In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains.

"The Boxer," Simon & Garfunkel

Well, our dear blog circle is winding up in the next month or so, and I've been in and out a bit, but mostly so, so pleased to be part of this wonderful project and part of this amazing group of women and photographers. It's humbling really to be surrounded by so much talented and to be so welcomed by them. Please continue along the circle by enjoying the beautiful photos of my friend Carrie Geddie. She'll knock your socks off!

*For my film-y friends, this was shot on a Pentax645n with Kodak TriX, processed by Photovision Prints at +1.

Oh, hello. Long time no see. :) We've had a bit of a summer, and as some of you may have noticed, I completely missed last month's edition of One Kid, One Roll, Once a Month. I missed you guys. Truth is, for various reasons, I'm just not picking my camera up much these days. It's okay. Breaks are good. I'm usually a month behind with these posts anyway, but I didn't want to let another round pass me by, so this time I dug deep into the archives to bring you some photos from our trip to Sweden in late June. Does it help that it felt like September in Virginia?

For part of our trip to Sweden we stayed at the best AirBnB on one of the islands in the archipelago and rented a motor boat from our hosts. Those were our happiest days, really, and Cal's happiest moments were behind the wheel of the motor boat. If he likes driving, he loves powering that boat even more. I'd hoped to get some "action" shots for one of my submissions to our blog circle, and our days on the Baltic Sea provided me with the perfect opportunity.

This post will be my last on SPL as it stands. I haven't been completely idle while this spot stood silent. There's been some behind the scenes work as I've tolled away at a new site for laurenkeim.com (still under construction). still + life will still exist as the storytelling portion of that new site, but nothing more. I'm excited for these changes and I hope you'll follow me along as I dip my toes back in the online world and start a new journey.

Next up in our circle is the lovely and inspiring Tricia Boutelle. You can find her at Tricia Boutelle Lifestyle + Photography. The way she shoots her family always slays me.

Ah, the Ninth Grade Formal. It seems like ages ago. I know I'm taking a bit of a hiatus, here and everywhere really (except for maybe Instagram), but I can't not participate in my beloved One Kid, One Roll, Once a Month project. I knew when Cal's Ninth Grade Formal rolled around last month that I'd be using those photos for this project for sure.

At Cal's school the Ninth Grade Formal is a Big Deal. Whew! As big as I remember my Jr/Sr Prom in high school. He went with a great friend of his (with her permission, I'll share those photos in the next little bit), which is the best way to do that kind of thing, and they had a blast, it seems. Cal had been wanting a suit for ages, so we used the occasion to buy him one as a graduation from middle school gift. Somehow he ended up with two. That kid always swings a deal.

I used the occasion to take some more formal portraits, which I loved doing, and could do more and more I think. Portraiture = scary for me, but also portraiture = a way to push myself and fun. I'll take some volunteers if anyone else wants to get in front of the camera. Anyone! ;)

My friend Amy Bethune comes next in our circle. I think her kids are so stunning. I can't wait to see what she's up to this month!

All I wanted for my birthday present this year was to go to the mountains. In true grass-is-always greener form, I grew up longing for the beach and counting days each year for our summer beach vacation. Now that I live near the ocean where the land is a super flat 9 feet above sea level, it seems all I dream of are rolling hills and the endless vistas of far-away peaks. All (!) I asked was that we go to mountains, and that I not be in charge of any of it. 

So one weekend in May, we picked Cal up early from school, put him behind the wheel and headed west toward the Shenandoah National Park. Partly for our own pleasure, and partly to give Cal some stick time, entered the park at the southernmost tip of Skyline Drive. The lodge we were staying at, Skyland, was roughly at the center of the park, and at 35 MPH, we were told it would take us roughly two hours to reach the lodge.

We took our time. With 75 overlooks along the drive, even I didn't need to stop at each one, but it was hard to pass them up. Neel and Cal, who regularly humor me (and my cameras) knew that this was part of the goal for the trip and they were even more accommodating than usual.

Skyland Resort, where we stayed, was perfect. Things aren't often perfect, but Skyland was. While Neel checked us in, Cal and I sat in rockers in the main lodge and looked out over the valley to the west.  We also checked the animal sighting log book which included lots of deer, chipmunks, a few bear and even a mountain lion! (!!) Our room was a short drive deeper into the valley, but still walking distance to the dining hall, which featured Virginia beers and wines and amazing views across the valley. Our room key even had a tiny flashlight in case our dinner lasted until after dark. (Breakfast was pretty tasty too, by the way.)

Saturday we spent driving. I spent it shooting. We took a hike to the falls that are pictured in my last post (maybe not our best move just a few days out from the flu) and drove the length of the park. We'd been hoping for a repeat of gorgeous stars we'd seen the night before, but we were graced with a stellar thunder storm instead. Fair trade. After the storm, having heard that we'd see bears at twilight, we headed out. Cal drove while Neel and I promised to keep our eyes peeled. Of course Cal spotted the bear. A cub, darting back into the woods. Score!

Next morning, on our way down the mountain, Neel pointed to a sign shaped like a bear on one of the low rock walls that are common along the side of the road. And then the sign hopped of the wall and ambled across the road in front of us. So, two bears. Super exciting.

I hated to have it end. I can feel my heart tug toward those peaks and valleys, and I don't want to have to resist. I'm lucky to live in a place where resisting isn't completely necessary. Blink, and I'm at the ocean. Turn around, and I'm standing on the mountain top. Thank you, Virginia.

Film Notes: Part of the whole exercise for me was simply to enjoy photographing this beautiful space, and to that end, I took three cameras. My 35mm Canon Elan, my Mamiya C330 (whose shots you can see here at Clickin' It Old School) and my Pentax 645n. The Pentax and the Mamiya are both medium format cameras, which have larger negatives than the 35mm. It's really interesting to me (yawn, to the rest of you) to see the difference between the photos from the 35mm and the medium format cameras in this post. Same film, same location, often roughly same time of day. For lots of reasons, I love each of those cameras, but there's no denying that there's a depth to those medium format images that the 35mm images just don't have. Food for thought.

We're headed out on another trip tonight. The dogs are skulking about suspiciously, knowing that when the suitcases come out, the pet sitters come in. And no matter how beloved our pet sitters, our dogs are still suspicious. With a hound and a corgi in the house, "worried" is the default. I know I haven't tended this space well of late, but I'm hoping that with a few weeks off, I'll come back renewed and inspired. In the meantime, I'll be hanging out on Instagram as we travel. Hope to see you there.

I've been taking pictures for a long time, but it wasn't until I found the film community that I'm currently part of that I truly felt that I'd found my tribe. I have very close photographer friends here that are local to me, and I'd be lost without them, but within my group of film friends I know I can go with any question, no matter how dumb (or how often it's been asked!). I know I can dip a toe in a new style or technique and be lifted up with love and support. I know I can chat (ad nauseum) about the merits of different film stocks, shooting styles, cameras and metering modes.

It's a beautiful thing.

So yesterday, my friend Lea from Love Me Simply Photography asked one of my groups, What do you do when you're in a funk? She'd been feeling stuck lately, and even with some unexpected free time, she wasn't inspired to press the shutter. Several of us chimed in with the various ways we all get un-stuck (because let's face it, getting stuck happens to everyone!), and she has compiled those brilliant ideas into a wonderful blog post filled with inspiration and tips just the push you need to get you going.

As you know, I have opinions. I encourage you to check it out here, to see what thoughts I have on the subject, as well as the thoughts of some brilliant creative people who are way smarter than I am.

We headed to the mountains as a late birthday gift for me last month. It was pretty much the best present ever. I grew up near the Great Smoky Mountains, and here, in Coastal Virginia, the topography doesn't bump or ridge much above 9 feet above sea level. We're flat landers now. I'll do a post on that trip soon since I have lots of photos to share.

These One Kid posts have grown to become as much about my photographic journey as they have about Cal, and as I look at them and love these shots, I see so much truth in myself as a photographer. When you first start to take photography seriously, and I see this in my students all the time, there's a push to consider going "pro." And if not going pro necessarily, then specializing. Finding your niche. Weddings. Boudoir. Newborns. Family. Street. Food. Still Life. Landscape. There's a tendency to want to do it all. So many things to try.

I could write a million posts about my journey, my continuing journey to find my voice, and someday I will, but when I look these shots I think specifically about the difference between lifestyle photography and portraiture. I love lifestyle photography. Capturing a family or a people in real, seeming unscripted moments. Do I love shooting it? Not as much.

I knew over the course of this yearlong project I wanted a more unscripted month where I caught Cal being Cal, but the truth is, I feel like I enjoy the process more and really capture him best when I'm shooting true portraits. Go figure! Am I glad I have these? Heck yes! Will I do it again? Probably. The year is long, after all. But boy, I learned something big this month.

I've been intrigued by portraiture for awhile, and I think about dipping in a toe, but how? I'm awkward and shy! I know I'll rely on my army of film shooters to guide me and my favorite subject to keep practicing on.

The deets: Kodak Portra 160, shot on a 35 mm Canon Elan7. Developed and scanned by the FIND Lab.

Our circle grows more amazing each month, and after me you can find the lovely Tricia Boutelle, Lifestyle and Photography. She has a daughter the same age as Cal, and I just love that!

I'm so excited to tell you that some of my images have been featured on Clickin It Old School, a site that shares photos from old and retro cameras. I'm sharing some photos taken in the Shenandoah National Park on my beloved Mamiya C330, a camera made in the 1970s. I hope you check them out and enjoy!

Last week, during the hectic bustle of exams, we turned the tables on our normal carpool and I drove the crew in for a change. (Cal normally rides in with his two besties and their dad, who teaches at his school.) Even though getting in the car and driving messes with my normal morning routine of slowly sipping coffee and eating eclairs in my jammies (I kid! I kid!), I love running those guys into school in the mornings. There's a chance the dad of this crew will be Cal's English teacher next year (fingers crossed), and we learned the story behind why they chose The Sword and The Stone for 10th grade summer reading. For a fair trade, we told them about Neel's love affair with the Grateful Dead.

We started by telling those guys about The Grateful Dead channel on satellite radio. Neel pooh-poohed it at first, but now he's in love. Cal and I joke that we can turn it on at the start of a song in Norfolk and maybe just finish it by the time we get to a Phillies game at Citizens Bank Park, six hours away. A concert could last us the whole drive to Nantucket.

Neel loves the Grateful Dead station now. He loves it so much that even if he's simply moving the car from the driveway to the street in order to mow, he turns the radio to that channel. Loud, too.

Jerry Garcia was still alive when we lived in Pennsylvania while Neel was getting his PhD and the Dead was still touring. Neel and a friend hit up several concerts in the area, trading their lab coats for tie die and heading out to shake off some of the stress of academic life. I stayed home. One trip to the old RFK stadium in DC involved getting lost, and why is it that trips to RFK stadium always involve getting lost. They turned in at a gate to ask for directions, but that gate happened to be The White House.

Neel: Uh, we're looking for RFK stadium. For the Grateful Dead concert.
Guard: I'm sorry sir, this is THE WHITE HOUSE.

Traffic was miserable and moods, unless you were actually headed to the concert, were miserable too. On the nearly-stopped freeway, a truck filled with construction workers pulled up next to Neel and his friend Joe to ask, What the hell is going on? When Neel explained, the construction worked, said simply, "Well, I'll be grateful when they're dead."

We don't feel that way by a long shot, and Cal, dare I say, is gaining a growing appreciation. To some songs at least. I'd say he feels about The Grateful Dead the way I feel about a lot of things he and Neel are into (The Simpsons, King of the Hill, war movies, chicken wings): small doses. Small doses are key.

Because let's face it. You can take the tie die t-shirt out of his closet but not out of his heart.

I was all set to write that story about Neel that I mentioned last week and I realized I couldn't just jump back in without taking a moment to say thank you. Did I mention? 2015 can suck it. But you people? I may have mentioned this too. You never fail to lift me up. Slowly, slowly I'll work my way back to the land of light and love and connection.

I spent a little time trolling the internet this afternoon trying to find a suitable quote for gratitude. None of my favorite poets had just the words I wanted. But then I popped on Instagram, and Brian Andreas was first in my feed with the perfect words.

I don't remember when I
first thought to look back,
but it took my breath away
to see that all the time
we walked together, you
gathered our pieces to your
heart & made the world whole.

Thank you. And that story of Neel? Try back Thursday. It's pretty sweet.
 

So, on Instagram on Sunday I mentioned that I woke up with the slip of a poem about grief escaping my brain just as quickly as the previous night's sleep. It took a day for me to find the few words I needed to do a Google search, and here are the first two lines. It's by Margaret Widdemer.

“Pain has been and grief enough and bitterness and crying,
Sharp ways and stony ways I think it was she trod..."

In my mind, I had worked out a funny post about Neel with a great story to tell you guys today, but the truth is, we're snowed under here. On Saturday, I spent a really lovely afternoon with my friend Artemis learning how to mold fondant (!), and on the drive home I passed what looked to be the tail end of something messy and ugly. I have no idea what happened, but a small child was splayed out on the sidewalk, flat on his back, his mother (I assume) beside him. He was not moving and his head and the ground all around his head was terribly bloody.

This is an urban neighborhood and right away I couldn't find a place to park so I could stop and help. I took a quick trip (no more than 30 seconds) around the block, and by the time I returned, the paramedics were there. I didn't linger, and I have no idea what ended up happening.

As I drove the rest of the way home, I thought, I'm tired of holding my shit together. Sure, it's exams, it's end of year festivities, but it's more too. Some stuff, I can share with you, like the fact that Cal seems to be sick again, and I'm beyond frustrated for him. Other things, one after the other, things that have impacted my family deeply, I am not really at liberty to share.

Sharp ways and stony ways right now.

So I'm taking a few days to get things set straight as much as I can. I'll save the Neel story, and I tell you about this new stock of black and white film I've tried another time. Isn't it fun? Very old school, I think, with all that dreamy grain. Getting film scans in a day early was just the best start to my week. Thanks for always be here for me, my friends. I owe you responses to all your gorgeous comments. I'm here, I'm here. And you always are. XO

I'm in the tiniest of windows between my classes ending for the next six weeks or so and our dramatic shift into Cal's exam schedule (half days). I have TWO DAYS people. I had all sorts of plans to battle the house cleaning and tackle the ironing and generally get caught up after months of work and illness, but I've spent most of the morning looking at cameras to take on a trip we have coming up next month. I'm telling myself that I needed the break. There's always tomorrow, right? I can iron when I'm dead. I'd still rather not.

So as you can see, time is of the essence. I have all sorts of things I need to do, but there are lots of things I want to do as well. I'm just coming off wrapping up a run of two successful classes. Well, I think they went well, at least. I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of teaching my Introduction to Digital Photography course, and after a year, I feel like I have a really good class pulled together. I love teaching. I love teaching it, and after a year, I feel like I've taken the course that my friend and mentor lovingly tended and made it my own. Each session I meet wonderful, amazing and talented people, and that's a pretty enriching way to live my life.

This winter I added a class that focuses (har har) on composition, which is my true love in photography. I've had two runs of it, and I think and hope that it's gotten stronger each time. There's still work to do on that one, I think. It's all good. Labor of love and all that.

I'm only teaching Intro this summer. Partly that's by necessity, since we're traveling so much, but it's also by design. I'm working on a new class for the fall which will be an extension of my Intro class. Digging more deeply into your newly found technical skills. I'm excited about it. And needless to say, I've been thinking about it a lot. What I want to teach, and what I think is important to learn.

When I was first learning to shoot film and immersing myself in everything I could read, I got my hands on Sherri Koop's eBook FILM. I love it. It's still one of my go-tos for both education and inspiration. One of the things she talks about that really struck me is to shoot your everyday. Don't save your film for special occasions; use it for the everyday moments.

I thought that was pretty smart, so I jumped into that plan enthusiastically, if not wisely. I shot a lot. But I wasn't taking care with my shots. I wasn't necessarily smart about what I shot, so I got a lot of crappy shots. When you're shooting film, that's practically sinful. (Hangs head in shame.) So I tried to rein myself back in (seems I'm always reining myself back in).

And I found myself thinking about this experience a lot as I let my brain run free in mulling over creating this new class and continuing to improve my Composition class. What did it teach me, and what do I want my students to learn? I talk about patience a lot, but mostly in terms of having patience with yourself. Learning photography is hard! I think as I move along with this, I might shift that some to be about patience for getting the shot. This is also hard.

So much about good photography lies in this kind of patience, and so much of that is about anticipation. Wait for it. Wait for it. And then, THERE! I'm not the best at that kind of patience. You can see from some of the shots above that I tend to worry that the moment can pass me by. I take too many shots instead of trusting myself, trusting in patience and anticipating the moment. You know what else is hard to learn? When to say, no there's no shot here for me today.

I'm still learning. The more I teach, the more I learn that, and honestly, that's just the best thing! And now I have the thread, the germ of an idea, so if you're one of my students this fall or later next year taking Composition, get ready to think about anticipation. I'll be thinking about it a lot between now and then.

I sometimes have to remind myself that I've only been going at this film business for about six months now. I want to be further along. I want to have mad skills and to know things about myself as a film shooter. What's my go-to camera? What's my go-to film? Truth is, I'm still learning all this stuff. Still working on figuring things out. A lot of experimenting going on.

Experiments mean frustrations. I've had a frustrating few months shooting film. Lots of missed focus (old eyes or struggling camera?) and lots of wonky exposure. Just when I think I'd "get" something, I'd get a batch of film scans back to prove that no, Lauren, you're not there yet. And doing some of the hard and necessary work I needed to do to really learn the fundamentals of understanding film meant some of my joy in the process took a back seat.

I sometimes forget not to try to do everything at once.

Through it all, I just keep shooting. Trying new things. Like a new-to-me camera that's giving me some dreamy images (when I can focus the damn thing), and a new-to-me film that will hopefully replace a film that I've decided definitely does NOT work for me. Ah-ha! One decision made.

Shortly after we headed out to the beach to take these photos (Lord, after this winter I was ready for some beach shots, and this kid is always happier to have a glove in his hand), we had move-up night at school. Upper school at Cal's school starts in 10th grade, so we were hearing about how things will change in the shift from middle to upper school. We heard all the things a parent wants to hear, but one thing really struck me. After all the talk of the things that matter most, communicate, be responsible, blah, blah, blah, the upper school head said this: take some risks. Don't be a guided missile, she said. Don't think you have it all already figured out. Of course she's not talking about all the risks that parents dread. She's talking about spreading your wings. Join a club you wouldn't expect to. Take a class you think you might not love. Take another that's outside your comfort zone. Now is the time.

This seems like such smart advice. Not just for my kid, but for me too. Cal is always willing to try new things; it's one of the things I'm proudest of him for. And seriously, this whole film business is a *new thing* for me. Why shouldn't I continue to take risks? I think the key needs to be maybe one risk at a time. Not seven or eight all at once. Overwhelmed Lauren is not happy Lauren. Oh, and as usual. Leave these photos alone for awhile, and what I once hated, I fall in love with.

I continue to adore this project. For the way it pushes me and pushes us, me and Cal, to work together. If you keep going around the circle, you see some more amazing photographers and amazing families, starting with Amy Bethune. I LOVE her stuff.

Holy flu, batman. Like, seriously. Last Thursday, I was strolling along the oceanfront with my Composition Class, slightly raspy, and by Thursday evening, halfway through an email I started feeling chills. Within the hour, email still unsent, I was in bed with a 103º fever.

Let's not do that again shall we? On Mother's Day, I dragged myself to lunch no matter how bad I felt (and you would too for chicken and waffles with red velvet waffles with maple cream) but halfway through, Neel developed a fever. We're so glad Cal is driving now! We could barely make it home. That's just how we roll around here.

But let's talk of better things, shall we? Not my ongoing raspy cough, or how much my chest hurts or how I've taken to using my kid's inhaler. How about we talk about clear blue skies. Wide, white sand. And the clear green waters of the sea? Oh, and my underwater camera.

That.

She squeals gleefully. We spend so much time in and around the water here that I have long wanted an underwater camera, or at least an underwater housing for my digital camera. Uh, have you seen how pricey those things are? I mean, I know we could GoPro it, but that just didn't appeal. Fits Cal's demo more than mine maybe.

And then I saw this article. And then I frantically/excitedly/gleefully started asking around. And then enter the Nikonos. Designed as a diving camera in the 1960s, and built like a tank, this guy can go fully underwater or shoot some sweet pictures on top of the waves. If I tell you it felt a little weird to walk into the Gulf of Mexico carrying my camera, will you believe me?

But oh, such sweet images. And on my first try! This little guy is a trick to master, so I'm looking forward to spending a lot of time together this summer. Toes in the sand.

All images shot on a Nikonos V with Fuji Superia 400.

I said in my last post that our ratio of beach to ballpark was skewed ballpark and I needed a bit more beach. Live and learn. We got in the water one afternoon (come back Tuesday for those pics because I'm THRILLED!), and that was it. Walks every morning and evening, and a hotel that overlooked the Gulf of Mexico just aren't enough for me apparently. Such a whiner.

I think we'll do it a little differently next year. Build in a beach day. Send Cal to the ball park on his own. Regardless, I was so grateful to have my film camera with me on my trip. I had some troubles with it. I'm noticing some focusing issues that I'm still trying to pinpoint, and somewhere in the sand is the Artisan Obscura button Neel got me for Christmas. But those Gulf Coast colors? That bright white sand and dreamy blues? Those golden sunsets? How gorgeous is that? Who's ready to go back?

Okay. I know I said I'd get you to the beach in Clearwater today, but. Life happened. I'm testing a new camera (long story), Field Day rolled around (every year!), and I cheated and used our local Walgreen's for developing. Film photos dropped off and picked up on the same day? A miracle!

If there's one frustration I have with film, okay, I have a few, it's the delay in seeing my photos. And honestly, that delay is usually both a blessing and a curse. Generally I like it. It's part of the slowing down that film makes me do, and all of that slowing down is good. But with things like Field Day, I want to tell the story, and sometimes I want to tell it right away. Before it gets too far away.

So Saturday was Field Day at Cal's school, and as I said on Instagram, it's A Really Big Deal. It's the school's major fundraising event for the year, and generally a real blast for kids and families. How big a deal is it? Well, we had a coastal storm dumping wind and rain and tidal flooding on us all day on Friday (another canceled baseball game), but Saturday? Well Saturday dawned sunny and warm. Even Mother Nature wants to go to Field Day.

A perennial favorite are the lemons with the peppermint sticks, and I finally got my own this year. Cal's pretty under the weather right now, and he was miserable this weekend. What got him out of bed Saturday morning? Those lemons. So tempting to make my own, but I don't think it would be the same.

It was worth it when we got there, because hello, Dunk Tank! We're not old timers to this school and this is only our 6th Field Day. Still, we don't remember a Dunk Tank before. It was a Big Hit. All the baseball kids lined up, and as you can see from the photos, a few prospects too. Apparently Cal dunked his English teacher and his Latin teacher too. He says he hugged his English teacher right after, but I guess his Latin teacher was still on her shift in the tank when he had to leave. There goes the Latin grade.

Cal spent the rest of the weekend coughing and slurping on the sofa, but I still think it was worth it. You can't miss Field Day. And I'll remember my Walgreen's trick this time next year.

All photos were shot on Fuji Superia consumer grade film on a Canon Elan 7E and developed at my local Walgreens. (For the Win!)

We've had just the most miserably cold and rainy weekend. Neel said that if you'd told him it was November instead of late April, he'd have believed you. My fingers are cold, my nose is cold. I'm cold. By Sunday, I thought I'd spend the afternoon warming up to the film photos of our trip to Clearwater Beach, FL and the Phillies' Spring Training. I'm not gonna lie. We've traveled all over the world, and this was one of our best vacations ever.

If you have even the barest interest in baseball, I can't recommend Spring Training enough. Follow a team religiously like some in this family follow the Phillies? Well, it's practically a requirement. At Spring Training, every thing is like the MLB, writ small. Ball parks are smaller and friendlier. Crowds are more manageable. Ticket prices too.

We got to Florida right at the start of the Spring Training Season, so we got to see Opening Day ceremonies for the Phillies, the Yankees and the Astros. We sat behind home plate, like directly behind home plate, for all three. Cal lined up for autographs at all three parks, and the players and coaches were approachable, friendly and happy to oblige. In town, Clearwater and Clearwater Beach, home to the Phillies, was like little Philadelphia. Dinner at local dives could have been as easily in Jersey as it was steps away from crystal-clear water and sugar sand. The crystal-clear water and sugar sand is somehow better. Florida retirees work the ballparks as ushers and ticket takers, and let me tell you, that looks like one sweet gig. Our waiter at one restaurant asked Neel if he was from Philly and proceeded to pull out his cellphone and show us pictures of the hoagie the last time he was "back home." Our neighbor Paul, in Tampa visiting family, texted that he was at the game, and we had a long chat. He lives down the street and it was the first time we'd seen him in months. I swear, it's the happiest place on earth. It's warm, so everyone is happy. It's pre-season, so everyone is happy. Hope springs eternal at Florida ballparks in March.

I'll be honest. I could have used a bit better balance between beach and ballpark, and I'll share my beach shots next week, but honestly? There's nothing like stepping on an airplane that has to be de-iced before it can take off, and getting off of said plane to sunshine, palm trees and 80º. Neel and I had a lot of time to talk while we watched Cal vie for autographs, and we decided that this was indeed the life. Our new life plan? Retire and move to Florida and work at Phillies Spring Training Games. We think we might start next year.

I know, I know. It's Monday. I'm not even supposed to be here until tomorrow, right? I just had the most amazing conversation about photography, or any creative endeavor really, last week and I couldn't wait to get the words on the page. To come here and share it with you guys. And let's face it. I know I said I was okay with turning 45, but I'm still not sure how long I wanted my mug hanging out there on my homepage on the internet. Part of aging comes learning discretion, right? RIGHT?!?!

I can't even remember how it started, (I'm super forgetful these days.) but we started talking about that age-old creative's dilemma between having a consistent style vs. becoming a one-note. I said, and acknowledged at the time that I know I sound lame when I do say it, that I actually think about this a lot. See? Lame. How do you find the balance? How many Instagram accounts have I unfollowed after a few months because it's the same/similar photo over and over? And yet, YET! How many artists are doing mediocre work because they are trying too many different things and mastering none?

I continue to work to find my voice as a photographer. You might say that artistically it's my biggest project. Sure, I love that white wall in my little studio and you'll see me shoot a million things from eggs to flowers to cookies in front of it. But I also like to take pictures of Cal and the ocean and Neel and my beagle and the flowers in our back yard and a random beautiful doorway and the light that pours through my living room window. So where's the thread? How can I be all these things and still consistent? How can I spread all these pictures on a table and have you still know they are all me? Maybe it's the color palette, maybe it's the light I like, but I think these are just part of what makes a voice.

As we batted this conversation around the table, my friend Dave landed on what I think is the deep, deep truth of the matter. A million people have said it, all far better than I. And it boils down to this: practice your craft. "People come listen to Yo-Yo Ma," he said, "whether he's playing folk music or classical, because he shows up everyday to the practice room knowing that his scales aren't perfect."

Yo-Yo Ma. Everyday. Knowing he isn't perfect. Facing those scales every damn day.

Practice your craft. Batting practice. Showing up at the page. Playing scales. Whether you shoot weddings or newborns, make sure you pick up the camera (or whatever your instrument of choice) just for yourself. Do it creatively. Give yourself a personal project that inspires you and pushes you. Do it technically. Dive deeply into that new lens you got or explore a different lighting technique. It's only when you push yourself for yourself, not to meet a quota or when a client is paying you, that you'll really grow. When you think, "hey I think I want to try this," and you go out and try it, well, that's when the real fun begins.

And what if you're like me and you're already shooting for yourself? Well, that's when batting practice matters most I think. I truly believe that I'll only find and refine my voice as an artist if I continue to step into the cages and swing at pitch after pitch. If I stare at page after page. If I sit down to practice scale after scale.

If it works for Yo-Yo Ma, why can't it work for me? Batting practice? Playing scales? Same/Same.

Well, what have we here. Another trip around the sun. I've never been bothered by age, and there's only been one year so far when I felt thrown for a loop (35, whaaat?) in the days leading up to my birthday. This year, I've got nothing. No fear of moving into another age bracket. No dread of circling another box when I fill out a form. I've always had a fair amount of disdain for people who, at the lofty height of, say 27, say they feel old. Hmmm. Live a little more and we'll talk. I don't mind my age. I don't mind birthdays. I generally feel that I am who I am, yo.

Truth be told, I'll be glad to see 44 in my rear view. It's been a bumpy year at best, with a lot of turmoil and sadness. Plans have gone awry, hearts have been broken, health has been battered. And yet. New plans are being made. Every day I try again to get my health on track. My heart, my mind and my creative spirit is enriched each day as I follow this journey in studying film that I have embarked upon. And the friends I have made as I do it? What a gift! I get to teach photography which is pretty much amazing to me and a dream come true. So much gratitude there. Seriously.

All of my friends. New and old. Fill me up in ways they'll never know. I've had to take a deep dive in the past months as I've dealt with a daily onslaught of pain, but just feeling the web around me has been nothing short of amazing.

And of course my family. And really, for the love I have for them there are no words. It's too big to contain with mere words on a screen, so I think I'll leave it at that.

So today, I'll have the cake that my friend Kim made me earlier this week for breakfast (she also took that picture of me on a little film outing we had together, on her dad's Leica with Portra 160, and there you have me, billowy raincoat, sunny day and all), and then I'll go off to meet the students in my Composition Class. After that Neel and I'll have lunch together and then maybe I'll take one of my cameras for a walk this afternoon. He and Cal are making me dinner tonight, and then another year begins.

Nothing but blue skies ahead.

Oh, let's see. In the last month, Cal had move-up night to the Upper School, got his learner's permit, started driving us everywhere, won our family NCAA basketball pool (I was a close second), started his baseball season at school, finished reading Their Eyes Were Watching God and started reading Romeo & Juliet. There's more. He proudly remembered my birthday in German class when his teacher asked him (makes this momma proud, too).

As for me. Well. I took a film class, but I already told you about that. I learned a lot. Like how much I have left to learn (wink). Seriously, though, I put so many pieces together, and now when I look at scans that I didn't quite get right, I actually learn why. Hey! Learning is good! As far as finding that ever-elusive voice? I'm still working on that. Still, I got a camera for my birthday, and I used it to take these shots. I think I like it. Portraits are fun. I think I'll just keep shooting and trust that everything will work itself out. Slow and steady, you know?

I think Shakespeare had it right: “Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast.” That's from Romeo and Juliet, in case you didn't know.

And you remember how this works, right? I'm sharing this journey with some other amazing film photographers, so follow along the circle and check out their stunning images. Next up is Maggie Wright. I love her gorgeous shots.

So last night was move-up night. At Cal's school, upper school covers 10th, 11th and 12th grade, so as a 9th grader, Cal has been in his last year of middle school this year.

It's exciting to hear about the changes that will take place as Cal moves into upper school. More freedom, more responsibility. More electives. More choices. More of everything. Good stuff, but daunting too as we face the prospect of college down the not-too-distant pike.

As we were walking in, we ran into the woman who'd been his 2nd grade teacher at another school, and it struck me then how funny school can be. How distinct the passage of time is, marked so specifically, year by year. And how nice it was to be there, walking in to face his 10th grade year with all his past years strung out behind him. Some of those years were not so great. Second grade was a good one.

This year has been good too, but always around April, I'm ready for summer. I told a friend of mine, another mom, that I think summer vacation should pretty much start the day after spring break, but I get restless like that. And if I'm feeling restless, how must it feel to this kid who drove us to school last night? My big kid. Flying high.