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Happy Halloween, from the Official Tubbo Website to . . . you people.

]]> http://tubbo.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/decoding-a-teenage-costume-party-invitation/feed/ 1 Tubbo & Dubba Tubba http://tubbo.wordpress.com/2009/10/24/figures/ http://tubbo.wordpress.com/2009/10/24/figures/#comments Sat, 24 Oct 2009 21:39:01 +0000 Tubbo & Dubba Tubba http://tubbo.wordpress.com/?p=3002 ]]>

We made a post yesterday, and overall, we think it went pretty well.  We mocked a popular blog, glorified boobs, and said “fuck,” all in the same post.  Sounds pretty AWESOME to us.  The surprising part about it (the part that made us go “holy omgeeberzzz!!!!1!!11one!1!!!”) was that we had a huge leap in views the day the post went up.  Like going from an “F” to a “D-”, we had 15 views the day before, then 40 the day of.

We were quite perplexed until we took a look at the “links people took to get to your blog” portion of our stats page:

Figures.

So basically, the only reason most people are visiting our site is because they’re looking for porn and our tags lead them here.  Our site is infested with horndogs and pedo-Jrs.  Nice.  We feel like we need to give our younger viewers a warning or something: “don’t respound to comments on our page that ask you to describe your underwear.”  We admit we added pornograhpic tags on semi-purpose (we’re hurting for views), but we didn’t think changes in stats would be THIS drastic.  We’re sure we disappointed all the horny teens and creepy perverts who stumbled upon our page searching for porn (it’s a tough journey) and finding only a big wall of text and a semi-pornographic picture for their tr, but we’re simply not that kinda website.  Maybe (hopefully) someday, but we aren’t “the XXX Official Tubbo Pornsite.”  Yet.  Hippo porn isn’t mainstream now, but mark our words…

Okay, we got a bit offtrack there.  The point of this post (if there is a point) is that porn sells, even if you’re not a salesman.  Cool analogy there, huh?  And the best part about this is we’ve technically been discussing porn, so we have an excuse to chock up this post with smexy tags and get even more views!  Awesome!  AWESOME!  Apologies in advance to those who came to the page looking for porn.  We hope we can entertain you with a few laughs (our jokes have been known to cause orgasms), but if not, at least allow us to wish you happy porn hunting.

Update (Nov. 7th ‘09):

The new stats are in…

This isn’t funny anymore.  It’s just really, really creepy.

Some of you may have heard of the not-so-awesome blog 1ooo Awesome Things.  Click the link to be brought to the site, or read  the conveniently placed summary here (we put thought into this): 1000 Awesome Things is basically a blog that is dedicated to naming awesome things (1000 to be exact). The only problem is its list seems void of anything awesome (one of the items on the list is “dangling your feet in the water.”  We’re not making this up). They’re counting down to the #1 awesome thing, one post a day, for 1000 days.  It’s painful.  And no, the author doesn’t possess a “life,” but thanks for asking.

We’ve been wondering what the #1 awesome thing will be, but not for very long, because we already know what the #1 most awesome thing in the world is — we don’t need a lameass blog to tell us. So we thought, why wait two more years for them to post it?! Screw the 1000 Awesome Things!  They’d probably mess it up anyway.  That’s why we’re making an “Awesome Thing” post right here the Official Tubbo Website! Here goes:

The most awesome thing on the planet; boobs!  ‘Nuff said.

AWESOME!

(Hope we didn’t beat anyone to the punch . . . )

Photo from: who-gives-a-fuck.

We were bored the other day — even we get tired of force-feeding vegans deepfried steaks — so we decided to make a custom desktop background for our dad Bill’s computer. A little something to “surprise” him when he went to check his email. Needless to say we’ve been grounded until, in Bill’s words, “[we] learn to respect other people’s preferences.” But the whole experience taught us a valuable lesson. That some people don’t enjoy looking at pictures of two 90-year-old men . . . well, we won’t go into details, but the answer is no. We’ve learned that making desktop backgrounds is fun!

So for the sake of the entire planet, we’ve made some custom desktop backgrounds! We originally planned on selling them for $1000 apiece (alongside the Picasso display at the museum) but our advisers told us that might not be the best way to get customers. We then considered forcing people to buy them under the threat of the bombing of their house(s), but our advisers told us we could get into trouble that way (we then had to sign a few waivers). So, under the agreement of the waivers, we’ve decided to offer these awesome backgrounds worth $1000 for free*! Yeah, we rule.

So check the backgrounds out below. You can download them by clicking the link that says “download.” If that’s too complicated for you, the book we’re writing (“how to download shit from links that say ‘download’”) should be done by July. Until then, continue doing what you were doing before you found this page, which was probably banging your head against the wall. And no, none of these links have “viruses” or “Trojan horses” or bullshit like that. We’re so sure of the safety of these files, we’ve given them the Tubbo seal of approval:

“Guaranteed bullshit free!”

If you’re still suspicious (who could doubt an awesome seal like that?) don’t download our backgrounds. Live the rest of your life in agony, it’s fine with us. You aren’t doing us a favor by downloading our backgrounds, we’re doing you a favor by letting you. Fuck off.

1. Tubbo-in-the-corner Background

Download this banner here.

2. Tubbo-with-binoculars Background

Download this banner here.

3. Property-of-Tubbo Background

Download this banner here.

4. Tubbo-pyscho-trapped Background

Download this banner here.

That’s it, four awesome backgrounds completely free*. Note that all the background’s dimensions are 1600 x 1024 ’cause everything else’s for losers. Oh, and the fact that 1600 x 1024 is the standard might have something to d0 with it. If your computer gimps these images out (stretches, compresses, etc.), it means that it has a different standard. Email us asking us to make you another background specifically for your computer with new dimensions — we need a good laugh.

By the way (we’ll be dead before we say “BTW”), these backgrounds weren’t made on Photoshop. Pure Paint, baby. We know Photoshop sucks, and we know a Goddamn scam when we see one (we just hope you guys don’t). So don’t ask why we suck at Photoshop. Ask why we own at Paint.

Enjoy, unless you’re a paranoid nerd who won’t download our viru- pictures.

*By downloading these “free” backgrounds, you are entitling us to your soul, your first born, and your dog. Hand ‘em over, bitch. And yes, we’re having fun with the little “star” (*) things (this is the second post in a week to utilize it). Our advisers just told us about it (apparently this is the only legal way to steal someone’s soul short of bargaining with the Devil, which we were all for), and we’re loving it. Bah bah bah bah bah . . .

You can often tell if a story will be life-changing just by looking at the first words.  Some greats choose to start with “Call me Ish-dog.”  Some choose to start with “It was the rockin’-est of times, it was the crappiest of times.”  Some choose to start with “Mrs. Dean sucks dick.”  Mrs. Dean sucks dick.  We mean she really, really sucks dicks.  For those of you who haven’t been stalking us and everyone we know (anyone?  No?  Figures), Mrs. Dean — what the hell, we’ll even give you her first name; Marx – runs the local, independent video store (called “Movie-World;” very original, right?) which we used to – YEAH MARX YOU FREAKIN’ COMMIE, USED TO – rent from.  What kinda name is Marx, anyway?  We’ll tell you; a stupid Nazi one.

We’ll tell you why we stopped renting from that God-forsaken, crappy, useless, retarded, cursed . . . sorry.  We’ll tell you why we stopped renting from that . . . store.  They USED TO have games available for rent at 3 bucks a night (expensive?  Yeah, but it was affordable).  They USED TO have a respectable grace period for when a poor, innocent hippo returned a game a few weeks late.  And they USED TO have good customer service.  USED TO.  Then Marx Dean got greedy.

Marx Dean decided that she just wasn’t making enough to keep renting her one-room apartment (which probably costs about a buck a month).  One day she charged an even $3.00 a day for a video game, the next they were $3.75.  We’re not really sure why; she never offered an explanation.  Maybe she just woke up one morning and said to herself (yeah, she talks to herself often, this wouldn’t be the first time), “I think I wanna ruin everyone’s lives today.  Maybe I should start charging more for video games!”  But we think ol’ Dean was simply trying to pull a fast one on the customers who had gotten her through the roughest of times.  She hates people who help her.  It’s a disorder.  What really pisses us off about this whole thing (besides us having to pay more for necessities like video games) is that she didn’t announce it or anything – no signs, no warnings, no BS – she just jacked up the price.  It’s like she had a spasm or something; walking down the street, felt a small urge to charge seventy five cents more for her video games, and decided to act on it.  Don’t they usually hospitalize people like this?  What happened to those padded rooms we used to see in movies?  She’s a danger to society!  What happens if she feels the urge to kill her 20 month old baby?!  She’s un-freaking-stable!

This was so sudden that we didn’t even know she jacked up her prices until we checked our damn receipt and saw she charged us an extra 75 cents for God’s sake.  There’s gotta be something wrong with that.  The customer should know if he’s gonna have to pay more than he expected, especially if there’s no notice in the change in pricing.  What if Marx, unstable as she is, decided to raise the price to an “even million?”  Would we still have to pay it?  We thought it was a mistake (obviously on her part) and went up to talk to Mrs. Dean who was working the cash register when that little display of dishonesty occurred.  We told her we think she charged us too much, and that she should kindly give us our 75 cents back or else we can’t be expected to control what happens next.  You know what she did?  She laughed at us.  She then proceeded to tell us that she had raised the price on games.  And then she laughed at us some more.  Yeah, we’re serious.

There was a simple way Mrs. Dean could’ve avoided getting that unexpected plastic surgery courtesy of our sledge hammer.  She could’ve simply told her customers she was raising her prices.  Is that too much to ask?  We don’t think so.  To all those who own stores and are thinking about raising their prices: we don’t recommend it (because it’s a sleazy, grubby thing to do) but if you decide you have to, we (the consumers) expect nothing less than a flashing neon sign over your building saying, “ATTENTION CUSTOMERS.  I HAVE DECIDED TO SELL OUT AND HAVE BECOME A MONEY-OBSESSED BITCH.  I HAVE RAISED MY RENTING PRICES BY 75 CENTS.  PLEASE THROW ROCKS AT MY STORE AND MYSELF.  THAT IS ALL, *chh*”  We added that little “*chh*” thing at the end because we thought it sounded like an intercom and intercoms are barrels of fun.  But you get the point.  It was a sneaky and disgraceful for Mrs. Dean to up her prices without telling anyone.  Maybe she thought nobody would notice.  Tough luck, lil miss “ooh, I need 75 extra cents from four year olds to be happy, charging three bucks wasn’t enough for me” pants!  Screw you!

We brought up our case with Mrs. Dean (we aren’t letting our 75 cents go without a fight) and she told us she needed to adjust to inflation.  Inflation?!  Do we look like we care about fucking inflation?  Let the world keep inflating tell it explodes!  We don’t give a crap!  We’re hippos!!!  Are we expected to swallow this BS?  Our allowance isn’t adjusting to inflation, your business shouldn’t either!  And at least tell the damn customer!  Raising your prices to accommodate to make-believe threat is bad enough without being deceitful about it!  Good God, you make us SICK.

And it would’ve been one thing for Dean to raise her prices once.   We’d be pissed and all, but it wouldn’t have been the end of the world (probably).  But it didn’t stop at $3.75; her prices then proceeded to go up to 4 bucks a night and then up again to $4.50.  We’re not making this up!  That communist bitch raised her prices thrice in the same month!  We wouldn’t be surprised if the next time we walked in it was 45 dollars!

But you know what?  Contary to what those last  six … seven … eight? paragraphs suggest, we don’t care.  She’s only hurting herself.  We haven’t rented from that store since it went up to $4.50 (that’s too damn expensive for one night with a video game, regardless of how fun that night is).  We’ve started renting from the corporate giant “Blockbuster” — it isn’t family owned and it isn’t independant, but it’s cheap.   So Mrs. Dean, if you’re reading this (God, please be reading this) keep jacking up those prices.  You’re only hurting yourself.

Well, technically, it’s October 2nd.  This was meant to go up the first, but apparantly WordPress’ “Schedules Posts” tool hates us.  That’s okay though.  We hate it too.

But either way, it’s October, and all you loyal fans who’ve been keeping up with our move know what that means: free chili dogs in Sydney!  Oh, and a certain posts went up on “Ye Olde Tubbo Site” too . . .  For your convenience, we took a snapshot of that particular post.  Look below . . .

Or go to the actual post by clicking here (new window).

At least that post went up October 1st.  And of course, the post is lie, we’re still posting, blah blah blah.  We’ve said that in every post regarding the move (4 or 5), so if you haven’t caught on by now, we probably want you to think we’re dead.

The coming of October means a few things for the Official Tubbo Website.  One, all links on Ye Olde Tubbo Website linking back to here have been deleted.  That means it’s impossible to get to this new site from the old site unless you know the address.  This ties in with why we closed the original site in the first place — we’ll be giving you the dirty details soon (expect a full sized post) but not today.  Patience is a virtue . . . for nerds!

October also means that the rants are returning to the Tubbo Site.  We’re sure many of you have missed the weekly dose of anger we’ve been supplying, but they’ll be .  We expect the first rant to go live Saturday (tomorrow), so check back for that.

As for this site’s future, we’re doing our best to make all you viewers feel at home.  We’re starting to warm up to this new URL and we hope you’re too.  Remember, advertise if you’ve got a blog, if you don’t, get one or just tell your friends in real life (if you have any).  We’ll give you an example of the ways to bring up the Official Tubbo Website in a conversation:

Friend A: So what happened last night with you and Cindy, man?

Friend B: Ah, you don’t want me to go into details . . .

Friend A: Hell yeah, man!  Details!

Friend B: Haha, alright, alright . . .  So she invited me into her her house, her mom wasn’t home.  We got into her bedroom and then . . .

You: Yeah yeah, great story “buddy,” but I’ve got something even cooler to tell you about.  It’s called the Official Tubbo Website!  It’s about these two hippos who blog!  They rant about things like cheese packets!  It’s hip to the jive — that’s a phrase I learned at the Official Tubbo Website!

Friend A: Sounds cool!

Friend B: Yeah!  Let’s all go home and read the Official Tubbo Website!

You: Yay!

We expect it’ll go somewhere along those lines.  Make adjustments where necessary, just tell them about our Goddamn website!  It also seems a few of you have “forgotten” to resubscribe to our emails.  We’d hate to have to make any “visits . . .”  Speaking of foul profanity that should never be used by anyone ever (“Goddamnit”), that’s another thing that’s changing at the Tubbo Website.  We no longer have limitations to how far a post can go; we can finally say “fuck” with fear.  We won’t be one of those bloggers who swears every other word (bloggers who fucking say “fuck” every other fucking word are fucking fucked up.  Fuck!), but if we get particularly angry and saying “poop-head” just isn’t enough, we can’t make any promises that we’ll remain as “child friendly” as we did in the past. We figure that because we lost all but our most hardcore fans in our transition, they won’t care if we swear or not as long as we continue making articles.  We’re not sure if that’s good logic or just an excuse to start swearing, but we’re sticking to it.

And if WordPress has a problem with our swearing, we can think of one thing to say . . . fuck you!

That felt amazing to write.  That’s pretty much all the details regarding the move.  As of now, we’re through talking about the move.  Back to rants . . . can’t wait.  We’re just as exited to write about things that make us angry as you are to read them.  Check back soon . . .

. . . that’s the message you’ll see if you go to our old site in seven days.  Did we give anyone a heart-attack?  We did?!  Oh, good.

We don’t have much new information on our move, and we have very little to say.  That isn’t gonna stop us from posting though.  That’s our new philosophy: say something whether you have something to say or not.

But we do have something to say:  We aren’t dead.  It’s been five days since we last posted, so we’re sure some of you thought we got run over by a lawn mower or something.  We didn’t.  You may have read on the Internet that we were involved with the bombing of the Eiffel Tower and that authorities suspect us to be dead.  Well, that’s a complete lie.  We’re not dead!

Onto a topic much more interesting than terrorist bombings and deaths: the moving of our blog!  The “TUBBO SITE IS CLOSED” message (along with the deletion of all links pointing to this site) is still set to go up on the old Tubbo Site October 1st (or seven days at the time of this writing).  There has been a bit of confusion involving that message so we’ll try and clear that up here: that message is a lie.  Flat out BS.  We’re not closing “The Tubbo Site” — it’s living on here.  We want certain people (more on that at a later date) to think we closed it down.  That’s why, on the 1st, we’ll be deleting all links to this site.  The message is fake, so don’t take it seriously.  Basically, ignore whatever we say at the old Tubbo Site.  This is the new official site.

We’ve inverted the header and changed the name of the old Tubbo Site (now titled “Ye Olde Tubbo Site”) so there shouldn’t be any confusion.  And yes, the “official” part was taken out of the name on purpose.  We’re just witty like that.

That just about covers everything on the move, although we’ll continue to keep you updated until October 1st.  We know some of you may not care about this move (we’ve got a name for people like that; insenstive cretins!  No hard feelings though), but it’s almost done.  These types of updates will stop as soon as the first of October rolls around.  We’re working on some awesome ranty material, so keep checking back.

Click to read our older articles regarding the move (both open new windows) . . .

Our first post regarding the move (Tubbo’s second first post”).

Our second post regarding the move (“Moves, updates, hits, links . . . all that fun stuff”).

(For the first post on our “move,” click here.)

Hello surely loyal fans; we’re just checking in on you.  Doing alright?  How’s life?  Anything you wanna talk about?  Want us to come pick you up?  If you need anything, holla and we’ll be there in seconds.

Well, not that kinda “checking in,” but we are checking up on the site.  The new site, that is.  So far, things are going pretty (we’d even say surprisingly) well.  As of now, only about 1/3 of our viewers seem to have made it over to this new site, the idiots.  (We figure, because they aren’t actually here, it’s fine to call them idiots.)  It’s not too bad, considering how quickly and unexpectedly we moved our site.  Keep doing your part, loyal non-idiotic fans, and tell old viewers where to find the new site.

Now for the unpleasantness: to give you an idea of the cut in hits we’ve received, yesterday at the “old” Tubbo Site, we got 87 views.  Yesterday on this site (the “new” Tubbo Site), we got 28 hits.  Ouch.  So we suppose it’s more like 1/4 of our original viewers here (idiots).  Again, we couldn’t hope for anything better, but this is a serious cut in hits.  It hurts our souls (or something).  All the more reason to tell people about the site.  Get on it, slaves!

And the question remains: why the hell did we move our blog in the first place?  Don’t worry viewers, we will tell you.  Plan on getting a full post explaining why we moved our site sometime (soon) after October 1st, when the old site gets deleted.  And no, we promise it isn’t something stupid like, “oh, we just felt like changing the URL up.”

On the topic of the deletion, we’ve been think about not deleting the old site.  Now stay with us (this might get confusing for viewers with an IQ lower than 30) — every link on this site links back to the old Official Tubbo Website, including (but not limiting to — please sign here) every post we’ve ever made, which is around 120.  If you think we’re going to go back and reroute every single link on this site, which would basically mean updating 120 posts, you’re crazy (and probably have an IQ of around 30).  We thought we could maybe just leave them be and have a bunch of not-working links on our site (because if we deleted the site the links link to, the links would become “broken”), but that would be completely unprofessional; if you aren’t gonna put your heart into a blog, what are you doing with one in the first place?  Having a bunch of broken links on a blog drives us insane because it makes us feel like the owner doesn’t give a bloody crap (that came out wrong) about his viewers — and the viewers are the only ones who keep him blogging!

No, we aren’t gonna become the blog owners with all the broken links who don’t care about their own viewers.  Instead, we thought, “why not just stop posting on the ‘old’ Tubbo Site, but keep it up?”  That way, we wouldn’t have to change any of the links because they already point back to the old site!  Of course, we’ll change the major links like the ones on the front page (and all future links will link to the new site), but all those old ‘08 posts won’t have to change a thing.  Basically, if you go to an older post that links you to another old post, you’ll get linked back to the OLD SITE to read the post.  Once you’re finished, you’ll just have to press the back button to return to the new site.  To remind you of the difference between the sites, we think we’ll invert the B&W colours on the old header.  Maybe we’ll even change the name to “Ye Olde Tubbo Site” just to make it completely obvious.

And of course, there will be no new posts on the old site.  You’ll need to come here for new posts.  Stop visiting the old site altogether — if you get linked there, just come back to the new site after you’re finished reading whatever it was you were reading.  We’ll get rid of “Tubbo’s Last Post” (we can’t have ANY links from that site pointing here — more on that  in the “Why Move?” post) and replace with a post that simply says CLOSED, which will go up, you guessed it, morons, October 1st.

That’s basically it.  Keep checking for updates on this site (we enjoy having people check up on us).  Again, full out rants will be back . . . yep, you know it . . . October 1st.  Get back to us with some of your BS opinions on the move.  We love reading those.  Have some fun with your comments — tell us why YOU think we moved.  Don’t wait for our explanation, just pull some crappy explanation out of your ass and run with it.  Then, even when we post the official explanation, doubt it and say “hmm . . . I’m not sure if we can trust their sources on this one.  I’m looking it up on Wikipedia.”

We got a bit carried away there.  Just comment.  Distress and agitation,
Tubbo & Dubba Tubba

(We put “distress and agitation” to end this post because it seems to be “hip” nowadays to end blog posts with “peace,” and being that we’re very anti-peace, we decided to push our own antonyms for peace down your throats.  Deal with it.)

Welcome to the new Tubbo Site!

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re a long-time Tubbo fan visiting because of our post on the original Tubbo Site (http://tubbotwins.wordpress.com — soon to be deleted), which means that you’re here, which means the move was a success!  That’s right, for those who magically appeared here for no reason at all, we’ve recently moved our blog to a completely new web address — this is our new official site.  What do you guys think?  Does it look familiar?

Of course, we wouldn’t say it was a complete success.  We realize moving our blog to a completely different address was a hasty (some morons might even say stupid), um, “move.”  Trust us, we know.  We realize that we lost all of our goddamn hits.  We realize we probably lost about half our viewers in the transition.  We realize that all links need to be remade.  We realize all that.  We’re not stupid (despite what some morons say).  We had a good reason to move our entire blog and then delete the original, and although we aren’t yet ready to share the details, you can be sure they’re coming soon in a future post.  Really.

As for this new site . . . as you can probably see, we tried our damnedest replicate the old site.  Except for a few minor differences, we think it turned out reasonably well.  Under the circumstances anyway.  As of now and until October 1st, we’ll be renovating this entire site.  We’ll be moving posts around, changing up the sidebar, and rerouting the image URLs we mentioned above.  If you see glitches or if your Internet browser quits on you while you’re on this page, we apologize, but it should be finished by October.  In the meantime, just try and hang with us — we’re working very hard on this situation.

Now, the small percent of you fans who aren’t lazy (0.5% or something in that range) might be asking, “what can I do to help you guys out?”  We’ll tell you:

• Visit like you have AIDS.  We aren’t really sure what that means, but just visit a hell of a lot.  Like we state above, we lost all of our hits in the move (we emailed WordPress Support, of course, but there was nothing they could do . . . shocker).  We were at 20,900 hits.  Now we’re at 200.  We’d really appreciate it if you visited more often than usual to help us get our hits back up to where they once were.  Reload the page 20 times and don’t read anything if that’s what floats your boat.  We don’t care as long as you’re visiting.
• Resubscribe.  Because posts aren’t coming from http://tubbotwins.wordpress.com anymore, we had to create a new feed.  That means that all the old email subscriptions we had needed to be deleted — we’re starting from scratch.  So if you’re a long-time subscriber, please resubscribe (link’s on this post and in the sidebar).  And if you never subscribed back at the old Tubbo Site, what the hell is wrong with you?  Do you want us to hunt you down and kill you?!  Well, to do that, we’d need your email, so subscribe now.  There’s never been a better time to subscribe to the Tubbo Site (we got that line from a magazine).
• Tell people to visit our site.  That may seem like a shameful plug (like something you’d stick up your ass), but it really isn’t.  Like we said before, we lost at least half of our viewers in this move.  We got about 60-70 viewers a day back at the old site.  Now, here at the new site, we’re lucky if we get 30.  If you knew someone who enjoyed our works but didn’t catch the post about the new site, tell him about this new site.  If you knew someone who had never even heard about our works, tell him about this site.  Even whip up one of those crappy chain letters that threaten you.  Tell them to “visit this site or Jesus doesn’t love them anymore.”  If you’ve got a blog, link back to us!  Just do your part!

Thanks guys.  If we didn’t have viewers like you, we’d be worried.  But we’re in the right hands with you guys (we know it’s almost illegal to make Michael Jackson jokes these days, but that came out a lot more pedo-creepy than we intended).

More posts about the move are coming soon (as well as our ol’ rant posts).  We just wanted to get the word out there about this new site.  For new Tubbo posts, this is the place to go (’specially with our other site being deleted Oct. 1st).  Also note that all of our older posts (2008 and up) are also here at this site.  Read them, study them, memorize them.  It’s good for you.  See you all soon!  Remember to comment telling us what you think of this site!

Do you hate your children?  Do you ever wish a strange man would pick them up in his van on their way home from school?  Do you feel like giving them a “permanent timeout?”  If you answered yes, we have the solution!  Here at the Official Tubbo Website, we’ll kill your kids for you at a reasonable price!  Contact us now at 177 – we – eat – kids and your kids will be gone before you know it!  We’re so sure our customers will be satisfied with our ninja-assassin skills, sometimes we don’t even tell the parent we’re about to kill their child!  Check out this happy costumer;

A happy costumer.  Prices start at $50 per killing.  At this price, you can’t afford not to have your children killed!

Did your baby just crap the floor?  That isn’t normal.  Call us.  Did your 10-year-old spill some milk?  The saying is wrong.  Call us.  Did your punk-ass teen just mouth off?  Call us, unless you want to finish him off yourself.  If your kid is the best thing in the world and you love him, call us anyway.  Or else we’ll kill your kids.