If you’re not 100% sure what I’m referring to, I’ll let you in on some recent dirty dealings between the two ceremonies. In case you missed it (and they were hoping you did), before the Globes last year the folks at The Oscars informed talent agents that if their clients accepted roles as presenters at the Globes, they wouldn’t be invited for the role at the Academy Awards. Read that again. That’s next level Mean Girls three-way-call sabotage if you ask me. But that’s what happens when networks get involved - if you recall, The Academy Awards are aired on ABC and The Globes are an NBC special event. In Trump’s America, everything is about ratings, people.

You probably didn’t miss the (ahem) subtlety of moving the Oscars “up” by a few weeks this year, now airing February 9th. The Globes used to own the first part of the year (at LEAST the first month and a half), and now there’s not much breathing room between the two ceremony siblings. The Oscars are taking back territory they felt was a birthright - and maybe it is.

But talk to the commissioner of ANY professional sports league and they will tell you, extending a season is always a favourable move. The NHL season now ends in June. For many (present company included) the Award Season is just as enthusiastically tailgated as any sport. Wouldn’t it seem then, that shrinking the window of enthusiasm or undermining the players in the game (Globes, SAGs, DGAs, BAFTAs, etc.) would have an adverse effect on the entire sport? Simply put, the hype machine kicked off by the Golden Globes only serves to amplify interest in The Academy Awards.

It starts the conversations that will be on the tip of everyone’s tongues until all of the glittery hardware has been doled out. Already storylines are emerging. #OscarSoMale

Seemingly racially or gender-driven snubs are always hot topics, right along with armchair critic predictions and passionate pleas for “mainstream cinema” to get a nod. This year, we see yet another Foreign underdog make waves; Parasite following directly in the footsteps of ROMA is an enormous triumph for the global art movement. I’d love for us to be talking about that for a few months, instead of rushing through the climax and leaving but a single breath for its denouement. We need time to read into what these themes mean to us collectively as consumers and cultural critics. But our window for discourse and appreciation has narrowed to less than half a season of Greys Anatomy.

To what end? Are the movers and shakers behind the Oscars really that short-sighted? Or perhaps, has self-admiration and the desire for spectacle displaced the original goal?

Let’s not fight. C’mon, if cinematic tropes of storytelling have taught us anything, it’s that the true masterpieces are immersive, unhurried and ignite discussion. That’s what I expect from Award seasons too.

If you grew up with Britney Spears as your role model, favourite pop star, sexual empowerment icon, and one-day best friend…you know why this question is of utmost gravity. Girls and guys that grew up in the 90’s, we are responsible for her. We need to make sure she’s her best self. We feel a deep sense of inherent guardianship, don’t we? I most certainly do, and I’m not alone.

I need you to remember how we all felt in 2007. I’ll help you. You were listening to “Hey There Delilah” on (shameful) repeat after a breakup. You were watching CSI religiously every week (and re-thinking your major, “Maybe I should do Forensics?”). You were spoiling the final Harry Potter book to anyone who would listen (don’t ask me which one that was, I was beyond uninterested. Sorry, don’t throw shit.) And, you watched TMZ as Britney spoke in a British accent, spent a few days here and there in Rehab centres, dated a paparazzo, and decided to shave her own head. People always use the metaphor “it was like a car crash”. In this case, I think that’s a perfect way to describe it. I can’t think of much better. It was like in slow motion, the epic and seemingly irreversible erosion of Pop Culture’s princess. We saw it coming, and we couldn’t do anything within our power to stop it. In a perverted way, we were the cause of it, and yet, also the ones with the most to lose if she ever succumbed to her mental illness.

I know it’s hard to believe, but in 2007 there wasn’t really social media. Go ahead, look it up. Facebook became “a thing” around 2007, but it was still very much a cool kids College/University photo album, and not how your Nana sees your vacation photos. I say this because I want you to think about what kind of exposure we would have had to her suffering if there existed social platforms like Twitter, Facebook (as it lives and breathes today), Instagram, etc etc etc. Would there have been pre-warning to her slope downwards, mentally? Would we have been able to spot it earlier? Would we have tried to step in as pop culture purveyors, or would we wait (in our grimy pop culture perversion) for something really bad to happen to our Britney?

I can’t help but bring up that her father took conservatorship of her estate (and, let’s be real, her life) in 2008 after two involuntary psychiatric holds, and giving full custody to her (sigh) ex-husband Kevin Federline. That shit was hard for her to do. We know this because she contested this court ruling, twice. Fellow Popworms, that’s over 10 years. She is well into her 30’s, and her most stable self, is under the conservatorship of her father. He is now ailing. She cancelled her Vegas commitments, and spent a respectable stint in Rehab as a result. Her manager has outright stated she may never do another show.

Pause. Holy shit. This should have been the only headline for WEEKS, and yet, I think you forgot about that soundbite, didn’t you?

So now, we have a Britney that has no real “purpose”. She’s dating an admittedly smokin’ hot model (or something…who cares) and spending her excess of time making Insta-stories twirling around in tight dresses. I go back to my original question: are we good? Do you sleep soundly at night with the blind assurance that Britney isn’t having 2007 flashbacks?

The answer is no. Straight up, we are concerned. But what can we possibly do to help Britney right this ship, stay the course, avoid a lather, rinse, repeat situation? Well, the first thing y’all can stop perpetuating is the #FreeBritney movement. The last thing anyone suffering from chronic mental illness needs is freedom. Before you spew venom at me for saying that, let me give you some context. If you are an extraordinarily artistic and creative person, the most paralyzing directive is “do anything you want”. I tell you this as a former Arts major with an imbalanced right side to left side of the brain ratio. A blank page without any set guidelines is like a full body local anesthetic; you’re left numb or riddled with anxiety.

The conservatorship has been her life blood, allowing her to continue performing, be a mom, and focus on her health. Now, it may have to change hands in lieu of her father’s recent health issues, but I believe she still very much needs it…perhaps now more than ever. She and her parents have been to court recently (sometime in May of this year), to re-assess the scope of the conservatorship, where the judge ordered her to undergo a 730 day expert evaluation (or a competence examination).

That’s a two year assessment folks. Whether her mother steps up to take on more of the conservatorship duties, or the “fear” of the two year court-ordered evaluation keeps Britney on the straight and narrow, she needs it.

We need to be the best friend we always assumed we were and support every decision that is made in the spirit of well being. If she needs to spend another few months in Rehab, or she needs to stop performing, or even if she needs to be left the fuck alone… we’re over here, cheering her on.

Whatever your answer is, you can’t deny that the show has been an enormous part of our collective social commentary for the better part of four decades. Everyone was lighting 20 candles and lauding Law and Order SVU for its 20th anniversary this year, but can we talk for a second about how SNL has been on the air every week since 1976? The most hit or miss television format you could dream of, and yet it has sustained even in the wake of the seismic shift that network television has fallen victim to. There’s very little in the category of “must see” network TV these days, but chief among them HAS to be SNL…as it has been for 40 some odd years on NBC. You have to think that in that first season, “longevity” wouldn’t have been the word you would’ve picked to define the show; a show where the cast members change every few seasons, pushes the boundaries of what’s acceptable outside of HBO, and oh by the way, is written start to finish in a week and performed live. Not exactly the recipe for success and/or network backing.

But you’re still watching, right? This season, you tuned in to see how many celebrities would “cameo” as one of Trumps expatriated henchmen, and marvel at how much Kate McKinnon looks like Jeff Sessions and Lindsay Graham. It’s uncanny. Two years ago, you were taking mid-evening naps so that you could stay up to watch Alec Baldwin transform into a brilliant satire of Mr. Trump, and McKinnon rocket ship to fame (and Emmy noms) as the “kooky” version of - then front runner - Hillary Clinton. This resembles the Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton impressions characterized by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Political bits aside, SNL has consistently brought to air some of the most memorable characters, and quite frankly, TV moments year after year. The Church Lady, The Blues Brothers, Spartan Spirit Cheerleaders, Alex Trebek, Roseanne Roseannadana, Wayne and Garth, Debbie Downer, The Coneheads, Gumby, The Delicious Dish, Drunk Uncle, McGruber, Robert Goulet, Two Wild and Crazy Guys, Dancing Mascot…I could go on and on and on. You get the idea.

How does it remain relevant weekend after weekend, year…excuse me, decade after decade? Partially it’s the turnover. While we hate saying goodbye to our show favourites, it does keep the humour and ideas fresh AF. When different voices are heard, new audiences will ultimately connect. It’s sort of like the Lorne Michaels’ version of the Beyonce cleanse. The cayenne pepper is the fact that we lose talented performers, the tablespoon of honey is that SNL is ultimately sweetly recycled in the shake up. For example, Emmy winner Kate McKinnon’s contract ended this season, as did Aidy Bryant and Cecily Strongs. Catch your breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Remember in 2012 when Kristin Wiig and Andy Samburg left the show? We had the same feeling in the deepest part of our stomachs. That allowed for the McKinnons , Jones’, and Bryants of the show to rise, catch the light and thrive.

SNL may be heading into yet another evolution, a rinse and repeat cycle of rebirth. We’re heading into another election in 2020 - so how will the masters of political satire regroup and cause its much-anticipated stir once again? It will. That’s the beauty of 40+ years in a spin cycle.

I can’t imagine a world without SNL. And funnily enough, neither can people twice my age and half my age. What other TV show can even begin to boast that? I’ll wait…

I thought it might be time for us to take some personal stock of when (and why) this topic became our dark obsession. My husband has voiced his concerns over my Netflix category suggestions one too many times. I needed to turn inwards and ask the tough questions: Why can’t I look away? Why am I always “in the mood” for a gritty True Crime title? Who hurt me and turned me into this armchair atrocity monger?

I had to talk to an expert. Well, I had to talk to a friend with the same seemingly unnatural affinity.

My friend Ashley comes by this topic academically. The girl has a degree in Biological Anthropology, and studied bones for four years (at least, that’s the Coles notes description). But even beyond that, we have cornered each other on multiple occasions to let our inner Murderino flag fly and discuss our latest binges on HBO, A&E, Netflix and Amazon. She was the right girl to talk to as I struggle to come to terms with why True Crime is now a full blown subgenre of pop culture.

Let’s call a spade a spade. True Crime is having a moment akin to say, Reality TV in the early 2000s. All of a sudden everyone can name more than 10 serial killers, even if they’re 4 or 5 drinks in. It should be one of those things EMTs ask to make sure people are conscious. Like, what’s your name? What day is it? Name 5 serial killers.

But this is by no means a NEW thing to be unusually devoted to. I’m sure your parents watched Law and Order religiously - the way back Orbach and Brisco years. The difference, is that information and media have become this beautiful Frankenstein that’s part human and part… whatever the internet is made of. Our access to information is now served up exactly the way we want it to be. We’re listening to podcasts about the topic, we’re watching hours of documentary content, and we’re loving every minute of it. Especially WOMEN and that’s fascinating to me. Ashley told me that there was an equal number of men and women in her University classes, but that the industry itself is still quite “man-sided”. She believes that women are far more logical than we’ve traditionally been given credit for, and that studying “black and white” anatomy subjects actually appeals to our logic centres.

I wondered aloud how much True Crime is currently on Netflix. I knew it would be a lot. This “sub genre” is ENORMOUS for this platform. How enormous? Stay seated. I looked it up, and there are currently 77,000 titles associated with True Crime and serial killers. Easily a few weekends of content, am I right? Jesus. I didn’t even need to look far to find the stats to prove my point. This “sub genre” is not at all sub. I mean, Netflix could solely exist to stream true crime content and make a killing. Don’t mind the pun. Actually, mind the pun...that was good.

I know you’re into this stuff too. When did you start? What happened to you? What was the very first True Crime story that you remember being borderline obsessed with? From the people I’ve talked to, it’s usually a close to home story, what Georgia and Karen of My Favorite Murder would call a “hometown murder”. Or maybe it was the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys paperbacks you borrowed from the library every weekend through the 80’s and 90’s.

The hometown association is absolutely true for me. In 1991, Toronto was absolutely gripped and mortified by a string of murders carried out by the “Schoolgirl Killer” who turned out to be the “Ken and Barbie” team of Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. It still gives me heart palpitations just saying their names out loud. The absolute worst of our city’s humanity were enabling each other and committing the most horrific murders….and it was far too close to home. These weren’t gruesome stories ripped from the headlines in California or New York. This was happening right around the corner, and you could cut the anxiety around here with a proverbial knife.

Since then, I’ve almost habitually kept my eye on those cases. Like a part-time job. I learned everything I could - even the most inhuman of details. I felt it my responsibility, not because I enjoyed it, but because I wanted so badly to understand why this could happen, and what kind of people were capable of it. It truly felt like I was respecting the victims by trying desperately to understand the monsters that ended their beautiful lives. Those victims names were: Tammy Homolka, Leslie Mahaffy, and Kristen French. Always remember the names of the innocent. They have families who love them.

In case this isn’t obvious, it’s really important to note that when we say we are “unusually devoted” to True Crime, we don’t mean that we are in any way glorifying the murders. Far from it. Law and Order SVU chose the best word to describe it: heinous. These are horror stories and we are entirely on the victim’s side, always.

I’m glad that’s out of the way.

So why are women consuming so much of this subject matter? Ashley and I agree that the rise of True Crime popularity among women seems to be aligned with the trajectory of a larger conversation about sexual harassment and assault. In her words, “women are pissed”. We are that. It’s hard not be when you hear statistics like, 82% of all juvenile victims, and 90% of adult rape victims are female. Leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, doesn’t it ladies? If knowledge is power, then we are getting really, really power hungry…and content producers are well aware.

That’s fine. Keep pumping out information for us to consume, exchange and learn from. I’d like to see more “I Survived” episodes than cold cases as a result. I’d like to think that we’re forcing men to think for at least one more beat longer before they think of us as weak, easy prey. I am terrified of home invasions, that’s my nightmare. Hence, I have made sure I can fit through every window in our house. I know how to unlock and lock everything in two seconds or less. I have a “weapon” handy in every room and corner, and I have rehearsed how I would use it to save myself. I am acutely aware of my surroundings, and of the people within a 50 metre radius of me at all times. I run really fast. I have a lifetime of un-medicated rage issues just waiting to crest when the moment strikes.

If you are a female, aged 18-34, you are categorically consuming the most content in this genre. The amount of access that we have to the power of information should be a formative moment in our relationship with crime, in fact, it’s a snapshot moment. In 20, 50, 100 years, generations after us will look back at why we were obsessed with True Crime, and more importantly, what it says about us. I hope it means that the number of assaults starts to decrease. I hope it means there are more survivors of attacks. I hope it means there are less cold cases, and more justice for the innocent.

Please don’t send me anything vulgar, or compose angry tweets. I mean you can, but then you just don’t get it. I am here to talk about why things matter, and my candid lightheartedness is the only healthy reaction I have to get me through these stories, because we are humans - we aren’t great with dealing with this stuff in general. Ask your therapist why you pay them.

Always be an active viewer, not a passive consumer. My friends, that’s the difference between watching True Crime for sheer entertainment value, and letting it teach you something. Lastly, get a dog with a good bark.

Let’s unpack this seemingly innocuous statement Popworms.

I’m going to go right ahead and assume that 90% of us have worked in at least one office environment where we primarily rely on computers. Even archaic or traditionally feet-dragging industries, like legal offices, use computers now. What a time to be alive, am I right? So then I can also safely assume that you’ve interacted with a “tech person” in a professional setting. This is the person that has a decoration-free office or a small corner in the back, or perhaps is only on-site once a month to “run a virus check”. They rarely engage with you but when they do, they force you to question how you even manage to turn on your phone without their esteemed assistance. Do you know why that is? Because they are fucking genius-level IT minds that the right-brained plebes who took General Arts or English or Sociology as a major in University will never be able to understand. We exist on completely different planes, and they are acutely aware of this. Trust me, they talk about it amongst themselves. But we aren’t in on the joke, and that’s why they can say things like “server migration project” while we nod and mutter things like, “That makes sense”, or “So I have to save and restart, got it”.

Server migration projects are a big deal. Yes. It’s an upheaval even in a small office. But I have to wonder if over at MySpace, they wouldn’t have a team of highly capable genius-level people on that project. Like, in my office, a server migration is handled over the weekend by “our IT guy” that I’ve never met and only ever had hostile remote IM conversations with about software expiration. At MySpace, a server migration of that size and complexity would have been a major project, with a major budget, involving teams (plural), and I’d expect dependencies and contingencies for if/when shit starts going sideways.

What I’m saying, is that this statement reads to me as one of those things tech people say because THEY know WE don’t know what they mean. You expect us to believe that offloading 10 years of hosted content wasn’t the goal of this entire endeavor? Or, that if it was truly a server migration “oopsy”, that it’s this much of a shrug off? It’s an “inconvenience” at worst? Goddamn that’s disappointing.

That’s the word for it, disappointing. Disappointing that MySpace thinks 10 years of original content renders so irrelevant that we’ll accept their apology for “any inconvenience”. Disappointing that MySpace thinks losing this content is an inconvenience, and not far more personal or significant a casualty. Disappointing that MySpace is showing the decay of the first generation of digital content production. And lastly, disappointing that I found out about this in a one sentence news crawler, and no one is really all that upset.

An excerpt from the New York Times says, “Myspace.com is still online, but that doesn’t mean Myspace didn’t die. It’s best understood as undead: existing in some corporeal form, with nothing left behind the eyes…” Which is less than a sanguine review of the once prolific platform. I don’t disagree, but I find myself thinking that 10 years from now, will we be reading a similar obituary of YouTube, or Facebook?

Even though I am forever an optimist, I still can’t help but think this event is prophetic and should rattle our heads a bit more than it has. How soon we forget, MySpace was our Facebook Events, Facebook Photos, YouTube Channel, Bandcamp. So what makes us blindly trust that our content will live forever on these platforms, and never be “taken back” or repo’d in the future? And guys, when I say future, I literally mean in 5 years. Would that be, inconvenient?

The subtext of MySpace’s statement is that your digital content is only safe if the platform is making money. This was not a server migration disaster, this was a repossession. We just have to be so careful to remind each other, who really owns our content. They do. Remember, if you’re not paying for it, you are the product.

Honestly? I haven’t logged in to MySpace in probably 10 years any way. So I recognize that I’m building a soapbox out of sand here. My message is: don’t let the tech guy say big computer words and confuse you. Listen, pull back the layers, consider what’s really being said, and you might just find that it DOES mean something - much deeper - to you.

That was then. Now I find myself clutching for deeper themes and subterranean discussion of the movies I consume, whether they’re worth that level of conversation or not. So much so, that the first thing I did after seeing Captain Marvel in theatres was look up Laura Mulvay’s term “the male gaze” and dissect the hell out of this latest Marvel movie.

For context, although I assume that after reading that previous sentence you’ve already hit up Wikipedia, The Male Gaze looks at three viewpoints:

1. The individual filming

2. The characters within the film

3. The spectator

The Coles notes you’re looking for would go something like this: The Male Gaze is how women are depicted in art from a male, heterosexual perspective. In film and photography, the male gaze has three perspectives: (i) the man behind the camera, (ii) the male characters within the film; and (iii) the male spectators gazing at the image. Think about that. The image of a woman on film is created by men, to interact with men, and be watched by men. Does that make you feel super gross? It’s that feeling you get when a man you don’t know calls you honey because he thinks you like it.

So, in response to The Male Gaze is the feminist film theory aptly named “The Female Gaze”, looking at the same three perspectives, but this time, with women in the role of: director, characters in the film, and spectator. If you strike all three, you basically have a Penny Marshall film. For a really, painfully long time, the Female Gaze was only in practice in the form of a Chick Flick. The problem with that is, critics will say that often chick flicks flip the stereotypes 360 degrees, and use male characters as objects in the name of empowerment. That’s kind of missing the point of the whole “feminism just means equality” thing. Emma Watson wouldn’t be happy.

It’s also dangerous, in my humble opinion, to make gender exclusive films. Girl movies vs. Boy movies. If I’m a feminist (and I am, because, I’m human), I want men to see films with female characters, directed by a woman and inherently value that perspective. That won’t happen if the movie is “not FOR them”.

So, I buried the lead like a fucking amateur, but I’m finally going to make a point about Captain Marvel. It’s directed by Anna Boden (that’s a woman), centres around the story of Carol and her relationships with her best friend and best friend’s daughter (all women), but who’s buying tickets? Men. And women, but men are the primary spectators given it’s a superhero movie.

What strikes me most about this movie is that the main hetero relationship is that of Carol and Fury. It is completely A-sexual. It’s an entirely equal working relationship. There is respect, understanding, communication, and absolutely NO objectification - yet somehow this movie got made. Can we please talk about how rare this is? Even Wonder Woman (that many would argue was a breakthrough for feminist film making) fixates on the romantic heterosexual relationship of the two central characters. Her love for him makes her weak. His love for her…well, quite frankly, perpetuates the Male Gaze ideology and pulls focus from Diana’s female relationships.

There’s an entire “Female Gaze” theory that analyzes what women wear onscreen as a means of perspective. Wonder Woman’s superhero suit is iconically sexualized. C’mon, it inspired Madonna’s Blonde Ambition. It’s bulletproof lingerie. There’s nothing wrong with that, but since we’re talking about the sexual objectification of women in film, I can’t help but bring it up. Captain Marvel (nee Carol) wears a space suit that looks like something an Olympic Luger would wear. When she’s not in her retrofitted wet suit, she’s wearing worn-in jeans, faded Nirvana tees , plaids and leather jackets. These clothes make her no less hetero or “feminine” than Wonder Woman in her metallic braziers. At the same time, this (meticulously selected) attire doesn’t draw an unnecessary “gaze” that detracts from her story, her dialogue and ultimately, her strength.

Can I let you in on a little secret? I hate superhero movies. Hate may not even be the strongest or most accurate word in the English language for my attitude towards the genre. The fact that I’m writing about one will absolutely knock my husband on his ass. None of the tropes are attractive to me, and my broken record justification is that "these movies really aren’t made for me”. I know without a shroud of doubt that I am not the target spectator. It’s actually excruciatingly obvious. Yes, yes, I know there are strong female characters in the Marvel/DC universe. Go ahead, tell me about Storm and Black Widow and Batgirl or whatever. Their story lines are not enough to convince me that there is a female perspective onscreen, nor that anyone really cares what the female spectator feels beyond the price of a ticket. That’s my opinion, don’t throw shit. However, Captain Marvel may be the first comic-to-big-screen adaptation that I’m here for.

I love that the female relationships in this film are what make the main character strong. I love that the primary male/female relationship is one of platonic equality and respect. I love that the entire narrative of the film - both diegetic and non-diegetic - is from a female perspective. And finally, I love, love, love that the target spectator is gender proportionate.

And she’s achieved countless awards for her music and music videos, etc etc etc. We can move past this pop culture cogitation because at TIFF in September of 2018, she walked the carpet as a star with a brand new shine. She was almost starstruck by her own persona - somehow a blend of every female icon from previous A Star is Born iterations. She was a woman undoubtedly crossing the Rubicon and not for a second looking back on the road to the Oscars.

That was September. Some would say the perfect time to start the rise. But if you’ve studied the “strategy” in as much depth as I shamelessly have, you also know that the Festival circuit is like when nominees announce they are running for President. The Golden Globes, then, are the Primaries. The night of the Oscars is Election night. There is a blueprint, a grand design even, for winning on Election night in Hollywood. It starts at the Festivals, that’s where the strategy begins to reveal itself. Then you need to do the work - that means going door to door with your platform, showing up for absolutely everything, repeating your message over and over, and gaining enough ground to get the popular vote. While we all know the popular vote sometimes doesn’t mean shit (sorry Hillary, again.) it often tilts the ballot.

What was the Gaga story? You’ve heard it about 100 times. But it just takes that 1 time…

Where did it go wrong? C’mon, admit it. At the outset we ate up her story mirthfully. The story of a girl who has always wanted to be accepted as an actress. The story of someone who just needed a shot. The story of a budding actress meeting a budding musician and director. The story of the beautiful art they made together.

I stand by the art. The film is as good a love story as any I’ve seen in the past decade or two. It’s also one of the grittier narratives tackling addiction, loss and its silent yet excruciating affect on those we love. Her acting is beyond (perhaps) what we expected, the soundtrack is unrivaled - maybe even since The Bodyguard.

So then, why won’t it win on Hollywood’s biggest night? Listen, The Oscars hasn’t doled out any honours yet, and I’m sure the Gaga/Cooper camp isn’t giving up until Best Picture has been read. But if you read the tea leaves, and if their track record at the most important milestones before The Oscars is any indication (and nine times out of ten it is) A Star is Born will likely walk away with the equivalent of a Grammy for Best Song. Shallow is almost undeniably the best song of the year (in any industry).

Do you want to know what I think? Well here goes: Hollywood is not the same as the music industry, therefore the strategy cannot be the same. Once in a blue, very blue moon do we see Hollywood embrace a first -timer, or someone who hasn’t (in their eyes) “done the work”. Remember how long they made Denzel wait, or on the flip side, how many times Meryl has won? Oscar voters are like the CEO that hasn’t noticed you for a decade, then you save the company’s ass in an all-important presentation and they can’t stop singing your praises. You have to do a million little things right over the course of years to be noticed and considered worthy of their highest honour. Sometimes, they realize they passed on great work and give an “oops we fucked up” award in a year that an actor/actress wasn’t as strong (ahem, Leo). But rarely do they flatter a first-timer with such a distinction. You know who loves breakthrough performances? The music industry. They almost prefer to award newcomers that had phenomenal years, over the ho-hum consistent artists.

Gaga showed her cards. She’s a musician through and through. She has lived, thrived and been accepted in that world for too long; it’s just different in Tinsel Town. If she doesn’t win Best Actress and Glenn Close does - everyone in the room will nod and applaud with fervid assent. If Gaga wins Best Actress over the journey (wo)man Ms. Close, there will be an awkward, almost offensive pause before a polite applause. It won’t be because they think Gaga’s performance was undeserving, rather, because it would be bucking a longstanding modus operandus for the Academy Awards. Akin, to say, if your grandfather up and decided one day to get rid of his 40 year old Lazy Boy. You aren’t unhappy about this decision, but you wonder if there’s something unsettling you should consider about this sudden change. Her acceptance speech would ring shallow (yes, pun intended) because she hasn’t been in the proverbial trenches for more than a year.

“You like me! You really like me!” is already taken, although it would have been apropos. Gaga was hoping Hollywood would embrace a new star, but she didn’t realize that she would be burning in a totally different stratosphere.

For me, it started (as it should) on the Red Carpet. Would the E! network entertainment industry incumbents traipse out with tired dialogue about how hard it is to choose a dress, or have we put that to bed after we worked so hard to change the rhetoric last year? The answer was yes and no. Yes, actors and actresses were asked about their art primarily, but no, we did not see the level of profundity that we witnesses when actresses brought activists as dates, or the “sea of black” that dominated conversion last year. It started so strong, and then took 20 steps back when we were forced to care about the did she/didn’t she say “she’s a bitch” hot mic moment between Chrissy Metz and Alison Brie. Apparently, girl-on-girl shit will always be something we feel the need to shine a spotlight on, instead of, say, the achievements of said women in their roles. If you must, listen to the moment again. It has to sound far closer to the word “bitch” for me to assume it was.

The hosts: this should be fun

Hosting Award Shows used to be considered the best job in Tinsel town. Do you think Steve Martin, Billy Crystal, or Amy + Tina ever bemoaned the invitation? You have to know that most late night talk show hosts, and definitely Neil Patrick Harris are more than thirsty for this role in any given year. When did that story change? In case you need a refresher, last year NBC took over the broadcast rights for the Globes. They didn’t seem to have any trouble enlisting hosts; last year it was one of their own in Seth Myers, and this year another SNL alum in Andy Sandberg. Joining him is Sandra Oh fresh off an Emmys moment. They had well written repertoire, their delivery was the right balance of authentic and audacious, and ultimately, I don’t think anyone was unhappy with the pairing. ABC now it’s your turn. Why in God’s name are you shamefully struggling with finding someone to deliver a 15 minute monologue and then ostensibly bounce for 3 hours?! It’s not like you don’t have a Rolodex of people under contract that could easily benefit from this position. Think GMA, hosts of The View, American Idol, Jimmy Kimmel, or the one person I can guarantee is knocking on ABC president Channing Dungey’s door every day putting her name in the ring: Tracee Ellis Ross.

The reason this topic lights a fire in my belly is because it should be and has always been a coveted role. How fucking fun does hosting look? Not only did Andy and Sandra make the role look like a blast, they were prepared and it showed. So give the Oscars to someone who wants it and will put in the blood, sweat and time it takes to make it look fun.

The presenters: jockeying for position

I know with every fibre in my being that there is no such thing as a Hollywood fluke. This industry’s playbook leaves no room for incidentals, which also means, that if you can sit at the table you can predetermine your own fate. If I’m Idris Elba and Taylor Swift, or William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman, Amber Heard and Taron Egerton, or even Nicole Kidman…I’m talking to my people about presenting earlier in the ceremony next year. The show went over its 3 hour time slot by more than 20 minutes, so at a certain point we saw presenters rush through their 15-30 second slot, or even have their lines all but entirely cut for time. Sexiest Man of the Year walks out with surprise guest, arguably the most successful pop artist this year Taylor Swift. All they allow time for is Idris to say “you look great by the way” and a nod from Taylor before “and the nominees are…”

It’s embarrassing. William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman came out and said “witty banter” three times before their “and the nominees are…” Nicole Kidman. Nicole KIDMAN ladies and gentleman, basically launched immediately into the nominee list.

So next year, I’m asking to present the best actress in a limited TV series or best original screenplay…and it’s going to be with Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph. Seriously, that has to be your game plan if you have any chips to play. The winners of the best presenter award of the night go to: Amy + Maya, Ben + Jamie Lee, Alison + Sam. All of these presenters had a schtick, were allowed to play it out in full, and were scheduled early on in the show (before the producers were cutting for time). Word of note for NBC, you can’t add a totally new lifetime achievement award (The Carol Burnett Award for Lifetime Achievement in TV) and think that you can still fit everything you want to into the same time slot. Give the ceremony a chance to breath; buy another 30 minute block and give presenters at least 30 seconds to give their role in this ceremony the veneration it deserves.

The winners: the road to the Oscars

The Golden Globes stands on its own as an Award Show; I hate to always reference the Oscars in the same breath. However, if the road to the Oscars is a golden marathon then the Golden Globes are like the Italian imported gilded gold tiles that line the final mile. Even with my limited time in the entertainment industry, I know that every studio’s road to the Oscars is strategic and faces a series of tests along the way. Every film in the running relies on a game play, often painstakingly mapped out by the studio almost a year in advance. You see first glimpses of this strategy at mid-year festivals like Cannes and TIFF, then once Award season hits these blueprints are put to the real test.

No one should be surprised (necessarily) that Green Book came out on top (winning 3 major awards) after such a strong reception at TIFF. It won the festival’s top honour, People’s Choice Awards. In the last decade, TIFF has been a pretty accurate litmus test for honours to come. So, while Lady Gaga made an enormous entrance and stunned audiences at every major festival this year, you have to wonder if that was the right strategy. If only to be a fly on the wall over at Warner Bros. Studios this a.m. after only walking away with essentially a Grammy (for Best Original Song) instead of an acting or directing award. I can’t imagine that Lady Gaga would have gotten the same kind of warm reception in the form of a standing ovation as Glenn Close did as the winner of Best Actress. That’s Hollywood for you; it’s not enough to give one great performance, you have to earn your spot at the table.

On the other hand over at 20th Century Fox this morning, they’re smoking a cigar and trolling all of the bad reviews for Bohemian Rhapsody - suddenly in the running for golden hardware. Rami Malek was always a contender, but for a film to not even have their director nominated in the category and win Best Picture at the Globes…Malek must’ve been better than I first thought. With that win, the Globes said one performance can carry an entire movie. That’s the kind of crazy high praise that has propelled Malek to the top of my Oscar pool.

To be fair, The Golden Globes are a totally different beast than the Oscars. They rely on a different panel of judges (the HFPA, which might explain all the love for foreign film making), and they categorize film + TV so that dramas aren’t fighting with comedy/musicals for top spot. While that seems like a smart way to introduce parity, it splits the odds for Best Picture and Acting awards when the Oscar nominations are announced. Mary Poppins, Crazy Rich Asians and likely even Black Panther won’t hold court in the Best Picture category. Which means, you might not see the likes of Lin-Manuel Miranda or Constance Wu as nominees. Before the Globes, I would’ve given Bohemian Rhapsody a 5% chance of being considered for Best Picture, but now in the court of public opinion it’s a front runner.

This business is infinitely intriguing. But it’s compelling not for shallow (yes, pun intended) subtexts, but rather for its labyrinthine layers that never cease to astound - and on such a big stage.

"Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

- Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

This is expressly true in a town where your name is your pay cheque, your legacy, your glut, and your piece of real estate on rag-racks and billboards. Without a doubt, Tinseltown loves to hear its own name. This is about as ambiguous as Elton John’s wardrobe.

Hollywood’s love affair with itself traces its origins back to the emergence of the Studio System in the 1920s. That’s when all the major studios became factories for film, and moved into Studio City, California. As a quick aside, Hollywood the place (not the idea) is a depressing cesspool. Sorry to break the 4th wall and tell you if you didn’t already know. The ‘burb of Hollywood in Los Angeles is like Niagara Falls - cheap tourist thrills, strip malls, neon lights losing their sheen and a thick layer of the settled dust of broken dreams. Studio City, Culver City or even Burbank are what people think of as “Hollywood”, just so we’re clear.

In 1927, The Jazz Singer became the first full length studio “Talkie”. It marked the end of the Silent Era. The narrative follows Jakie Rabinowitz, a young man who defies the traditions of his devout Jewish family. He wants to be an entertainer! He wants to be a Star! So he changes his name to Jack Robin, and headlines as a renowned jazz singer. He made it. The “town” (read: industry) embraced him. We learn that however deeply-rooted the struggle, ambition will always come in conflict with self. Baby, there’s nothing more Hollywood than that.

The Jazz Singer was the proverbial lit match on an industry already fueled by it’s own ego. At least thematically. From the top, Dale Carnegie helped me make a point about the sweet sweet sound of ones own name. Hollywood has the prosaic tendency to reward story lines where it is the “star”. I’ll save you the Google search black hole:

• Sunset Boulevard (1950) - 3 Academy Awards, 3 Golden Globes

• Singin’ in the Rain (1952) - AFI’s #5 Movie of All Time, 2 Academy Awards, 3 Golden Globes

• A Star is Born (1976) - 5 Golden Globes

• LA Confidential (1998) - 2 Academy Awards, 1 Golden Globe

• Adaptation (2003) - 1 Academy Award, 2 Golden Globes

• The Aviator (2004) - 5 Academy Awards, 3 Golden Globes

• The Artist (2012) - 5 Academy Awards, 2 Golden Globes

• La La Land (2017) - 5 Academy Awards, 6 Golden Globes

That’s not even mentioning films like Tropic Thunder, Hail Caesar, The Player, Mulhullond Drive, Bowfinger, Barton Fink or the two OTHER (now three) A Star is Born(s). The "making it" in Hollywood theme is played out, but almost always hits commercial, cult and/or critical success.

Tonight, I have a ticket to see the latest love story to Hollywood, A Star is Born. The darling of the Festival circuit will finally reach the big screen. If history repeats itself (like bell bottoms, platforms and the colour mustard) we will see A Star is Born at every Award show this season - as the legitimate front runner. I don't even have to have seen it to read the tea leaves. Even though it’s only been 2 years since La La Land, we are ready for more. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m like the ladies of the night that stand on corners in West Hollywood, ready to give Hollywood the ego-trip of its life for the price of a ticket. I’ll shamelessly say its name over and over and over again. Will you?

Did you notice the show was aired on NBC? As if it wasn’t the most painfully on the nose and overt shake up (typical of network television). There should’ve been laugh tracks and product placements. That would’ve been totally “on brand”. Anyways, Lorne Michaels was at the helm for this, the 70th Emmy Awards, and the cast of his show was the main event. I need to tell you that I love SNL. I love it for the one moment of pure brilliance that may or may not happen every week. There’s zero guarantee. Even in the Tina + Amy years. Even in the Kristin Wiig + Maya Rudolf years. Even with superstars like Kate McKinnon + Leslie Jones emerging more recently. There is not a single guarantee that your 90 minutes won’t be well or poorly spent. But I tune in every goddamn week with fingers crossed.

All this to say, that network TV is struggling to find its foothold in our content on demand zeitgeist. What do they have? Live. They have live sporting events, live late night, news, and live award shows. But Lorne Michaels knows the value of a strategic time slot. Sunday night is reserved for other live events this time of the year, like football…and end-of-summer patio life.

That’s my take on it. The show was on a Monday night because network TV won’t let “live” go from its cold, dying clutches without a fight.

If you watch award shows like they owe you something, you TOO could write pages upon pages of editorial commentary and one-sided discourse; I’m going to do something a bit different this year. 5 quotes. 5 thoughts. 5 snapshots of an annually important night.

“Ladies, when you use a public restroom, sit down. If you sit, we can all sit.” - Alex Borstein

Amen! Preach! Give that woman a goddamn medal or statue erected outside every washroom in every country in the world. I’m f*ckin’ serious. I’m printing this out in 48 Arial font and taping it to the back of every stall I enter in perpetuity.

You’re a PopWorm, so this statement means more to you than simply a public latrine’s “rules of engagement”. Ms. Borstein made me laugh, and then I got thinking; what if this was a comical yet poignant observation about women supporting women. Stay with me friends. The #MeToo and #TimesUp movement compel women (and male allies) to come forward and take action against inequalities, gender minimization and of course, sexual harassment at the hands of men. But we’ve long talked about women not being overly supportive of other women, particularly, in their fields. You don’t think, even for a second, that “if you sit, we all can sit” might resonate on a deeper, sub-surface level than merely a feeble attempt to curb women’s peeing etiquette? I do. I went there. And now, I’m printing out “if you sit, we all can sit” in hideous word art accompanied by an image of Rosie the Riveter or Michelle Obama and sending it to my local MP.

“I don’t even believe in God, but I’m going to thank her tonight” - Thandie Newton

There is SO much to unpack in this sentence! First, the joke of the night was that if you were Black, you’d thank Jesus. Then it started to get a little bit uncomfortable because people of colour were not winning in as high a percentage as we had (hoped) thought. So Thandie Newton wins for a show that didn’t receive any other serious nominations (let’s be honest with each other…you didn’t get through Season 2 of Westworld either), and she beat out a roster of heavy favourites (5 white women, 3 of which were in Handmaid’s Tale).

So the audience was waiting for the “I first need to thank God” trope. Instead, she pulls out a self-referential twist on the archetype (“Hey, I’m Black but that doesn’t mean I’m a Southern Baptist”), AND goes 90’s grunge on us with the "who says god is a MAN?!” proverbial middle finger.

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you going to love somebody else?”  - Rupaul

We were all a little bit concerned after there was an entire opening song and dance number dedicated to the “most diverse Emmys ever”, when award after award was given to a straight white man or woman. Things were getting awkward, and I didn’t think much would change as they announced the Best Reality/Competition Show category. Yawn, the ambiguously Aussie/South African/Brit/Tasmanian white dude who hosts The Amazing Race would no question be up there accepting the award again. I wasn’t wrong to predict this outcome. The show has beat out every other nominee in its category 10 out of 14 times since Reality/Competition Show has been a stand alone category! The only other show with a sniff is The Voice - it’s won twice.

So when RuPaul’s Drag Race was called to the podium, I’m pretty Twitter went down for a few minutes in the Red States. The rest of us? We sashayed along with the parade of inspirational, hardworking, and ridiculously fabulous artists behind the show that “has released 140 drag queens into the wild”.

“Thank you. It’s an honour just to be…Asian.” - Sandra Oh

I see what you did there Ms. Oh. She already broke ground (long ready for a break) by being the first Asian Woman nominated for Lead Actress in a Drama, and she showed up to REPRESENT. I wasn’t so much shocked that Sandra was the first Asian nominated in this category as much as I was shocked she hadn’t been nominated before for her work in dramatic television.

There are some really important conversations to be had about the tongue in cheek reference to the classic white actress false modesty “it’s an honour just to be nominated” paired with the surprise ending of “just to be…Asian”. We need these conversations to happen, and while I doubt I’m the person anointed to start them, I’m certainly ready to support those who are.

Here’s an exerpt from Asian-Canadian blogger Lainey Lui (and my personal Letters to a Young Poet-esque Sherpa):

“…it’s a big ass deal for many of us, born to Asian immigrants in North America, to hear an Asian woman say on a major awards show, at the top of the show, that “it’s an honour just to be Asian”.  These are not words we hear often which, maybe, is why we haven’t believed it often. And it’s often our parents who help us to the realisation. It was that way for me and I’m willing to bet that it was that way for Sandra Oh.” - Lainey Gossip

“Will you marry me?” - Glenn Weiss  

In all my years watching every Award Show known to humans (usually twice or thrice over), I’ve never witnessed a proposal! This was a MOMENT! Ho-hum, the Oscars Award Show wins an Emmy for it’s production. This weird, incestuous relationship is still like a calculus formula using letters and numbers….like, what? Anyways, a long-haired, seemingly innocuous fellow receives his award for directing the Oscars, and out of nowhere reveals he just lost his biggest fan, his Mother. A hush falls on the crowd, then he quotes his mother by saying “never lose your sunshine.” and swan dives beautifully into a proposal to his girlfriend sitting in the audience!

Hey, there’s no business like show business Mr. Berlin. And THAT was a Hollywood ending.

He holds the door open patiently, the celebrity goes from bowing to an adoring crowd to bowing his head to get into the backseat. Without breaking his stare, the police officer dryly delivers a line like, "Finder's keepers", or "A different crowd is waiting for you now, kiddo." You see it go down like that don't you?

If you're staging this for TV and you're in the props department, you'd need to do your research so that people like me don't catch glaring inconsistencies. The first thing I would look for is how many pages the dossier or rap sheet is. Chris Brown has had 18 police incidents in 9 years. Without the use of a calculator, that's two incidents every year since THE incident with Rihanna in 2009. Do your work. Look up those gruesome images of a battered woman at the hands of her then-boyfriend. It's important that you don't forget those images, even though Rihanna has spent the past 9 years building her image as a global icon for sexual empowerment, strength, and desire. Remember remember the 8th of February.  If only to remind ourselves that behind the celebrity, there is a human, beating heart. Even with all the money in the world, the adoration of millions, and the glistening facade of preeminence...there is pain, there is blemish, there are real-life issues that we can't hide behind a body of work. 

I was taught never to bury the lead, so make sure you read that introduction with full social consciousness, do your homework, and then come back for the lighter side of the article. The next part is the "Scientists are emBARKing on a study to find out if dogs know it's their birthday!" after the missing girl's remains are found story on the news. 

We know about Chris Brown's sorted past with the legal system. We almost giggle when we remember that Boy George has spent time in jail. We were there for the hot second Paris Hilton spent in the slammer. Celebrities and crime are synonymous. The best part about being born after 1816 (the first successful photographic image) is that we have a complete photographic history of celebrities and their criminal activities. Oh come on, it's at least in the top 5 reasons you're happy about being born after 1816. Smallpox is up there too. 

The term "criminal activity" is clickbait in some of these cases because Cher probably shouldn't serve time for her, erm, grievance. But let's get into this shall we? Here's a list of celebrities you may not know to have a dark criminal past:

Cher - Driving without a license
She was 13 years old, can you even? This is the best under-reported, oft-forgotten story! Before she was famous, asshole tween Cher borrowed her mother's car and ended up with a mugshot. 

Mick Jagger - Amphetamine possession
Juicy juicy stuff. Apparently, the police were tipped off that house-party-goers might be engaging in activities of the marijuana persuasion. And they were. Of course they were. Oh, and look it up: Police notes from that night cite that there was a woman by the name of Marianne Faithfull naked and wrapped in a fur rug during the raid. 

Al Pacino - Possession of a Concealed Weapon
My mind has a hard time pulling itself out of the gutter to explain this one. When Al was 20, he and his pals were pulled over by police because they were wearing masks and holding guns. Today, Al Pacino looks like a Grandpapa who orders pizza from the same place every Tuesday and can never remember his password for the internets. But as a young man, I have no problem envisioning him playing Mob make-believe games with real fuckin' guns. Oh, and in his mugshot, he has a popped collar. Of course he does. 

Suzanne Somers - Passing Fake Cheques
Yikes, this one seems a bit sad. That is until you remember that she was making BANK as Chrissy on Three's a Company in the 70's and 80's. Charges were eventually dropped when -get this - she agreed to reimburse the recipients in full. That was easy. 

Larry King - Grand Larceny
In all honesty, I need to let you in on a little secret of mine. If I was going down for ANYTHING, I hope it would sound as cool as "Grand Larceny". Holy eff that's baller. But it's Larry King - the suspender-wearing gargoyle from late night CNN! I never studied law (but I've watched more Law and Order than I'd care to reveal) so I had to look up what the charges meant: Larry was unable to pay back the money he owed a financier he was doing some work for. Womp womp. Sorry, but Grand Larceny should be much more interesting than that. 

Tim Allen - Cocaine Possession
Um. The Santa Claus got caught with snow in his nose? That's perfection. It's too good. I have nothing more to say.

Do these celebrities criminal pasts give you the shiver down your spine that Chris Brown's 18 counts of violence do? Yes, celebrities do really bad things (OJ, Mike Tyson, Robert Blake, Syd Vicious...I see you.) but do we have to wait until this guy murders someone to put him away? How about this question: does he have to murder someone for his songs to stop getting played on the radio, or for fans to show up for a concert?

Remember remember the 8th of February. 

Having listened to the album as many times as I have (which I can safely assume everyone else around this table has done), what’s your pick for first, second, third single? Would you agree with LWYMMD first, ...Ready for it? second, and Gorgeous third? Are you nodding, going along with the majority? That’s how it played out IRL, but that's not what we’re talking about today. Pretend it’s you advising Taylor (breathe, breathe), and you had the final say. What’s the first and all important line up of singles? In this business singles sell albums, so your choice has a grave reverberating effect.

Before we get serious, I need to make sure that we are playing from the same deck of cards. We aren’t choosing favourite songs from the album. Clean is my favourite 1989 track, but I wouldn’t release it as a single. Even though I want everyone to love the nuances of that song as much as I do, it would never sell an album and I’ve accepted that. It is one of the pieces that makes 1989 one of the GOAT pop albums - it’s a classic final track and honestly, I cannot tell you people how many times I’ve listened to it on loop. Like, I can’t. It’s shameful. Back to the conversation of singles - they are rarely the “best songs” of any given album, just remind yourself of that as you pick apart my choices and make yours.

Here goes. If it’s me, sitting at that table with Taylor, and probably her mom, and her new bayyyybeee (inside reputation reference there.), and top dogs from the Big Machine label (women in power suits, and chesty men wearing sport coats and blue jeans with faint southern drawls), here’s how I’d release her singles:

1. This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

I would have three major arguments for choosing this as the first single. First of all, it has all the watermark Taylorisms we have come to know and love (fine, obsess over). An anthemic squad of singers, check. Fairytale/Americana references (“Feelin’ so Gatsby for that whole year...”), check. Life themes  (...this song is about Kanye. I didn’t have to spell it out, but I wanted to make sure you got that.), check. A funny sounding pronunciation, (“...and here’s to my bayyy-beee…”), check. A spoken word line, plus a cheeky chuckle, check and check!

My second contention is that it is quite simply a stronger song than LWYMMD, but pretty much exactly the same thematically. Look at the lyrics side by side and tell me I’m wrong. I am not wrong. It’s a revenge song reminiscent of We are Never Getting Back Together, that with one hand sticks its metaphorical middle finger in the air, and with the other, holds a champagne spritzer with a flamingo stir stick. This rallies the troops. This is the call to arms that the Taylor Nation can get behind wearing cat shirts and red lipstick. LWYMMD shut down that kitty brigade; the track was intentionally disruptive but inadvertently divisive, saved only by its video. If I had fallen upon that song as the 6th track listing, I would enjoy it. Really. It’s exactly the kind of pulsating, pop-aggressive songs that I can blast in my headphones right before I go into the office to help me slay my first meeting of the day. This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things is the Shake it Off of Reputation, and the We are Never Getting Back Together of the RED album.

Finally, I would win over Taylor and mom with this last assertion: a rose by any other name. I could’ve made a strong argument that I Did Something Bad would be a perfect first single out of the gate, but guess what tips the jar? The name sucks balls. It’s dumb. You cannot come out of hiding as a bad ass with a song called I Did Something Bad. It’s pop suicide, and I don’t know why in god's great name someone didn’t tell her to rename it. How about just “Something Bad”? Don’t get me started - maybe that’s another game of make believe we can play together some other time. But the title of the track means something, and this is Why We Can’t have Nice Things is absolutely 2017 genius. It’s so on trend, it’s perfect for her demographic, it’s already a viral construct, and...fucking leave it to Taylor Swift to turn a beloved meme into a damn good song. I bow down.

2...Ready For It?

I have thick enough skin for the onslaught of insults I’ll take for this choice. The pick seems safe, and a little too agreeable...right? Well, I think the Tay-Team got it right releasing this track as the second single. It’s a solid second release. Remember that Blank Space was the second single off of 1989, piggybacking on the colossal success of Shake It Off. Are you starting to settle down and see the logic I’m using? Stop throwing shade for long enough to see that ...Ready For It? is VERY Blank Space, just as This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things is pretty freakin’ close to Shake It Off stylistically, and even contextually. My advice to Taylor would be: first you need a dancey banger (I barely knew her…), then you can release something grittier. Blank Space is pop music gold, but there’s a friggin’ reason why it wasn’t the first release. Trust.

Ready For It? should’ve acted as the first look at the “new Taylor”, or a glimpse into some of this albums sonic influences: electronic, hip hop - or hip “pop”, and synth. It’s not the best song on the album, but kindly remember, we’re not talking about that. The second release has a very distinct role to play, kind of like a middle child, as a follow up to the first (ideally) smash hit. What happened in this case, was that people were hoping the second single would be better than the first, or at least “more old Taylor”. We wanted a role reversal, whereby the expectations of the middle child was for it to be the first child. That’s what happens when you fuck up your first choice.

Heading into my third choice, I should tell you, this one caused me a buttload of mental anguish, and emotional conflict. I’m sure you’re feeling the same thing, so, we share an unspoken bond now. 1989’s third single was Style - how the actual fuck will the third single off this album ever live up to such lyrical virtuosity as “You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye, and I got that red lip, classic thing that you like…”? We can all agree that Gorgeous was one hundred percent the wrong choice...right?

Don’t Blame Me

This song NEEDS to be on the radio. It’s actually painful how good this track is. I’m genuinely in pain when I listen to it. So. Good. But that’s not the reason I chose it for the third slot, over say Delicate; this song is such a different sound for Taylor, but not in a provocative way. It shows growth and maturity in a way I’m not sure any other song on this album does. Adding electronic rhythms and hints of dance hall isn’t exactly fresh right now. It puts you in the same category as Selena Gomez, or Hailee Steinfeld - both are good pop acts, but they’re not exactly the ones pushing the genre further in any concrete or sustainable way. Feel me? Don’t Blame Me, at its peak, takes us to church. But it’s still so fucking sexy and laid back groovy a la Style. It’s also going to be crushing live. I can’t wait to see it quietly bring down the house in concert...and it will.

I’d be remiss if i didn’t say that I hate the title of this song. Delicate is such a pretty word. Don’t you wish Don’t Blame Me had a better title? Sorry, but it matters. Taylor should talk to her buddy Ed Sheeran about titling best practices. He knows. He knows it matters.

Look. The reason we are playing this little game is because I cannot stress enough how important singles are to the acceptance and ultimately impact of an album. 1989 will forever be considered one of the best overall pop albums of all time. Y’know why? That album had 7 (!!) single releases that landed top of the charts. Those singles proved that close your eyes, pick a song from the album, it could be a hit song. They were all hit radio play songs (except Clean, but you already know how I feel about that song. It’s special.) But it kicked off with the starting line up: Shake It Off, Blank Space, Style. Helluva line up. I think Reputation is just as great an album. I really do. But I take issue with the fact that the first single (in particular) was chosen because it was the most aggressive “fuck you Yeezy”. It was a highly emotional decision, and I blame everyone sitting around the table making that judgement call.

I stand by my choices. I have to assume the singles were debated, and strategized, and pined over by people far more knowledgeable than I am. In the end, the proof is in the puddin’...if Taylor wanted a song to break the internet and be the ONLY topic of conversation throughout the months of August/September. She did that. If the goal was shattering album sale records? She did that too. Guess she had the right people at the table.

You know me well enough by now to know that I've been tuning in to every Award Show (from Peoples' Choice to Critics' Choice) for decades. Plural. When questioned or discounted for my programming predilection, I fall back on my mantra, "Years from now, our generation will be judged, even studied, for the people that made "moments" and how we reacted to them." Award Shows, even after hours of vacuous red carpet chatter, hours of recapping "the best of", hours of ass-kissing and chips being played by the golden chip holders, are moment-makers. Now, after THIS Golden Globes, can you look me in the eye, and tell me that I'm wrong? 

Here were just some of the moments we need to remember, and react to (in no specific order, because that would go against the point we're all trying to make this year...):

1. Activ-dates

When you’re invited to a Halloween party, you have two options…don’t you? Find a quick prop at the last minute, or spend 80 goddamn hours hand making a costume that will be the resentful envy of everyone who chose option 1. This initiative is like that choice for me. If we're doing this, let's DO it. Emma Stone, Susan Sarandon, Meryl Streep, Michelle Williams, Laura Dern, Emma Watson, Shailene Woodley, and Amy Poehler turned a concept into something with serious weight and dimension by bringing activists as their dates. 

You should know them by name:

Tarana Burke, Ai-Jen Poo, Calina Lawrence, Marai Larasi, Rosa Clemente, Mónica Ramírez, Saru Jayaraman, and Billie Jean King.

2. Addressing the elephant on the carpet

This was perhaps the first "moment-maker", brought to you by Debra (ain't) Messing (around) and at the expense of a flabbergasted Giuliana Rancic. Listen, I'm not in the business of being mean, especially with this rainbow of amplified emotions I have as a woman post-Globes, but Giuliana wasn't ready. She asked a question she wasn't ready to hear the answer to. Debra Messing, Live on E! called out the pay disparity of the network...to a female reporter. Here's where I ask you to think about how YOU would've reacted? The truth is, if you weren't prepared, you would've done the same thing G did. Nodded and threw to Ryan Seacrest. If you had developed a matrix of potential scenarios you might encounter, and this response was one of them...you might have turned to the camera, and been another moment-maker. 

3. Big Little Lies

I often ask myself, was the production and release of Big Little Lies serendipitous, or totally on the mark because the people behind it were remarkably in touch with time and place? I don't know, but this story needed to be told, and it came at the exactly the right time. Childhood bullying, the strong facade that women wear along with their outfit for the day, marital rape, inter-gender power struggles, therapy? I tip my hat and my heart to all those responsible for translating these issues with such crushingly beautiful precision onto the small screen. The faces of this brave storytelling, was the ensemble cast, all of whom were nominated. I'm not starry-eyed enough to believe that their speeches weren't rehearsed to the nines, or perhaps even professionally written but I don't care. Remember, with me, a few of the powerful statements the winners made:

"This character that I played represents something that is the center of our conversation right now: abuse. I do believe and I hope that we can elicit change through the stories we tell and the way we tell them.” - Nicole Kidman

"Many of us were taught not to tattle, it was a culture of silencing and that was normalized. I urge all of us to not only support survivors and bystanders who are brave enough to tell their truth, but to promote restorative justice. May we also please protect and employ them,"  - Laura Dern

4. The Opening Monologue

As host, Seth Myers was faced with walking the thinnest tightrope conceivable over a gaping pit of burning embers. Imagine, for a second, if we were living in the years of Ricky Gervais and his particular brand of...taste. Maybe there IS an all-knowing God. How many re-writes do you think Seth and his team had to make at the eleventh hour - you know, after the most recent of hourly allegations had poured in...? How many people were involved to make sure the monologue was the right blend of malevolent and benevolent? I'm gonna say...a butt-load, and 99% of them were women. The 1% of course being, Seth himself, who pulled that tightrope walk off the best anyone could have. With a knowing look, and a furtive smile, he delivered "Good evening ladies and remaining gentlemen," as the opening line of the night. It was brilliant. He didn't tiptoe, he trounced all over the famous fuck-ups like Spacey and Weinstein...for 15 minutes. Imagine, being in that position, and not making a chauvinist ass out of yourself for 15 full minutes? It shouldn't be that hard to do, but for some reason, I'm chuffed AF about the uncommon achievement. 

5. Amen for Oprah

There may not be an order to this list, but there is a reason why I left Oprah 'til last. I watched, and re-watched, then read, and re-read her speech in entirety all week. I work with a group of highly-competent, diverse women on the daily, and all week any time we felt like we had had enough of criticism, or derision, or hostility...we said, "hell, we live in Oprah's America now." Because she made us feel. She made us think. She made us want (and ask for) more. 

I lived, even for just a few days, with that voice in my head - not the one that reminded me how much I hate my thighs, or how much more respect my male counterparts get when they walk into a room, or how much "ugly" happens every day around the world that I can't control. "A new day is on the horizon". That was the battle cry heard 'round the world the next day. But the entire speech had goosebump moments:

"...it's not just a story affecting the entertainment industry. It's one that transcends any culture, geography, race, religion, politics, or workplace. So I want tonight to express gratitude to all the women who have endured years of abuse and assault because they, like my mother, had children to feed and bills to pay and dreams to pursue. They're the women whose names we'll never know. They are domestic workers and farm workers. They are working in factories and they work in restaurants and they're in academia, engineering, medicine, and science. They're part of the world of tech and politics and business. They're our athletes in the Olympics and they're our soldiers in the military."

People ask why, in the face of abuse or harassment, people don't "speak up". I've tried to articulate this myself, but leave it to Oprah to just say it. This is the role we need people like Oprah, and Oprah herself, to play in our contemporary climate. We need Oprah, more than ever before, to be the reminder that people without a name are laying the stones that are paving the way to equality. We need to know the stories of Recy Taylor. We need to hear about people who were strong, even though they seemed like the "weak ones" or the "prey". We need to get mad, then we need to get better. Oprah for President? No. She needs to stay in this non partisan role. A leader, a patron of the people, and a bright spot in an otherwise glib cultural zeitgeist. 

She needs to continue making moments that people talk about and then rally around. This particularly memorable moment in time happened to be captured at an event often discounted for being tone deaf, high brow and grossly superficial. But that's exactly the point, isn't it? Think about the "kid" (or 30 year old) sitting on their "linoleum floor" (or 700 sq/ft apartment) watching this movement become celebrated - a force for unity and change, not a dirty secret rich people keep. All you can do is "...quote Sidney's performance in Lilies of the Field: "Amen, amen, amen, amen."

The HFPA isn't an acronym for a sexually transmitted disease or a performing arts high school. 

The Golden Globes and the controversial group that decides the awards, explained. [Thanks for clearing that up Vox]

Colour of the Award Show season? Black.

Golden Globes Red Carpet Fashion Blackout Puts Damper on Dealmaking [The business, exceptionally covered by THR]

What do Star Wars, Beauty and the Beast, and Wonder Woman have in common?  Estrogen.

The top three films of the 2017 box office all starred women [A fantastic read by Angie Han of Mashable Entertainment]

I met Harvey Weinstein in 2007. I was fresh out of Film School and given the (volunteer aka unpaid) job of a lifetime at TIFF as a P.A working the pressers. That year, The Weinstein Company was backing "I'm Not There" starring (I don't think you're ready for all this A-List...) Cate Blanchett, Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, Richard Gere, and Michelle Williams. That's where I met Harvey. I'm sorry, Mr. Weinstein. 

People love to talk later about how someone "gave me the creeps" or say, "I knew it all along", or even, "I'm not surprised one bit". That's what's coming out of the Italian-Imported, Artisan-Crafted, Beverly Hills Woodwork these days as allegation after allegation erode Harvey Weinstein's facade and reputation in Tinsel Town. Fuck it. He gave me the creeps, and I'm about as "shocked" as three of Seth Myers' female writers are.

The next year, I worked briefly for Jian Ghomeshi. I felt the same way about him. I avoided every opportunity to spend alone time with him, I made friends and traveled in groups. There was absolutely NOTHING at the time to substantiate this "je ne c'est quoi" urge to flight his very glance. But I did, and often I wondered if my lack of face time, or stunted, understated personality in his presence, cost me. 

I can tell you without batting an eyelash, that I would have commiserated and shared my feelings (as disjunct and inexplicable as they were) with anyone who made mere mention of the same. That, my friends, is why a ball of yarn unravels once one string is pulled. "They could've said no". Most of them DID say no, but these acts tend to happen whether you say they can or not. Haven't we watched enough Law and Order: SVU to know that often a victim doesn't say anything right away because they feel a) alone b) powerless c) ashamed d) crazy e) afraid f) weak g) stupid h) confused ... any victim could fill the alphabet twice over with the emotions they experience after someone with perceived or legitimate exulted power, makes them feel like easy, casual prey.

There's a reason Meryl Streep wasn't easy, casual prey. Or Jennifer Lawrence, or Kate Winslet. While some top-of-the-food-chain actresses are agreeing that Harvey made them feel queasy at times, or even that they'd heard rumblings of his extra-curricular leanings - it's mostly lower-tier female actresses, or writers, or P.As that witnessed him at his most dominant. They are the most vulnerable, the least likely to be "heard", and potentially, the easiest to pay off for their silence. Predators know these things. They are calculated. Oprah once interviewed a pedophile who said he could pick kids out of a room that had daddy-issues, low self esteem, gullible personalities, and even, the invisible characteristics most susceptible to coercion and fear. 

These women who have come forward are strong, defiant, and worthy of our utmost respect and gratitude. They are leaders. They are survivors. In no way am I saying that they are "the weak ones" picked out by a mastermind. He doesn't deserve that title any more than they deserve the judgement. They were in a position that was taken advantage of by someone who felt like Superman. A position that the industry at large (and we as supporters and consumers) needs to take a good long look at. Now, these women are unraveling his yarn, string by string, and THAT is heroic. 

"I grew up in a different time" is not an excuse. They are still putting 90 year olds in jail for being Nazis 75 years ago. And we're all like, "That makes sense. Rolf blew the whistle, he's complicit. That shit is still wrong and he should pay." Rolf kept his thing a secret because he knew the consequences, and he knew he was wrong. Harvey is about to realize the consequences, and rest assured people, he knows the difference between right and wrong. It's the same way you know it. The stuff you don't tell people? Probably the worst shit you've got. The stuff you're willing to PAY people not to tell? Shudder. 

Here are some Canadian resources for victims of sexual abuse: https://crcvc.ca/links/ 

Hello digital world. Your new record is 43.2 million. 

Taylor Swift's 'Look What You Made Me Do' Video Has Shattered YouTube Records [Thanks for keeping count Forbes]

There's something Rotten in Denmark, and it's not JUST the Emoji Movie.

The terrific and terrible summer 2017 movie season, explained [Vox breaks it down]

An interview with the visionary behind the infamous stock photo you've definitely seen.  

'Distracted Boyfriend': Meet the Stars of the Meme of the Summer [Bravo Seth Abramovitch, The Hollywood Reporter]

Big fat umbrella question heading into tonight: Whose night will it be? The host? The big winner? Or a Swift?

If you have a God-given soul, you must feel a LITTLE bit badly for KP. She released a new album, announced a world tour, landed a gig as the new Paula Abdul (said no one ever) on American Idol (ahhh, ok.) and that landed her the role of HOST of the VMAs. Big deal. Shirley Temple cheers all around for her management team. Then, August 18th followed by the mother fuckin’ eclipse. Not THE eclipse, as in the one Neil DeGrasse Tyson jerks off to…the pop industry eclipse. Taylor Swift blacks out her social media on the 18th, and suddenly, we don’t give a Bill-Nye -Fuck about the sun-moon once in a lifetime thing. Taylor Swift might come out of hiding, and no one is averting their eyes. The snake video emerges, and outshines the aforementioned natural phenomenon.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in Katy Perry’s camp. In times like these, I want to believe in reincarnation. Remind me – who do I have to pray to so that I can be a fly next? A very specific fly. The one sent on the mission (hurry! You only have 2 days gumshoe!) to overhear the conversation in Katy Perry’s condo/dressing room/Japanese doll decorated skype lounge…where Taylor Swift, with a 5 second video, just eclipsed everything she’s worked for this year. American Idol what? Swish Swish nope. New hair don’t care.

Tell me you get the shivers about the timing?! You do. It’s in your loins. 3 snake videos in 3 days, the new single drops on a Thursday taking us into a highly unproductive Friday, and then a Saturday that sees TSwift’s lyric video smash records on YouTube, take over Spotify, and dethrone Despacito on every chart for the first time in 10+ weeks. Now it’s Sunday, and the conversation around the VMAs is “will she, or wont she?” Dearest Katy. Take my advice. Don’t fuck with the sun.

So, go ahead and set the rules for tonight’s drinking game, or follow along with mine. I warn you, last year I almost finished two bottles of white wine…in a solo effort. I will raise a glass to following cup tipping moments: A Game of Thrones reference, an almost nip-slip, the mention or any imagery of a snake (let’s see how fast producers can pivot), a cut to a Kardashian or a Hadid, anything TSwift (a mention, an inference, a double entendre, an awkward KP shout out, etc.) a Canadian win (hometown proud!) and any cue card fumble. Let’s get Miley circa 2015 lit y’all!

****

THE SHOW

If your bets were on Taylor showing up to open the show, well, you lost. But perhaps the only other person in music who could play in the same arena did instead. Kendrick Lamar. If you’re like me, you immediately draw the connection to what Nicki Minaj tweeted at 11:31 on Thursday “Be humble.” Support for Kendrick over TSwift.

Kendrick goes all Orange is the New Black meets Karate Kid meets the Dragon episode of GOT. There are people in jumpsuits, karate outfits, and a grown up Drogon’s belly worth of fire everywhere.  I asked the question out loud, “are durags back?” to which my significant other said, “Careful, your melanin is showing”. Fine. I’ll just take it from Kendrick.

Producers give us the first cut to one of TSwift’s exes in the audience. That should’ve been in my drinking game! Calvin Harris gets to witness (no pun intended) his former’s big night. If I’m the producer, I’m remembering where he sits.

TSwift’s BFF (which one?) Ed Sheeran follows with his British Busker Dancehall hit that jumpstarted his big year. Is that Katy Perry, Justin Bieber or Ellen Degeneres singing along (Ellen, confimed)? Side note, there are still a few campfire-sized flames on stage – should we be concerned, or is pyro the theme of the night? Silly me. Of course, it is #GOT #Sun #TS

And our first look at the loveable goofball, Katy Perry. She’s contemplating going to space because, what? Like it’s hard? The best one liners in this piece are “ugh, there’s no reception up here” “don’t go to space, you’re not an astronaut” delivered by Kevin Bacon. Yes folks, that was the cream of the crop from that intro. Now she’s “back on earth” and talking light politics while Jack Antonoff eats a banana. I guess that’s a decent reaction, I could go for banana. As in, leave, eat a banana and come back to a performance.

Paris Jackson mock-quotes Trump, and talks zero tolerance for the KKK. When did she get a soapbox to stand on? I mean, good for her but, is her deal Emma Watson or youngest Kardashian? I’m not totally sure to be honest.

She gives away the first award for Best Pop Video, to the best RBFs of the night, Fifth Harmony. Maybe it’s because their fifth harmony Camila Cabelo is slaying on her own? They say this a momentous moment, thank god, their moms, and DJ Khalid (I think..?).

Hailey Steinfeld (Oscar nominee! Girl of the moment last year!) almost cries introducing her dear friend Julia Michaels. This girl has a wicked back story. She wrote songs for some of pop music’s most successful acts, then went out on her own and used her own voice as the vehicle. If you’re counting, that’s TWO credits per hit song. Bank! She’s such a pure talent…Um. What the actual Farrah Fawcett FUCK!? They cut her off. They CUT HER OFF and went to commercial?! I have just used every swear word in my repertoire to describe the injustice of this. VMAs, you made me use very bad words in front of my dog and I will never forgive you for that.

No mention of this travesty but, I can’t think about it anymore because….Taylor Swift’s new video is debuting and I need all of my brain power. Give me a hot second folks. I need this.

…

Ellipses because I need to watch that video at least 35 more times. I can’t talk about it right now. But it makes my pop culture lovin’ heart flutter, I’m twitterpated. That video warrants a shot by shot breakdown, which I can promise will happen…but I need 35 more uninterrupted views.

Composure Christine. Shawn Mendes takes the stage – with his perfect blend of Sheeran and Bieber with a dash of Pickering Ontario. We needed to remind ourselves again that pop music is fun, jump up and down with your friends, a little swoon-ey, and doesn’t need pyro to be everything your beating heart desires. The crowd loves him as much as I do and that brings me joy.

The producers OBVIOUSLY don’t love girl shit like the rest of us. If I’m running the show, Katy Perry is the first person to speak after THE video reveal. They buffered with Shawn Mendes. Sigh. They just don’t want the same things we all do I guess. Or, they were strong-armed by the unicorns chewing bubble gum forces (my bet is on the latter). Opportunity missed IMO.

Katy Perry “goes through her voicemail” where she “learns” about the Fyre Festival from her super annoying sounding “biatch”. If I search my heart, I believe Katy Perry hangs out with people who sound like that on VM. Lord, we could all do without out this shit. A model and Lena Dunham’s BF introduce, my girl, Lorde. That onion ring alias on Instagram story is one of my favourites of the year.

Lorde puts in a tape (cassette tape for the under 20’s) and dances to her own song like she’s in her living room before her 80’s themed prom? Bold. She’s not known for her choreography – rather the spastic movements that accompany the manic nature of her songs.  But this is super fun. I’m into it. I imagine I do this when I come home after “just a few drinks” and I don’t want to go to bed yet. Well, and, the pizza is on its way. We learn later that Lorde could not sing live tonight because she was on IV fighting off a crippling flu.

Can the phrase “What’s poppin’?” un-happen? Please. Kanye’s backup dancer plays in nicely to my drinking game. #AlmostNipSlip She and Pete Wentz introduce Best Dance Video to Alessia Cara for Stay feat. Zedd! #DrinkUp Canadian girl making me proud, and a little tipsy. I love that she’s wearing…kind of what I’m wearing: Track pants, a tee, and day two hair. She ends her acceptance speech with the new hashtag of my life #ThanksHumans

Katy Perry avoids a TSwift reference again by throwing shade at Bieber, and then feeding DJ Khlad’s elephantine ego by letting him come on stage. He and his infant introduce Fifth (can we still call them that?) Harmony. They wear sparkle suits and throw down the splits! That along with a “ghost” dancer being thrown off stage are big “what’s good?” moments in their performance. CC is NOT in the audience, she will be next year if her songs continue to get the play they do currently.

Did they just introduce Ludakris as “from Fear Factor”? Wow. This is really IS a “what have you done for me lately” industry.

He introduces the award for Best Collaboration to Taylor Swift and Zayne BEATING OUT Calvin Harris and Nils, er, Rihanna. Jack Antonoff accepts the award and allows me to drink a few times with more than one shout out to my girl.

Jared Leto gives an in memoriam to Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell. He’s probably the best fit in the room. Good on the producers for recognizing this, and good on Jared for giving a candid and appropriately toned down speech. He waits for everyone in the arena to stand up and watch Linkin Park performing at the 2010 VMAs. Nice touch for an award show that doesn’t usually show such tact. Cite: Julia Michaels tonight. Sorry, that was disgracefully out of touch.

KP’s best video piece of the night is followed by the host lowering herself to “Katy Petty” talking about Twitter regrets. “Wink Wink”. There is nothing wink wink about it. I’ve heard Katy Perry describes as a “woman who has never known a metaphor”, meaning she is on the nose to a fault. So, she’s talking about Taylor is what I’m saying.

Miley takes the stage after her return to monogamy and long blonde hair. She stays weird enough though. I mean, if you think having octogenarians on the stage dressed like they still sip Singapore Slings on the old Vegas strip, backed by toddlers on motocycles reminiscent of The Lollipop Gang is weird enough. It doesn’t really compare to what we’ve become accustom to – flying rainbow space cats, the foam finger!? Whatever, I’m into it. She’s just being Miley.

Who is this ‘foo singing “nah nah nah nah nah nah” and grinding up against Pete Davidson (a minor player on SNL) to get back at her BF? Don’t care. Next Award is for Best Hip Hop video and there’s no one else in this category besides Kendrick. So, he wins by default.

 #NipSlip #drinkUP

Demi Lovato isn’t at the Forum to perform live, she’s with us via satellite in Vegas. Why? She could be there. She should be there. But this isn’t the first time the VMAs have used this ploy to include artists on tour – Bruni Mars took to the streets for a West Side Story-esque performance just a few years ago. I don’t think she’s on tour. I think she wanted a pool full of bikini clad “fans” in blow up pool swans on her set. Can’t blame her I suppose. I might ask for a pool, or blow up swans.

Pink performs a mash up of all her hits. Rant warning: Is it wrong of me to think it’s an easy composition to sew together? In my opinion, her songs all sound the same. This is not a popular decision, but I don’t think I’m wrong. I think I’m unpopular. Her voice is undeniable, I just don’t love that the song writing borrows from the principles of the School of Nickelback. #sorrynotsorry

Ellen is here to give Pink her Video Vanguard Award. It sounds like the crowd is more excited to see HER than the woman she’s handing the award to. But Ellen is the most popular person in ANY room, or at least Ms. Congeniality. And she drops a GOT reference. #DrinkUP #OneMoreForGoodMeasure

Pink stays in her lane and talks about the marginalized weirdos that she speaks for. Pink is the Lorax, you know. I don’t hate it. But I can’t forget that when she was on Oprah in the early 2000s she called out other pop stars for being bad examples to young women because they were vapid, weak, and overtly sexual. Double standards are dangerous Pink. Britney is no less a role model than you are.

The only thing that could stop me from ranting further would be ANOTHER artist cut off during a performance! A guy named Kyle. New artist, obviously…but that will never make this right VMAs! Maybe show Taylor’s video again when we come back from commercials. That’ll help.

Instead it’s Millie Bobby Brown handing out Artist of the Year. Ed Sheeran beats out some super big names, but then he deserves to be in that conversation. He is consistently an artist how can’t help but churn out hits. I never turn his songs off. That should say something.

Vanessa Hudgens is relegated once again to the role of “oh yah, her” presenter. Ooo! CanCon Alessia Cara takes the stage. I love how her message is visualized on stage. She throws off her dress to reveal basic black, tears off her wig and shakes out what I like to call “day two” hair, and aggressively wipes off her make up. Side note: there’s a master mechanic in my neighbourhood that routinely pulls her lyrics into their sign. “The World Can Change their Heart” is the most recent. #OhCanada

When was the last time we saw Ke$ha? She looks…different. I am not in the business of being mean, so I’m going to focus on the fact that she sheds light on some dark and important topics for young people. Alessia Cara doesn’t take a very long breather, she’s back on stage teaming up with Logic and the Suicide Hotline Toll Free scrolled across the screen and stage.

….and we’re back. KP gives me a double fister (that sounds weird, sorry) but she references GOT and Ed Sheeran’s “friend”. An annoying trio gives Best New Artist to Khalid. I do not know him. But, then, two years ago I said, “New Artist of the Year goes to Fetty Whip or something”. Traditionally, winners in this category go on to become pretty big so, I look forward to knowing who he is next year.

Best name in Hip Hop, Lil Yachty, introduces 30 Seconds to Mars (enter my Boyfriend who has been absent the past two hours). Hey! I found one instance where Jared Leto doesn’t look ridiculously good looking. When he uses infrared lighting. It’s cool, and the new song is a doozy, but the whole thing gets real tired real quick. I have spots in my eyes.

A descendant of Robert E Lee is a pastor and holy eff – did the VMAs just step in and attempt to make up for all of the non-speak from the current government? It has certainly done its part tonight. They just brought up Heather Heyer’s mom, and in answer to my original preamble question, tonight’s story has been about picking up the conversation, the conch even, to speak out and say what should’ve been said. Most artists and presenters have made mention or brought out their individual soapboxes to address these most recent issues. More on this later.

After an emotional speech by a mother mourning the loss of her heroic daughter, a scantily clad, barely legal nobody introduces Joe Jonas and the Pussy Cats or whatever. Everything about DNCE makes me cringe, add Rod Stewart in a silver lamé suit and all my muscles have collectively atrophied.

Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot caps off the night by presenting the award for Video of the Year to Kendrick Lamar. Please look up the Kendrick Llama meme. It’s the kind of wordplay that gives me the best chuckle. Kendrick has had QUITE the year, so this is a no brainer decision really.

Host duties include a contractual spotlight moment. So Katy Perry gets to debut her lame-o concept for her retaliation song Swish Swish (Bish?!). Swish. Basketball. Get it? Of course we do, we’ve already established that Katy Perry is the least nuanced person in pop music. Nicki Minaj wins for best lip-sync of the night. Dudes, you don’t sing, why are you concerned about tone quality?

The night started and ended with Kendrick. You could say then, that this was his night. But I stand with the conclusion I made earlier: minus a few gauche moments, this night was about pop music stars taking a stand for or against something because they have a stage to do so. This is typical behaviour at the Grammys and the Oscars (you know, the serious awards) but the MTV VMAs? This is new ground. The only thing about it that makes me uncomfortable is the awkward juxtaposition of Nicki Minaj in striped pleather ass chaps against a somber socio-political platform.

As I ponder my crisis of disconnect, I’m going to watch “Look What You Made Me Do” about a dozen more times.

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.

- Buddha

#TeamBey was vanquished to a level that seemed to mirror the incredulity that was, The Election. How could this happen? Again!? I'll tell you how this could conceivably happen, and some of you won't like it. That's a warning. I had to illegally stream Lemonade. Before you wag your judgy finger at me - a lot of people did. We were forced to; what other choice did we have? Subscribe to Tidal? No thank you. So you see, that creates exclusivity (a shrewd business move), and (here's the part you're going to hate) less shared experience, therefore, less total impact. 

That was Beyonces choice. Exclusivity does not win the popular vote. These awards are different from their cousin industries of Film and TV. In those industries, exclusive art often gets put on a pedestal (think Birdman, Life is Beautiful, The Artist) because of its controversial, or even anti-popular status. 

But I think we're missing the biggest conversation piece of the night. We completely buried the lead with all this #TeamA #TeamB nonsense. It's a classic misdirect, and we should be ashamed of ourselves.

All night, in the biggest and most prestigious award categories, two women (solo artists) were the best of the best in music this year. The Grammys doesn't separate the males from the females, the solo acts from the bands, the country from the R&B in these top categories (Song of the Year, Record of the Year, Album of the Year). Based on the merit of your art, the sales of your product and the popular vote, anyone can win the highest honours in the industry, every year. Sit back and think about that for a second, because it's an ideal that people are marching for, fighting for, begging for in 2017. No matter your age, gender identity, race, religion, even personal style...you will be judged on equal planes. 

Seeing two women at the height of their artistry and career, at the top of the charts all year, being honoured side by side with men at the height of their artistry and career, at the top of the charts all year...should be the topic of conversation, no?

Yes, I would've been upset if my #Team hadn't come out on top, but that's certainly not exclusive to THIS race, to THIS competition, or to THIS year in particular. But Adele won, and she was #TeamBey. She made it about the success of the art, and the impact of the product, not the politics (the grey) behind the "show". By including Beyonce in her speech, she broke down the walls between the teams and gracefully addressed the grey matters: "best" is subjective, personal connection never is. That's the rare beauty of art.

Remember this Bey fans: awards are given out for volume of sales and the popular critical vote. These are not expressly subjective parametres. But hey, your connection to the art is what most artists truly care about. If Beyonce was sharing her story with such intentional exclusivity, then perhaps the very fact that you connected with it was the point. I'll let that linger.

Ladies, our team friggin' won. Two females dominated the music industry this year, and that's something we're still waiting for in other industries. It was Girls' Night at the Grammys, and if we've learned anything from Taylor Swift during her 1989 run, squads are better (and far more powerful in their inclusiveness) than teams.

It's Britney, Bitch.

Those words used to have so much 'oomph', so much audacity, so much swagger. Does it remind you of something, or someone? Don't you think Beyonce would've loved to coin that for herself—particularly at this stage in her game? It's Beyonce, Bitch. That's Beyonce right now. 

But lately (for almost a decade) Britney is having trouble saying those words with anything close to the GI-Jane-suck-my-dick-gravitas that other female industry powerhouses can. Amy Schumer could say, "It's Schumer Bitch", Taylor could say "It's TSwift Bitch" (not that she would, lezzbe honest), even, sigh, Kim Kardashian West could throw down an "It's KimK Bitch", and we'd totally believe the dauntless air of empowerment from each of them. But Britney is fragile. She has the credentials, but lacks the credence. Where was the Britney Bitch when she lip synched her own Carpool Karaoke last week? Where was the Britney Bitch at the 2007 VMA Awards (I'm sorry, I can't unsee that. No one can.), and where was Britney Bitch on stage at the VMAs this year—when she, in an unfortunate game of scheduling roulette, was slotted behind Beyonce. These are the time she needs her Bitch most, and she consistently can't muster it. 

For some inexplicable reason—we let her back in. Like the prodigal son. It's almost biblical. We (that's me, that's you, that's all y'all late 80's kids) lie in wait with rose coloured glasses, prognosticating a divine comeback—the return of our generation's Bitch.

Well, her new album, "Glory", is pretty damn good. Admittedly, if I search my heart it's probably pleasing me the same way a new Selena, or Justin, or maybe a Halsey album would. It has that electro-pop sound that's so popular with the kids and hipsters these days. The pre-drop slow jam beat courses through your veins, forces you to sway, put your hands in the air, reminds you of outdoor concerts and summer festivals, and the hooks are solid ear worms. Seriously, listen to "Make Me..." one time. One time. But it's good; it's current. That's what Britney used to represent—the bar-setter (and raiser) of mainstream pop performance. It used to be art. 

Her pals over at RollingStone Magazine call her album "a fantastic comeback", describe Britney as a "true pop visionary", and reverently compare her recent phase of maturity to Madonna, and Elvis. I call that a rave review from the poetic penmen who have previously described Britney's work as, "...ginormously pumping uber-Euro uber-disco: sky-sucking synth streaks, a beat that sounds like blimps fucking and a thousand shirtless drunken sailors chanting along on the chorus." Damn, that gives me shivers. 

Here's where I defend her legacy. Not just because I'm clouded by the nostalgia remembering the first time I heard "Hit Me Baby One More Time" (at a roller rink in the suburbs east of Toronto, age 11), or because I have a compulsion to argue that she may have 5 of the best pop songs ever made in her repertoire. Her legacy and influence in this industry doesn't hinge on singular clumsy performances, awkward interviews or moments (ok, years) of clinical psychosis.

No.

This woman has been the most famous pop star in the room for two decades. She was Selena + Justin before they had all their adult teeth. She kissed a (Material) girl five years before Katy Perry released her naughty pop vehicle. She brought an anaconda onstage 13 years before Minaj attempted to. She has, by my count, 7 RollingStone covers (one can change or make a career). She makes $500K per show in Vegas, because she sells enough tickets to warrant it. She's sold 33 million albums in the U.S (I'll save you the Googling exercise—that's fourth among female artists, all time). My argument isn't longevity—it's originality. 

So yes, her 9th studio album is an important "comeback" for Britney. But I would argue, whether "Glory" smashes previous records, receives critical acclaim or stands up to other female pop acts in the industry right now, Britney's status remains unwavering. 

Remember when Taylor Swift was labelled "a crusader" "dominant" and "a pop-cultural empress"? 

Taylor Swift: Apple Crusader, #GirlSquad Captain, and the Most Influential 25-Year-Old in America [bravo Vanity Fair]

Why Kanye might be hubby of the year (all time). #dawww

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Are Everything #RelationshipGoals Should Stand For [thanks E!online]

For you film nerds out there. A shot-by-shot breakdown of the budding auteur Kim KW. 

A Close Reading of Kim Kardashian West’s Latest Film: Kanye and Taylor’s Phone Call  [brilliant Sam Donsky, The Ringer]