uuworld.org : UU Parenting

A need for prayer

Michelle Richards — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:56:04 +0000

Regardless of your personal theology—be it theist, deist, pantheist, atheist, or anything in between—as a parent you will inevitably face questions about God. Images of the divine are all around us and deeply embedded in our culture. God is mentioned in television programs and popular music, thanked by celebrities for their perceived success, and even mentioned in the Pledge of Allegiance spoken every morning in public schools across our nation.

Even if you yourself do not believe in God, or hold an image of the divine that is not anthropomorphic or close to the traditionally male father-figure of the major monotheistic religions, your child will undoubtedly form an image of such a God in his or her mind. As is the case with Santa Claus, it is not hard for children to believe since the evidence seems to be all around them. However, even very young children are able to embrace mystery surrounding the divine because they find the whole world mysterious. In fact, many children have been disappointed, hurt, and confused when their parents have given the impression that any inquires about God are unwelcome or forbidden.

Last Sunday, my family visited our local mosque as part of our Unitarian Universalist church’s religious education program, which includes units focused on learning about other religious traditions. As we were preparing to leave and return home, I was surprised to find my nine-year-old son in the worship space with his forehead pressed to the carpet as he had seen the Muslims pray. I thought he was merely imitating what he had witnessed and “trying it out” to see what it was like, but he later confessed to me that he wished we prayed at our congregation.

While I tried to explain that we did indeed engage in prayer-like activities such as meditation and spoken words which inspire connections to the divine and the universe or all humanity, he was still not satisfied. He wanted to be able to use his body to pray and humble himself in front of an all-powerful being which he could pay homage to. Once again I was humbled—apparently even I, with my supposed vast knowledge of faith development and religious education philosophy—was completely unaware that my child wanted to pray.

We have done yoga and meditation, walked a labyrinth full of wildflowers, said grace after lighting our family chalice at meals, and explored many other spiritual paths. However, the one that I neglected to introduce—and he apparently craved the most—was prayer. Because he also seemed to appreciate the kinesthetic aspects of the body prayer he witnessed, we are now exploring other traditions that utilize body prayers and working on creating our own bedtime prayer where he can express his thoughts, his longings, and his joys.

For it seems that even if you as a parent have come to conclusions that are meaningful for you, it is still necessary to teach our children that the questions they ask about the nature of the divine have not been answered to the satisfaction of a great many freethinkers and that questions about God are tough to determine because of the nature of our knowing. With maturity and physical growth, faith development also expands—and our children may expand their thinking about the divine over time, or may not. And with that, we should never make assumptions about what our children are looking for in terms of spiritual practices.

Serving, as families, on Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Michelle Richards — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:05:55 +0000

Martin Luther King Jr. Day is not only for celebration, remembrance, and a tribute to an amazing individual, but in recent years has evolved into a national day of service. All across America on this day, people perform community service in hospitals, homeless shelters, prisons, and wherever people need help. It is a day of volunteering to feed the hungry, rehabilitate housing, tutor those who can’t read, mentor at-risk youngsters, console the broken-hearted, and a thousand other projects building the beloved community of Dr. King’s dream.

For Unitarian Universalist parents who lament our lack of meaningful holidays, a national day of service can be a way of living our faith together as a family. Beyond honoring the inherent worth and dignity of all persons, this national day of service promotes actively working to uphold our Second Principle, “justice, equity, and compassion in human relations.” And since many children are home from school to commemorate Martin Luther King Jr. Day, this can be an optimal family time for community service.

For instance, Laura Yamashita, who attends the Unitarian Universalist Church of Atlanta, marches in the annual Martin Luther King Jr. parade with her children every year. This has become an annual tradition for her family and has marked the passing of the years just like holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. It also makes a clear statement to her children that their presence is important in honoring the man and his work for non-violent social change.

Other Unitarian Universalist parents have arranged time to serve meals in soup kitchens, work on community restoration projects, or donated time to stock a food pantry’s shelves with food for hungry families. The opportunities for service are limitless; in fact, many local organizations that are in need of assistance will hold special opportunities for volunteers to help out on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. You can find out about ways to make a difference all over the country and in your neighborhood through the National Day of Service website.

Even if your family does not engage in social action projects together on this day, the holiday presents an opportunity for Unitarian Universalist children to learn about the power of nonviolent protest and civil disobedience, two key aspects of our religious heritage. One thing that my kids find really amazing is that even though Dr. King was not a Unitarian Universalist, he was heavily influenced by Gandhi (who was a Hindu) and through him, by Henry David Thoreau (a Transcendentalist Unitarian). (King also drew inspiration from the Unitarian-Universalist utopian minister Adin Ballou, whose idea of “nonresistance” influenced Tolstoy and Gandhi, and from the radical Unitarian minister Theodore Parker, whose language about the “moral arc of the universe” King used in his speeches.)

This National Day of Service presents an opportunity for all of us, no matter our color or creed or political affiliation, to create a better world. For beyond his work on the civil rights movement and non-violent protest, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. presented a challenge to all of us when he said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: ‘What are you doing for others?’” To this challenge, I’ll add: “What are you doing to teach your children what we need to be doing for others?”

Learn more about the MLK-Thoreau connection at these links: “The Formative Influences on Martin Luther King,” by Gregg Blakely (Peace Magazine, Apr.-June 2001); “The Life and Words of Martin Luther King Jr.” (Scholastic curriculum guide, grades 6-8).

Teaching gratitude in a culture of consumerism

Michelle Richards — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 19:53:29 +0000

©Noam Armonn/Bigstock

We all want our children to develop an attitude of gratitude, but there is a lot working against us in this department. Bombarded with messages celebrating consumerism, children may find it hard to be grateful. After all, obtaining material goods often seems to be the meaning of the holidays.

Countless parents have experienced dismay and embarrassment when their child opens a gift and, instead of saying “Thank You,” utters an exasperated, “I already have this.” Even a child who is naturally generous and giving may simply smile and set a less desirable present aside in the rush to unwrap another.

Beyond explaining gift etiquette and how one should respond even if a gift is unwanted, parents can model generosity. Our children watch what we do, so be sure to let them witness our own acts of kindness to others, particularly strangers or others in need. Our children also need to witness us giving money to the charities we support and volunteering for non-profit organizations—including our congregations.

As a present for birthdays, holidays, or on some other occasion, instead of getting one more toy or other item which will soon be discarded, parents can ask extended family members to consider giving a certificate to your child with the promise that you will give a set amount of money to a charity of their choice. If they are not sure which charity to support, investigate some possibilities with them. For example, the website CharityChoice offers a choice of more than 100 charities in 12 different categories.

Generosity doesn’t involve only financial giving. Helping others, either through random acts of kindness or through volunteering your time, is being generous, too. Talk to your children about the causes you support and why you give them your time and money. Think about the ways you can involve them in your volunteer opportunities in age-appropriate ways.

Finally, it’s important not to overlook the value of writing and sending thank-you notes for the gifts our children receive. As soon as they are able to write somewhat legibly and without a great deal of difficulty, children can write simple thank-you notes to express their appreciation for the gifts they receive. Grandma and Grandpa will be thrilled at the prospect and parents of similar-aged children will be impressed, but even the simple act of creating the thank-you cards speaks to the intentionality of recognizing the kindness of others. After all, gratitude is the loving twin of generosity. When we feel grateful, we are often generous—and when we are feeling generous, it helps us be grateful.

Holidays: Time for interfaith dialogue with your parents

Michelle Richards — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:46:52 +0000

©RonTech2000/iStockphoto

The Winter Holiday season is looming upon us, and with it often comes thoughts of traveling and spending time with extended family. Sometimes, the members of our extended families can be accepting of theological differences. Other times, not so much, because when a grown child rejects the faith of their parents, some parents will interpret this as a rejection of their very morals, ethics, and parenting values. In short, they may perceive this as a rejection of themselves.

In some families, the arrival of precious grandchildren raises the stakes even higher. Grandparents who had dreams of attending a christening with the baby wearing the same beaded and lace gown you wore as an infant, or who had been looking forward to sharing Passover dinners with the children of their children, are forced to face the harsh reality that their dreams may go realized. Because these realities can cause acute feelings of loss in our parents, we need to expect that there will be some disappointment and hesitation in accepting that there will be no baptisms, bar mitzvahs, or First Communions in their grandchildren’s future.

Accepting our parents’ feelings about this may be hard to do, especially if their feelings are offered with hostility or if we have unresolved issues with feeling accepted as adults by the people who raised us. However, when we recognize that these grandparents are indeed experiencing a loss, then perhaps we can understand that, as with any other loss, it takes time to work through the grief and to accept the reality of the new life situation.

Even people who were raised with no religious affiliation may be surprised at their own parents’ reaction when they decide to raise a child with particular spiritual practices. If your parents never particularly valued religion or have even been openly hostile to it, there may be just as much disgust or sneers expressed when you state your beliefs. There may even be accusations of your inability to accept logic or reason and charges that all their efforts to raise a freethinking child were in vain.

In most cases, presenting aspects of your theological beliefs and spiritual practices which have some similarity to theirs will generate more positive results than focusing upon the differences that exist. Focusing upon the similarities is also more non-threatening, which can allay any fears they have of an unknown religious culture and any unfamiliar spiritual practices.

Even if you are unable to articulate any parallels between your beliefs and theirs, it is crucial to avoid being defensive and to refrain from criticizing the beliefs of your parents. Being defensive places you in an inferior position that perpetuates the parent/child dynamic and makes it harder for your parents to accept you as a mature adult with your own positions and opinions. And criticizing their beliefs can make them defensive, which does nothing to help them accept and understand your position, and may provoke them to argue back that their religious beliefs (or lack thereof) are superior to yours.

Instead, modeling tolerance and acceptance while calmly insisting that your beliefs are as important to you and your new family as theirs are to them will force them to accept—even if over time—your sincerity of belief. Furthermore, when you are able to emphasize the loving, life-affirming aspects of your spiritual path, and even use the language of your traditional religious past, you create bridges rather than divisions between different religious paths.

Inviting the grandparents to share in the rituals and ceremonies of your chosen faith can also help bridge that gap. When my own parents attended the Naming and Dedication ceremony of my daughter Shannon and we shared a meal together afterward, they felt a great deal of joy at being part of the service (even though it wasn’t actually a baptism). Inviting both my mother and stepmother to have special roles in the Maiden Ceremony, which marked my daughter’s passage into adolescence, made it difficult for them to feel disappointed over not attending a Catholic Confirmation.

For while they may never really understand my Unitarian Universalist beliefs and my decision to raise my children this way, they have been invited to share the important rituals of their grandchildren’s life. Sometimes, this is enough.

Pets, children, and the Seven Principles

Michelle Richards — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 15:31:41 +0000

Beyond the unconditional love, loyalty, and affection we expect, a family pet can also offer children a chance to develop a sense of responsibility and learn about the cycle of life right in their own home. Taking care of a pet has also proven to facilitate the development of compassion and empathy with all living things. For Unitarian Universalist children, having a beloved family pet can help them understand many of our Seven Principles.

According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, having the opportunity to share secrets and private thoughts with a special animal friend can encourage a child to develop trusting relationships with others and even help with the development of non-verbal communication skills. You might say that just having a pet improves a child’s role-playing skills because they must put themselves in the pet’s position in order to feel how the pet feels. It’s only natural to then assume that this can transfer to determining how other kids might feel. In this regard, a pet in the home can help a child not only conceptualize the interdependent web of life, but understand the inherent worth and dignity of all people through developing empathy and compassion for other beings.

Children can experience the miracle of birth if their pet has offspring and become acquainted with loss and grief when a beloved pet dies. In between these two events, the cycle of life is witnessed and felt in a loving, touching way that no other childhood experience can match. Whether that pet is a goldfish swimming in a makeshift aquarium, hamsters in a wire cage, cats who rule the roost, dogs offering unconditional love, or even those odd-looking iguanas, that pet will hold special meaning in your child’s life. When the time comes to say “goodbye,” the loss and grief can be acute, but death is a natural part of life and all of us must learn this lesson at some point in our lives.

Pets are such an integral part of many of our lives that many Unitarian Universalist congregations celebrate this unique relationship though an annual Blessing of the Pets worship service. Families are encouraged to bring their pet(s) on Sunday morning, being mindful of other who might have allergies and pets that do not get along well with others. However, most people who’ve been part of such a worship service have thought the animals were generally as well-behaved as the humans in attendance. And at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Elkhart in Elkhart, Indiana, one year the only accident on the floor was the result of my two-year-old toddler’s excitement and not that of one of the many four-legged friends who were present that day.

Other resources: In Praise of Animals: A Treasury of Poems, Quotations, and Readings, edited by Edward Searl (Skinner House Books, 2007).

What to do about Columbus?

Michelle Richards — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 12:46:26 +0000

Christopher Columbus (iStockphoto)

Columbus Day, a federal holiday held annually on the second Monday of October, commemorates Christopher Columbus’s arrival in the Americas in 1492. Despite nationwide closures of post offices, courthouses, and other federal buildings, not all of the fifty states celebrate this event. For instance, it is not a public holiday in California, Nevada, or Hawaii. As an alternative, Native Americans’ Day is celebrated in South Dakota, while Indigenous People’s Day is celebrated in the community of Berkeley, California.

This holiday is controversial for Unitarian Universalist families and many other liberal religious families because the European settlement in the Americas led directly to the demise of indigenous peoples and their cultures. There is also evidence that the first Europeans to sail across the Atlantic were not led by the Italian Columbus who was financed by King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, but were actually Viking explorers from Scandinavia hundreds of years earlier. And since the land was already populated by indigenous peoples, Columbus had merely “discovered” the Americas for Europeans bent upon building a great empire overseas.

So what do we do about Columbus Day? Since many of our school systems still teach the version of history that favors the empire builders, it may be necessary for parents to “fill in the gaps” by explaining not only did Columbus not actually set foot in what is today the United States of America (his ships actually landed in the Caribbean Islands) but he could not have “discovered” America because there were already people there.

Jennifer Orr, a first grade teacher at Annandale Terrace Elementary School in Fairfax County, Virginia, says we often simplify history in order to make it more understandable for children, and the story of Columbus’s discovery is merely an example of this. She believes that one thing even young children can understand about Columbus and what he achieved is that he did so by learning from those who came before him and building upon it.

Older children can also learn about how history is often written by the victors, and usually given voice by the dominant culture. From this perspective, we can help them understand how Europeans felt they had discovered this new land and why they believed they were entitled to settle in this New World despite the fact that there were already people living there. In fact, teenage youth can explore the very nature of colonialism, global domination, and Manifest Destiny that has been the legacy of the United States even before its inception.

We can also take time to acknowledge the culture and heritage of Native Americans who were here long before the arrival of the Europeans. By exploring the differences between the European colonial culture and the agrarian or nomadic societies of many indigenous peoples, particularly when it comes to the concept of owning land, the conflict becomes clear. The Europeans brought the Christian viewpoint underscored by the words in Genesis which gave them dominion over Earth and Sky, whereas the Native Americans could not even conceptualize the idea of selling their land because they did not believe they owned it. It was theirs only because they had it “on loan” from their magnanimous gods of nature or they had won the territory righteously in battle with neighboring tribes.

Celebrating John Murray Day

Michelle Richards — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 13:42:27 +0000

The Rev. John Murray (illus. c.1891, in the public domain)

On or near September 30 of each year, some Unitarian Universalist families and congregations celebrate the arrival of John Murray on the New Jersey shore in 1770—and hence the arrival of Universalism in America. As the story goes: After John Murray’s ship became stranded upon a sandbar, Murray and a few other shipmates went ashore to gather some supplies. As part of this quest, Murray met a man named Thomas Potter who invited him and his stranded friends to join his family for dinner.

During the conversation over the meal, it was revealed that Potter had just built a chapel and was looking for a minister to preach in its pulpit. John Murray was a Universalist minister, but after losing his wife and son and being forced out of England for preaching Universalist ideas, he’d pledged never to preach again.

However, Potter asked the reluctant Murray if he would at least preach on the coming Sunday. Murray said his boat would sail out of port by Sunday and so he wouldn’t be available. Of course, ships in those days relied upon wind power and the winds would literally have to change in order for his ship to sail. Potter asked him if he would preach on Sunday if his ship hadn’t yet sailed, and Murray gave in. “If I’m still here on Sunday,” he said, “I will preach.”

On Sunday, September 30, the winds had not yet changed and so John Murray did preach a sermon in Thomas Potter’s church. His Universalist message of a loving God who would not damn anyone to hell—the idea of universal salvation—was welcome news in America and soon John Murray found himself preaching regularly again to larger and larger crowds eager to hear his message.

Families can celebrate John Murray Day by telling his story as part of a special meal to commemorate this event. You can find a great story about John Murray as part of the Tapestry of Faith online curriculum project. (See the UU World archives for articles about Murray’s conversion to Universalism and about the revival of the congregation he would later found in Gloucester, Massachusetts, the first Universalist church in America.)

Each person could also share something good in their life, perhaps even something unexpected that turned out great—just as John Murray’s stranded ship ended up with Universalism’s good news coming to America. Promises can also be made, such as pledges to do homework without grumbling or remembering to pack a dessert in a child’s lunch.

Finally, because the story of John Murray is so closely tied to water, families can take this opportunity to express their gratitude for having easy, convenient access to clean and safe water. Pledges can even be made to consciously use less water on this day—or the week in which the celebration falls.

However it is observed, John Murray Day is a chance for families to celebrate a uniquely Unitarian Universalist holiday—and commemorate the Universalist half of our religious heritage.

The sleepover dilemma

Michelle Richards — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:06:27 +0000

My nephew has a friend who has come out as transgender (female-to-male) in high school. He truly is just like one of the (other) boys when it comes to sports and other traditionally “male” activities. Most of his friends’ parents have accepted this development except for one thing: When it comes to sleepovers, he is not invited. Although he is “one of the boys” when it comes to everything else, because he still has female genitalia, he is unable to join the guys for overnight activities.

While this seems unfair, the situation calls to mind just how heterosexually-biased our society truly is. The parents who deny him sleepovers are doing so because of the age-old rule that boys and girls don’t sleep together because something might “happen.” However, this ignores the fact that some boys are interested sexually in other boys (so much for not setting up tempting scenarios) and some girls are not sexually attracted to boys.

When my own daughter came out last year as bisexual (or, as she prefers to call it, “pan-sexual”), I experienced my own moment of pause. (I tell this story with her permission.) Her speech team was headed to the state tournament, and I was all for her attending, but then I learned the girls would be housed in one hotel room together and the boys in another. While chaperones would be accompanying them, they would have their own rooms. With a teenager who could potentially be physically drawn to either a male or female, suddenly all bets were off. Those simple rules such as “boys in one room, girls in the other” suddenly didn’t seem quite so simple!

So basically I had to rely on trust and the good judgment of my daughter, not an easy thing for a parent to do. It helped that her girlfriend at the time was not going along for the ride or the sleepover, so that made things easier for my husband and me to swallow.

I also couldn’t help but remember that when I was her age, I went on a ski trip and spent all of the time with my guy-pals, including one night falling asleep in their room. Nothing happened—and there was even contraband alcohol involved in that particular scenario, which could have weakened resolve and encouraged poor decision-making.

The moral of the story therefore is that boys + girls (and raging teenage hormones) do not necessarily lead to sexual activity. Instead, a fun but (shall we say) uneventful sleepover involves a much more complicated formula such as the individual personalities and attractions of each of the boys and the girls correlated with their ability to overcome possible temptation and attractions. Sure, it’s a lot harder than the simple rule of sleepovers that we’ve come to accept—but no one said parenting was easy!

Back to school rituals

Michelle Richards — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 19:22:16 +0000

For years now, our family’s annual August ritual has started with shopping: hitting the myriad of Back to School Specials, which are everywhere from Walmart to Walgreens. My kids are brutal to their backpacks, so our pilgrimage always involves picking out a new backpack and a new lunch box, too. The sales make August a convenient time to shop for new clothes, and it’s definitely time to trade in the sandals for a new pair of shoes.

When I was a child, I never could sleep the night before the first day of school, even with my First-Day-Of-School outfit all picked out and my backpack ready with supplies. Thoughts of what the next day held would hammer around in my brain along with the realization that tomorrow would set the schedule and the tone for the entire nine-months to come.

Because the start of school is a life transition that can be stressful for children and youth—who will be in new classrooms with new teachers, new peers, and sometimes even in a new building—parents can offer rituals to boost self-confidence and mark the time as something more than a time to acquire more clothes, shoes, and various school supplies.

Some Unitarian Universalist families will share a special family meal the night before school resumes, perhaps even lighting a chalice or a candle to mark this special evening. One mother, who lives in South Carolina, leads her family in a special blessing or prayer as part of the meal. Then she gives each of her children a copy of the prayer folded into a tiny square and taped closed to carry in their pocket as they head off to school on the first day. Another parent from Massachusetts passes out smooth stones at their celebratory dinner—stones that were collected as part of their summer trip to the beach—and encourages her children to take them to school along with their school supplies.

While so far I’ve stayed away from prayers in pockets or stones, I always fix a special breakfast the morning of the first day of school and leave a special treat in my children’s lunchboxes, along with a note reminding them of my support, affection, and confidence that they will have a great day and a great year to come.

And because we are a middle-class family in relatively good financial circumstances, as part of our annual shopping spree, I also make a point to purchase an extra backpack and pack it with school supplies to donate to the Back-To-School program in our area, which helps kids who are in need. This helps my children see that at important times during the year we need to be compassionate and mindful of others. Since we function from abundance and can afford new clothes and markers, rulers, and scissors, we have an obligation to help out others who do not.

What are some of the back-to-school rituals your family engages in? How do you support your children and youth as they make this annual shift from summer routines to school routines? If you are a home-schooling family, do you have special rituals to mark a similar transition?

Fourth Principle holiday idea: Ingersoll Day

Michelle Richards — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 19:31:51 +0000

Robert G. Ingersoll (Photo by Matthew Brady, Levin Corbin Handy)

I have lamented before about how the holidays we Unitarian Universalists celebrate so often derive from some other religious tradition and that this hampers our ability to build a strong Unitarian Universalist identity in our children. But there are plenty of opportunities to celebrate occasions, people, and events that are important to us and our collective heritage.

Ingersoll Day—in honor of Robert Green Ingersoll—is a one such celebration we can add to our calendars, observed on or around his birthday of August 11. Observing the life and works of one of the most popular freethinkers in history can be a true reflection of our fourth Unitarian Universalist Principle: “a free and responsible search for truth and meaning.”

Recognized as the “Great Agnostic” who championed freethought, Ingersoll also campaigned tirelessly against slavery and for the rights of women. During a time when oratory was the dominant form of public entertainment, Ingersoll was truly a celebrity and drew large crowds to his public speeches.

Ingersoll Day can be considered a time to celebrate freethought. For young children, parents can provide challenges that encourage them to think and seek out new meaning. Puzzles, riddles, and activities that spark interest (such as scavenger hunts) are appropriate activities for celebrating Ingersoll Day. Older children, youth, and adults can stage their own “speeches” or oratorical presentations.

Freethinking and the search for truth can also be honored as a family with a candle-lighting ceremony. Give each person in the family a candle to light (little ones can be helped by parents) and as they do so, encourage them to share something that they used to think that they now think differently about. Older children and youth could share instead something about “so many people think [blank], but I think [blank].” This ritual could affirm their individual beliefs and help strengthen them in cases where youth are regularly met with opposition or disbelief by those people who think much differently than they do.

A family celebration that affirms the responsible search for truth and meaning centering around Ingersoll Day can lift up the importance of our Fourth Principle, and that sounds like a great idea for a Unitarian Universalist holiday to me.

Learn more about Ingersoll from this February 2010 sermon by the Rev. Don Beaudreault, minister of the UU Congregation of Venice, Fla., and read a speech Ingersoll delivered to the Unitarian Dinner Club in New York City in 1892.