Please read Part 1 and Part 2 for context. Thank you.

I slowly began to realize that I needed to be for myself, but not against my fellows. I began to realize that I did not have to see my circumstances and experiences in extremes, but rather as part of my learning process. I began to realize that I could incorporate learning curves to all my learning. I began to realize that I could set my own rate and pace for learning.

I began to realize that I did not have to see my discomfort and pain as negatives, but rather as catalysts for positive change. I began to realize that I did not have to place judgements on my efforts. I began to realize that I could substitute my black and white thinking with shades of gray. I began to realize that I could substitute my all or none thinking with the concept of opportunities and possibilities. I began to realize that I could accept myself and my reality.

I began to realize that I could live and think outside of the box that I had willingly allowed other people to define for me.

I began to realize that I no longer needed to depend on the opinions of other people to validate or define my self-esteem. I began to realize that I could begin to be my own cheerleader. I began to realize that I could begin to define my own self-worth, self-value and self-esteem. I began to realize that I could begin to dance to my own drum. I began to realize that I could begin to freely express myself. I began to realize that I could begin to trust the process, a loving God and myself.

I began to realize that I could begin to have a relationship with myself.

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Please read Part 1 and Part 3 for context. Thank you.

With my awareness I slowly began to realize that I no longer needed to set myself up to have low-self esteem — by looking to other people to validate my worth and value. I slowly began to realize that I could learn how to detach myself from what other people thought of me. I slowly began to realize that I did not have to base my self-esteem and my self-worth on what other people thought of me.

I slowly began to realize that my self-esteem and self-worth were never meant to come from outside of me. I slowly began to realize the message brought forth in the following quote — “No one can make you feel inferior with out your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Through my awareness I slowly began to realize that I no longer had to give my self-worth and self-esteem away. I slowly began to realize that I could change my motivations. I could stop looking to people for approval. I could stop seeking to justify myself through the eyes of other people. I could learn how to express myself with out first needing to seek the approval of other people. In my awareness I discovered that I could let people believe what they wanted to believe while practicing live and let live.

With my process, I slowly began to realize that I did not have to answer, defend, explain or justify myself to have self-esteem. I slowly began to realize that to build my self-esteem I needed to be aware of my motivations. I slowly began to realize that I needed to stop practicing self-defeating behaviors — such as people pleasing and approval seeking. I slowly began to realize that I needed to be aware of the triggers that drove me to do more in an attempt to be enough.

Please read the conclusion in Part 3. Thank you.

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Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. In the past several days I have been thinking about the topic of self-esteem. Last night I attended a meeting and the topic of self-esteem was tabled for discussion. As I listened, reflected and thought about my own experience I realized that several key components had played a significant role in my pursuit of self-esteem. Performance and relationships.

My drive to be accepted by people to define my worth and value as a person dominated my behavior for many years. In the process, I discarded parts of myself in an attempt to be OK with other people and myself. In actuality, I was driven by the notion that I needed to make you OK with me, so that I knew you and I were OK , before I could hope to be ok with myself. This behavior manifested itself in all my relationships and in the process undermined my ability to be at peace with myself.

In the process I traded my opinion for the opinion of the people. The consequence of such behavior left me in a spiritual and emotional disarray. In the process I traded serenity for the hope of creating peace between other people and myself so that I could have peace with myself.

Through my process I began to realize that I had become dependent upon the moods of other people. In my dependence I strove through performance to “fix” other people in an attempt to garnish self-esteem. As a traumatic brain injury survivor with an invisible disability I became a convenient scapegoat for other people’s irritability and discontent. Consequently, in my attempt to compensate for my invisible deficits and limitation as well as my low or non existent-self-esteem I strove all the more in an attempt to achieve my self-esteem.

Through my process I discovered that by attempting to garnish my self-esteem from other people I set myself up to have low self-esteem and self-worth. I discovered that I had willingly given my self-esteem and self-worth into the hands of people over which I could not control and over which I could not “fix”.

Please read Part 2 and Part 3 for context. Thank you.

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Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. As you may know I created Second Chance to Live on February 6, 2007 at the encouragement of a friend. During the past 34 months I have shared my experience, strength and hope with you. Your on going friendship and interest in Second Chance to Live has been a tremendous blessing to me. I am and I have been honored by your time and kindness.

As I have reached out to you, you have reached back to me through your comments and questions. By doing so you have been a part of my journey and my process. Thank you. Because you have been a significant part of my process and my journey — during the past 34 months — I wanted to share a significant milestone with you. With this article I am celebrating the 500th article that I have written for Second Chance to Live. The journey has been wonderful.

I look forward to the opportunity of writing another 500 articles. I also look forward to continuing to hear from you. Please let me know if you would like me to write an article about a specific topic. In addition, if you would like me to come to speak at a location near where you live please let your group, organization, association or corporation know of my availability. I look forward to being of service. In conclusion, I would again like to thank you for you friendship and for making Second Chance to Live part of your life.

Have a simply phenomenal day.

Craig

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Please read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 , Part 4 and Part 5 for context. Thank you.

Through out this 5 part series I have shared what helped me begin to heal. I began to heal because of my pain, anguish and my search for answers and solutions. In the following articles I elaborate on how I found answers and solutions. For more information into what helped me to begin to heal I would encourage you to read though the following articles.

As you read through the articles, if you have questions please feel free to ask. I will do my best to answer your questions. Below are the links to the articles.

What is Keeping you Stuck?, Whose Shame are you Carrying?, Displaced Sadness, Whose Life are you Living?, Who am I?, Traumatic Brain Injury and the Missing Pieces and Traumatic Brain Injury and the Pinball Machine.

In my search for answers I slowly began to realize that I had been denying my reality. I began to understand that I had been buying into various denial systems — both mine and what other people had for me. I speak to this awareness in my 4 part series My Struggle Living with and Invisible Disability and my 2 Part series Having an Invisible Disability — The Consequence of Denying my Reality.

Through my awareness I began to realize my opportunities. On the Road to Healing, Brain Injury, Self-Esteem, Self-Respect and Significance, Traumatic Brain Injury — Following your bliss…regardless, Small Successes, The Power of Identification,The Measure of a Champion , Traumatic Brain Injury and Not Judging Our Efforts, and In Pursuit of Destiny.

Please let me know if the above articles have been helpful to you. Thank you.

In Part 3 of this series I mentioned that there were 2 books that helped me to begin to heal. I stated in Part 3 that I would give you the titles of these books. Here are the titles and authors to those books.

Shame and Guilt — Master’s of Disquise Jane Middleton- Moz

Drama of the Gifted Child Alice Miller

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Please read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 , Part 4 and the Epilogue for context. Thank you.

Through my awareness I began to heal when I began to realize that God — as a loving father — was using my circumstances and my experiences to direct me to the destiny — for which I had been created. I began to heal when I stopped placing judgements on what occurred in my life. I began to heal when I changed the way in which I framed and experienced my lessons — as part of my empowering process, instead of as a way to point out where I was not “measuring” up.

I began to heal when I stopped “shoulding” on myself and my life.

I began to heal when I started to realize that what I learned through my process was more important than arriving at any destination. I began to heal when I took responsibility for how I choose to react to individuals, groups, organizations, churches and religious institutions. I began to heal when I started to realize that no one can make me feel inferior with out my consent. I began to heal when I started to practice the principle of live and let live.

I began to heal when I stopped buying into other peoples denial systems. I began to heal when I started to accept my reality. I began to heal when I stopped buying into other people’s value systems. I began to heal when I started celebrating my small successes.

I began to heal as I realized that I needed to practice detachment — emotionally, physically and spiritually — from situations that I proved to not be good for me. I began to heal when I stopped believing that I should have already mastered everything. I began to heal when I started believing that with all learning therein involves a learning curve. I began to heal when I realized that I could use my gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for me.

I began to heal when I realized that ALL my circumstances occurred in my life to teach me lessons, to prepare me for opportunities, to point me in the direction of my destiny. I began to heal when I realized that I no longer had to have the big picture. I began to heal when I started to trust the process, a loving God and myself.

Please read the Epilogue of this series for context. Thank you.

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Please read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 5 and the Epilogue for context. Thank you.

Through my process I began to change the way in which I experienced my life and my relationships. Through my process I began to realize that could learn from my mistakes rather than continuing to buy into the lie that I was a mistake. Through my process I began to realize that I no longer had to fight against my myself for the process to work. Through my process I began to realize that I could stop sabotaging myself and my life. Through my process I began to realize that I did not have to be a victim.

Through my awareness I began to realize that I could stop struggling to prove my worth and value and be.

Through my process I began to realize that I could stop practicing self-defeating behaviors. Through my process I began to realize that I no longer needed to see myself as a victim. Through my process I began to realize that I could use the power of choice. Through my process I began to realize that I could stop doing the same things, over and over again while expecting to get different results. Through my process I began to realize that I could start doing things to empower my process and my relationships.

Through my process I began to realize that I could practice healthy self-care.

Through my awareness I began to realize that God wasn’t doing things to me, but for me. Through my awareness I discovered that many times God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. Through my awareness I began to realize that– although I had been driven and controlled by shame and guilt — God did not operate in such fashion. Through my awareness I began to realize that I had been created me to be an empowered human being, rather than merely a human doing.

Please read Part 5 for context. Thank you.

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Please read Part 1, Part 2 , Part 4 , Part 5 and the Epilogue for context. Thank you.

As I became aware of how shame was impacting my life I made a decision. I decided to gain as much information as I could about shame and guilt. Two books were of tremendous benefit in my quest to be free of the effects shame. I will list these two books below my epilogue at the conclusion of this series in Part 4 .

I discovered that there was a stark difference between shame and guilt. A person feels guilt when they make a mistake. When a person feels guilt they can do something to assuage their guilt — by making an amends. Shame on the other hand is a being wound. The individual does not believe that they make mistakes, but that they are mistakes. With shame the individual not only feels as though they make mistakes but that they are a mistake.

… so they strive all the more in an attempt to not feel like a mistake.

In my experience, I began to heal emotionally and spiritually when I was able to start replacing the filters of old with new filters. I began to heal emotionally and spiritually when I began to realize that I was not a mistake. I began to heal emotionally and spiritually when I stopped buying into the notion that I was responsible for rather than to other people. I began to heal emotionally and spiritually when I stopped placing judgment on my circumstances and my experiences. I began to heal emotionally and spiritually when I started to believe that my good was good enough.

I discovered that I needed to change the way in which I framed and filtered my circumstances and experiences. I discovered that I needed to stop judging my circumstances and experiences. I needed to start believing that my good was good enough.

Through my new filters I slowly began understand that my circumstances and experiences were given to me as gifts not as gauntlets to survive. With my understanding I began to see my circumstances and experiences as teachers instead of taskmasters — given to me to point me in the direction of my destiny. I began to realize that my circumstances and experiences were / are opportunities given to me to build me up, not to tear or keep me down. I began to realize that my circumstances and experiences were / are occurring for my good. I began to realize that I could trust the process.

I began to realize that I no longer needed to or had to buy into the notion that I am a victim. With my awareness I began to realize that I could chose to live my life as an empowered being because of my circumstance and experiences. With my awareness I began to realize that I could chose to spend time with people, groups and organizations who / that would enhance, rather than hinder my relationships — with God, other people and myself.

Please read Part 4 for context. Thank you.

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Please read Part 1, Part 3 , Part 4 and the Epilogue for context. Thank you

In my desire to grow in my relationship with God I was encouraged to get connected to a body of other believers. As I started developing my relationship with God through my church life I found myself driven by a familiar performance based acceptance. What I heard taught in church triggered my feelings or inadequacy and fear. Instead of helping me to heal emotionally and spiritually — through a relationship with God — I found myself hearing how I was not measuring up to have a relationship with God.

Instead of learning to rest and trust in my relationship with God I felt driven to do more to feel secure in my relationship with God. Because I rarely felt as though I was able to measure up to what I heard taught in church I felt alienated from both God, other people and myself. Instead of finding freedom from my sense of shame and my fear of abandonment I found myself controlled and driven to prove my worth and value to have a relationship with God.

The unconditional love that I heard talked about seemed to be predicated with stipulations. In the midst of my trying to resolve the double message I developed a love-hate relationship with God.

I continued to be driven — in my attempts to do enough to be enough — until I hit an emotional and spiritual bottom in my life. My emotional / spiritual turmoil helped me to realize that I had to make some changes. Consequently, I realized that I could no longer subject myself to that which was killing me. I realized that I needed to physically, emotionally and spiritually detach myself from churches and other institutions that motivated and controlled through the use of a shame based spirituality.

I realized that I had to physically detach myself from systems that sought to control through the use of a performance driven and shame based spirituality.

Once I made the decision to detach and stop subjecting myself to shame driven messages I began to heal. As I began to heal I slowly stopped fighting against myself. I slowly stopped “spiritualizing” everything that happened in my world. I slowly started to see life in grays instead of only black and whites. I slowly began to understand that I had placed God in a box. I slowly began to understand that I was created to be a human being, not a human doing. I slowly started to realize that I had discarded parts of myself.

I slowly started to understand that there was a difference between guilt and shame. I slowly started to be responsible to myself.

Please read Part 3 for context. Thank you.

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Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am honored by your presence my friend. Earlier this evening I was involved in a discussion. One facet of the discussion surrounded the topic of spiritual awakenings. As I listened to various people share from their experiences I reflected back upon my spiritual journey. As I considered my journey I realized that I had found a new freedom and a new happiness. Below I will share some of my pilgrimage with you my friend.

From an early age I learned that my good was not good enough and that I was the cause of unrest, irritability and discontent. In my attempts to counteract my feelings of shame and my fear of abandonment I strove to be perfect. Perfectionism drove my life along with my performance based acceptance mentality. I strove to be more than so that I would not be shamed and blamed for not being enough. Over time I became what I have heard described as human doing — because I did not know how to be.

For many years, I was not so much interested in living my life, but in surviving what happened to me. Perfectionism along with a performance base acceptance drove me as I attempted to do enough to be enough. In the process I attempted to control people and my environment through assuming responsibility for what was out of my control. In my attempts to control my circumstances and my environment I had no idea of how to have and maintain healthy relationships — with God, other people or myself.

And then one day some one shared with me that God wanted to have a relationship with me — and I reached back to God. As I began to pursue a relationship with God I initially felt unequivocally accepted by God.

Please read Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 for context. Thank you.

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