confusion- if we both pick up milk, we will be wasteful. It's a non-intrusive way to send someone a greeting- they may not want to talk a lot because of what they are going through, but you can still communicate your support. It's also cheaper than a phone call for international communication. This can keep us close to the ones we love.

Gos's desire for us is to live in a face-to-face relationship with Him and others. By all means, use social media, but understand the limitations. You need to have disputes and disagreements with people in person so that you learn how to handle your relationships. My biggest concern are the little ones who don't know what it means to make someone cry. What kind of partners will they be when the time comes? 

Overall, language is losing its power... We are desensitized that all we react to now are politically correct charged statements that attack the character of others. The more you use text and email to communicate, the further you are moving yourself from the social skills that are an intricate part of your intelligent design. Do me a favour and talk to someone today! 

I am hesitant to write about selfies, but I feel it's the next natural thing. A selfie is literally a picture you take of yourself, usually with a mobile device. I have read articles that compare portraiture as the first selfies, but I would argue that as long as the picture or representation is taken by someone else, be it a painter, sculptor or photographer- the fact that it has been filtered by someone else makes it art and not selfie. 

The selfie is about vanity. It involves the subject using the reflective aspect of cameras today to manipulate the angles of the face and body, twisting and turning just so, to create a photo that the subject finds pleasing. I remember when my parents learned about selfies, they would take photos of themselves unsmiling, staring at the camera as though it were not actually on. Instead of taking photos to make their faces look smaller, or filtered to have less wrinkles, they took an authentic snapshot of what they really looked like. This is not a real selfie. I'm going to go out there on a limb and argue that a selfie is a published photo. Regardless of what you take on your own, if it's only for you to know what you look like, I feel like that's equivalent to looking in the mirror. The act of publishing the photo and allowing others to participate in validating the beauty that was in the eye of the beholder by opting to 'like' it is what makes a selfie a selfie. 

I have watched how selfie culture has refined itself in past years. Eventually apps began to develop multiple filters so that more stylistic elements could be added to the photo. Selfies have choice locations- bathrooms and in cars are among the most popular. Somehow we all know what a duck face is- sucking in your cheeks so that your face looks slimmer and your pouty lips are more pronounced. I have read many articles that shame selfies and others that defend the practice. 

I'm torn because I have from time to time, appreciated a good selfie. When I see someone I know looking good and enjoying the face God gave them, I probably will press that like button. And having been a photographer, I appreciate an opportunity to be in a photo, and also be the one to take the perfect shot. But there is certainly a dark side to online photography and the way one's life is presented. Take for example Instagram, a photo sharing site. On a healthy person's IG, I would expect to find pictures that show me life from this individual's point of view of the world. If all I see are heavily manipulated self images, I start to wonder what is going on there. 

If I can boil my objection down to a point, it would be about what is motivating us to share what we share, and whether or not we recognize the distance between what we see online and reality. 

I know people who take great selfies and in real life, they look very different. Reality adds pounds, scars, wrinkles and uneven skin tone. I know people who know that they are pretty, and after using the online tools come out looking amazing- and then they can't stop posting selfies and looking at themselves. But beauty is skin deep and only for a time- I start to question who this girl would be without her pretty face?There is an episode of South Park where all the girls walk around with photoshopped images of themselves that they show to the boys. The boys then marvel at how pretty their girlfriends are, never once acknowledging the actual girl standing in front of them. 

Then there's the phenomenon of LIKES, and getting people, your followers, to like your photos. Whether you want it to or not, you will find yourself checking to see how many and who has liked your selfie. Already there are people who have attached their entire self worth to how many likes and followers they have. 

You might not be on the extreme end of any of these cultural complications, but I wouldn't be a good sister if I didn't point out what is at the root of this- desire. We want to know that we are attractive and desirable to other human beings, partly because society ascribes power to beautiful people. Make no mistake, desire is like salt- small doses can add flavour, but too much and it literally begins to destroy your insides. Our world is rife with young women and girls who are so hungry to be desired, they no longer care who is pushing the like button, as long as it gets pushed. The acceptance of selfie culture promotes our inherent seductive behaviour that has always been part of us, but is dormant until awakened. Of course our culture is over saturated with sexual imagery that dictates to women how to behave, but I believe because of our original sin nature, seductive desire that was meant to be awakened in your married life is now being bent towards self-satisfaction in the pursuit of desire. When I see graphic selfies, I am sad because the subject is sacrificing her self-worth in order to gain more desirability. In the end, desire is annihilated by satisfaction, but when there is no satisfaction to be had, when it disappears down a rabbit hole of disconnection and people without faces consuming you, all it does is breed deeper, darker desires. Think about that for a moment and let the Holy Spirit bring to mind revelation on this. 

The scripture verse I want to quote is Acts 17:28, "for in Him, we live and move and have our being." Our identities and our very lives are in Christ. He lives through us and loves people through us! If who we are is truly rooted in him, then our confidence comes from who he is, reflected in us. Therefore we should set our hearts on the goal of being more like Him, and look to the Word to reinforce our confidence and value to Him. God says we are the apple of His eye. We are precious jewels. We are his bride. Don't let this be just words to you... When you embrace these words as truth and you set your heart on knowing Him and hosting His presence, you will have self-esteem in the fullness of its definition. 

God sees you every minute of every day. He sees you clothed and naked, with morning bed head and during your work day. He sees your heart, and there are no filters for your heart; He sees the good, the bad and the ugly. And regardless of if it is your finest moment or not, He loves you the same. When you come to understand that He can never love you any less, that He is crazy about you and wants to be in relationship with you and that even at your worst, He still desires only you, then you won't need to post selfies to validate yourself. You might still throw one up there because you happened to walk into the perfect breeze, but your selfie will say "today, I caught a glimpse of myself the way God sees me all the time! Aren't I pretty?" When you adjust that mentality, you won't be pandering to likes or followers, and you won't fall on the slippery slope of desire. The focus will not be to seduce, but to celebrate that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And! Your feed won't be full of posed photos... You might start to capture what you look like when you're doing something you enjoy, or you're with people you love. Maybe you won't care to show yourself at all, you'll focus on capturing moments that God uses to woo you (nature, little things that remind you of times in your life when He was with you... That kind of stuff). 

A lot of the points made in this series will repeat so here goes nothing- live a real life. Defy the endless online keeping up with the Jones' and go outside. Talk to real people and connect. Spend time in prayer. Virtual life is designed to distract you from what is really important- life. 

Over the next few weeks, I want to go into some of the issues concerning our digital lives. For the sake of my less contemporary sisters, I’m going to go into to this topic slowly, so if you don’t think of yourself as tech-savvy, this is the perfect place for you to start.

There was a world before Google, but every day lands me further away from what that world was like. The initial days of the Internet were shrouded in anonymity and most people approached it cautiously. Static pages were available for free, encouraging people to publish all kinds of useful (and useless) information. Then came chat. In high school, I failed business keyboarding (also called typing). Within weeks of discovering Internet Relay Chat, I could type quickly and efficiently, albeit by my own rules. The desire to communicate was so strong, I found a way to memorize the keyboard and make typing work for me.

The Internet was a place for fun and adventure. I could be anyone and no one, I could share as much or as little as I wanted to, I could invent new identities and lives. One of the most noticeable changes between then and now is that now there is no difference between our online lives and our realities. Real life has merged with virtual life, and together, create an online version of your real life. Except, it’s not entirely real. It’s edited. Controlled. It allows us to carefully construct our identities in a way where people see what we want them to see. In a future post, we will talk more about identity, but today I want to focus on how communication has changed.

Young people who have never known a world offline are on a strange bridge. On one hand, they are smart and savvy, not easily fooled and critical thinkers. On the other, they have problems maintaining personal relationships and connecting to other human beings. It is easier for some people to share intimate details with strangers online than to talk face to face with loved ones. Online friends and forums offer support, but cannot substitute what real life relationships provide. We tend to communicate easily through text messages and emails, allowing ourselves time to compose ourselves in the delay. Real life conversations are “live” or in “real time”, and require thinking on your feet. There is no time to think of comebacks or to dwell on words. In fact, when we have time to dwell on emails and other traces of communication, when we read and reread and reread, miscommunication surfaces. Tones and undertones emerge. We are upset and now we have PROOF.

Let me come right to the point: social skills need to be practised if they are to be developed and maintained. Increasingly, people are losing their ability to relate to each other. Increasingly, they never develop those skills at all and then are unleashed in the working world.

Communicating via text messaging and emails creates distance. This distance is confusing in light of emotions. Sometimes the words used to convey emotion border on hyperbole; other times, emotion is perceived too lightly. This is dangerous- one must always remember you are dealing with real people on the other end of the screen.

Sisters- I am praying for our introverted friends. Already these people are on the fringes and are exhausted by the thought of having to communicate and deal with people… digital life may make it easier for them to navigate through this world, but it isn’t helping them push past the comfort zone into a place of learning. I’m not suggesting that they have to be something they are not, but the risks of isolation are real for these folks.

Isolation is what the enemy wants to use to trap you. People who spend too much time alone become strange and stressed out in social situations. They may read situations wrong and then it’s easier for the mind to play tricks on them. The power of social media revolves around acceptance and rejection.

At the crux of this is rejection; we do not want to be rejected. We want to present polished versions of ourselves online, so people can see our best side. We take selfie after selfie, sometimes tilting the camera above to make our cheeks look slimmer or our chin more pronounced. We tell of all the fabulous things that are happening to us- where we are going, what we are eating, who we are with… but are we really WITH people anymore? Are we enjoying our real life relationships or just posing for group photos to make us look better to ourselves? We collect friendship in numbers and in “likes”. We are becoming expert fakes at real life, and in truth, all of these practices increase our fears that we are not worthy and will be rejected.

Stay with me- rejection comes with negative spirits. It creates trauma and hurts your soul. These negative spirits can then deposit in those hurt places and wreak havoc on our lives. They can create negative self-talk that causes you to react in a way that you wouldn’t otherwise choose to react.

In this day and age, we must look towards the Bible to reinforce our identity in Christ. I want to start this conversation with you about how digital life is impacting our walk with God. In the comments, tell me what kinds of topics you want to cover in this series and please email your questions to secretsfromursister@gmail.com . 

Sis, my whole life people have been giving me advice on how to find a man to marry. I don't know if it's because of my strong personality, or my love of school that they felt I needed to know, but every trick in the book has been passed on to this girl. I've had people tell me to make a list of desirable traits and put the list in my bible to pray on it. Less faithful suggested sleeping on tiny favour boxes of wedding cake (by morning, only crumbs would be left). I was told to not settle for the first proposal no matter what, and to accept the man who loves me more than I love him.

Once I was engaged, I heard a new set of parables from my married friends. Most of them who were happily married did not think they would have married the one they ended up with. Many had stories of extravagant love that ended in disaster before meeting Mr. Right. All agreed that the love was different than they thought it would have been, as it ripened, it grew into something more sturdy and enduring.

My pastor says be the person that you want to marry. You want someone handsome, faithful and sporty? Be that person and you will attract that person. I think there is some truth to this, if I could modify it, I would say, start again at zero. Don't esteem yourself to be all that and a bag of chips, instead be humble and ask God to help you see what things in your personality need smoothing out if not all out changing.

I think I esteemed myself too highly- but I am sure that came about after being single for a long time. I simply got used to having everything my way and doing everything for myself. I had real problems accepting help from anyone, especially men. One day I argued with one of my colleagues because he offered to bring some boxes up two flights of stairs. "Why can't you just let me help you?" He asked quietly, with a gentle look on his face. It stayed with me, they way things stay in your mind when you know you are wrong.

My platonic male friends really helped me see why I was a great girl, but a bad partner. Some of the sharp things they identified in my personality hurt my feelings to hear about, but in the end I can say God used those experiences to teach me how to respect men. We don't think about respecting men. We think more about men disrespecting us. If I asked you right now for tangible strategies to use when showing respect to man, I bet you would give me things that relate to common decency, and this is not enough! But that's another topic for another day.

Having heard every bit of advice in the book, I offer you five tidbits that have held true for me and the girls I know who are happily married. There is no formula, no magic wand to wave... All relationships are work and we have to commit to being in it for the good and bad.

Let's go:

1. Look at how he treats his mother. This is really important. Most men have a tender place in their hearts for their mothers. How that translates into action will tell you a lot about a man's heart and capacity for love. Of course there are relationships that are strained and fractured because of the blows that life has dealt, but put those aside: generally, how a man responds to his mother, how he tends to her and how he speaks to her will be echoed your relationship. Of course it's different- you and your beau have passion and romantic feelings. But remember my comment about sturdy love? Sturdy love wipes the egg off of your face and then tells you you're beautiful (although a messy eater- but with hollandaise sauce, who can blame you).

2. Listen to his use of language. Let me stay with the image of mum for a moment. Many men have wonderful things to say about their mothers. Less of them follow up those words with loving actions. There are men who are eloquent and love to talk,but their words are empty. First I look at actions, but then I start to listen to what this man's words actually say. Are they in line with what I expect a Godly man to say? When faced with crisis, is he hopeful and positive, or does he right away go to talk of defeat? When he is angry, would he risk saying something damaging in order to win a fight? The bible says that life and death lie in the power of the tongue (proverbs 18:21). You want to be with someone who speaks life to your situation no matter what is going on. You want someone who can see the reality, but speak by faith. God gave Adam the power to name all the animals- your man has power too to speak to your situations. Look for someone who is not petty and does not resort to low blows or saying things that can't be taken back. You may need to establish in arguing with each other what topics are off-limits.

3. Priorities. What comes first in this man's life? Now second... And third? Is he aware of his priorities and does he reflect on them from time to time? Does he take time to serve you before taking food for himself? I will never forget a time when I was at a wedding and some trouble broke out in the parking lot of the reception hall. I asked my brother and my husband to come with me to speak to those involved, and my brother's wife decided to come with us. As we drew nearer to the loud voices, I watched in horror as my brother hung back and gently guided his wife in front of him- towards danger. My husband abruptly stood in front of her, but I couldn't believe that I had seen my own brother do this. I want to stress to you that he is not a bad guy, but more than once I've seen him put his own needs ahead of everyone else. Sometimes, people can change but observing what he values and places high esteem on will help you determine if you can someday partner with this person.

4. Money. Sister let me tell you! I keep telling myself that this isn't important when really it is. Be real and upfront or cry later- it's up to you! It is imperative that before you get into a serious relationship with someone you find out about their financial history. You should also be forthcoming as to what kind of assets and debt you bring to the table. Attitudes towards spending, as well as guilt and shame concerning one's financial history will come out eventually, and by then you are further into debt than you anticipated because there was never any discussion on who was doing what with what funds. Sigh. I am still figuring my way through this, so let me know if you have advice to give!

5. Fun. There was a night when my future husband broke down in shame, and told me I should find someone better than him. I was shocked to find out that those words were motivated by feelings of insecurity because I was perfect. And indeed, I was (close, I think). But I realized that night that I had to remember to toss of my carefully postured girlfriend ideal and eat ribs sometimes. When I became comfortable with being silly, I noticed my husband enjoyed my delight on a whole new level. I can't speak for you, but I was raised in a world where girls like me were warned not to laugh too loud or talk too much. Always carry a purse- and remember to keep it stocked up! I may still look super put together on the outside, but it's nice for my husband to see me relax and have fun now and then.

It isn't easy to find someone. I remember signing up for eHarmony and after painstakingly filling out their huge questionnaires, they asked me if I could compromise my requests, because I literally had no matches. But who God has for you you can't rush or miss, as long as you stay tuned into the Holy Spirit, He will be your guide. Spend this time alone working on bettering yourself. In the long run, it will pay off. And please feel free to generate some discussion in the comments below.

That girl was me.

I loved him so much I was afraid to lose him. I didn’t think I was worthy, and I lived in fear that one day he would discover this and leave me. I loved him so much that he began to take the place of other things in my life. I was willing to defy my friends and family, go against their wishes, I put their needs and events on hold because HE came first. I rationalized I could make it up to them after, because I had their love and this was the love I had to work for.

An inordinate affection is an unhealthy and obsessive attachment to a person or thing that manifests through uncontrollable “love”. I’m going to deal with two biblical reference points: Colossians 3:5 and Ezekiel 23. The first is a call to make a commitment to go against our earthly nature, and lists this as sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. In the King James Version, the word that is used synonymously with evil desire and lust is “inordinate affection”. The word inordinate implies excessive, unnatural without limitation.

I was changing to meet his needs. I was accommodating his bad behaviour, and rationalizing it in my head. I didn’t see his selfishness, instead I looked for signs that lined up with I wanted to see, and that was ultimately, that I was desirable. In my mind, I never expected him to take the place of God, but it happened so quickly I didn’t even realize I had constructed an idol in my heart.

This--- is abnormal. We may be tempted to say it is acceptable, because we all have friends who drop us the moment they meet someone- but there is a point where it develops into something else. An inordinate affection promotes isolation and secrecy. People may even say to you that the way you love that person is scary. We tend to rationalize things away (i.e., no one understands) but that is a piece of feedback that could provide the clue that something is forming in your relationship that is not okay. The more you sacrifice to be with this person, to keep him happy and with you, the less honest you can be to yourself about those sacrifices. We also tend to make up excuses for bad behaviour to explain it away, or worse, we cover it up. All of this moves us further away from our families and deeper into an abyss of desire that can never be met.

Here’s the thing about desire- it is always en route, and it never arrives. The end of desire is satisfaction. The clutch of desire is that the more you want to be wanted, the more you are willing to change and give up. But this kind of desire is never satisfied, only delayed. The moment you start to relax, something happens to throw the relationship in jeopardy again. And when your end game is something so elusive, desire ends up eating and consuming you. It wins because it gets you to continue to make yourself low with the promise that your value to the beloved is increasing.

The second Biblical reference is a controversial can of worms, but I am going to go there anyway. The book of Ezekiel is a prophetic book, and contains parables and figurative language. Chapter 23 is certainly a parable, that tells the plight of two sisters (who are later defined as Samaria and Jerusalem). The sisters engage in prostitution; the older sets the example, and the younger becomes even more depraved. Although it’s clear that she saw how her sister’s actions led to her death, the younger sister is not deterred from the destructive path she is on. The judgement that is meted out for her is her “sister’s cup”, illustrating again that the punishment given to the older sister will transfer to the younger who is under her influence. This passage of scripture is not to be taken literally. When Ezekiel speaks of prostitution, he is really speaking to idolatry in the hearts of the children of God. Their infidelities so to speak are the times they wander into and appropriate the culture of surrounding people. These transgressions feel like adultery to God, their Partner. When a person or a thing takes the place of God in your heart, it has won control of you. Inordinate affections are spirits that are putting your love and adoration in the wrong place.

Have you ever known someone who grieves the loss of a short relationship as though it were something more? It could be an inordinate affection from an unresolved relationship from the past is motivating this person to feel pain and torture that are not directly related to the circumstances at hand.

All of your relationships should be tempered by your love for God. When you place Him first in your life, everything else falls into place. It is possible looking back on your past, that you realize there were relationships where you replaced him with your beloved. I want to encourage you today to pray about these situations.

STEPS TO BREAKING INORDINATE AFFECTIONS

1)      Ask God to forgive you for allowing your love for_____ (insert person or thing) to replace Him, have influence over you, and or caused you to abandon your dignity in pursuit of him or it.

2)      Say, “ In the name of Jesus, I break every inordinate affection between _____ (name) and me.”

3)      Ask the Holy Spirit to remove any emotional trauma from you.

4)      Request prayer from your pastor / church elder (as explained in the previous post)

We can’t talk about breakups without talking about soul ties. This is information that I found out about way too late- so I am praying that this gets to you on time. We’ve talked a bit about the dynamics of the break-up and how to start life again, day by day. Now we address the stumbling blocks.

I know women who got saved when they were in their early teens and didn’t date anyone before their husband. I also know women who are still waiting and haven’t ever dated. Now I’m the first to admit, when I met my husband, I regretted that my relationship firsts were not all with him- but dating is fun! Getting to know someone- fun! Breaking up, not great, but I think that’s our fault too because as a society, we have upped the ante so high that relationships that were never meant to last beyond getting to know each other now have large investments attached.

On the other hand, I know women who have always had “a boyfriend” and she still has always has a boyfriend, not a husband. I know women who have become hardened by their experiences of loss in love that they can’t allow themselves to be drawn into relationships for fear of what they will lose this time around. I know girls who can’t live without having someone, anyone, just to talk to… even if he belongs to someone else. They are driven in and out of relationships, and sometimes they don’t even know why they keep playing this game.

Soul ties are an emotional bond or connection you form with another person. Sometimes it’s with a friend, most of the time it’s with a significant other. We are created to be in relationship, with God and with others, and eventually, that special someone. God wants us to have good friends- close friends and a partner who is committed to us through a matrimonial bond. As such, we have the ability to bond on this deep level. Problems arise when we bond with people who are damaged and acting out that damage in various ways (controlling, manipulating, ill-willed, etc.) and when we leave those relationships, or try to leave anyway.

One of the fastest ways to form a soul tie is to engage in physical intimacy. Imagine wrapping an invisible, spiritual cord around every person that you expose yourself to in this vulnerable way; one loop around him, one loop around you. One loop around the neck of every guy from your past.  Imagine what happens when you try to step away, or worse yet, when you meet someone new. You, the host, will get tripped up, because all of these people are tied to you!  I know the example is used often when promoting safe sex, that when you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they have slept with. There is a spiritual impact to that as well.

Have you noticed that best friends after a while will have things in common that they are known for? They can finish each other’s sentences and have a unique communication pattern reserved for use with the other. When soul ties are good, we get relief and feel good about who we are spending time with. Consequently, we can bond with people who are damaged and looking to hurt others. Unhealthy soul ties can be created out of abandonment, co-dependency, unforgiveness and idolatry (of another person). You can be tied to a friend, a parent, a child, a relative or a significant other.

Soul ties torment the host by creating obsessive thought patterns about the broken relationship. Instead of being able to make a clean break, that invisible cord remains and nasty demonic spirits tug on those strings to wreak havoc in your life. You know this is happening when you experience some of the following:

·        Grief that is unending- time is moving on, but you are still grieving like it happened today

·        Racing thoughts of worry and concern for this person. Possibly daydreaming and rehearsing future conversations

·        Lack of mental clarity- can’t see anything outside of the relationship

·        Familiar phantom smells that remind you of this person although he is not aroundyou

·        Emotional extremes- either too emotional or completely shut down; there is no in between or perspective

·        Desire for a lover that never went away- this can ruin future marital relationships

·        Inability to have proper adult relationships, stunted growth in relationships (childishness)

A person that has given their life to God and is relationship with Him has had their spirit renewed and rejuvenated by the Holy Spirit. The spirit is housed by the soul, which contains our memories and feelings. When trauma occurs, the soul bears the impact and holds the damage. Those wounds make the person vulnerable to demonic spirits and attack through those traumatic entry points. This is where the soul tie lives. These are the things that make you stay in unhealthy relationships or return to them. These are the things that stop you from seeing your life outside of that relationship.

Sweet sister, I want you to move on with your life. I want to cut you free from these invisible cords and release you to be free to be the girl God made you to be. I want you to be able to not need him in any way now that he has stepped out of your life. I know you think he will make you happy, but this again, is a deception from the enemy.

HOW TO BREAK A SOUL TIE

1)      Understand what Jesus dying on the cross means for you. For me! For all of us. He died literally so that we could have eternal life. He ascended so that the Holy Spirit could come into our hearts and help us to live a victorious life. You can give your life to Him and choose not to heal the wounds on your soul, but He has offered to take them away (Matthew 11:28). He can do that for you if you want Him to.

2)      Pray and ask God to reveal to you what soul ties you need release from. Take notes, write it down.

3)      Ask God to forgive you for the role you played in creating or perpetuating these soul ties. Lay the relationship before Him (visualize actually doing this). Pray "In the name of Jesus, I break every soul tie between [Person's Name} and myself. By the blood of Jesus I am made whole and am free of this relationship." You may not feel anything, but your words are powerful as a child of God. Have faith that the soul tie is broken.

4)    If you can and you feel comfortable, have your pastor or a church leader that you trust pray with you. We can pray for ourselves, but your pastor has a special anointing on his or her life and when s/he prays for you, things change. Remember that s/he is responsible for your spiritual well-being before God.

5)Fill the void that has been left by this person with the things of God. Play worship music. Read the Bible. Spend time with friends who will uplift you. Time really does heal all wounds. 

Ever had an experience with a soul-tie? Comment below!

Post break-up, I scoured the Internet for help. Lots of websites promised that I could get him to come back if I only bought their e-book. Others tried to trick me into getting on with my life, and make myself better so he would want me back, only by then I wouldn’t care. There were sites full of love spells and potions to buy that would make him come back. And if I didn’t want magic on my own hands, there seemed to be an array of people who were willing to do magic on my behalf for a nominal fee. Thinking back, what a dangerous thing to expose people to when they are at their weakest point and so very vulnerable.

Reddit and similar interactive forums were ripe with stories of heartbreak that made my own wounds seem like scratches. I was so sad for the people who wrote those tragedies. It made me feel better about myself and worse at the same time. Was there no justice in love? How could people openly ruin the lives of others they pledged to love with all their hearts? Won’t someone think of the children?! I combed through these forums, looking for something to give me hope. Instead, my heart hurt for the world.

So from all of my research, I present to you 5 things that will help you survive this time of not knowing what to do. I hope you don’t need it, but we all know someone who just can’t seem to get started on getting back up again. Please pass this along.

1)    No contact… no kidding. It is imperative that you stay away from your ex. If he wants to contact you, he knows how but brace yourself- it’s rare that he would get in touch because he regrets breaking up. He may regret not having you in his life. He may regret not having you to engage with intimately. He might feel bad about the way it ended. But most likely, he’s not calling you to mend the relationship. Instead, he wants to be comforted and have his needs met. You must not accept this.

No contact also sets the right mindset for you… it is no longer an option to stay in a place where you might be a possibility. You deserve to be more than an option.  Too many times we allow ourselves leave the door open a crack just in case things change, or if we can’t find anyone. You have to stop thinking this way. You will be okay one way or another, and if that thought sends you into further disarray, you might have some traumatic issues bigger than the break-up that need to be dealt with.

No contact hurts. But the mental torment of sending an email or a text, of reaching out and now having to wait to see IF that person will meet you halfway… it’s not worth it. You are giving him the power to keep you in limbo. You are giving away your peace of mind. Stop it.

Find a really good friend and tell her everything. When you are tempted to reach out to him, reach out to her instead. And if you can’t find a friend, please send me an email and let me be that friend for you (secretsfromursister@gmail.com). Good friends hold you up when you can’t do better for yourself. They care for you and they pray for you.  I know it’s hard to find good friends, but believe me, this is what keeps you sane when you’re about to crack. And if you can be that friend- be that friend! You never know when you will be the one in need of someone to lean hard into.

2)    Put away everything that reminds you of him. I admit, I could not do this all at once, so if you need to go in phases, I understand. And if you’re hardcore like that, do it! Put everything in a bag or a box and either throw it away or put it at the back of a closet, far from access.  Photos. Cards. Ticket stubs. Sweaters. Oh Lord, get rid of the sweaters. I remember sleeping with that guy’s sweater until it started to go thin in places. You’re holding onto death. You have to let it go.

It’s okay to be mad at me for saying this! Close the screen and walk away from me. I don’t want you to die, and I’m going to remind you that every time you pick up that article of clothing, or that scrapbook, or that cat- you are bonding with deception. He is not there in those objects. He is not the same person who wrote you those things. He is not the person who posed in the pictures. You were tied to this person, most likely physically and anything that holds weight in the physical world holds weight in the spiritual realm too. You are cutting away a part of yourself- it is bound to hurt, but it will make your spirit better and you will be better for it in the long run. Make it easier by putting things that remind you of him away.

Now some of you have children with this man. That is a whole other story. You cannot put the children away. They are not death, but a constant reminder of why you need to move on- because they deserve the best chance at the best in life, whatever you are able to provide. In fact, you may need to be in contact if kids are in the picture. I think I will handle that in another post. (In a similar tone of caution- please don’t punish your mutual pets for the pain you are feeling. Please keep that cat- you are all it has known of love, and it does not deserve to lose you too.)

3)    Stop stalking the man on social media. In fact, we need to talk about your internet usage and what kinds of things you expose yourself to while you are hurting. If you were friends on social media, please delete (yes that means unfriend) and block that man. You are not friends anymore- you can’t be friends with this person until you are so over them, and even then, it’s not a good idea. Thank God that social media now knows that we don’t appreciate waking up and seeing our newsfeeds chocked full of his relational bliss with someone else. You might also consider putting your mutual friends on a restricted list, so that you won’t be tempted to post things hoping that they will communicate with him on your behalf. Hello, I said no contact. This keeps you honest and real. This is you, trusting God and the process. This is you, creating a life preserver to hang onto.

Don’t Google search his name; don’t look up his address on Google maps to see if any cars are in the driveway that you don’t recognize. It’s not your business anymore and these are ways that we torture ourselves. If you have the misfortune of knowing who he is with after you, please leave her alone. It’s easy to be angry with her for pain that he caused you. She has nothing to do with it. I know you think it will all be better if she would just go away- I want to assure you that if it isn’t her, it would be someone else. The man did not want to be with you anymore. He behaved in a way that did not honour or respect you. Or he respectfully declined, and you have to accept that he has the right to choose.

I am asking a lot of you. Most likely, you will not be able to do this cold turkey, but the same way I got tired of holding onto all of this pain while he was free to go live his life, you will eventually realize this is causing you more harm than help. Don’t believe me? One day you wake up and realize that he has moved and you feel panic. Or you find a news story with a picture, and not only do you not recognize anyone in it besides him, but he’s also wearing a ring. You will feel betrayed all over again. In a way, following an ex online feels like control- you still get to see him, even if you can’t interact with him. But digital life is live. As he moves on, it will too and eventually, it will trickle into your feed of online activity. You need to focus on you instead of wasting time on him. I know how hard this is and I'm encouraging you to keep reading this post over and over again. It will save you for further pain in the long run. 

4)    Practice controlled crying. With grief, we have moments when it’s overwhelming and we cry. This is normal and natural- by all means, express the emotion so it can come out of your system. But do me a favour- stop and check the time when your emotional outpouring starts. It might sounds foolish, but when you stop to check the time, you are making a decision to act ABOVE the way you feel. This sets the tone that yes, you are emotional and you will give it time and space, but it is controllable. Try to notice the time when it’s over as well. This is less important, unless you find yourself inconsolable; in that case I would say set a timer and try to contain your emotions in the allotted time. Who does this stuff, right? I promise this will work. You are teaching yourself self-regulation. You are giving yourself permission to grieve, but not to let grief control you. You are acknowledging your emotions but keeping them in check. This works for school-aged children too, when they are throwing tantrums that seem unending. If it helps, set a timer with a reasonable limit, and try to stay within that time.

The buzzword we use nowadays is self-regulation. When we are hurt, we want to be wild and subject to our emotions, but the healthy way to handle pain is learning strategies that help you prevail despite your feelings. Feel free to look that one up.

5)    Don’t do anything you will regret- physically and spiritually. Eventually you will want to cut your hair- wait for the grief to subside. If you’ve been grieving for a long time, maybe it’s time to cut that hair. Now is not the time for tattoos and piercings. Please do not get a new tattoo or piercing to represent the relationship- I know a lot of people do that thinking it will bring “closure” to the experience. All you are doing is creating an indelible mark that will tie you spiritually to the situation forever. Our physical actions have spiritual consequences; all you are doing is writing in neon paint on your spirit that TOMMY WAS HERE. Now all of the negative spirits that know Tommy hang around your soul and make you feel worse. 

Resist the urge to curse your ex. You will have to give account for your words one day, and God forbid that something you say reverses on you. I know, you’re in pain. But I also know that you’re an adult, and you don’t get to keep lashing out just because you’re hurt. When you are with your good friend, you are safe to discuss the relationship and speak freely. Beyond that, try not to speak of this person in a bad way. It’s a little thing that goes a long way.

You will not get your ex back. Do not pay people on the Internet who are promising you that they can do that. I am writing this because I know what it’s like to be so low and desperate that love spells, potions and casters sound good. This will never have good returns. There is a very real enemy out there who hates all human beings, because you are created unique and loved by God. You cannot control the spiritual consequences of these actions, and this is why when you are vulnerable, interaction with the occult can hurt you more than you are aware of. You might do something and see a small result- for example, let’s say you repeat a spell and your ex calls. This is not your ex coming back to you, this is just a phone call, motivated by a spirit.  So now you start to dabble further, because you are desperate and you want the pain to end and for the relationship to be restored. And! You are starting to entertain thoughts that maybe this is working.  Somethings work, others don’t; but now you’ve found a way to prolong your pain and give you false hope. Before you know it, you’re trying to find ways to pay big bucks for spell casters to work on your behalf. All the while, you are incurring damage on a spiritual level- damage that you can’t see, so it’s easy to forget that it is there.

Would it really make you happy to get your ex back… even if it’s against his will? Is it worth it to have him respond to you like a robot, because that was what you paid for? I once heard a story of a woman who did something to her husband’s food every day to keep him coming back to her. One day, she forgot to do it, and the man looked at her with brand new eyes. Incredulous, he demanded to know who she was. Is that the kind of love you want? I don’t think so.

We want to be loved and cherished, but we also want to be chosen. When someone asks you to marry them, it is because they choose you above all others. They make a decision to choose you every day. They choose you even when times are hard, and you disagree. True love is fueled by forgiveness and continuous choice. Your ex is your ex for a reason and even if down the road you end up together in a healthy relationship, it will only happen once you have been through this process and can see yourself clearly again.

 Next week’s post will be about not being able to let go, inordinate affections and soulties. In the meantime, I welcome your comments below! 

This series is one that you I hope you send your girlfriends, regardless of what they believe. We all know that sister who really doesn’t think she’s ever going to get over him. If you think this is the balm in Gilead she needs, please please, copy the link and send it.

I have been devastated. A woman, who lost everything. I have sat with ashes on my head, and torn my garments to shreds; an Old Testament style of mourning. I know what it’s like to think I can’t possibly move from this place. And I never asked to be here. Because there are things in life that will break your heart, and then there are things that threaten to break your very sense of self.

There are some people who fall into good relationships so easily. That seemed to be everyone but me. It was the deepest longing of my heart, and as such I did everything I could to keep secret how badly I wanted to be loved and cherished by someone. Yes, there was abuse in my childhood. No, I didn’t think it affected me. Although I was loved by my parents, I never had a healthy understanding of what love should look like. They never spoke of a future where I would one day be in relationship with another person. With my schoolyard friends, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a boyfriend, to be liked by someone, but even then I felt it was for someone else and not me.

Once I was older and my social circle was established, it only seemed natural that I would be with someone, but it secretly led to such angst, I sabotaged every opportunity. I pined for emotionally unavailable boys because I knew there was no chance I would ever have to deal with them. On one hand, I wasn’t sure I could bring anything much to someone else’s life. On the other hand, I was determined not to settle for less than what I thought I deserved. Looking back, I now can see that I relied on friends to tell me who was worthy. And once we were there, past the initial awkwardness of early dating, I would tell myself that I had to make sure this worked because everyone esteemed this man to be the best, and I was flawed, not him. In short, there was no love.

But then I found love. The real kind that makes the air smell better and takes away your appetite. The kind that gives you a permasmile and makes you pinch yourself to make sure it isn’t a dream. And in spite of my worst fears, it lasted! Days! Weeks! Months. A year. Two years. Yes, it was good. Consistently good, no real roller coasters or threats to separate. I began to believe in ever after. I heard words that promised forever. I began to believe that ever after was for me. It was a new feeling, but I figured I had earned it with all of the bad stuff I had been through.

Nothing can prepare you for the crash of your significant other leaving. It sends your system into shock, the kind that needs to be treated. I made myself sick with worry and the question why. I was determined to fix it. I didn’t understand that he was already in another place, with another person. I felt like I was lying flat on my face, the rug having been pulled out from under me. I was humiliated and would be every time that I had to answer to my friends and family where he was, and why we would not be getting married. I wanted to demonize him and have people jump on my side and defend me, but I knew that he was well loved and accepted in my social circles so at first I kept quiet. No one came to my defense, and it felt like additional betrayal. I began to open my mouth and give voice to the nasty. But never to his face because part of me was sure he would be back eventually!

Inside, I was broken. I felt rejected, and this was made worse by the fact that he already had someone else lined up to take my place. I made her an object of hate. I compared myself to her and came out on top every time, except he chose her and not me. I wanted him to pick me up and put me back together again. I didn’t realize that he was really gone from my life, and I kept waiting for him to call. I would stare at the phone and will it to ring. Oh girl. Those were some days I can never get back.  My soul, my spirit, longed to be reconciled to him. I made a whole new set of vows to God of what I would do differently, if only He would fix this. I refused to see that this other person had a will of his own, and that his choice was not me.

When that started to sink in, bitterness consumed me. How dare he walk and live and breathe on the same planet as me? I began to wish for horrible things to happen to him. Hatred begat hatred inside of me. I began to hate God too. How could God be trusted to do anything for my benefit if He couldn’t fix this one thing for me? And later, when it happened again to me, how could I trust a God who had seen what happened to me before and landed me back here? Don’t even. I said nasty things about him whenever I had an audience. I followed him on social media, even when he tried to block me. When I saw pics of his new life and success, I seethed and cried and forced myself to look at them again and again. It never helped and yet I couldn’t tear myself away.

When that phone call finally came, I spoke in cautious tones. I was thrilled to finally hear his voice again. Then I realized he was calling to tell me that he was married now. The rug was pulled once more. I had to find a way to get back up again, and it couldn’t be the same as before, because living with all of that hurt was killing me. It made my spirit sick. I was not myself.

Are you at the end of that hurt yet? Have you held it in for so long that you don’t know who you are apart from it? I have a friend from high school who decided that if she couldn’t marry her sweetheart, she would not marry and here we are 18 years later, still carrying a torch, fueled by grief. He married a girl who could have been her identical twin. Her heart is cold to everyone and everything. She does not hope for anything anymore. Are you making this kind of vow, to never get over this monumental event?

I want to tell you that God sees your pain. It is real, and it hurts Him too. There is a way through this, but no one can help you get there until you have had enough of the grief. I remember the people who commented that my grief had gone on for too long. They didn’t understand where I was in my process. If you are still too fresh in your grief, I wish you the best and encourage you to find comfort in bereavement materials. That’s right. Go to the bookstore and find books on grief and the grieving process. Although he lives, you have to mourn the loss of your expectations and disappointment. Don’t let anyone tell you that your grief is not comparable to death - they don’t know you, and I don’t want you to lose as much time as I did.

Having said that- I am willing to admit to you now that I have lost at least 3 years in my late 20s to deep grief. I didn’t think that I would continue to live, it was so bad at times. The only thing that brought me comfort were resources meant for widows. I promised that one day, I would share what actually worked for me and here it is.

Nothing will ever bring that time back! I shed so many tears, some unnecessarily. I was determined to hold on to that pain for as long as I could, because I thought that the best had passed me and now all I could expect was to cling to memories of how I had once been loved. I did not entertain thoughts that anyone- including God- could ever love me again. My grief didn’t have to go on as long as it did, but I chose it.

Today I want to encourage you to let that old relationship go. Purpose that in your heart, and I will share with you the things that helped me get through. It’s a good thing that you don’t know me, sis! You would wonder if this story is really mine.  I host such happiness and joy in my daily life, there is no trace of this despair I once knew. I am known for my smile and my open heart. I couldn’t be this person if God had not healed me from that broken engagement. I wouldn’t be this person if I had not allowed Him in. Check in with me as we go through this series on heartbreak and disappointment.

Break the silence! Tell me about your breakup below in the comments. 

         To close off this initial series about committing your life to Christ, I want to encourage you to be baptized by water and by the Holy Spirit. Chances are, you’ve heard about at least one of these practices before.  I basically want to go through the reasons why we practice baptism and what the goals are.

         Baptism is first and foremost a physical action that I believe has an effect in the spiritual realm. In the physical world, you are standing before your church family, your friends and hopefully your own family, and making a public declaration that you intend to live your life as a Christian.  I believe that you can be saved without being baptized, but to keep growing in your spiritual walk, it is an important step to take. Some people accept Christ in adverse and extenuating circumstances (for example, on a deathbed). God is gracious and will save them anyway. This can be seen in the example of the thief who died beside Jesus on the cross. In Luke, chapter 23, verse 39 to 43, Jesus promises to take the repentant thief to paradise.

         Ideally, as you grow in your Christian life,  you will want to be obedient and follow the example that Christ set. DO note that I support baptism as an act that follows Jesus’ example, not as a ritual of the church.  If God himself in flesh needed to be baptized, then we should definitely follow his lead. Again, I believe that the act of baptism spiritually helps to empower you to live for Christ.

         Being immersed in water is symbolic of being washed and cleansed. You enter the water to make a declaration that you are now living for Christ, and through His transforming power, are becoming a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). What is accomplished in the physical realm has a spiritual implication that you are renewed, rejuvenated, and ready to go to the next level.

         Usually before getting baptized, you meet with the Pastor and talk about your salvation experience. S/he will explain to you some of the things mentioned above. At the time of your baptism, you might be asked to speak and share what God has done in your life, or the pastor may speak on your behalf.  Usually, you close your eyes, a short prayer is said and then you are pulled into the water backwards and brought back up. These are celebratory moments for family and friends.

         I am afraid of water. The idea of being dunked really scared me, but if you’ve read the other posts on this site, I have already told the tale of how I was baptized. Because the experience was not authentically selected by me, I sometimes wish that I had the chance to do it all over again. I believe that God knows my heart and accepted it. I am always happy to see new people step up and make this declaration! As a mature Christian, I encourage you to keep attending baptism services and pray for the people who are taking that step. They will need support and spiritual guidance from that point for times when the going gets rough.

         Not every church believes in baptism of the Holy Spirit, but I do.  And because I am not a theologian, may God give me the grace to explain this! I believe that being a Christian means living an empowered life, that is, that the Holy Spirit actually lives inside us when we make the decision to accept Christ. That Holy Spirit is what changes us from who we were before, into who we are when Christ is leading our lives. He gives us patience and peace in the midst of a storm. As we do things to strengthen His presence in our life, like reading the Bible, praying, being in fellowship with other Christians and going to church, He gets stronger and is able to be a voice of reason, a gut instinct and give instruction on how to live. If believers interact with the Holy Spirit as a person, as part of the Holy Trinity, I believe that the Holy Spirit will speak back and give them the ability to live differently. And I think that this transformation happens at different times in our Christian walk. It may happen right at the moment of salvation. It might happen years down the road. To each his/her own.

         I grew up in a church where it was expected that believers who were baptized in the Holy Spirit would speak in tongues. We would go to really long prayer meetings, and I would hear people who knew how to speak in tongues uttering their heavenly babble. I questioned the validity of this practice, and no matter how I willed it, the gift of tongues never materialized for me. I felt guilty, like I wasn’t a good enough Christian. I felt rejected by God, somehow inferior. I sometimes thought to memorize someone else’s heavenly language and pass it off on my own.

         The Holy Spirit was still active in my life, because I cultivated a relationship with Him. If not for this, I might have given up on the faith a long time ago. In 2005, in the privacy of my bedroom, I was fervently praying for God to change some things in my life. Somewhere in that time, my mind disconnected from mouth- meaning I stopped thinking about what I was saying, and was altogether thinking something else- and when I listened to what I was praying, it wasn’t English anymore!

         The problem was, the moment I started listening, it stopped and I could not get it started again.  Now I speak in tongues easily, but back then it was a real challenge. I knew I could access it, but it took real faith to hear myself speak out loud and not attack it for not being a proper language. This was my experience.

         I do not think that everyone gets the gift of tongues, but I do believe that everyone can have access to the transforming power of the Holy Spirit. I don’t want to get into specifics beyond my own experience, but I want to encourage you to read these scriptures and do some research on what most people say. And most importantly, I want you to talk to your Pastor! Find out what your church’s beliefs are on how the Holy Spirit fits into the overall picture of our Christianity. Knowledge is power, and you should go to the source for these things. Your pastor cares about you, and will welcome the conversation, I promise!

Scripture references for Baptism:

Matthew 3:13-17, Mark 1:9-11, Matthew 28:19-20, Romans 6:3-6

Scripture references for Holy Spirit Baptism:

Luke 3:16, Acts 2:38, Mark 1:8, Acts 11:16

Tell me your baptism story below in the comments!

Am I right when I say to you, there are times in life when letting go of disappointment, hurt and pain is easier said than done? I have been there- I have actually lost years to anger because I held on to what I felt was injustice. Many people advised me to let it go, but this was easier said than done.

This post will provide a strategy for letting go of burdens that God wants to take from you. It works for the big stuff as well, but you will have to be diligent and open to talking about what happened. That’s right- it hurts so much that you think it will kill you to talk about it, but once you do, the poison loses its toxicity. For help letting go of the huge things, I want to recommend T.D. Jakes’ book, LET IT GO. While I read it, there were times that it resonated so deeply I literally threw the book across the room because I couldn’t handle the truth. But I always went to retrieve it and went deeper into the process. I hope you read it too!

It also seems like no matter how many times I am put in a position where I have to let go, I forget every other time I went through the process. Life can pull the rug from right under you friends, and this girl has lived through that waaaaay too many times. I created a prayer box as a physical reminder of what I had already entrusted to God.

Sometimes we go to God in prayer, and ask Him to take things from us that threaten to overwhelm us. And after spending time with Him in praise and worship, we say “Amen” and pick up the same burdens on our way out. You haven’t really put the situation in God’s hand if you find yourself giving into worry and anxiety about it afterwards.

I decorated this little box, and inside I wrote on slips of paper the things that I knew I needed to give to God because they were making my heart sick. Examples: The girl at work who intimidates me,  my credit card bill that I am paying off ever so slowly, the student loans that are still there after all these years,  a friend who is upset with me because of a message she saw on Facebook (oops)… After doing all that I can (making minimum payments, being friendly to the meanie at work, apologizing to my friend), I write the situation on a slip of paper. During my prayer time, I take out the box and go through with God each situation. I ask for His forgiveness where I’ve failed, I tell Him what happened and I tell Him what I want from the situation. He may not agree with what I want, but that’s okay… it’s more important that he take this pain from me because I can’t take it anymore! I allow myself to be angry, or emotional one last time and then I put it in the box. I take a deep breath and declare with my words that I am letting go and allowing God to take control of the situation.

The box serves as a visual reminder that this burden is not with me anymore. The hard part is convincing my mind, who has become accustomed to worrying and dwelling on stuff, that it is no longer in my power to think about this thing. In the beginning, I may even have to go open the box a few times, read the slip of paper and then give it over again. I might speak out loud when my thoughts begin to race, “That issue is already in God’s hands. It’s in the box and I am not going to worry about it.” I promise it gets easier with time.

I want to stress that this only works when you’ve taken the time to do all that you can or should in the situation. If I’m not making my minimum payments, I can’t let go that concern because I have not done my part. If I don’t have money for it, then that would have to go in the box too- I can’t do anything without the money, so please provide for me Lord. And if the Lord provides and I use that money for something else, I haven’t been a good steward. The same goes for relationships- when you are wrong, you need to make an authentic attempt to make amends. Then you have done all you can, and you are asking God to take over now and through his Holy Spirit, do the healing work that you can’t do, both for yourself and the other individual.

After having my box for a while, I was able to go through the slips of paper and see how God had rectified and worked out various situations in my life. But the reason I created the box, the heartbreak that threatened to harden my heart forever, was still there.

Heartbreak took a few additional steps. I had to talk about it. I had to cry and let it out. I had to mourn the loss of the relationship and no one could tell me how long that would take (but admittedly, it took longer because I was so stubborn and didn’t want to really let it go). Somehow I reasoned that it was better to feel pain and still hold onto the memories I had then to let it go and avail myself to making new memories.

I remember being blinded by tears when I would see that slip of paper, an injury without relief. I brought it God countless times, and when my mind and heart tried to take it back, I would bark, “It’s in the box! It’s still in the box!” I prayed about it and realized that I had not forgiven the person who broke my heart for hurting me. I remember thinking at the time, “God, why don’t you reward me for my progress?! I used to picture cars hitting him in the street and now, I just want him out of my sight.” It wasn’t enough! In effort to deal with this, I began to bless the breaker of my heart. At first it was not genuine, and eventually, I felt it was humiliating that after all he did to me, here I was blessing him… but it worked.  Over time, it worked! I knew I had made progress one day when my brain wanted to reach out to those fading memories, and when I said it was in the box, I saw the image in my mind of this guy, shrunk down to a miniature size, being put in my prayer box.  He was laid on his side, legs curled up, the way a child sleeps, and he was smiling. He went into the box and I saw it close.

Peeps- I promise you, that image did not come from me. Having to see someone who hurt you deeply every day is torture enough. Sometimes we imagine bad things happening to him/her just so we can feel like we have control in the situation. That certainly was what I did for a while. But I knew that forgiveness was taking hold of me when I could picture him, happy and at peace, sleeping the hand of God, who took care of what was in my prayer box.

Have you ever used a prayer box? How do you deal with disappointment, hurt and pain when it keeps coming to mind? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.