The majority of my test results are in.

Nothing is wrong with me.

I don’t have diabetes, I don’t have liver disease, I do not have problems with my thryoid nor do I have an infection of some type.

I had a very slightly elevated albumin level. She said it just basically indicates I was slightly dehydrated, but she said it wasn’t even really relevant. Just make sure I keep up my water intake.

Right now, the tentative diagnosis is Adult ADD. It was mentioned in passing at my first appointment, but I thought that there was no way that was it because I don’t act like Bug does. Well, apparently Adult ADD and childhood ADHD/ADD have many differences. I have taken multiple screening tests now, all which indicate that this is probably the case. (In fact, one rather rudely told me to “Seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY”)

I got a list of symptoms of Adult ADD and it was like reading a (rather embarassing) book about my personality. Mom, Dad and Geo all nodded their virtual heads in agreement.

In actuality, having this tentative diagnosis has done worlds for my attitude this morning. You know, I will be the first to admit that some of the issues related to my sexual abuse are still present in my life. I am sure they will always be. But on the most part, I am very comfortable talking about it. I get emails from time to time from people who stumble on this blog and want to talk or want advice on sexual abuse. Doesn’t bother me. When my grandfather died, a large part of the issues I had died with him. The anxiety, the fear that he would kill me or my family. And while I am a little bitter that my stupid ovary issue is related to the abuse, I also feel a tremendous sense of relief that Dr. Gel said I could get knocked up.

I guess my point is..every single time I have ever tried to get help for an issue in my life in the past 10 years, as soon as they hear I am an abuse survivor they pin everything on that. Extremely short temper? Well you are harboring anger from your abuse. Can’t concentrate? It’s the depression. Tendency to bounce around from thing to thing without finishing it? Oh, well maybe you are bipolar. Low self esteem? Feeling that you are underachieving in your life? Well duh, you are an abuse survivor. You are expected to have low self esteem.

And it never really felt right to me. In fact, I had some therapist who refused to talk about anything other than my abuse. Even though sometimes I wanted to talk about my marriage. Or sometimes I wanted to talk about my relationship with Bug.

So when Dr. Lunch told me that I was probably feeling this way because I have depression and anxiety and maybe the Wellbutrin wasn’t working and maybe I needed to try Paxil, I got a little pissed.

Because I know what depressed is. I know what anxious is. And I wasn’t really either of those things. I was depressed because I felt horrible. I was depressed because I didn’t get picked for the kids. But hey, that is normal. It was just a bit of sadness. When I really took an honest look at what effects the ADs have had on me, I would say that they helped but they never fixed. They took the edge off, but they never dealt with 70% of my issues. I thought I would just have to be like that forever. I thought I would be mostly unhappy forever.

And when I really trace back this current downward trend I’ve been in, I can almost pinpoint it.

Right at the time I graduated from college, lost the structure of my classes, lost the security of my GI Bill and was suddenly my own boss and responsible for my own income.

I’ve walked around for the past month or so feeling like I am stupid and lazy. And I’m not.

Anyway, I’m waiting to hear from the doctor as to what the next step is. Of course, the VA doesn’t really specialize in adults with ADD so there is already an issue with medication and the like. I’m working on it.

But I am optimistic. For the first time in my life, I’ve seen a list of almost everything that is bad about me and somebody has said, “Hey. We can help you fix this. It is not your fault. This can be fixed.”

That is very powerful.

Technorati Tags: test results, ADD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, therapy

 

THIRTEEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME CRY

1. Headaches.

2. Onions.

3. Feeling alone.

4. Feeling overtired.

5. Rejection.

6. Infertility.

7. Bills.

8. Missing my family.

9. Low blog stats.

10. When Galinda and Elphaba sing “For Good” in Wicked.

11. Grey’s Anatomy.

12. The last Cub’s game of the season.

13. When I wonder if Bug will turn out OK.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

 

Didn’t get picked for sibling group of three.

When you watch a fish tank for two hours, you notice a lot of strange things. Like the scum sucker fish..he was being followed by this big orange fish for the better part of two hours. Also, the Vet who sat next to me insisted that Ashley Judd was married to Tom Cruise. That has nothing to do with the fish tank though.

The VA kept me waiting for two hours..apparently she ”went to lunch” and moved her morning patients to the afternoon but nobody bothered to tell me so I just sat and watched the scum sucker.

At least the doctor actually did something. I had to get get seven vials of blood drawn (fun when you are terrified of needles), a urinalysis and I have to put my poop on a card and mail it in. How gross is that? Sorry. Hope you weren’t eating.

She’s testing my white blood count, my thyroid, checking for diabetes and hepatatis, plus my B12 and folic acid? And testing my..you know..to see if maybe I have colon cancer because apparently that makes you tired?  Plus some other things, I think.

She should have most of the results in tomorrow.

I have some more to write about, including my behavior program for Bug we designed at class last night….you know, the one that Bug has already shown that she doesn’t give a damn about….but I am too depressed right now.

Oh, and I have notified the school as to what happened, but frankly..the check is not obviously forged at all. With the exception of my name missing a letter, the rest of the check is perfectly filled out.

Darn Bug.

Did I mention I found half of a shriveled up LIME in her bed??

Technorati Tags: fatigue, behavior

The foster kids that I was going to get a couple weeks ago had a possibility of coming here today. I’m guessing that there is probably still a chance, but as it gets later..I figure less and less of a chance.

Being a foster parent can be tough because you have to walk a fine line between wanting children in your home and knowing what happens to get them here. Of course I would be thrilled to have those kids here but if they come, then that means that they have entered into “the system” and who knows when they will come out. So I’ve been sitting here all day, watching the clock. Wanting them to come but not wanting them too at the same time.

Meanwhile, I was planning to write a post about how Bug made her first ever basket in her game this Saturday and how she has a cold and gave it to me and how proud I am of her for being so interested in helping out St. Jude’s.

Before I did that, however, I wanted to take a quick look at my bank account to see what checks had cleared and whether my deposits had posted.

Check 2405 had and so had 2406. Not 2407, but 2408 had.

And 2421??

I flipped through my checkbook. Why would I have written 2421 if the next check was 2409? Luckily, my bank puts a scan of every check on the internet so I could pull it up.

2421 to Bug’s school?? And then I look.

My first name is missing one letter.

My last name started with a capital cursive letter, except I never write the first letter of my last name in cursive. I always write it in print and the rest of my name in cursive.

And those numbers. $20.00. Looks very similar to someone else’s handwriting.

A certain 10 year old.

Bug had taken a check out of my checkbook, written a 20 dollar check to her school and forged my signature. The school had taken it and cashed it.

Why? I mean, I had just sent in a check for lunch money a few days before.

Because my check only covers the basic lunch and breakfast and Bug wanted to buy extra drinks and extra food and extra dessert.

I haven’t had to talk about Bug taking food without permission for awhile now. She’s gotten much better. Everytime we go shopping, she picks out a selection of fruit that she is allowed to eat whenever she wants, without asking. She gets three meals a day,  a snack after school, usually dessert at night. Plus unlimited fruit.

But she can’t take things without asking, like the three packages of cookies she ate on Wednesday. She takes them into the toilet with her. Into the shower.

Now, I can see where someone would think that this was just a case of Bug not understanding that checks=real money, but Bug understands that. She also understands why it is not ok to forge checks…in fact, she will be the first to tell you that her mother went to prison for forging checks.

It is all just disappointing. She takes 5 steps forward and 4 steps back. 5 forward, 4 back. If she hasn’t been food deprived, she has unlimited fruit and drinks, plus three meals and two snacks a day…then I don’t understand why she is still having so many food issues.

I guess it’s time to make another appointment with the therapist.

Oh speaking of, I’m taking someone’s suggestion (Amanda?) and am trying to get on lexapro. I’m still having extreme amounts of exhaustion. Still don’t know if it is physical/depression/both. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow to talk to a doctor where I am going to try to get my blood tested as well as my thyroid. I have a lot of symptoms that could be attributed to my thryoid, but of course, they could be other things as well. I’m not sure what is wrong with me, but I’m still working to try to figure it out.

Technorati Tags: foster care, parenting, behavior

 

 

Hi, this is Bug,

My school is colleting money for St Jude Childrens Research hospital. St Jude is a a hospital that kids go to if they have cancer or anything else. The doctors study these sickness and try to find a way to prevent it. St. Jude has made a Big improvement 3 years ago 4% kids made it but that did not stop the doctors they soon studie really hard now 90% make it. So I was wondering if you can donate some money and help me raise money. How I am raising money is By a mathathon. I do math problems and if I get 1 right you can give me money or just make a donation. If I raise the most money in 5th grade I get to go to St. Jude hospitle to help bring the money and get 1 day off of school to visit St. Jude. When I get the day off school I get to help them research and visit some of the kids. So I wondering if you could please make some donations.

BY BUG

(Baggage here: Bug will be given approximately 250 math problems. You can sponsor her by pledging to give a monetary amount per math problem. For instance, you could donate 5 cents per math problem she completes. You could also give a flat donation if you prefer. The money is tax deductible. If you are interested in sponsoring Bug, please leave a comment with your name and pledge amount (or you can email it to me at [email protected] if you prefer..although you do not have to give your real name..just make it school aged appropriate if you give a fake name). I will let you know how many problems Bug does in a future post. The easiest way to make a donation is to send me the money via Paypal or Moneybookers and I will write one check for the full amount of donations. If you don’t have Paypal, we can work something out so you could send me a check or money order, but Paypal would be easiest,

So to summarize….

You can help out Bug and St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital by either:

1. Sponsoring her by giving a donation per math problem (out of 250) that she completes

or

2. Giving a flat donation by sending the money amount to my paypal address which I will provide you. (Or via check or money order if we have to)

Either way, send me an email or post a comment here if you are interested. Thank you very much!

About St. Jude:

Since its inception, St. Jude has developed protocols that have brought survival rates for childhood cancers from less than 20 percent to more than 70 percent overall.

Since opening in 1962, St. Jude has treated children from all 50 states and more than 70 foreign countries.

St. Jude researchers and doctors are treating children with genetic immune defects and pediatric AIDS, as well as using new drugs and therapies to fight infection.

St. Jude has approximately 4,700 patients in active status. St. Jude, which is non-sectarian, treats children without regard to race, religion, creed or ability to pay. St. Jude is the only pediatric cancer research center where families never pay for treatments that are not covered by insurance, and families without insurance are never asked to pay.

To learn more about St. Jude please visit www.stjude.org.

Technorati Tags: St. Jude, mathahon, fundraiser

First off, thank you all for the movie suggestions. If you haven’t chimed in, please do so! (See post below) I know there are more of you out there that have some great suggestions..so help me! Pretty please?

I went to Geo’s last night so I could watch Grey’s. Well that, and so he could fix my van. (Hello, new water pump)

I have two blogs that I have had for awhile and am really slacking on so I thought I’d talk about that today.

First is my Grey’s blog. I have a post up today so please come chime in with your thoughts on last night’s episode.

The second is my reality TV blog. Both of these blogs are hosted on Orble which is a blogging network. Basically how it works is that ads are displayed on your site. 50% of the time the ads are credited to you and 50% to Orble. The reason I’m talking about this is because I am opening up my reality TV blog to other authors. Obviously with my TV-deprived state I can’t watch a lot of the shows that are out there. (Plus there are about a million shows.)

So if you go to the blog, you’ll see a link that says “Apply to write for this blog.” I think you have to be an Orble member first. So sign up for Orble. Register your adsense ID (you’ll need one so get one if you don’t have one already.) Then click on the little Apply thing. Fill out the form. I’ll approve you as a writer..(Tell me that you are a reader here so I can tell who I am dealing with.) Then you will be added to the writing team and you can write about whatever Reality TV show you want. All the ones on cable too, and if you are out of the US, then that is great too. You’ll make a post, it will go to me to approve (and I will approve it as long as you don’t write something like “Baggage sucks!”) and then your post will come up.

So why the heck would you want to do that? Well, you get 50% of the advertising dollars on the posts you make. It will go right into your already established adsense account (if you have adsense on your blog) so it will help you hit that elusive $100 dollar mark quicker. If you don’t have a blog already, here’s a chance to jump in and write without having worry about setting everything up. And hey..it will be fun. I’m hoping to have people writing about all the reality shows there are out there.

That’s all for now.

Technorati Tags: reality tv, Orble, Grey’s Anatomy, blogs

 

Bug: Can I do your Thursday Thirteen this week, Mommy?

Me: No, I already did.

Bug: Darn! I had a really good one too.

Me: Oh yeah, what?

Bug: THE THIRTEEN ORIGINAL COLONIES.

********

Here are the songs that contain my favorite lyrics:

#1 Stupid Boy by Keith Urban

#2 There’s a Fine Fine Line..Avenue Q

#3 I’ll Cover You..Rent

#4 Never Neverland composed by Scott Alan (You can see Stephanie J. Block who was Elphaba on the Wicked Tour when I saw it…I met her..perform it on her website. Scott Alan is also a blogger.)

#5 Thank Goodness..Wicked

#6 Do You Love Me…Fiddler on the Roof

#7 I’m Kissing You..Des’ree

#8 I’d Rather Leave While I’m in Love…The Boy from Oz

#9 Defying Gravity…Wicked

#10 Tell Everybody I Know..Keb’ Mo’

#11 The I Love You Song…The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

#12 I Should Tell You…Rent

#13 La Vie Boheme..Rent (Which by the way is the song from which my blog name and my online name come from)

********

Now that I’m TV deprived, I’ve been watching a lot of movies. I signed up for Netflix but I’m having trouble finding movies which I haven’t seen or that I’d be interested in. I need some suggestions.

I don’t like horror movies or action movies that consist mostly of people getting blown getting blown up. I do like action type movies where there is some intellectual problem to be solved. Like comedies, romantic comedies, dramas, even romance movies like The Notebook. I’d also like to find movies I can watch with Bug that don’t make me want to poke my eyes out with a stick. For Bug movies, I’d prefer G or PG but if it is a PG13 that isn’t too bad, I can deal. I’d also like TV show recommendations. Like, if I watch Lost from the beginning am I going to understand it? Musicals, documentaries..all good. Movies that I can watch with Geo without him poking his eyes out will be appreciated too.

What should I be watching?

(Oh, and is there anyone else above age 13 here and a fan of High School Musical or am I the only one?)

Technorati Tags: Thursday Thirteen, song lyrics, movies, Netflix, Avenue Q, Wicked, Rent, The 25th Annual Putnam Country Spelling Bee, High School Musical

 

THIRTEEN OF MY FAVORITE SONG LYRICS

How many do you recognize?

1. “She was everything beautiful and different. Stupid boy. You can’t fence that in, stupid boy. It’s like holding back the wind.”

2. “And you never know til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb..”

3. “I think they meant it when they said you can’t buy love, now I know you can rent it. A new lease you were my life on life..all my life..I’ve longed to discover something as true as this..”

4. “And though life is not easy..as we as children read in the books..though fairy dust could just fly you so far away..all I ask is that you leave my imagination..so I can pretend I’m flying away..”

5. “I couldn’t be happier though it is, I admit, the tiniest bit unlike I anticipated. But I couldn’t be happier, simply couldn’t be happier, well..not simply. Cause getting your dreams it’s strange but it seems a little well, complicated. There’s a kind of a sort of cost, there’s a couple of things get lost, there are bridges you cross you didn’t know you crossed until you’ve crossed.”

6. “Then you love me?! Well, I suppose I do. Then I suppose I love you too. It doesn’t change a thing, but even so..after twenty five years..it’s nice to know.”

7. “The strong will never fall but watching stars without you…my soul cries.”

8. “Too many times, I’ve seen the rose die on the vine. Somebody’s heart gets broken, usually it’s mine.”

9. “Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game….It’s time to trust my instincts..close my eyes and leap.”

10. “Other women don’t mean a thing to me. You can pick em all up, drop em all in the sea. If I got no money, she don’t care, she’ll open her pocketbook and pay my fare. I know she loves me, up down high or low..well, I love my baby..I’m going to tell everyone I know.”

11. “We always knew, we always knew you were a champion. Your sadness filled my room. Dear, if you should feel my gloom…blame it on me. Blame it on your daddily and mammily cause depression runs in our family.”

12. “I should tell you..I’m disaster…”

13. “Excuse me did I do something wrong? I get invited then ignored all night long. I’ve been trying..I’m not lying..No one’s perfect I’ve got baggage..Life’s too short babe and time is flying..I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine. I should tell you…I’ve got baggage too..Should tell you..baggage..wine and beer!”