Man, with the lack of posting this week, all you all might think I’m actually Syzlak. Or am I? Anyways, it’s just been a helluva’ week. I mean, there’s that whole work thing where the bossman thinks I need to actually do something to earn my wage, and then all the interweb drama starting with some jackass last Friday and going all the way through to this week, where some “ethical” marketing troll took it upon herself to pick a fight with a comrade of mine among many others.

Speaking of which, there is an art to knowing when to shut the fuck up. I don’t usually try to tell people what to do, well, aside from my SEO Standards, and I realize that the person who should probably be reading this the most will never see it. But for the three or four of you who do, you probably don’t need a lecture from a jackass like me. But whatever. The thing is, this thing called the interweb is wonderful for expressing one’s self, even if that expression is one of dislike and contempt for another. Yes, one should stick up for one’s self and one’s friends. However, when that “expression” turns into a way to alienate someone you care about from their colleagues and making people question associating with that person due to their association with you, you need to step back from the keyboard and monitor and really think long and hard about what you’re doing. At that point, it’s not about “being you” or whatever new-age hippie bullshit you tell yourself. It goes beyond you. It goes to the heart of destroying the reputation of those who you hold dear and associate yourself with. And at that point, that is point at which you need to learn to shut the fuck up. Besides, you’re just gonna’ get hung by your own words.

Oh, and constantly threatening to sue others for doing the same shit you do to others? Just remember who the first victim of the guillotine was. Do unto others as you’d want un done to yourself and all that.

So, with that, on with the Semper Fi edition of 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week!

1. Subway’s new $5 Footlong plus 7″ knife promotion isn’t being received well. I’m guessing Quizzno’s Zesty Meatball and Razor Blade sub wont’ be successful either.

2. Rebecca Kelley has very nice teeth. 4 out 5 RKFB’s agree! Yet another reason for my fanboy allegiance and loyalty. And yes, I recognize how fucking creepy this is.

3. Being Andy Dick sucks. And not just because that means you’re a drug-addled asshole and groper of teenage girls. No. It sucks because no matter what happens, when you wake up you’re still Andy Dick and you peaked by standing on the shoulders of others. That’s the best Andy Dick story I read since Lovitz put the beat down on Dick’s sorry ass.

4. Don’t fuck with Streko’s friends.

5. Comedy is hard to write, and nearly impossible for some. This isn’t a dig just ‘cuz someone was too much of a chicken shit to publish my comments or decided to be a dick to Ms. Rebecca Kelley. Okay, maybe it is. I mean, he goes after her with some cheap, throw-away comment that’s not even fucking original? WTF? But still. If this is an example of a comedy blog, then Dane Cook is the funniest motherfucker alive. Seriously. I’m pretty sure there’s another reason I’m feeling a little woozie - and it ain’t because of Badoozie. Maybe it’s because of the stench of failure or suckassdom? Perhaps too much bullshit? Or the overwhelming feeling of pity that though this guy is trying to pick a fight with the industry, we all realize he has a hard time fighting for air ‘cuz his head is so far up his ass? That’s probably why you’re feeling woozie, jackass. Pull your head out and realize that your mom is just saying those nice things ‘cuz that’s what mothers do. And you really ought to consider having sex with a robot if you get the chance. With PMS jokes and shit as your standard fare, that’s the only way you’re gonna’ get laid.

6. No matter how old I get or what level of success I achieve (or, rather, don’t achieve), poop stories will always crack me up. Thanks, El Tigre.

7. Either white girls can’t dance, or the Icky Shuffle and the Twist are making a comeback.

So, there it is. Have a good weekend and junk.

It’s been a crazy fucking week, and it’s only getting crazier.  Hence the lack of commentary.  Anyways, all you all have a great weekend.

1. Jason Gambert is a bona fide jackass. The jackass in his own words at the Wikipedia.

2. Being rich is still fucking awesome. For reals. If I were that fat slob you wouldn’t see Heidi Klum or that model within ten miles of my fat ass.

3. ZOMG GOOGLE IS NOW SHOWING USER NUMBERS WITH THEIR KEYWORD TOOL OMG I’M GONNA’ POOP MY PANTS OMFG SOMEONE PLEASE PUT A POST UP ON IT ON THE SPHINN CUZ I DON’T THINK ANYONE HAS YET OMG I DID POOP MY PANTS THIS IS CRAYZEEEEEE ANOTHER POST ON THE SPHINN PUHLEEEEEZE!!!!!!!!!!! Alright, enough is enough. They’re just filling a hole that the Overture Keyword Tool left. When have you not known these people to capitalize on an opportunity?

4. Word of advice to all you all who got a Russian mail order bride - don’t get drunk and piss her off. You know these folks are hardkore.

5. Paris Hilton has size 11 feet.

6. If this is the future of our military, get prepared to learn a new language.  Seriously - who the hell is going to be intimidated by those guys?

7.  I’m fucking awesome.  ‘Nuff said.

It’s apparent my plea to let Melanie’s domain be unblocked by the Sphinn has fallen on deaf ears. It’s a travesty, I’m sure, but I’m sure the Sphinn has its reasons. The Streko even went as far as to sfin the initial post that started the revolution. Granted, it was done in Mad Libs (which are great for family fun!), yet the Sphinn blocks Melanie’s domain.

I started a hunger strike, but after an hour I yielded. Hey, I’m a fat guy, give me a fucking break! Sure, if i was a fucking vegetarian it’d be easy! You ever try a fucking tofu dog? Exactly. There’s a reason those people are fucking scrawny. Then I decided to go on a booze-strike. After half an hour I got the shakes so bad and it felt like bugs were crawling all over me that I yielded then too. I thought about a blog strike, but realized with a readership of four or so, it wouldn’t really matter so much. I thought about taking down the interweb, but quickly realized I’m too lazy and too dumb to try that. Besides, then where would I get my porn? From the corner store like a common politician? Fuck that.

So, the Sphinn, I urge you to do the right thing and let Melanie Phung’s domain free from your gulag. She’s a good person, and she likes puppies and babies and rainbows*. How evil can she be if she like babies and puppies and rainbows? Unblock her domain today.

*This statement has not been verified as a fact. She may actually hate kick puppies, shake babies and point at rainbows (as you all know, pointing at rainbows makes them go away. When the hell did I get to know so much about rainbows?). But even if she doesn’t, please don’t hold that against her. Just unblock her friggin’ URL already!**

** As it turns out, she does like puppies and rainbows.  Don’t hold that against her either.

Whoa - I mean, not that this is promotion where you get a free Ms. Phung with every comment.  I mean, that’d be cool and all, but I don’t think she’d be down with that.  Besides, with a whopping three readers, that means there’d need to be like, what, five of her?  I digress.

The point of this post isn’t that there’s some sort of Melanie Phung give-away.  It’s quite to the contrary.  Earlier, I tried to post an incredibly well-written, enlightened article about social media marketing from her blog to the Sphinn.  I mean, those people seem to eat that shit up.  Mention Digg or the Twitter and it’s a damn near orgy of, er, well, those people get excited.  So, in the spirit of sharing (hard to believe, I know.  What can I say, I’m a stingy motherfucker!), I eagerly went to the Sphinn to submit Ms. Phung’s article and was met with:

URL is invalid or blocked: (http://www.all-about-content.com/2008/07/how-not-to-use-social-media.html)

Huh?  Melanie Phung’s blog’s URL was blocked?  Did they have the right person?

I tried again and received the same result.  Melanie Phung, who’s on there quite a bit, making comments, reporting spam and promoting other people’s stories, can not have one of her stories promoted on the Sphinn.

Surely, this must be some sort of mistake.  I mean, my blog isn’t banned and I had that one crazy lady call me and the Streko liar and rapists on the Sphinn and I managed to piss in the Cheerios of that one “comedian” (using the term extremely lightly) with the sombrero.  Hell, I was even too controversial for Michael “Matt Cutts Is A Clown” Gray at one time!  All I’m really known for is my loyalty to the word of Ms. Whalen (seriously, let me know if anyone’s fucking with you), kicking ass in the poop porn and generally being awesome.  Melanie, on the other hand, is actually a valuable member of the community.  Me, not so much.  Though I did give all you all SEO Standards (I have yet to receive any oxen or children, btw).  But Melanie, she’s finding and sharing good information while creating some of the more compelling pieces about search marketing.  And yet her domain is banned.

Banned.  As in, not able for a jackass like me to post a well-written piece to it.  As in, “Gee, thanks for participating, Melanie!  Someone wants to submit an article of yours?  Well, I’m sorry.  You’ll have to go fuck yourself.”  As in total fucking bullshit.

It just seems weird to me that despite all the crazy and questionable shit that pops up in there from time to time, Melanie’s blog is banned.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  And if it doesn’t make sense to you, I urge you to take up the “Free Melanie Phung (not that she’s in jail but we just want her blog to be un-banned in the Sphinn)” cause.  Join the movement.  Get engaged.  The revolution is afoot.

So, this was almost all ready to go.  All I needed to do was pull the trigger and it was done.  But I fucked up.  You see, for the working class, the Fouth of July is nice, but really, the day to whoop it up is the Third of July.   You never get the Fifth of July off, unless you have a job that actually gives you weekends off.  But if you don’t?  Getting fucked up on the Fourth just means you’re gonna’ go to work hung over.  In the end, the big day to celebrate on is the Third.  But you know what?  People get all sorts of pissy and “Martha-call-the-cops-”y when you get drunk and start setting off fireworks at 11 o’clock at night on the Third.  And apparently cops don’t like it when you offer them a beer and say, “Chillax, oinky!”

Anyways, here’s this week’s 7.

1. Being rich is fucking awesome. Some poor, black ghetto kid or white trash trailer park kid - their shit would be in the stir for five to ten. But some 40 some year old Hollywood crack tramp with a good name? $95 and two half days of talking about her fucking feelings. Justice for all. Fuck that. Shit should be burning over this.

2. Apparently, there’s some sort of consumer electronics show in Vegas the same weekend as the hollowed AVN Awards show.

3. I don’t care if balloon artists have a code of conduct, I still don’t think the search industry needs one.

4. If you’re looking to make your wealth re-distribution economic stimulus check go further, head to the outskirts of Reno, comrade. Double your pleasure?

5. Looking at hot chicas is good for improving mood. Looking at douchebags is good for self esteem. Combining hot chicks and douchebags is genius. Though, I don’t think this does for women’s self-esteem. Seriously - if you have a bunch of girls that are considered pretty having their pics snapped with these douchebags, what does it say about about those gals? I mean, the men are douchebags. But

6. That dude who’s not a dude but a trans-dude that was supposed to be a dude having a baby had the baby. So in other words, some chick with extreme body mod had a kid or something. Thanks for keeping on eye on this developing story while on vacation, the Streko!

7.  Google is now able to crawl flash.  Lovely.  I’d bitch about this, but I doubt I’d say anything different than what Syzlak said.  Oh, except that the interweb is gonna’ totally suck for fuckers with the dial-up.

Alright all you all.  See ya Friday, I hope.

Hey, I’d just like to extend a quick thank you to the seven people who are taking up the mantle and helping me fight the bad fight against Perez Hilton and his domination of “Worst Blog Of All Time”. And who are those seven people, you ask?

Well, in a shameless link plug that hopefully doesn’t sink any battleships, these fine, intelligent example of what’s best about mankind:

First up, Ms. Phung, our very own baby momma of content. She’s the one who started this fight. Now it’s up to us to finish it.

Comrade Syzlak, loyal to a fault. Actually, not really. He might consider throwing my sorry ass under the bus. But he did vote anyways!

And then there’s the Streko, who thinks this is some sort of scam. And the elegant doomster hisself, Bill D, who seconds the motion. But you know what? They still voted anyways!

I’d be remiss not to mention that even Matt McGee, the nicest guy in the industry, has voted for the Worst SEO Blog Ever! to win Worst Blog of All Time. If Matt voted, it can’t be all bad, can it?

Let’s not forget Katy8439. Honestly, I have no idea who the hell this is. But I do know this - Katy is obviously a person of superior intelligence and integrity. Just tell me where to point the link!

And finally, last but not least, there’s Justin, who made the big trek from Arizona to Wisconsin. Despite totally uprooting his entire life for a couple of days visit to the fam, he’s taken the time and has the courage to do the right (-ish) thing - vote to defeat Perez Hilton’s domination!

I completely understand what a pain in the ass it is to go there, register and then vote. It almost kept me from doing what I’m asking of you. It really is. I mean, why so much bullshit to go through? And the fucking site crashes? What the hell? That’s fucked up! But please don’t let it keep you from creating an account and voting for the Worst Blog of All Time. Join the ranks of these loyal, awesome and hyper-intelligent folks. Help a fucker, will ya?

Okay, first a warning.  This week’s 7 really, really sucks.  That whole job thing got in the way of me learning anything, and when  you read them, not only are going to realize how horrible they are, you’re going to think, “That SEO Hack really is a lazy fuck!  I should kick the shit out of him! I want my five minutes back, you prick!”

Another thing, what is up with all you people and the”poop porn”?  I’m number two right now (heheheh, that joke never gets old!  Oh wait, it just did), and man, I don’t know if it’s the sunshine or what but I’m getting hit with a lot of traffic for it from some sickos!  Or it could be one pervo that keeps getting fooled.  At any rate, it’s crazy and distracting.  Here I’m trying to be all legit and shit and I get most my traffic from some really disappointed fucker who can’t read looking to travel the ol’ Hershey highway.  Oh well, I guess bad traffic is better than no traffic at all, eh?

1. The government is distracting us from the real threat with all this illegal alien stuff. To arms, people!

2. Not only is Syzlak better than me, I’m him! Numbers don’t lie, folks. And I’m guessing he’s still petting his Agent Scully doll too. Seriously though, could you blame him?

3. Vern Troyer has a sex tape. Insert your own “Mini-Me” penis related joke here.

4. I’m even more legit than I was last week! That’s right, punks!!! Syzlak and I got top billing in a post by Ms. Kelley. Not only do we look like real for real SEOs, we kinda’ come off looking smart! Or at least Syzlak does.

5. Apparently, American Indians (feathers, not spots) don’t live in teepees anymore. Wow. And from what I understand, both American Indians and Indian Americans hate when people differentiate between them with the feather - spot thing. But that doesn’t tell which bathrooms she-males go potty in, nor why white people smell like wet dogs when it rains. At any rate, I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell ‘cuz I find this site friggin’ hilarious!

6.  Some enterprising Floridians found a way to pay for transportation in these times of increasing fuel prices.

7.  Never bring a banana to a knife fight.  Okay, that one was a total cop-out.  I admit it.  But if you read the article, they have an even worse “banana split” pun.  As such, I feel entitled to churn out my own crappy play on words.  C’mon - it was that bad, was it?  Besides, that is actually solid advice.  You know, ‘cuz a banana won’t cut a punk.  And if you’ve ever tried to fight someone with a knife with a banana . . . alright, I give up.

Have a good weekend.

Okay, I know people steal shit all the time.  I’ve come to accept on that on the interweb, your shit is going to get scraped, stolen and re-purposed to make some fuckwad some cash.  Fine.  But when it’s a company that not only steals your fucking content, but your page design as well, and then puts it in frames . . . fuck that.  Well, sure, it isn’t my page design, but it still pisses me the fuck off.

Fuck you, CompuServe.  Fuck you and fuck your pervo little fuckwad user-tard that found this den of awesomeness through your shit-ass stealing.  I hope that fucker was pissed that he didn’t find the awesome porn he was looking for and fucking quits your asses and uses a real fucking search engine.

And don’t give me that “they could click Remove Frame and that’d take them to your site” bullshit.  Firstly, I highly doubt they’d bother.  The fucker would see that there was no poop porn or awesome porn or whatever his fucking sick-ass jolly is and then go back to your crappy-ass search.  Second, what the fuck good is it doing me?  “You get a link!” you say.  Fuck that.  I don’t want to rank for “Remove Frame”.  I want to rank for something awesome, like “Totally Fucking Awesome Blog You Must Read!” or hell, I’d even settle for “poop porn”.  I’m not particular.

So, anyways, dearest CompuServe, have a nice shot of Go Fuck Yourselves on the house.  Fuckers.

I know there’s a lot of you out there that don’t feel this SEO blog is worth a Google fridge, a rubber chicken or a SEMMY. I’ve come to terms with that. I accept that this is a den of mediocrity; I’m okay with that. Seriously, things are better now than they were last January.

BUT - I’ve been nominated again, suckers! That’s right! Not only am I fucking legit, I’ve been nominated for an award I think I am worthy of for a change. Comrade Melanie has nominated the Worst SEO Blog Ever for Worst Blog Of All Time! That’s right!

Now, you’d think I’d be a friggin’ shoo-in for this, but I’ve checked out the competition. As it turns out, the current leader for Worst Blog Of All Time is friggin’ Perez Hilton. Now, all you all know how I feel about his dog. But this isn’t about dogs. This is about the worst blog ever. And I’m up against a giant. That fucker has media exposure from all over and a dedicated following of lovers and haters. This fucker, on the other hand, has a loyal few (not to be mistaken for fucking Criss Angel’s Loyal, who we will CRUSH when it’s go time) and absolutely no love or hate from anybody. I tried to get hate mail and it didn’t work. The fucking media don’t know who the hell I am. But dye your hair pink and use MS Paint to draw cum on some movie star’s face and you’re a fucking celebrity. You see what I’m up against.

So please, help a fucker. I’m not asking for cash (though I won’t turn any down!) and I’m not asking for you to adopt anything. Hell, if you hate children, I don’t care. This isn’t about kids. This is about some pissant taking down a media giant. And if you care, even better - if you don’t care, then vote for the Worst SEO Blog Ever! in the category Worst Blog Of All Time. Your vote won’t matter this November. But it will matter when you vote for the Worst SEO Blog Ever! Make difference. Help a fucker.

Thank you for your support.

Alright, so another week down the drain. And it seems this week the Plurk hit “the big time” - and by big time I mean the industry is all hot and bothered about it. How can you tell? There’s several ways. First, people start calling themselves and other people on the medium some nauseating, cutesy term that incorporates the platform’s name or a variation of. For the Twitter, I assumed it was twats. For the Plurk, it appears to be plurkers. Accompanying names is the next sign: annoying vocabulary, or plurkalary, as friggin’ Syzlak likes to call it. The final sign is an abundance of articles espousing the wonders of the Plurk are starting to show up on the Sphinn, giving marketers tips on how to market to other, er, umm, marketers.

Anyways, on to the edumacational segment of this broadcast!

1. Some guy in Australia got bit on the cacker by a snake and drank rum to “fix” it. I don’t know what else I could add to this.

2. Big Head Teddy may not ever win, but may end up as McCain’s VP. Or maybe the Geico Gecko will. Hell, I really need to spend more time reading these things. Anyways, Big Head Teddy or the Geico Gecko may or may not be a on some sort of vice president short list.

3. Billy Idol is responsible for one of the worst songs of the 80’s, or perhaps of even all time. I mean, what the hell? There’s no amount of Billy’s sneerage that can save this turd of a song. Seriously. From the cheese-dick hand-clap drum strikes or whatever the fuck those were to the lame-ass synth solos to horrible lyrics, it’s just everything I loathe about the genre. Even the fucking bondage-themed dancers don’t seemed inspired by this crap-fest of a song! If I had heard this song before watching the Wedding Singer, I so would have been cheering for Glenn to take Billy out. Fucking wanker. This totally ruined Dancing With Myself for me forever. Fuck you, Billy Idol. And fuck you classic rock radio station for continuing to place this shit. Fuckers.

4. Not only is bacon fucking awesome, bacon is fucking healthy!

5. I’ve been nominated for an award that I think we can all agree on - Worst Blog Ever! Help a fucker win something, won’t you?

6. I know what it’s going to look like when I go to hell. On the upside, Cirque du Soleil are offering me the opportunity to win a chance to punch Criss Angel in the fucking face. Silver linings and all that.

7. And, for the final reference to Ms. Mel, Happy Friggin’ Birthday! Seriously, you should have just wrote this today. Anyways, hope it’s a good one and I apologize for the late present. Apparently, it’s not a good idea to ship one of those giant cakes full of strippers across country. I guess they die and stuff. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

Alright all you all, hope that wasn’t too painful.  Have a good weekend and junk.