So, here’s the thing. We all know people on the interweb are assholes. It’s just the way it is. Fuck it or fight it, at the end of the day, this little barrier of silica and wire and a bunch of other shit I really don’t understand makes it so the assholes will remain, well, assholish. It’s the way it is. That’s why a monkey will fling shit at you when you go to the zoo. Monkeys are naturally assholes, and putting them in a cage makes them act like bigger assholes. Put a barrier in the mix, and well, you got shit all over your new shirt and junior is going to have seek counseling. It’s sixth grade science, really.  But this isn’t about monkeys flinging shit, er, well, I guess it kind of is. Anyways, this is about what happens when you fling shit and that magical barrier is gone.

Now, I admit, while I’m jealous of Perez Hilton’s anhiliating anhialating annhialating kicking the holy shit out of me for the worst blog of all time, but that has nothing to do with this.  Hell, I didn’t even know who the fuck will.i.am is or was until Syzlak explained it to me, and even then I was still friggin’ lost.  Apparently, he got the president elected or something with either MySpace or the YouTube, though if it were the Hulu that’d totally make sense since I’m boycotting them because I hate their fucking ads so much.  I mean, c’mon – some kid in ad school win a contest or something?  Those ads actually make me violent.  Violent enough that if Perez Hilton had been talking shit about Syzlak or Ms. Rebecca Kelley or Comrade Melanie, I would have Lovitzed his ass too.

Which is the point of this.  Did he deserve to get his punk ass whooped?  That’s up for debate.  I mean, he did start acting like a dick to will.i.am, in real life, and somebody jumped in.  But, kicking the shit out of people is against the law, regardless of how much of a prick they’re being to you.  The real lesson here is if you’re gonna’ act like an asshole on the internet, someday somebody may want to kick the shit out of you.  And when you go out into the real world and act like an asshole, no one gives a shit that Miley Cyrus is your amiga (really?  That’s not the punchline to a joke?  Hey – lookit that! A pun!) and you will likely get the shit beat out of you.  And it will take an hour for the police to arrive.  And people will snigger at the picture of you crying.  Or at least I probably will.

- or -

I Was Relevant Once

HAHHAAHAHAHHAHHAHAA!  I don’t know why or how, nor do I really care, but on a list of 117 SEO blogs that are worth a shit, this was one of them!!!

Okay, so the post is from March of last year.  But what the hell.  Just like that creepy gym teacher that’s grooming potential minors to have sex with, I’m sayin’ age is nothing but a date, and I don’t care that the date of that post is from last year.  You have to take credit where credit it due, even if, you know, you kind of do it a year later when your unemployed ass has nothing to do but think about your next gin and tonic and watch the new season of Bridezillas (I wonder if divorce lawyers watch this shit to troll for future clients, but anyways, I was gloating).  A win is a fucking win, even if you didn’t realize you won over a year later.  You don’t see those Olympic fuckers sending back medals after it turns out some dirtbag pissed a dirty test, do you?  Exactly.  It’s just like that, sans urine. And medals.  Well, and glory and television coverage.  Other than that, pretty much the same thing.  Except nobody cares about this and for whatever reason they give a shit about the Olympics.

The other thing is, there are some really good fucking SEO blogs on that list!  By people that know shit, nonetheless.  And from a source like Promote My Site (I’m pretty sure they promoto websites or something), that’s gotta count for something too.  So, again, this is a big win.  Me = AWESOME.

Before I wrap this up and have a celebratory beer (should have a half rack if you consider the interest one beer would have had had I had it then.  Wow, that sentence can’t be grammatically correct), I’d like to say thank you to every one of you who have gone and voted for me for the worst blog of all time.   I know beating Perez Hilton is a personal wet dream of mine (I can’t believe I just used “Perez Hilton” and “wet dream” in the same sentence – I think I threw up in my mouth a little) for this honor and likely to only happen once he quits or gets a conscience, but being second is  pretty fucking cool.  Thank you for your support.  Seriously, it’s pretty damn awesome.  Thank you.

What a week, huh?  GM files Chapter 11, California is down to its last dime (perfect time for someone to take over a government! Anyone game?) and it looks like David Carradine may have accidentally hung himself doing something he probably didn’t want all of us to know he was into.  Though, there is some good news.  Now that SMX Advanced is over, we can go back to looking at our Twitter feeds without seeing half a dozen twats about what we’re missing every five minutes.

So anyways, when I was putting this together, I was thinking, “Man, this may be the best one yet! Maybe this will be the ticket to regaining the respect of my colleagues.  Maybe I’ll get that coveted fifth reader!”  Then I finished it up and realized that it’s not only not as good as I had hoped, it’s pretty bad.  Like, I might be back to two readers.  I actually put effort into finding and noting stuff all week too and all it got me was this shitty post.  Oh well.  Either way, it was an educational week.

1.  It looks like Obama is going to fix the economny after all.

2.  The Excalibur needs to do a better job of keeping their employees busy.  The only thing sadder than robbing a store for smokes with a sword is using your mom’s Altima for a getaway car.

3.  Who needs Congress when you can leverage ICANN to fuck over the little guy?  Even if you stand to gain from some bullshit like that, you have to admit it’s bullshit.  This is why you should never trust groups of people.

4.  Can white women and black women get along?  Let’s find out with two bikini-clad contestants in a pit of Jell-O or mud!  No?  Panties and a pillow fight?  Ask a stupid-ass question, get a sexist answer.

5.  If California passed a stupid tax, they might actually get over their budget deficit.  What’s even more amazing, one of these stupid assholes actually not only graduated from law school but also passed the fucking Bar exam.  What the hell? Thanks for uncovering this dietary advice, Mr. Pilatowski!

6.  Few things make me laugh and smile as much as the thought of a cat shitting in a toilet.  I’d like to say that the video cracked me up, but thanks to my fucking awesome connectivity from Hughesnet I gave up after waiting ten fucking minutes for the fucking thing to fucking load.  Oh my god I need a fucking drink.  So tell me, did he sit there with a little magazine or newspaper like we do?  Just curious, because, you know, the whole Hughesnet thing and not being able to see that what I am to assume is a fucking awesome video of a cat shitting in a toilet.  Really, my dreams are simple dreams.

7.  A brothel in Nevada is actually creating jobs.   I know a lot of people are syaing this won’t pencil out because of the “needs of a woman”, but to all those naysayers, I disagree.  Men are willing to pay sex.   Imagine how little you’d have to pay them to work in a brothel.  Hell, give them a logo T-shirt and a free dinner at Sizzler and you’d still be turning away applicants.  This will work.

Alright, time to find some pants to wear to the Wal-Mart.  Apparently they’re getting all fancy and junk and are going to require such things now.  Fucking rich people ruin everything.

Pretty clever title, eh?  It has a nice cadence and it rhymes!  Lookit’ that!  Really, that’s a pretty awesome title.  Okay, maybe not so much.  But anyways . . . .

So, Microsoft comes out with a new search engine and it seems at first everybody panned it and now some people are saying, “you know, this isn’t such a turd after all.”  But here’s the thing.  This could be the best search engine in the world.  It could be that “Google-slayer” that people have been yammering about for the last seven or eight years.  Yeah, it could be the best fucking thing in the world.   Doesn’t matter.  Much like Lenny petting a rabbit, Microsoft will totally fuck Bing up.  Hell, you could even say they already fucked it up with that dumb-ass name.  Really?  Bing?  That’s the best they could come up with.  What are they gonna’ name their mobile version – BinGo?  And that’s why this thing is friggin’ DOA.  It’s got a stupid ass name.  And yeah, I realize it’s all Beta-y and junk, but they really should have updated their fucking index for it before spinning this thing live.  Or, screw 301s and take up their SERP space.

Didn’t they just launch “Live” last year?  I’m just sayin’, rolling out a new search engine every other month looks like a desperate plea to show you’re relevant.  So, I guess if you don’t like Bing, just wait a year and the big brains at Microsoft will roll out another craptastic search engine and we’ll get to see the Ballmer-boogie again.

Alright, so this is really like the 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb  Last Week and This Week.  But fuck it.  I’ve been a busy bastard!  Okay, maybe busy is a little misleading.  But I’ve had shit to do.  And then there was a long weekend, and as we all know, three day weekends usually start on Thursday because Friday is usually a fuck-around day and then the following Tuesday, you’re still hungover so it’s not even really like that day counts either.  Of course, I’m talking about back when I had a job and stupid shit like showing up to work actually mattered.  And now I wonder why the hell no one will hire my broke-ass.  Anyways, so here’s the junk I learned, with all the usual warnings about being disappointed and junk.

1.  The only thing worse than her stealing a few lines from some blogger is Maureen Dowd’s abuse of makeup.  Yikes!  You could almost float a quarter in that shit!  How’d you like to wake up next to that?  Anways, there’s something to be said about growing old gracefully.  And yes, I realize this looks like a sexist double standard, but the other night I was watching CNBC or something and a guy, yes, an older DUDE, had the same damn problem.  Only, I can’t find a picture of that guy so I’m going to pick on the plagiarist.  What I find more interesting than her clown school face painting job is how quickly this went away.  Maureen, you steal my shit and I swear to god it won’t go away that quickly.  Just warning you.

2.  Some shit just doesn’t make sense.  Not even to Syzlak.

3.  Ms. Rebecca Kelley’s three year blogging anniversary was last week and I totally forgot to get her anything! What kind of creepy interweb stalker forgets an important anniversary like that?

4.  I’m not the only who thinks Ms. Piggy has it going on.  You know, if having sex with puppets wasn’t creepy and junk.

5.  Americans and Mexicans aren’t the only ones seeing Jesus in crazy shit.  Welcome to the club, United Kingdom!  Thanks, Mr. Davies, for bringing this to our attention.

6.  There are now three things in life that you can count on – death, taxes and Microsoft totally sucking at the interweb.  I don’t even know where to start.  But they should smother their marketing team.  Bing – really?  Really?  All that money and they came up with “Bing”?  Frankly, it’s quite amazing they haven’t totally made the X-box fucktarded . . . yet.  And they have such big brains up there!

7.  Carol Bartz is my kind of boss.  I may have a crush on her.

So there it is.

Alright, so it looks like it’s time to clear the air a little.

So, here’s how it went down.  MilwaukeeSEO (despite the fact I’ve drank a bit of Beast Ice, I still can’t spell fucking Milwaukee to save my ass) wrote a post on April 21st about how maybe we’re all getting dumber thanks to all this social media bullshit or something, and then on May 7th I, posing as “Your Neighbor”, made a pretty asshole comment back to Mr. MilwaukeeSEO.

Yeah, I’m an asshole and have left asshole comments before.  But that wasn’t me.  Not even fucking close.  I saw that @milwaukeeseo mentioned me on the Twitter in a  twat and ran to the post all excited and junk because I’d been mentioned.  Yes, my depressed, unemployed ass still feeds off any scrap of attention I can get from this thing like a junkie rat licking syringes in the methadone clinic’s dumpster.  The fucking interweb will do that to you.  But anyways, this isn’t about how pathetic I am, but more about how much of an asshole I wasn’t being on May 7th.  I digress.

Anyways, that motherfucker isn’t me.  And to make my point, here’s 7 Tell-Tale Signs That Fucking Bastard “Your Neighbor” Isn’t SEO Hack:

1. I totally would have used “SEO Hack” and not “Your Neighbor” in the hopes that the link would have been not nofollowed (look – I used a double negative!).  And yeah, now I know it’s nofollowed, but honestly, I would have been too friggin’ lazy to check that out when commenting.

2.  “Your a pathetic little dick . . . ” would have been “You’re a pathetic little dick . . .”.  Yeah, I’m lazy, but I know when to fucking use “you’re” and “your”.  We learned that shit in the third grade.

3.  The phrases “pathetic little dick”, “you’ll cower”, “spineless worm”, “you little shit” and “bitch” are totally words a dominatrix would use.  I’m more of a bottom, believe it or not.

4.  The word “fucking” is only used once.  We all know I prefer to use the word “fuck” and it’s variations as an adjective as well as an adverb, a verb, a noun and part of a noun.

5.  I don’t know what time that comment was left, but chances are if it was in the evening I was watching “The Fashion Show”, which is fucking horrible.  I mean, c’mon Bravo!!! Weinstein fucks all you all over and the best you can do is find a bunch of fucking egomaniacs with horrible design sense and the personalities of shit sandwiches that can’t fucking sew?!?!?  Really?  That’s going to make me forget about Tim and Heidi?  That one fucker who made that horrible rain coat last season that got booted off right off the bat is better than those hacks!  Except for James Paul.  That poor bastard should have been on Project Runway.  I bet he’s ESL and thought he was on Project Runway until he saw Isaac and Ms. Rowland (and Kelly may be the only bright spot on this turd).  And don’t get me started on this bullshit maneuver that got Project Runway moved to Lifetime.  Hurray, it’s not all man-killer movies anymore.  But that still doesn’t mean Project Runway is a good fit (and I’m still pissed at them for swapping Will & Grace for the Golden Girls after Frasier).

6.  Someone who runs an amateur hour blog wouldn’t dare call another blog “amateur hour”.  Something about rocks and glass houses and junk.  Plus, since my life now revolved around tricking the unemployment office into giving me checks, who am I to tell someone to get a life?  I might be an asshole, but I know my place!

7.  The fucking post is 100% spot on and even a dumb motherfucker like me can see that.  And if you read my AWESOME body of work, I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty easy to see that.

Now, it’s easy to see why someone would want to pretend to be someone as awesome as me.  But at the same time, if you’re gonna’ make me look like a fucking asshole, at least have the goddammed courtesy to do it right.

Thanks.

I never thought I’d see the day, and I can’t tell you where it ranked, which page it was or how far down in the SERPs the poor bastard had to go to find it, but, this site, this Den of Awesomeness as I like to call it, was found for a one-word search phrase.  A very competitive one at that – “fuck”.

That’s right bitches! Fuck! I was found for it! It’s almost as good as being the second worst blog of all time.

Oh – this place was also somehow found for “Maine porn”.  Don’t know why, don’t know how, and don’t know that I really want to know.  In a way, when you think about it, it’s almost as disturbing as “pikachu porn”.

When you watch a lot of the TV (as I do these days), you also get the priviledge of watching a lot of shitty ads too.  Lately, one of the worst has to be for fucking Subaru.

Perhaps you’ve seen this one.  You have some fucking hipster douchebag doing the voice over about how he and some other dude named Doug or something drove for two days to get to “Subaru Heaven”.  Turns out, Subaru heaven isn’t something awesome like a rally car event or some sort of gonzo drift-fest, which would have been awesome.  Oh hell no.  Turns out, Subaru Heaven is a bunch of abandoned Subaru Brats and shit under some oak tree on some fucking hill.

So, if you’re following this, you have some asshole parking a perfectly fine, running Subaru Forester under a fucking tree, giving it a sappy look and then driving off in another Forester.  As they drive off you then get some bullshit line about the fucking car living on “one part at a time”.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!

Okay, if the fucking car drives, why the hell is this guy parking it under a fucking tree?  Why not give it to Goodwill or St. Vinnie’s or go on friggin’ craigslist and see if there are any single moms out there that need a good set of wheels?  And then, I’m guessing this fucker is all into recycling and shit, which is why he parks the car under a tree.  In the middle of a fucking forest.  Where it can leak oil, radiator fluid and tranny fluid into the ground water and kill all the fucking salmon.  I know, I know.  He wants it to live on “one part at a time”.  I got news for you.  There are already places where cars live on one part at a time.  They’re called scrap yards, asshole.  You can go there, and, believe it or not, buy junked Subaru parts “one part at a time”! I know, it’s fucking crazy.  Who knew right?

Whoever came up with this concept should be slapped.  Whichever art director passed this should be bitch-slapped.  And the dumb shit who okayed this at Subaru to be shown on the TV?  I don’t know.  Something bad.  Okay, I got nothing.  I got distracted halfway writing this fucking paragraph by a Playtex ad.  I mean, there’s boobs!  What?  Where are we now?  Okay, time to hit the publish button.

ps – turns out, I’m not the only one who thinks that Subaru Heaven is a load of shit.

Holy shit.  My password actually friggin’ worked.  Who knew?  It’s like you know when you’re sitting there on the shitter, reading MAD, doing your thing and all of sudden you remember the fucking quadratic equation that you forgot and because of it flunked your advanced algebra class back in high school?  I imagine it’s something like that.

So, anyways, since the password worked and TV has been boring (yes, even Wife Swap can get old on the fifth go round on the entire fucking series), I thought, hey, I think I’ll start spending more time on teh interwebz.  You can cut my unemployment benefits, but you’ll never be able to cut my thirst for freaky-ass internet porn, Mr. Government Man!  Anyways, as such, I gleaned some shit on my travails.  And as always, if anyone happens to accidentally stumble across this, you’re gonna’ be really fucking irritated at this.  I mean, seriously.  It’s been what, six months?  Oh, whatever.  Let’s get this over with.

1.  I may not actually be the most annoying fucker in social media.  Who knew, right?  Though, I guess you have to be social to be a part of social media and spending my time watching the ladies of Wife Swap annoy the holy fuck out of the families they try to take over and licking Cheeto dust off my fingers isn’t being social.  But hey, score one for the Hack!

2.  Some families are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more fucked up than mine.   Thank god my mom didn’t knit.

3.  Apparently, in some sort of bizarro world, there’s a list of the sexiest minds in new media that magically does not have Comrade Melanie or Ms. Rebecca Kelly on it.  Yeah, I know!

4.  It’s a miracle Australia isn’t going broke.   C’mon, Australia, it’s fucking FROG.

5.  Only the Japanese know how to make a woman’s biological clock sexy.  That, or I have some sort of deep seated fetish I am totally unaware of.

6.  A REAL man (not so chick who became a quasi-dude who then became a part chick) gave birth! Yes, follow that link and you’re going to be as totally fucking underwhelmed as I was.  Damn you, FOX news!

7.  Criss Angel is not only a total fucking douchebag, he’s also a total fucking asshole. Give the guy his fucking cat back.

That wasn’t so bad.

So, of the three of you who still stop by to see whether or not I’ve been arrested or have permanently taken up panhandling, you might be thinking, “Hey, you out of work degenerate! Where’s those fucking posts you promised us, you jerk?”  Well, really I’ve been busy! Really!  Did you know that unemployment is damn near like having a job?  It’s a real pain in the ass!  And here I thought it be all PBR and Wife Swap all day every day.  Oh, but oh hell no.  They actually make you look for a job and shit.  They’re all, “Did you look for work?” and I’m all, “Maybe . . . ” and they’re all, “Well, you better have been or you ain’t gonna’ get your check, you lazy fucking slob!” And I’m all, “Mom, just get me a Pepsi.  Please! All I want is a Pepsi!”  And so on and so forth.

As it turns out, the closest job they can find for me for SEO and search marketing is janitorial related.  Go figure.

But, I promize to try to get something, ‘cuz I actually learned some shit this week.  Really, I did.  On the interweb even.  It’s a crazy fucking thing, itinit?