A reader in Albania shared the picture of the name of a real town in his country.

I wonder if it's pronounced Poo-kay. I also wonder if there's a lot of upheaval there.

This sign shows what a difference a single letter can make! (and I'm not talking about the misspelling of the French word omelette, where they doubled the wrong letter)

Personally I would much rather have a breakfast treat!

Some businesses offer a variety of services, ... or maybe not?

A reader hiking in the great outdoors in the Canadian Rockies spotted this sign, with no restroom in sight ... other than the great outdoors....

Here's another restroom sign where you have to look carefully to identify which door is yours.

I wonder how many matches have been made as people spend time together trying to figure out which door to use.

This sign is from Hendersonville, TN, not another country.

Getting an alignment in this shop wouldn't inspire my confidence.

I don't know where this sign is located, but it seems like a poor way of making up for shoddy engineering.

In case you couldn't tell what warning the sign was giving, here's a closer shot.

I guess it's much easier to put up a warning sign than it is to move whatever it is that's going to bonk people on the head if they don't duck!

I hope the proprietors of this business can clean clothes better than they can install signs.

Readers traveling in the Florida Keys spotted this sign.

A reader found this ironic sign a number of years ago.

I wonder what the restaurant serves if not food or drink.

A reader saw some irony in the sign below.

I don't know where this picture was taken, but maybe it doesn't matter?

Here's another "maybe" ... maybe I'll feel reassured or maybe I'll feel threatened? Or maybe the sign should read "may be?"

I don't pick up hitchhikers, but if I ever did, it would certainly not be here!

Do you have a favorite among these signs? Maybe you have an explanation for some of the ironies in these signs. As always, if you spot a sign that strikes you funny, please send it my way!

quotation...

"It is ironic that anyone who appeals to religious values today runs the risk of being called 'divisive' or attacked as an enemy of pluralism." - William J. Bennett

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Advice is usually what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

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That sums up fairly well 95% of the news updates we hear after the death this world's "heros."

Did you hear that our economy is struggling?! As you well know, the news is full of stories of bankruptcies, layoffs, and gloomy forecasts, all the while struggling to make it look as if Obama is delivering the hope and change he promised instead of making things worse. But if you've been hit hard personally by the economy, you don't need news coverage to tell you so. Because many people have been affected personally or have loved ones affected, I have not been asking people in jest whether they've heard that heard that the economy is in trouble, as I do with the death of Michael Jackson. That said, though, I did have to chuckle at a list of indicators I received recently from an ivman reader who teaches business at my university.

You know the economy is really bad when....

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

You went to buy a toaster oven and they gave you a bank.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Officials from the Obama administration meet with small businesses — GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup, and GM — to discuss the Stimulus Package.

Mothers in China are telling their children to clean their plates because children are starving in America.

McDonald's is selling the Quarter-Ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and are learning the names of their own children.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

The bank returns your check marked as "Insufficient Funds" and you call them to ask if they meant you or themselves.

What are you or those close to you doing differently because of the current economy? I'm sure your personal belt-tightening is more serious than the list above.

quotation...

"Self-interest is not necessarily selfishness." - Dr. Marty Marriott

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Things have gotten so bad that gold diggers are now marrying for love.

Comments

• July 6, 2009, Michael writes: My wife and I aren't doing anything that different because of the difficult economic times. We aren't putting money into the stock market, though. I agree with you about the nonsense that often presents itself as continuous news coverage. The drivel and pointless interviews while we're waiting for the next hollow news conference makes me feel like my brain cells are drying.
• July 6, 2009, Lynnette writes: Yes, the news coverage is pointless, but someone without Christ entering eternal punishment is sobering.
• July 6, 2009, Carrie writes: Our family is very thankful that Steven has a better-paying job than before the downturn. So. . . And his check comes from the government (Army)! I don't even own a TV, but am tired of all the coverage of MJ. Sure, he was a pop icon, but man, he was so confused! As Lynnette mentioned, his death is sobering. .-= Carrie's most recent blog post ... Psalm 138:8 =-.
• July 6, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - You're wise to avoid the stock market for now. Our retirement has been greatly diminished. @Lynnette and Carrie - MJ's passing is sobering indeed, as it is when anyone leaves this earthly scene.
• July 7, 2009, Tammy writes: I for one am glad that the news has lots of Michael Jackson. I don't have to hear about the economy that much -- my husband has lost 4 jobs within 3 years. I also didn't have to hear anything more about Jon and Kate. Your governor isn't making as much news as before. MJ news was a way to escape reality but at the same time it was a sad reality. As Janet Jackson said we have have lost an icon but they lost a family member -- a brother, son, and father. The other day I saw this on MSNB and put the quote on Facebook: Biden: "We misread how bad the economy was." If he had asked me I could have told him.
• July 7, 2009, Roy Hooper writes: Hey Rob! We're building a chicken tractor (a chicken coop on wheels that can be moved about the yard) and will soon have 3,4, or 5 chickens. It's all about being self-sufficient and preparing for the economic meltdown. Hey Rob, should I get a gun and a year's worth of canned goods too? Seriously, we are getting chickens b/c some kind person is giving us some from their brood. We just need to build the "coop". Have plans, so off to Lowe's we go! Roy
• July 7, 2009, Rob writes: @Tammy - MJ's passing certainly did upstage a lot of the other news the media was drooling over. My solution was to avoid the news as much as possible. Sorry to hear about all your husband's job woes. It's definitely tough out there right now! @Roy - Wow! You're our second friend here in town to get chickens recently! We know where to turn if/when we need eggs in the future. :-) As far as greater self-sufficiency is concerned, one thing we did was to double the size of our garden this year. The Lord sent a special blessing in that we have a "volunteer" butternut squash growing in our compost heap, and it's loaded with squash! I had already planted butternut squash, but this was an unexpected bonus for us!
• July 7, 2009, Dave writes: One of my favorite recession jokes: "AIG says they're trying to raise more money by selling their big office building in New York. It's 66 stories! And not one of them is the truth." --Jay Leno .-= Dave's most recent blog post ... Venus de Milo the Streaking Leper =-.
• July 8, 2009, Heather writes: Thanks for the laughs over the economy. It was great to feel like laughing, not crying! :) I've been learning a lot about our Lord's promises to care for His children; when my hours got scaled back at work (I got two days of work last week), He has never been at a loss to provide. The world worries over what it will eat, what it will drink, what it will wear for clothing. They eagerly seek these things, but my Father in heaven knows I need all these things. But if I seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things -- all these very legitimate needs -- will be added to me. And the Lord gave me five days of work this week. :)
• July 8, 2009, Rob writes: @Dave - That's a good one by Leno. Thanks for sharing. @Heather - I'm happy to hear that you were able to laugh at this post. Someone wrote to say that, with the current level of unemployment, some might not find the post humorous. Ironically, an e-mail arriving at exactly the same time said, "I like this one!" I have always found it therapeutic to laugh at least a little at difficult things you cannot change. A good sense of humor can carry us through a lot of the difficulties of this life. Even better is a quiet confidence in the Lord, as expressed by your comment. My son-in-law's position as an assistant manager is not secure at all. Yet as a believer, he is much more calm than his manager who doesn't know the Lord. Thanks for a testimony to God's grace and provision in hard times!

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When I think about how different my life is now from when I was a child and recognize how dependent I've become on technology, it's almost startling. And if you had ever told me that I would one day work summers as a PC tech, I would have thought they were crazy!

Below are some cartoons in my files about the impact of technology on us.

Is your life better because of technology? How has technology improved or diminished your quality of life? Do you have more stress or less stress because of all the gadgets and appliances in your life?

quotation...

"Scripture leaves no room for spiritual neutrality." - Jeremy McMorris

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord or its battery life.

Comments

• July 2, 2009, Deborah writes: Great cartoons -- they really hit home! :o I grew up without even a phone in the house -- and now I call my dad for free (and get to see him!) via Skype! Truly amazing! .-= Deborah's most recent blog post ... Duh Wed Wipe Stwahbehwee! =-.
• July 2, 2009, Heather writes: As a Generation X-er, I grew up watching technology explode into what it is now. And even though it can be a huge pain and a potentially huge distraction from many important things, it does have it's benefits: For example, I will be teaching piano in a (very) rural Christian school. There's no BJA to give excellent live performances for my students to hear. But I can have my students listen to recordings of Rachmaninoff playing his own etudes on YouTube. Another example: a missionary friend of mine just arrived in the Philippines. I emailed her to tell her I was praying for her, and got a reply in less than 12 hours. Adoniram Judson would never have dreamed of such a luxury. I guess I'll vote for technology. :)
• July 3, 2009, Lyn writes: Speaking of technology -- before your blog was hacked a little 77 showed up by your blog on my bookmark list. Now there is nothing. One time the cup of coffee showed up but didn't last because my computer crashed shortly after that and the coffee never returned. Is it something in your system or is it mine? Or did you choose not to use it anymore? I really enjoy your ivs and have enjoyed Becka's as well. We are truly thankful for technology here in Romania. We don't feel so isolated. Keep up the good work.
• July 3, 2009, Rob writes: @Deborah, Heather, and Lyn - I will agree that for long-distance communications, particularly to and from other continents, you gotta love the current technology! The two summers we were in China teaching, it was wonderful to be able to e-mail and Skype our kids back here in the States. There are many aspects of technology that we find beneficial, but it can be really frustrating and stressful when the technology upon which we become dependent fails. The expense related to technology is not totally beneficial.
• July 4, 2009, Jessica writes: Maybe some of your tecchie friends will enjoy this little parody on Dr. Seuss and how he might see computer science. http://www.seuss.org/seuss/seuss.byte.html
• July 5, 2009, Tammy writes: The cartoons were great. We could on and on in all that we have seen in changes. Our daughter graduated on June 12, the same day that TV went digital. I told her to remember the day because someday digital will become outdated and she can tell her children I remember when....
• July 6, 2009, Rob writes: @Jessica - Mr. Ziegler has certainly caught the essence of Dr. Seuss's style! Thanks for sharing that! :-) @Tammy - Isn't that the truth?! Remember the wonderful invention of cassette tapes? It was such a huge improvement over 8-track tapes. Then the CD! Now the mp3 player! Where will it end? Today's technology is fodder for future episodes of Antiques Roadshow! :-D
• July 6, 2009, Michael writes: I often get historical (not hysterical) when the power goes out. As I'm sitting there in the dark with no TV, no computer, no radio, no nothing, I wonder what people a little over a century ago did. I guess they did a lot of reading by candlelight. Also, they went to bed. These are two activities we should all do more of. I think technology has brought a lot of advantages but it has caused us to live less healthy and more shallow lives.
• July 6, 2009, Carrie writes: I know I waste more time on the internet than anything else. BUT it's so great to be able to keep up with people that I would not be able to otherwise. Technology will never replace wisdom and self-control.
• July 6, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - That's funny ... I have often thought the same thing. When our power was out a couple of years ago, we took turns reading a book to each other by oil lamp light. It was rough going on aging eyes. @Carrie - The time online is elusive! It's so easy to spend far longer than you ever meant to when you sit down and start to surf. I've heard it helps to set a timer. :-)
• July 7, 2009, Jenni writes: I worked in the Help Desk/Technology field for about 8 years. While my job has changed/shifted in the last couple years, I’m still a geek and use a computer all day long! Couldn’t survive without it! Below is one of my favorite computer-related comics I saw several years ago.

  

  (posted for Jenni by Rob)
• July 7, 2009, Rob writes: @Jenni - Thanks for sharing the cartoon. It is tough to have to do manually "tasks" you're used to doing with a computer. ;-)

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With summer officially here, thoughts turn towards a vacation trip (my apologies to those in the southern hemisphere where it's now winter ... which sounds good right now as our temps here are in the upper 90s F!) Each country has areas full of charm and also idiosyncrasies. Today's iv highlights some of those "quaint aspects" of several parts of the USA.

If you get lost traveling, how can you tell where you are?

You might be in Arizona if...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've learned to open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
4. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
5 You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
6. The 4 seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
7. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You might be in California if...
1. You make over $250,000 a year, and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You sleep through earthquakes.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. You think that you're normal and everyone else is behind the times.

You might be in Michigan if...
1. Your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.
2. The word "thumb" brings to mind first a geographical rather than anatomical significance.
3. You learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
4. You expect to receive Vernors when you order ginger ale.
5. Half the coins in your pocket are Canadian.
6. You drive 80 mph on the highway and pass on the right.

You might be in New York City if...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You might be in the Deep South if...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You might be in Maine if...
1. You have only three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than on your car.
5. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all" or "all y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
6. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and Black flies.

You might be in Colorado if...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You might be in the Midwest if...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, for example "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You might be in Florida if....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

We hope to go north later this summer to see family and for a much-needed "Grandma and Grandpa fix" before the new school year begins. Do you have any travel plans?

If any of you want to make a list for your home state or country or if you can add to any of the above, comment away!

quotation...

"Belief affects behavior, and behavior reflects belief." - Dr. Bruce McAllister

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Comments

• June 29, 2009, Lynnette writes: Being an MK from NYC, it was great to read that. I'd have to agree with quite a few of those statements. The Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Buildings are tourist attractions -- you don't visit if you're a native (unless it's on a elementary school field trip).
• June 29, 2009, Jkopp writes: I was reminded of this today... You're from the South if turn signals are optional. .-= Jkopp's most recent blog post ... Worst Job? =-.
• June 30, 2009, LeAnne Solt writes: You might be from the east coast if you think Indiana is "Out West." (Jo, if you're reading this, thanks for the inspiration! :)
• June 30, 2009, Bruce writes: You know you are a true Wisconsinite when: You know several people who have hit deer more than once. Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife (girlfriend) knows how to use them. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed. You refer to the Packers as "we."
• June 30, 2009, Dave writes: I have to add one: "You live in the Deep South if your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed" Your collection of jokes (topics and amount for each topic) is staggering to say the least. .-= Dave's most recent blog post ... Class with Professor Al Capone =-.
• June 30, 2009, Melissa writes: Rob, being from the Midwest, I always wondered why ending my sentence with a preposition was such a hard habit to break and sounded so natural! Another thing about us midwesterns is that we think we are the only ones that speak normal and EVERYBODY else has the accents. Also, unlike the New England states who tend to drop "r's" in words, we tend to add them. Some members of my family still insist what you do to your clothes (wash) includes an "r" (and becomes warsh).
• June 30, 2009, Carrie writes: Thanks for the laughs. I grew up in Michigan, and lived in the Deep South for 10 years. I was just wishing you had one on Alaska. It's definitely a unique place, and we are loving it! .-= Carrie's most recent blog post ... The Lemonade Sweater =-.
• July 1, 2009, Michael writes: I just got back from a vacation in Maine and would like to add You might be in Maine if the word "wicked" always has a positive connotation.
• July 1, 2009, b.j. writes: Having lived in many of these places, I had a hard time not laughing out loud here! How could you forget Michigan lefts? the only place where it "makes sense" that you have to turn right to make a left hand turn...
• July 1, 2009, Vikki writes: You might be in Wisconsin if: * you refer to the Packers as "we" * you know what cowtipping is * you know what a bubbler is * you thought everyone drank from "bubblers" * your school lost half their student body during deer season * you go out for fish fry every Friday * you've seen mosquitoes with landing lights * you know someone who can use "ja, der hey" in a sentence * you ever went to a wedding reception in a bowling alley * you can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon * you can make sense out the words upnort and Trivers * you've seen a hodag * you know where Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Kaukauna, Butte des Morts and Shawano are AND can pronounce and spell them * you or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair * you know how to polka * your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday Having been born and raised in Wisconsin I couldn't resist!
• July 2, 2009, Kathleen writes: You might be in Scotland if... 1. 70 degrees is hot. 2. Cloudy is "lovely" weather. 3. Someone taking pictures of the sheep is an obvious tourist. 4. You can't count the number of times you've taken Americans to Edinburgh Castle. 5. There's a speed bump on every residential road. 6. There's a roundabout at every intersection. 7. An old building is at least 400 years old. 8. The forests are all planted in straight rows. 9. It's raining.
• July 2, 2009, Rob writes: @Lynnette - That's like my relatives who live in the suburbs of Paris who rarely go to any of the "must-sees" in Paris. @JKopp - I have also found that to be true, sadly. @LeAnne - That's a funny insight. @Bruce and Vikki - Interesting to compare your two lists. Both are funny. Thanks for posting them. @Dave - Funny redneck joke, Dave. Thanks for noticing that I try to keep the subject matter varied on my blog. There are so many things in life that have a humorous side. @Melissa - I think that it's probably natural for any person to think that everyone who speaks differently from him as having "an accent." I've had Southerners comment about my "Yankee accent." :-) @Carrie - You need to write a list of Alaskan pecularities. @Michael - That expression is more wide-spread than just in Maine. I have students from elsewhere in New England who use wicked in the way you've described. It always takes me off guard. @b.j. - We really miss those Michigan left-hand turns. It's annoying to us that in the South, those turning left go first. It just doesn't seem right that 6 lanes of traffic have to sit and wait for two lanes to go first. Something not quite logical about that in our way of thinking. @Kathleen - Funny list! Thanks for sharing.
• July 2, 2009, Vikki writes: I've just got to ask one question on my list above from Wisconsin. Does anyone know what a "hodag" is besides myself and possibly Bruce? No fair looking it up! My husband's grandfather loved telling about them. He also whittled some to sell.
• July 3, 2009, Rob writes: @Vikki - I'm fighting the temptation to look the word up, but I will resist. I'll wait to see if others attempt to tell what it is.
• July 4, 2009, Jessica writes: You know you're in Maine if you get in the "cah" to pick up a "pizzer." We can take one from CA too, actually: When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. Also, my dad tells me Maine actually has 3 seasons: winter, almost winter, and mud season. But black flies should probably go in there too.
• July 6, 2009, Rob writes: @Jessica - The confusion with ah and er seems to be more widespread than Maine. In fact, it seems to be all down the Eastern coast. In Boston they pahk the cah. Here in South Carolina I had a woman named Edna tell me she hated her name as a child because so many people pronounced it Edner ... which to her was ugly.
• July 6, 2009, b.j. writes: Hodag? hmmm, sounds like something my little brothers and sisters would have called "hot dogs" if they didn't already call them "hocker-dogs." Don't leave us in suspense!
• July 6, 2009, Rob writes: @b.j. - Vikki sent me the hodag story. Man was I way off in my imagining! :-D I may make it a whole blog post soon.

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Do you ever get ideas from reading blogs? My wife did a post recently about the inspiration she gets from reading other blogs. Yesterday Bet over at Dappled Things had a post discussing two of my summertime enemies — mosquitoes and poison ivy. I commented on her blog that I am bait for both. Shuddering at the thought of poison ivy reminded me of some quotations in my files.

The I.V. of ivman, for you newer readers, stands for "instant vacation." You can read more about how this whole "iv" thing got started on my about page. My iv's are intended to give my readers some much-needed laughs. I've named this blog post "Poison I.V." because it is a list of borderline venomous quotations that range from cynical, to pessimistic, to thought-provoking, to hilarious! Some of the quotations are actually insults, but I think you will LOL at some of them.

I am always a bit hesitant to share quotations of people that I'm not familiar with for fear that the one quoted is some weirdo or creep. So I will add the following disclaimer — if in my ignorance I am sending a quotation from such a person, I'm doing so innocently. Never assume malice for what ignorance could explain.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. - Ambrose Bierce

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. - H.L. Mencken

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type. - Fran Lebowitz

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive. - G.K. Chesterton

Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with the nonconformity. - Eric Hoffer

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke

If you leave the smallest corner of your head vacant for a moment, other people's opinions will rush in from all quarters. - George Bernard Shaw

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open. - Ogden Nash

Every Frenchman wants to enjoy one or more privileges; that's the way he shows his passion for equality. - Charles de Gaulle

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another. - Frank J. Dobie

A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him. - Nathaniel Branden

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. - John F. Kennedy

There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it. - Denis Diderot

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible. - Jean Kerr

The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth. - Edith Sitwell

Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes. - George Norman Douglas

A woman does not spend all her time in buying things; she spends part of it in taking them back. - Edgar Watson Howe

Washington is the only place where sound travels faster than light. - C.V.R. Thompson

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. - Groucho Marx

A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

Suppose you were an idiot..... And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. - George Ade

We live in an environment whose principal product is garbage. - Russell Baker

I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. - Chauncey Depew

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. - Eric Hoffer

Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own. - G.C. Lichtenberg

When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away. - Robert M. Hutchins

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - Jonathan Swift

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. - Samuel Johnson

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? - La Rochefoucauld

The multitude of books is making us ignorant. - Voltaire

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. - Eugene McCarthy

If they really want to honor the soldiers, why don't they let them sit in the stands and have the people march by. - Will Rogers

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

There is no distinctly native American criminal class, save Congress. - Mark Twain

What this country needs are [sic] more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. - P.J. O'Rourke

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? - Harry Shearer

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. - Alan Coren

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. - Ogden Nash

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. - Artemus Ward

OK, now did you laugh at least once? And did you notice, there was not one mention of Mark Sanford, Farrah Fawcett, or Michael Jackson?

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Comments

• June 25, 2009, Mrs. Troop writes: What a fun post! I DID laugh. And I WAS relieved that you didn't mention some of today's news. Particularly entertaining to me, were your quotes from Ogden Nash. My grandmother loved humorous writing and poetry and I inherited (no one else wanted them) several volumes of Ogden Nash. We often pull them out and read them to each other and laugh hysterically. Much funnier than "new" humor, I think. Happy Thursday!
• June 25, 2009, Rob writes: @Mrs. Troop - Glad you enjoyed it. Yep, there is much venomous that could be said about those in today's news, but I wanted my blog to truly be a vacation from all that "noise." Ogden Nash is indeed very fun. I don't remember where I got the quotations of his ... I just throw these things into existing files as I receive them or stumble upon them. Who knows how long today's post has been "aging" in the My Documents\Humor folder?
• June 25, 2009, Dahv writes: I love sharp wit. I used to use it all too often, though, and often got myself in trouble at others' expense. I'm very sarcastic. It was refreshing to read some sarcasm that wasn't offensive (to anyone important :) ). Thank you, M. Loach, for the time you put into this "blague" just to make us smile, and sometimes, LOL. :)
• June 26, 2009, Carrie writes: Yes, thank you. :-)
• June 26, 2009, Rob writes: @Dahv - I have to be careful myself since I tend to sarcasm. I'm learning, though, to add a softer, ironic edge to it, though, that tries to gently poke fun at things. Sarcasm is something that we have to be very careful with because it can be quite hurtful and at times downright demeaning. @Carrie - You're most welcome. :-)
• June 26, 2009, Nancy writes: I remember attending an event one December with a friend of mine. We observed a beautifully dressed woman, and I said that it was a shame she'd have to cover up her lovely outfit with a winter coat, to which my friend replied, "Not to worry. She has her pride to keep her warm." and A colleague and I were trying to understand this comment by a book reviewer: "The brush is too broad that paints gray all black." Someone in the room commented, "Let it never be said that clarity clouds our vision."
• June 26, 2009, Roy Hooper writes: Hey Rob: If the "news" for the past few days is what sells, then it is truly a reflection of the moral climate (abyss) we are in. I was refreshingly pleased to find your blog a wonderful and entertaining departure from the news commentators droning on and on. Wouldn't it be great to have a news channel exclusively dedicated to "What God is doing on planet earth?" Roy
• June 26, 2009, Rob writes: @Nancy - Thanks for the funny stories. It's great to read real life incidences! You seem to attract incidences like this, though....
• June 26, 2009, Nancy writes: Rob, it's my magnetic personality, I suspect.
• June 27, 2009, Rob writes: @Nancy - That must be the reason.... :-)
• June 27, 2009, Dave writes: Well, Rob, in keeping with the I.V. theme, I should say that your blague continues to grow on me. .-= Dave's most recent blog post ... Michael Jackson: King of Poop =-.
• July 1, 2009, b.j. writes: LOVE the "van gogh's ear for music!" I think that would be a subtle, nicer way to refer to my dear hubby's musical talents! I guess it applies in more ways than one, though, as he is very passionate about the songs (good thing) even though the singing is, well,... haha! He's gonna love this!
• July 2, 2009, Rob writes: @b.j. - Has your husband seen your comment yet? :-)

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Do you like the sound of bagpipes? To my way of thinking, bagpipes seem to show up at some of the oddest times in some of the oddest places — even here on my blog now! When I think of bagpipes, I think of the British Isles and kilts. But bagpipes, like the Swine Flu, have spread all over the world. If you don't know much about bagpipes, there's a link to a good article on Wikipedia.

Since I did not know the parts of a bagpipe mentioned in some of the jokes, such as drones, I searched to find a picture with labeled parts. I found one picture that had detail, down to the tiniest parts (WTMI = way too much information). Instead, I'm posting the nice simplified picture I found. I also did a search for Bill Livingston, mentioned in one of the jokes below, and learned that he is legendary in the world of bagpiping. He's a Canadian world class bagpipe soloist. (Maybe like me, you didn't know there was such a thing....)

While I'm not a huge fan of bagpipes, I don't really hate them either. A number of years ago we had a Pipes and Drums group came to campus for an artist series. There were several medleys in their program, but my knowledge of bagpipe music was so sparse that I could not recognize their having gone from one number to the next. The only number in a medley that was distinct to me was Scotland the Brave. I was exultant! I had finally recognized something!

Whether you like or dislike bagpipes, I think you'll find cause for laughter in what follows.

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

"I'm fine," Angus said. "But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time."

"Well, ma laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that."

"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Mum, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes."

Two girls are walking along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!"

The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"

The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth lots more than a famous bagpiper any day.

Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a bagpipe case.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A bagpiper.

Q: What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five — one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q: How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five — one to change the bulb and four to criticize his fingering technique.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two don't really exist.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe, and doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a cat in the road and a bagpipe in the road?
A: Some people would actually swerve to miss the cat.

Q: What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A: A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q: Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A: No one knows when to come in.

Q: Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A: He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them down end to end, ... it would be a good idea.

Q: If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How late does the bagpipe band play?"
A: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q: The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB). Why?
A: They have seat belts and an air bag.

Q: Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q: Why do pipe bands march when they play?
A: Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A: Someone is blowing into it.

A Canadian Officer, pinned down with his unit in 1944 in Italy, urgently signaled his CO, "Need reinforcements to rescue us, please send six tanks or one bagpiper."

Q: How do you get two pipers in tune with each other?
A: Shoot one of them.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw?
A: The chain saw doesn't have vibrato.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a lawn mower.
A: People get upset when someone borrows their lawn mower and doesn't give it back.

Q: What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A: He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q: Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: What's the definition of "optimism"?
A: A bagpiper with a beeper.

Q: What's the range of a bagpipe?
A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

A man walked into an office building after parking his car. When he got on the elevator, he said, "Oh no! I left my bagpipes in my car! Somebody might have stolen them!"

Back to the car he ran, and, sure enough, when he got there, his back window was smashed out. But when he looked in the back seat, he found four more sets of bagpipes.

Q: What do you call 100 bagpipes at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start.

Q: Why do pipers walk when they play?
A: They are trying to get away from the sound!

Someone once said, "You don't PLAY bagpipes, you WIELD them."

Q: How can you tell the difference between bagpipe songs?
A: By their names.

Q: Why do most people hate bagpipes right away?
A: It saves time.

I look forward to your comments on bagpipes!

quotation...

"Bagpipes (noun). I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig." - Alfred Hitchcock

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Thought: How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Comments

• June 22, 2009, Dave writes: I'm not a bagpiper, but these are cold. Just downright cold. I apologize in advance if you see some semblance of these jokes at The History Bluff in the future. .-= Dave's most recent blog post ... Paul Newman Reportedly Looking Good in His The History Bluff T-Shirt =-.
• June 22, 2009, Carrie writes: Hey!!! I like bagpipes! It's my dad's fault, I think. My sister-in-law is of Scottish descent, and she and my brother had a piper at their wedding. You can hardly help liking the bagpipes at the end of Amazing Grace (William Wilberforce). .-= Carrie's most recent blog post ... Death is not Dying =-.
• June 22, 2009, Rob writes: @Dave - Did you mean cold or cool? @Carrie - You're right — I can hardly help liking the bagpipes at the end of Amazing Grace! In fact, I'm not sure anything can help me liking them at the end of Amazing Grace. :o
• June 22, 2009, Dahv writes: While bagpipes are not my favorite, I do appreciate a little of their music every now and then. After reading all of those jokes, I kinda feel sorry for all the poor, smashed-up bagpipers who bear the brunt of many a bagpipe joke. :) At least no one has hit me with any pianist jokes. (I know I'm leaving myself open, but what else do I say after that? :) .-= Dahv's most recent blog post ... Surgery and aftermath =-.
• June 22, 2009, Rob writes: @Dahv - All joking aside, I also actually appreciate a little of their music every now and then. It's kind of like salt or pepper, a little is good, but a lot isn't. I've not yet heard your piano music....
• June 22, 2009, Tim writes: I recall many years ago a wise and witty professor of mine, Mr. Mulfinger, saying to his students "There are two kinds of men in the world, there are gentlemen and there are those who play the bagpipes!"
• June 23, 2009, Dan writes: @Dahv and Rob -- You said you actually appreciate a little of their music. You must be confusing them with another instrument that actually makes music. Bagpipes are like vacuum cleaners. After a while, you either get used to the noise or it drives you crazy.
• June 23, 2009, Kathleen writes: W. S. Gilbert (who wrote the libretto for the Gilbert and Sullivan operas) wrote one of his "Bab Ballads" about a bagpiper. http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/bab_ballads/html/ellen.html Word of warning, read that somewhere you can laugh without getting in trouble! In Edinburgh along the Royal Mile from Edinburgh Castle to Holyrood Palace, they've fairly recently banned the bagpipers from playing at full volume after complaints from the residents. I'm sure there's a clever comment that could be made about that if someone wants to come up with one.
• June 23, 2009, Vikki writes: Back in IL, when my husband worked at Motorola, there was a guy who would wander around the parking lot during lunch playing his bagpipe. My husband got to know him and learned that he belonged to a bagpipe group, but couldn't practice at home because of his neighbors. There was another guy we would sometimes while driving home from work, walking down the sidewalk and playing - probably for hte exact same reason. They really aren't bad outdoors, but they're a lot louder than you realize if indoors. I know, because we hired him to play at our daughter's wedding reception as a surprise for her new husband who's name was McSparran and loved bagpipes because of his Scottish heritage. He played less than 10 minutes, but that was enough. Man was it loud in there!
• June 23, 2009, Rhonda writes: I love bagpipes! But that may result from all the Scottish blood coursing through my veins. I know some disagree, but I enjoy the bagpipes and drums at the opening service of the BJU school year and their accompaniment outside as we walk at commencement. And to be even more controversial, I'll admit that I think kilts are cool! :) However, I know I'd never get my husband to wear one. :)
• June 23, 2009, Megan writes: My best friend is a world-champion bagpiper who actually makes quite a bit of money playing at funerals and weddings and other events. Although I'm still not the biggest fan of bagpipe music, I will admit that nothing is more moving than hearing bagpipe music at a funeral.
• June 23, 2009, Rob writes: @Tim - He was a wise and witty man indeed! @Dan - So, are you saying that you don't like bagpipes and that they don't produce music? ;-) @Kathleen - I'll have to explore that link. Your second comment seems to go with what Vikki had to say after you. @Vikki - I know a retired teacher who even contended that whistling is an outdoor sport. I'd like to know what she would think of bagpipes indoors. @Rhonda - I didn't know about your Scottish heritage. I remember your maiden name is Scott, though. Was it from that side of the family? One thing I learned from my family in France is that there is absolutely no love lost on the Brits. Maybe the French blood coursing through my veins is what makes me a bit resistant to enjoying bagpipes, rather than lack of exposure. @Megan - A second world-class piper! It sounds like a neat niche for making some extra money. Somehow bagpipes and funerals go together in my mind.... :-)
• June 23, 2009, Heather writes: The Celtic DNA in me is crying out to make *some* justification of the usefulness of bagpipes: I once had an acquaintance who would wreak revenge on drivers who sit at intersections with their windows down and whatever kind of rap/metal/fill-in-the-blank rattling everybody else's windows. He simply turned on his bagpipe music and turned it *all the way up*... After all, *nothing* can drown out the bagpipes...
• June 24, 2009, Rob writes: @Heather - Thanks for your comment. I'm trying to figure out, though, whether you're saying that bagpipes are useful as a weapons of revenge or as an annoyance. Could you clarify please? ;-)
• June 24, 2009, Karen writes: Rob, Thanks so much for putting on the jokes about bagpipes. Because I'm of Scottish decent, I LOVE the bagpipes. My family is descended from a Highlander Clan that still has a living Chieftain today in Scotland. Bagpipes were originally used for war when Clans fought or for war against the British who'd occupied their country for years. My husband who marched in the Hawkeye Marching Band used to join the 100 other guys in the band who made fun of the Highlander Band that preceded them on the field before football games. He and the other guys would intone the word "rain, rain, rain, rain..." during the bagpipe and sword dance performed. Like anything else, the bagpipes, kilts, drums, all the regalia has history that's quite interesting. For my husband's irreverence, I've requested that bagpipes be played at my home going! Thanks, Karen
• June 24, 2009, Kathleen writes: There's a lot of Gilbert's humor worth reading on there. His "Bab Ballads" are quite humorous, and he reused some ideas from them for the operas. Could we have a post of great Gilbert one-liners sometime?
• June 24, 2009, Shirley writes: As a musician, I am rebuked that I didn't know bagpipes could be tuned. I thought they were in the same family of spoons, clogs and rubber bands. Still, I do enjoy them on occasion - especially Amazing Grace.
• June 24, 2009, Rob writes: @Shirley - You do have to wonder about the tunability when you hear them, don't you?
• June 24, 2009, Uwe writes: In German bagpipe is called "Dudelsack", literally translated something like "tootle pouch". "Dudeln" is a kind of music with very few tones and without a melody. It makes you crazy indeed. So the German name is original.
• June 24, 2009, Rob writes: @Uwe - I like the German name a lot - the sound of the word and the meaning of the word! Danke!
• June 30, 2009, Dan writes: Back @ Rob (post #12), Well, if I have to take sides, I guess I eventually get used to their noise, and I enjoy vacuuming. I wouldn't say I've ever been driven crazy by either one.
• July 2, 2009, Rob writes: @Dan - Yes, unfortunately, we can get used to almost anything.

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A reader sent me a picture of a great gift idea that I just had to share.

I want one! How 'bout the rest of you dads?

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If your dad's sisters are construction workers, would you call them carpenter aunts?

Comments

• June 19, 2009, Carrie writes: Awesome. I don't see my hubby wanting one, but my younger brothers might spring for it. :o .-= Carrie's most recent blog post ... Heritage: Scripture =-.
• June 20, 2009, Steve Stratford writes: And, when you fire that bad boy up, your kids can roast marshmallows over the exhaust pipes, though they may need to wear some fireproof clothing.
• June 20, 2009, Roy Hooper writes: Are you sure that is not "Tim the Toolman Taylor" "fueling" those hotdogs? Roy
• June 22, 2009, Rob writes: @Carrie - Just think how that would warm things up there in Alaska! @Steve - There was a marshmallow-roasting thread in the comments to one of Becka's recent blog posts - http://beckasblog.ivman.com/now-im-cooking-with-gas @Roy - I can't tell from the picture.... :-D
• June 22, 2009, b.j. writes: has 500HP (hotdog power) engine, and goes from zero to 60 hamburgers in 3.5 seconds...

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As we approach the first official day of summer, there are many signs here in sunny South Carolina that summer has already come. After several years of severe drought, we have returned to our usual pattern of heat building all day until the daily late afternoon/early evening thunderstorm. We've lived in this house for five years, and our lawn has never been this green at this point in the summer! The meteorologists are predicting that tomorrow we will at least tie the record temp of 98° F.

People have told me that my posts of funny signs are among their favorite. My readers have been great about sending me pictures of signs they've seen or links to great sources of signs. Here are 15 that I hope will bring you a chuckle or two.

Mosquitoes are a bane of my summer existence. I hope I don't see this sign near our house!

Does a cool dip sound good? This no swimming sign might keep you from taking one, though.

If lobster comes to mind when you see this sign, be sure to read the small print near the price.

I'm not sure if this is the place I would seek comfort....

I don't think I'd seek comfort here either....

Here's a new take on the old "When is a door not a door?" joke.

A reader who lives in Scotland sent this picture from a hotel shower there.

The person who sent me this one was concerned that both businesses have the same phone number.

A reader took this one in her family's favorite Mexican restaurant.

Here's another "cat" sign....

A reader took this one of a sign in a car on campus this week for a home school conference.

Which way do we go?

Be sure you qualify to park here.

Can you figure out who this special lane is for?

Even if you hate stop signs, I'll bet you'd laugh if you came upon this one.

Please be on the look out for funny signs and send them my way. Do you have a favorite among these?

quotation...

"Our sin always drags others into the vortex of its power." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Have you ever been tempted to ask some total strangers you meet in public, "Excuse me, but would I offend you if I didn't show off my bare midriff or my underwear?"

Comments

• June 18, 2009, Dave writes: It's a bit off topic, but take a look at my latest wall photo. It's a menu entry that's badly misspelled. You can save it if you like and use it in a future post. Of the signs I'd have to say the unsocialized homeschoolers is the funniest. .-= Dave's most recent blog post ... Fun with the Abacus =-.
• June 18, 2009, Rob writes: @Dave - I nabbed the picture from your FB and will use it for sure. Thanks!
• June 18, 2009, Sue writes: My favorite is the last one. That's hilarious.
• June 18, 2009, Barbara H. writes: Loved these! The mosquito and stop signs are my favorites.
• June 19, 2009, Carrie writes: I'm curious if the 5 kittens are from the "cat" on the lost cat poster. . . Our weather has been unseasonable warm--in the 80s, but now it's back to normal--the 60s. I liked the sun better! I certainly do not envy your upper 90s! .-= Carrie's most recent blog post ... Another Plumbing Adventure! =-.
• June 19, 2009, Sarah writes: As for your very final statement, I've always thought it would be interesting to step on the bottom cuff of excessively baggy jeans as the wearer walked by - and then ask the embarrassed person why he cared if all of his boxers were exposed instead of just half! Needless to say, I haven't let this idea go beyond my imagination....
• June 19, 2009, Janet writes: My favorite is the lost cat! I laughed 'til I cried, especially the "NOT housebroken." I would have left a message: "Uh, . . . . that isn't a cat!" I wonder where it was sleeping? Hanging from her canopy bed by its tail? I'm emailing you a sign I found in Florida on Marathon Key in a local restaurant.
• June 19, 2009, Vikki writes: That is sure the ugliest cat I've ever seen . . . I sure hope it was put up as a joke! Wonder if anyone ever called and claimed their "cat."
• June 20, 2009, Kathleen writes: Hey! I recognize that sign from the hotel room! I think my brother must have emailed you! One sign we saw all over while traveling in the US recently that struck us as funny was "No Solicitors". In Scotland, solicitors are lawyers!
• June 22, 2009, Rob writes: Sorry, I'm dreadfully behind on replying to comments - a very full weekend. :-) A couple of answers or comments: Carrie, I had the same thought. Sarah, LOL ... and thanks for just leaving it to imagination, which is plenty already. Kathleen, it was indeed your brother. :-) Janet and Vikki, some good thoughts on that "cat." I'm a cat-person, but not partial to that particular breed.
• June 22, 2009, b.j. writes: To Sarah, I have had the same thoughts! Must resist the urge... Kathleen, I think that's so funny about the no solicitors, but probably pretty accurate regardless! haha! Thanks Rob, for posting the comments as well as the posts. Some of the comments are almost as funny as the posts! or at least add to it quite a bit!

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Living in a college town and attending a large church, we receive invitations to many weddings. It's not possible to make it to every wedding we're invited to, but we try to go to as many as we can. I actually enjoy them very much now, getting a little misty-eyed at many. And I almost always see someone I haven't seen in years! This past Friday evening we were invited to two weddings at the same time. We decided to go to the wedding of the young lady we'd known since she was a small child and we were really looking forward to it. However Becka was sick last week, so I went alone. Then the next day, Saturday afternoon, I attended another wedding alone, at another church in town, not only because Becka was still not feeling well, but also because she did not know the bride or the groom at all and I had been planning to attend it alone anyway. Don't I get some kind of purple heart for this?

With all these weddings this summer, I've been meaning to post a piece that I had in my online archives before having to rebuild my website. It's a wonderful parody of something you might read in the society pages, but full of a delightful blend of typical minute detail and untypical sketchiness. I cannot find who wrote this originally. If/when I learn who wrote it, I will happily give proper attribution. On to the post....

Here Comes the Groom

Fed up with the way the bride invariably steals the show at her own wedding, the school at which Rob Tombes works carried in its news weekly its own unbiased account of his recent marriage there to Mary Beth Snyder. It reads as follows:

Mr. Robert Tombes, son of Dr. and Mrs. Averett S. Tombes of Fairfax, VA, became the bridegroom of Miss Mary Elizabeth Snyder today at Fairfax Presbyterian Church.

Mr. Tombes was attended by his brother Thomas Hamilton Tombes as best man. As the groom approached the altar he was the cynosure of all eyes. Blushing handsomely, he replied to the questions of the clergyman in low but firm tones. He was charmingly clad in a 3-piece suit consisting of coat, vest, and pants.

The coat, of some dark material, was draped handsomely about the shoulders and tastefully gathered under the arms. A touching story was current among the guests that the coat was the one worn by his father and grandfather on their wedding days. Mr. Tombes would neither affirm nor deny the truth of this sentimental touch. The vest was sleeveless and met in the front. It was gracefully fashioned with pockets and at the back was held together by a strap and buckle of the same material.

The groom's pants were of some dark material and were suspended from the waist, falling in a straight line almost to the floor. The severe simplicity of the garment was relieved by the right pantelet which was caught up about four inches from the floor by a Boston Brighton worn underneath, revealing just the artistic glimpse of leather, laced with string of the same color. The effect was rather chic.

Beneath the vest the groom wore blue galluses attached to the pants fore and aft and passing in a graceful curve over each shoulder. His neck was encircled with a collar characterized by a delicate sawedge, and around the collar a cravat was loosely knotted so that it rode up under his left ear with a studied effect of carelessness which marks supreme artistry in dress.

The best man's costume was essentially the same as the groom's, and as the two stood at the altar, a hush of awed admiration enveloped the audience.

As Miss Snyder led the groom from the nuptials, it was noted that she wore the conventional white dress and veil and carried orange blossoms.

I chuckle every time I read that parody and hope you enjoyed it too. Most of the young men I've known would much rather have the attention on their bride than on themselves. In fact, some would rather elope and just skip the big, formal wedding. Come to think of it, while some of the young brides love every minute of "their big day," others I've known would have rather opted for a small, private wedding with much less attention on her.

What do you think of going to weddings, guys and gals? Do you find that the focus right in most of the weddings you attend? Have modern weddings gotten out of hand in their lavishness or in other ways?

plugs...

We got a copy of So High The Price the latest CD from the Steve Pettit team this past weekend, which coincided with a post about it on My Two Cents, a blog I read. It's a great CD if you're interested in checking it out. The first link in this paragraph allows you to listen to demos of many of the songs on the CD.

I've put a new link in my sidebar to a DVD Dispatches from the Front. I hope you'll check it out. It's produced by Frontline Missions International.

I'll be back at you later this week with some more signs. Readers have sent me some great ones.

quotation...

"It's reasonable to trust God if you know Him." - Dr. Dan Olinger

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, I wonder if Asians throw hamburgers....

Comments

• June 15, 2009, Brian writes: Love this post. Even though I'm one of those male specimens, I've always enjoyed going to weddings. Although I had never heard it put the way Dr. Yearick stated it, he is so right and makes a very good point. Thanks for sharing that! I particularly enjoy a Christian wedding where the focus is truly where it ought to be -- on Christ. I have seen a lot of weddings that had aspects of a focus on Christ, but have been especially blessed in the last year to attend 2 weddings, one this summer and one last summer, where I left thinking more about Christ then the bride and groom and was challenged in my own marriage. In both weddings the couple wrote their own vows, which were a sermon in themselves. Praise God there are young people who really strive to keep the focus on Christ.
• June 15, 2009, Carrie writes: I love this! Especially the part about his pantelet being caught in whatever it was. Oh dear. I share the sentiment of modern weddings being too lavish etc. When I got married, I got sick to death of all the details I had to furnish. While I would not have wanted to have eloped, I would very much have liked to simplify things. (I think I chose a poor tense in which to write that sentence!) My husband always attends weddings with me -- he likes cake! :o) .-= Carrie's last blog post ... Balance =-.
• June 15, 2009, Deb writes: Rob ~ thanks for the heads-up on the new Pettit cd. My family has asked what to buy for my b'day approaching. Now I have something to put on my list. I enjoyed listening to the musical blurbs on the website. Thanks! .-= Deb's last blog post ... Follow-Up on KIP Day =-.
• June 15, 2009, Rob writes: @Brian - Glad you enjoyed it. I'm happy too to hear that you enjoy going to weddings. It is a wonderful encouragement to the couple and their families as well as a good reminder about your own marriage. As many weddings as I've gone too - which is a lot of them! (I could retire on the proceeds if I'd been given a dollar for every wedding I've attended) - I still hear some new angle I haven't heard before on marital bliss. @Carrie - I thought you would love the humor in this one. :-) There are tons of details, but I guess they all go into making it such a nice occasion. I could tell you some stories of some lulus of weddings we've been to ... where little attention to detail was obvious to all. I share Steven's love for wedding cake. I especially love cheesecakes! @Deb - Happy to have been of service. You will be majorly blessed by the CD ... if the fam comes through, that is. ;-)
• June 16, 2009, Zina writes: Pastor Yearick is so wise. I really grew in my Christian faith under him. I am so thankful for Hampton Park and him and Pastor Conley. I enjoy weddings very much and have not had an opportunity to attend one since we have been in Germany...maybe later. Thanks for the post!
• June 16, 2009, Michael writes: Well, for the most part I enjoy going to weddings. I'm not a big fan of the ones that take place in the middle of the day because of the inconvenience factor. However, weddings should be important to men for a couple of reasons. If attending the wedding of people in your church, it is important to be there so that you can have a hand in encouraging and admonishing that couple in the future to remain true to the vows they made. And, it's neat to go to a wedding to be reminded of the vows at your wedding and to be reminded of the duties and responsibilities that we men have in a marriage relationship.
• June 16, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - What can I say? I agree. Especially about the 2:00 p.m. weddings. I get grungy working outside all morning, get all cleaned up, go to the wedding (trying not to grumble), get blessed in spite of myself, come home and get all grungy again as I finish up what I couldn't because of the midday event.
• June 16, 2009, Roy Hooper writes: I'm weird. I love weddings. I have attended weddings where it was obvious that the money, time, and priority was placed on the reception. These were enjoyable socially but kind of sad b/c the emphasis was all wrong. But then I have been to weddings, especially some recently, that were absolutely fantastic with the music chosen by the couple and with the intentionality and purpose of the message and with the attention to detail and the relaxed deportment of the participants. These weddings are such a blessing and have the added benefit of my wife and me reflecting on our wedding after 20 years and how God is so good at reminding us of our vows to each other during these very special weddings of these young (very young to us) couples.
• June 17, 2009, Dahv writes: boy that's quite the spin on tradition! although i don't think i'd want that much attention! .-= Dahv's last blog post ... My first blog post =-.
• June 17, 2009, Rob writes: @Roy - It's great, not weird, that you love weddings. So often when I'm at weddings, my mind goes off on a tangent that whoever is speaking inspires. Usually it's about how blessed I am to have the wife the Lord gave me or ways in which I can strive to be a better husband. We're always a bit shocked when we hear parents of a wedding couple say, after a particularly lavish wedding/reception, that they now have the wedding to pay off. We decided that we would give our kids a certain amount that we could afford and if they stayed within budget, they could keep whatever was left over. We'd rather them have the money than those in the "wedding industry." @Dahv - You typify what I think would be the wish of most young men – not to want all that attention. BTW, if you get back to this post and see the link at the end of your comment (CommentLuv), it's rather ironic that "Dahv's last blog" post is called "My first blog post." :-D
• June 17, 2009, Vikki writes: Rob, that's exactly what we did with our kids. We gave them a certain amount to spend on their wedding. Anything above that amount was all theirs to pay and anything not spent was theirs to keep. It worked out well for us.
• June 17, 2009, Dahv writes: @Rob lol i hadn't noticed that! it is kind of ironic! .-= Dahv's last blog post ... Surgery and aftermath =-.
• June 17, 2009, Rob writes: @Vikki - That's neat to hear. It's amazing how frugal we can be when we know we can keep what ever is left over. :-) @Dahv - Wow! You already have a second post up! Hope you are able to throw off the after-effects from your oral surgery quickly and soon. Glad to see you're reading from your French Bible. {:*) <-- that's a French smiley, complete with beret and moustache.
• June 17, 2009, Dave writes: I'd have to say I've been to some weddings that were done tastefully (Although very bias, I think my wife did a great job of making sure the attention wasn't on her/us at our wedding. It was very God-honoring). Maybe my favorite IVMan post yet. Very funny. I have a weakness for parodies. .-= Dave's last blog post ...Fun with the Abacus =-.
• June 18, 2009, Rob writes: @Dave - Most of the weddings we attend are very well done and with great focus on the Lord. I wish I could have gone to yours. I know it was before the advent of the History Bluff t-shirts, but in my mind's eye I can imagine all the attendants having on one of your t's, at least under their finery. :-)

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As promised several weeks ago, here's the final installment of Tom Swifties. A close cousin to the Tom Swifty is the Croaker. Croakers are like Tom Swifties, only different. It is the verb, rather than the adverb, that supplies the pun. The one that probably gave them their name is "My pet frog died," Tom croaked. If you make it all the way to the end, there are even a few without Tom! Anyway, here goes....

"All right then, we'll use a water solution," Tom acquiesced.

"There is room for one more," Tom admitted.

"Here's your allowance for the next two weeks," Tom advanced.

"Waaaa! I'm losing my hair," Tom bawled.

"Wow!" barked Tom, with a bow.

"I am NOT full of hot air," Tom belched.

"The fire's going out!" Tom bellowed.

"The giant sea creature died," Tom blubbered and wailed.

"My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after him," Tom bragged.

"I make myself use this brush," Tom bristled.

"I hate cleaning fish," Tom carped.

"I like Chinese detective films!" Tom chanted.

"I want another plate of steamers!" Tom clamoured.

"Have another cola," Tom coaxed.

"We've overthrown the government," Tom cooed.

"I saw more black birds than you did," Tom crowed.

"So what if the Greek piper god is deceased?" Tom deadpanned.

"Someone has removed all the twos from this deck," Tom deduced.

"Beagles are all dumb," Tom dogmatized.

"I used to be a gold miner!" Tom exclaimed.

"I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.

"I've done well on my diet," Tom expounded.

"I used to work for Manpower," Tom extemporized.

"I hope I can still play the guitar," Tom fretted.

"I must be just a visitor," Tom guessed.

"I've struck oil," Tom gushed.

"I feel empty inside," Tom hollered.

"I think that mischievous child deceived me," Tom implied.

"She must be wearing her mink inside out," Tom inferred.

"This meat is not very tender," Tom insinuated.

"I can stay on pitch when I sing," Tom intoned.

"You look like a baby goat," Tom kidded.

"You know, I do love cats," Tom mused.

"That's not a sheltie — it's just a mongrel," Tom muttered.

"Oh! What I'd give to see the nicest of all trees — evergreens!" Tom opined.

"We'll get there before you do," Tom and Harry predicted.

"Yippee! Another windstorm," Tom regaled.

"I want to renew my membership," Tom rejoined.

"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

"I used to think amputation was irreversible," Tom remembered.

"I'll glue the sheets of wood back together," Tom replied.

"Corroborate that again," Tom reproved.

"May I go look for the Holy Grail again?" Tom requested.

"We're having calf once again," Tom revealed.

"That's it! No more! That's my third electric shock this week!" Tom revolted.

"I got the stain out of my favorite shirt!" Tom shouted.

"I ate the last candy bar," Tom snickered.

"It looks like it's going to storm," Tom thundered.

"I hate milking cows," Tom uttered.

"Oh no! It's Moby Dick!" Tom wailed.

"Yuk! My grape juice has fermented," Tom whined.

"I don't like sweet potatoes," Tom yammered.

Then there are Double Croakers in which a combination of several sentence components make the pun.

"Furthermore, I'm the best mathematician in the world," Tom added summarily.

"Keep working, you mangy cur," Tom barked doggedly.

"This ... meat ... is ... hard ... to ... chew," Tom beefed jerkily.

"The fire in the hearth is going out," Tom bellowed greatly.

"I can't eat some of the meat they eat in France," Tom bridled hoarsely.

"Get me off this horse!" Tom derided woefully.

"I suppose I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded thinly.

"I refuse to obey that French 'No Smoking' sign," fumed Tom defensively.

"I did NOT finish in fifth place," Tom held forth.

"Your embroidery is sloppy," Tom needled cruelly.

"I plan to work at the cemetery," Tom plotted gravely.

"Do you think I can eventually draw blood from you?" Tom probed vainly.

"I'm leaving you, you snake!" Tom rattled off.

"That's the last time I'll lie on the train tracks!" said Tom, beside himself.

"No, I don't have any Milkyways on me," said Tom holding no bars.

"I've run out of wool," said Tom knitting his brow.

"The exit is right there," Tom pointed out.

"I'll figure out the answer to this algebra problem," Tom added, nonplussed.

"I'm wearing a wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.

"I've got you covered. Drop your gun," said Tom with a disarming smile.

"Eat more fruit" said Tom with aplomb.

"I just swallowed an earthworm," said Tom with bated breath.

"I've just slain and cremated the Greek piper god," said Tom with panache.

"I'll tell you no lies!" sang Tom in falsetto.

"So only one person arrived at your party before I did?" Tom second guessed.

"I am too singing in tune!" Tom sounded off.

"Well, even if no one else does, *I* enjoy fixing bicycle wheels," Tom spoke up.

"Well, I, for one, have always been a great proponent of the Heimlich manoeuvre," Tom struck back.

"Here's the story of the Liberty Bell," Tom told appealingly.

"Let me show you how to have a well polished floor," Tom waxed eloquently.

And, if you've made it this far and are sick to death of TOM, here are some Swifties and Croakers with no Tom at all!

"I wonder why uranium is fluorescent," said Marie curiously.

"Dorothy, if you go to Oz again, you're taking me instead of Toto," Auntie Em barked.

"Work, work, work! That's all I ever do. That's all I ever do," Bea droned.

"I hate reading Victor Hugo," said Les miserably.

"My mom is German," she muttered.

"Wouldn't just gold and frankincense do?" the Magi demurred.

"I've got a new game we could play," mumbled Peg.

"These cookies are too spicy!" Ginger snapped.

"Can you add any Croakers to the comments?" asked Rob openly.

quotation...

"We're so often consumed with cheap toys when God wants to give us treasures that will last forever." Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Always remember — everyone of us is someone else's weirdo!

Comments

• June 13, 2009, Sue writes: "The Swifties have ended," she said with finality.
• June 13, 2009, Dahv writes: "Please let me plant the sapling in that hole!" Tom entreated.
• June 13, 2009, Tim writes: It doesn't follow the sentence pattern of the croakers and swifties, but how about "Tom retreated to the kitchen to get another snack"?
• June 13, 2009, Tim writes: Or Tim resorted to extreme means to rid himself of chaos.
• June 13, 2009, Rob writes: @Sue - Thanks for that one. @Dahv - Oooo, good one! "Sue actually squeaked in ahead of you in making the first comment ... I just didn't get to moderate it before you commented," said Rob approvingly. @Tim - How about "I'm getting another snack in the kitchen," said Tom as he retreated.
• June 14, 2009, Abigail Yoder writes: "Oh no! I dropped my toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen.
• June 14, 2009, Rob writes: @Abigail - Abi! Ni hao ma? So good to hear from you! I enjoy seeing pictures of you and your students on your FB. Remembering you.
• June 14, 2009, Jkopp writes: "I'm never going to fly on that airplane again," Tom explained quickly. .-= Jkopp's last blog post ... Decompose. =-.
• June 14, 2009, Rob writes: @Jkopp - Good one, Josh! I don't know if that's a deep thought or a lofty thought, though. ;-)
• June 15, 2009, Michael writes: "I suppose we should end this war," Lee granted. Loved the ones about the Greek piper god.
• June 15, 2009, Roy Hooper writes: Thanks Rob for putting "Dispatches from the Front" on your Blog. Our family watched this the other night. It is enlightening, convicting, and makes us realize how soft American Christianity is and how much His Kingdom is advancing in spite of great opposition in so-called "closed" countries. Noticed a great ad for this in latest edition of World Magazine as well. My prayer is that many will purchase and watch and give. Roy Hooper
• June 15, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - LOL! Let's tweak that one slightly and turn it into a Triple Croaker ... "I suppose we should end this war," Lee granted civilly. :-D You can't imagine how much tweaking and smoothing I did on the original list of Croakers (and Swifties) to get them to the way they read now. @Roy - Glad you noticed it and hope many more will too.
• June 15, 2009, Jonathan writes: "I'd like to make a modest proposal," said Jonathan Swiftly.
• June 27, 2009, Lara writes: "At least he's not lustful, prideful, gluttonous, envious, greedy, wrathful, or slothful, " Tom noted sincerely.
• June 27, 2009, Rob writes: @Lara - I'm still pondering that one....

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This past Sunday my son told me he had heard that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook were planning to merge. I was thinking about what a powerhouse that would be until he dropped the punchline. He added, "They're going to call it YouTwitFace!" This started me thinking about mergers (takeovers?) in the news lately, like GM and the US Federal Government. So does GM now stand for Government Motors?

Then this week's news delivered the story of the possibly soon culmination of the Chrysler/Fiat deal. I read in this morning's news that the new Chrysler will be owned 20% by Fiat, together with the U.S. and Canadian governments (who are financing the sale with $2 billion), while over 67% will be controlled by the United Auto Workers. Hmm, it should be well run after that "reorganization"....

In the wake of such unlikely mergers, here are others that would be interesting if they ever took place, or at least more humorous than the current administration's "remaking" of our auto industry. I'm not even sure some of these companies are still in business, but they're names most people would still recognize.

If Yahoo and Netscape merged, they'd be Net 'n Yahoo, with their headquarters located in Tel Aviv.

If J.C. Penney merged with Aunt Jemina, they'd be Penney Aunty.

If Fairchild Electronics merged with Honeywell, would the new company be Fairwell Honeychild?

If Wurlitzer merged with Xerox, would they specialize in the cloning of organs?

How about Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers?
It could be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear?
M-M-M Good

John Deere and Abitibi-Price?
Deere Abi

Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer?
Crab Apple

Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds?
Swiss Cheese

If 3M, J.C. Penney, and Canadian Opera Company merged?
3 Penney Opera

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining?
Zip Audi Do Da

Luvs Diapers, Hertz Rent-a-Car, and Krispy Kreme?
Luv Hertz, Donut?

If Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women merged?
Knott NOW

If FEDEX and UPS merged? They'd call it FED UP.

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil would become "Honey, I'm Home."

Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining merge and would become "Mine, All Mine."

If Allegheny Airlines merged with Braniff, they'd be All-Bran, the world's most regular airline.

If Grace Chemical bought the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics, and then merged with Hale Business Systems, would this new conglomerate be known as "Hale Mary Fuller Grace?"

In this month of wedding, let's look at the results of some possible and improbable marriages and remarriages. Some of the names below remind me of names like Mary Baker Glover Patterson Eddy (founder of Christian Science) or Liz Taylor if she had retained all her married names — Liz Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky. Phew! Anyway, here goes....

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she would have been Yoko Ono Bono.

If Julie London married Bo Bridges and fell down the church steps after the wedding, she'd be Julie London Bridges falling down.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then later married Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then later married Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March II, she'd be Tuesday March II.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then later married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Nog (Quark's nephew having no other name on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") used his name twice when getting a marriage license, took the name of his bride, and married a girl whose last name was Hughes, and then later married Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Do you have any thoughts on mergers, real or fictitious?

quotation...

"Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power." - Benito Mussolini

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Bumper sticker seen in California — Honk if you've been married to Liz!

Comments

• June 10, 2009, Michael writes: What would the seats look like on the All-Bran airline?
• June 10, 2009, Jenni writes: If my grandmother's sister had married my grandfather, she would have been Myrtle Ertl! Jenni’s last blog post..How do I love my Grape Nuts? Oh, let me count the ways!
• June 10, 2009, Donna writes: One of my Dad's students reminisced about one day in a class when he wasn't feeling well and planned to dismiss them early. He started out by saying, "I'm going to tell you what Elizabeth Taylor told her 7th husband -- I won't keep you long!"
• June 10, 2009, Ellen writes: If only the real mergers would turn out so humorous. I think that the GM/US gov't deal will have many long-term very negative consequences for everyone (excluding Obama, of course).
• June 10, 2009, Carrie writes: This was lots of fun! I like Fairwell Honeychild the best. :o) [rq=796,0,blog][/rq]Uncle Jay
• June 11, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - I'm not even going to "go there".... @Jenni - It's undoubtedly best that things worked out the way they did for Myrtle. We have a friend from our student days whose maiden name was Babb. If she had married a fellow student whose last name was Boone, the ending of her name would have been Babb Boone. @Donna - Too funny! Especially when you consider that he came up with that when he wasn't feeling well. @Ellen - I fear that you are right. Time will certainly tell. @Carrie - Glad you enjoyed it. I've received e-mails from several saying that someone (meaning me) has too much time on his hands. I didn't write most of those, though I did my usual bit of tweaking. Glad you enjoyed them.
• June 11, 2009, Dahv writes: If Laughing Cow® Cheese merged with Swanson® Broth, would they begin manufacturing Laughing Stock?
• June 11, 2009, Rob writes: @Dahv - LOL! Thanks for posting your comment.
• June 11, 2009, Doug writes: Rob, I've often thought it a shame that operatic soprano Kathleen Battle didn't marry pianist Emanuel Ax to become Kathleen Battle-Ax.
• June 12, 2009, Rob writes: @Doug - I like your combination — it's seems as if the musical connection would give them a lot in common. Plus I have read that she's not always been a very nice woman to deal with, so the name might actually fit.
• June 13, 2009, Sue writes: I came across a child with two odd last names: Trevor Ice-Glass.
• June 13, 2009, Rob writes: @Sue - That poor kid!

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With Father's Day less than two weeks away, I thought I'd help out those who need gift ideas for the men in their lives. Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as women would think. The helpful insights provided below will show you that it's actually easier than it is for us guys to shop for women. If you follow these rules, you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. One man owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it or know what it does, but it will look good hanging on the peg board in the garage. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word "ratchet" or "socket" in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you done with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear view mirror would be just perfect. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. It has been said that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have allowed someone to invent Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy him a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Forget the program — your entertainment will be watching him have fun!

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. Again, no one knows why.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of aftershave or deodorant. Men do not stink — they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything whose packaging contains the phrases "some assembly required" or "read the enclosed instructions". It will ruin his special day, and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter that he doesn't know what the gift is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks!"

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they will barbecue. Get a man a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh, the thrill! The challenge! Anyone want a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a professional sporting event (any team within 300 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective on 19th Century Porcelain Dolls."

Rule #12:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Don't settle for just a step ladder — what he really wants is an extension ladder.

Rule #13:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #6. (Remember what happens when he gets a label maker?)

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8-inch manilla rope.

Rule #15:
Buy your man duct tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct tape it!

I don't know who wrote those rules originally. Some of them are spot-on, and others I don't agree with. I tweaked them, but I didn't alter them enough to obscure the original thoughts.

A reader sent me something the other day that I thought would be the perfect way to end this post. I'm posting it just as it came in the e-mail.

If you can find one of those (other than in Photoshop, maybe), wouldn't it make a great gift?! Added on June 9: A commenter sent a link that shows that this is not a product of Photoshop — http://www.likecool.com/DeWalt-16_Nail_Gun--Tools--Gear.html

That nail gun would have been of no help in a home improvement project we did this past Saturday. Ever since we moved to this house five years ago, Becka has been wanting a free-standing gas stove in the kitchen instead of the little drop-in electric range that came with the house. Fortunately for me, we have a young friend still in college who has been working with his dad all through his teen years doing home renovations. They have every tool known to mankind (although he hadn't seen the one above.) But in addition to having the right tools, he knows how to do everything necessary for the project we did. The job was completed in five hours and looks great! You can read more about it and see pictures on my wife's blog. The post is called Now I'm cooking with gas!

Do any of you have any ideas for great gifts for Father's Day?

quotation...

"Temptation always lies to us. It promises sweetness, but it turns bitter in our mouths." - Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be." unknown

Comments

• June 8, 2009, Vikki writes: Great suggestions!! When shopping I find just wandering through Home Depot works. Lots of gadgets to choose from – and some of the little oddities actually turned out to be useful – like a magnetic hex nut wrench or the 1” c-clamps. If it has buttons, beeps and has a display, it's also a possibility.
• June 8, 2009, Wade writes: A great Father's day gift is a Samsung N120 netbook http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0021AFZOI/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3579953429&ref=pd_sl_7heok2ro5_e P. S. Would you add my wife to your e-mail list? Her address is: tiny@xxxxxxx.com. Thanks!
• June 8, 2009, Michael writes: First of all, love the nail gun. Brilliantly conceived! Not sure I understand the comment about men and label makers. If I ever become a father, I would probably prefer gifts involving golf or help with the yard. Otherwise, a gift card is a nice idea. I know it doesn't sound very personable, but it is highly practical which appeals to many men.
• June 8, 2009, Peggy writes: Evidently the DeWalt isn't Photoshopped. He actually combined parts. This article doesn't say whether it really works. http://www.likecool.com/DeWalt-16_Nail_Gun--Tools--Gear.html
• June 10, 2009, Rob writes: @Vikki - Great suggestions! I can use almost anything from Home Depot or Lowe's. @Wade - That would be a great item! I'm intrigued, though, by a MacBook. I laughed out loud at the e-mail address you made up for your wife. You'd better hope she doesn't read my blog! :-D @Michael - Maybe you've never had your own Dymo label maker? As a young married man, I had a blast with one, and my wife still has items in use that have my labels from decades ago on them. I always welcome gift cards. @Peggy - Thanks for that link. I also wonder if it works. I've added the link you provided to the blog post itself.
• June 13, 2009, Uwe writes: There are 3 issues I'd like to mention: First I wonder if I'm a true man as some of the posted points sound strange to me ... No, I'm not happy if I get some tools twice or of less quality so that they are not fit to perform what they ought to. I rather buy it self or I utter a wish to my wife what is lacking. Such things I don't like to have only for fun. Secondly I miss a category I'm mostly interested in since my childhood: model making. And there especially model railroad, remote controlled ships and remote controlled aircrafts. I had a big model railroad as I was a teenager, but now unfortunately I've not the time and not yet the room to do this. I also had some ships and also a little beginning with aircrafts when I was a teenager. Unfortunately to do this more I at that time had not the money and in my living area there were hardly locations available where I could let them fly. Thirdly there rose a thought in my brain: Could we not say that a man plays with what he loves and also loves what he plays with?
• June 13, 2009, Rob writes: @Uwe - Never fear ... you are a true man. The humor in this post is in the exaggeration. There are many men who like to have more than one of the same tool, maybe different brand names or as a back up in case one breaks. But I know that there are also many women who like to have more than one of the same kitchen utensil for the same reasons. In America there are many versions of the bumper sticker "He who dies with the most toys wins." I know that there are many men also who share your enjoyment of model trains and planes and who have loved them since their childhood also. We have an English saying, "The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys." Does German have an equivalent saying?

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June is traditionally the month when there are lots of weddings. This month we have several here in town that we'll be attending and several out of state that we cannot attend. This summer I'm working again at IT ServiceDesk on campus, "improving life, one computer at a time." One of our summer tasks is upgrading software and even some hardware. For today's iv, I'm going to "wed" those two ideas into the theme for the iv - comparing marriage to upgrades of computer programs.

What you're about to read is two fictitious e-mail exchanges between newlyweds and tech support. They are similar in many ways, and yet very different so as to reflect the differences between the genders.

Tech Support Request

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very few system resources for other applications. After a few months I noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that is taking up a lot of space and further valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, launches during system initialization, and monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications, and I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 from taking over my system. It's too late to uninstall and go back to the Girlfriend 7.0 program. Can you please help me?

Thanks,
Troubled User

REPLY...

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but it's mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities and Entertainment" program.

Wife 1.0 is an operating system and designed to run everything. WARNING – do not try to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed! Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You're right – you cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.3 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. Do not even think of trying to run Girlfriend 7.0 or 7.3 in the background. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the other program running in the background and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\I_APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then the reset button as soon as a lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPF's.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communication 5.0

Wishing you the best!
Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included before the upgrade.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as RomanticMovies 7.5, OceansideWalks 3.9, SappyLoveNotes 2.2, and OperaNight 6.1, and it installs new, undesirable programs such as BasketballNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Whenever I try to run Communication 5.0, it invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Cooking 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running NagNag 9.5 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please?

Thanks,
Desperate

REPLY...

Dear Desperate,
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misunderstanding. Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an entertainment program while Husband 1.0 is an operating system that, incidentally, was designed to run as few applications as possible. Furthermore, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 eventually to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can be installed only once per year, since Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, just a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their favorite old applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical operating system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command: C:\I_THOUGHT_YOU_LOVED_ME. You will find that sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF's, and ultimately it may be YOU who has to give a C:\I_APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or Workaholic 6.9.

Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPF's, but because of this fine feature, it can only intermittently run all applications that Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly, not being very intuitive.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotMeals 3.0, Cheerfulness 5.3, LovingPatience 10.1, and Listening 2. Used in combination, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, you will become more familiar with Husband 1.0 and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution. Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 might run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this wonderful product.

Your friends at Tech Support

Any comments on those exchanges?

quotation...

"Does your planning take priority over your praying? What do you do first, and what do you do most?" - Dr. Chris Barney

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"June weddings are the perfect opportunity to sweat in an ugly bridesmaid's dress." - Maxine

Comments

• June 4, 2009, Jkopp writes: Whatever you do. Don't let your wife see your blog. :) Jkopp’s last blog post..The Afro.
• June 4, 2009, Rob writes: @Jkopp - I have to tell you, Josh, that I have my wife proofread every blog post for errors in wording and for anything that is "over the line." Her comment last evening was that she said people will enjoy it, especially my techie friends. :-)
• June 4, 2009, Vikki writes: The good news is that Wife 1.0 and Husband 1.0, if maintained regularly, will run for years with very few crashes. I know I've grown to really love my version which was purchased 37 years ago!
• June 4, 2009, Rob writes: @Vikki - Spoken as a true computer degree holder. I've grown exceedingly fond of the version of Wife 1.0 that I purchased 32 years ago. I heard a wonderful saying a few years back - "If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, just water yours more."
• June 4, 2009, Laura writes: I thought this was a humorous yet somewhat insightful look at husband/wife relationships. I can't really speak with any authority on the subject since I'm still running the Boyfriend 5.0 application, but I'm definitely learning the value of Communication 5.0 as we move toward making the upgrade! :)
• June 4, 2009, KT writes: Thanks. I think I'll keep my Oldmaid 6.2 and my Pets 5.1 installed.
• June 4, 2009, Rob writes: @Laura - I hope that running the Boyfriend 5.0 application will serve as good preparation for a smooth transition into the upgrade. Let me know how the process goes. @KT - There are many who find the installations you mentioned to be more than enough for their personal happiness, especially when they see others who wish they had not installed any of the other applications in my post. I don't think there's any one operating system that is suitable for all.
• June 4, 2009, Wally Lamark writes: Those were great! Did you write those yourself?
• June 4, 2009, Rob writes: @Wally - Thanks – glad you enjoyed them. I received them separately in the past and tweaked and rewrote parts of them. But it's been some time ago, so I can no longer remember what was mine and what wasn't. Before I posted this, I did some web searching and found lots of variations of them.
• June 4, 2009, Michael writes: I liked the witty integrating of tech speak to address what happens sometimes in some marriages. However, I would argue that these parodies actually take an overall negative view of marriage with the only advice at the end being stick with what you have and maybe things will get a little better. I am particularly averse to the idea of buying my wife something just to pacify her when I've done something wrong. If that actually works in a relationship, what does that say about the relationship? What does that say about the husband and the wife as individuals? Marriage is a wonderful gift from God that is supposed to get better as time goes by. That's a fact that many of the other commenters have said they are currently enjoying.
• June 4, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - I'm glad that you recognized that the "e-mails" are gently poking fun at some aspects of what some call the gender gap. I'm glad also that you are weighing in on the side of those of us who are happily married and actually enjoy the differences between the male perspective and the female perspective. As we say in French, Vive la différence! I agree that some of the proposed "solutions" in the tech replies are quite shallow, but I believe that the tongue is firmly planted in the cheek. :-P
• June 8, 2009, Rachael Woodard writes: I found it to be hilarious! Thanks, Rob! What a great laugh! I can send this to all my techie friends and, for the most part, they'll "get it."

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Have you ever seen a no trespassing sign that made you laugh out loud? Most no trespassing signs are pretty straightforward and standard, but some communicate with great creativity the owner's preference that unauthorized parties not set foot on his property — an act that could lead to grave consequences. With that in mind, I take on various aspects of ownership in today's post.

I'll start off with a couple of signs that are straightforward – one commercially done and the other more homespun.

Here's one that is simple and made me smile.

Here are some signs that explicitly spell out the risks of trespassing on that property.

Some signs leave you wondering what you are supposed to do or not supposed to do.

Of course the whole concept of trespassing is based on the principle of ownership of property, something our founding fathers firmly believed to be one of our basic rights as citizens. Here is a quotation from John Adams.

The moment the idea is admitted into society that property is not as sacred as the laws of God and that there is not a force of law and public justice to protect it, anarchy and tyranny commence. If “Thou shalt not covet,” and “Thou shalt not steal,” were not commandments of heaven, they must be made inviolable precepts in every society before it can be civilized or made free. - John Adams

John Adams didn't shy away from the Ten Commandments. Stealing and coveting imply the existence of personal property rights. God says it is wrong to covet or to steal what is someone else's private property.

The concept of ownership is innate. One of the first words a toddler masters is "mine." Just let another child try to play with his toys! 1 Timothy 6:7 tells us "For we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world." Once we're born, we spend their lives accumulating stuff. That verse reminds us that no matter how much we acquire, we can't take it with us. And is it actually our stuff since it will be someone else's after we've departed this world? Believers know that everything belongs to God and that we are merely stewards for a short time.

A few years ago I planted blueberries, blackberries, and red raspberries behind our house. The bushes are getting established well enough that we're hoping for a nice little harvest this year. Now I just have to convince the birds that those berries are ours, not theirs! I have put up the only kind of "no trespassing sign" that the birds can read – nylon netting. Below are several pictures of our berry bushes covered with netting.

We'll see the net results in the weeks to come. (Pun intended.)

I look forward to reading your thoughts about anything mentioned in this post. Have you seen any funny no trespassing signs that you could share?

quotation...

"God has assigned an area for each of us to tend." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school: No trespassing without permission.

Comments

• June 1, 2009, Heather writes: Private property is a great concept, except I usually manage to acquire far too much of this good thing -- I fill up my drawers and cabinets and have go go buy more drawers and cabinets. Then I fill those up. So I clean them out and take the excess to Good Will, only to go out and buy more stuff. But my drawers and cabinets are filling up again faster than I can account for. I could swear I didn't buy that much! Ah, the storage closet on the patio! But it's filling up fast, too. It's probably a good thing I don't have an attic, a basement, or a storage shed! (Or all three, as do some unfortunates!) And the most ludicrous part of it is that I would probably be hurt and angry if someone broke in and and robbed me of all this stuff I didn't really need or want anyway! :)
• June 1, 2009, Michael writes: Interesting quote from John Adams about private property and connecting that concept to the Ten Commandments. While we are to respect other people's property as theirs, it seems to me as what God is really teaching there is contentment with His best for us. I say this because there is a paradox in scripture where we aren't supposed to steal or covet what others have, yet we are to be willing to share all that we have with those who are in need. In other words, for a believer, claiming the right to private property does not excuse you from giving what you have to those who are in need. And, the ultimate recipient of all that we have is to be God Himself. He gives us what we have to use in His service for His glory. Thanks for turning our thoughts toward this subject!
• June 1, 2009, Ann writes: The signs reminded me of something that I read recently about the Royal Estate at Balmoral. (It covers only about 50,000 acres.) Prince Philip put up "No Trespassing" and "Private Property" signs all over the estate. People just ignored them. Then he got a bright idea. He posted signs that read "Beware of Adders." (For those who don't know an adder is a snake of the viper family.) Heather, as long as you don't put the trailer part of an 18-wheeler in your yard for storage, you should be okay. A friend's aunt had one that was stuffed full, as was the house and everywhere else. When the aunt died, her daughters had to have something like 30 dump truck loads hauled off before they could even begin to see what they could sell.
• June 1, 2009, Heather writes: Wow, Ann, I'll keep that in mind. Of course, I doubt my landlord would be at all happy if I put an unauthorized trailer on his private property. ;) I can see the signs now...
• June 1, 2009, Carrie writes: Then there is A.A. Milne's use of a no trespassing sign: one of the animals, I forget which one, had a sign over his door, "'Trespassers Wil,' which is short for Trespassers William." Carrie’s last blog post..Denali Park and Preserve, part 3
• June 1, 2009, Dave writes: I think I'd be most scared of the owner who wrote the first sign: "No TRispaseng" Dave’s last blog post..Marlon Brando is a Fan
• June 2, 2009, Rob writes: @Heather - It's when we move that we (re)discover how much we have accumulated! After our last move, we're trying to be more ruthless about getting rid of what the new acquisitions are supposed to be replacing. The summers we taught in China and lived in a simple little apartment, we saw how little we can get by on. @Michael - Yes, there are some interesting paradoxical realities in scripture, yet both are true. I think the Lord lets us have stuff to test our hearts as to how we will handle the stuff and as to whether the stuff will be too important to us. There are some great tensions there between seeming paradoxes that are both true. @Ann - Thanks for sharing Prince Philip's sign. That would make me think more than twice about trespassing! I enjoyed the exchange between you and Heather. :-) @Carrie - Ah yes, the great Winnie the Pooh et al. Thanks for the reminder. @Dave - That's for sure! What would such a person do with a weapon?! :-D
• June 2, 2009, Terry E. writes: Ummm....Rob, maybe if you got rid of the birdhouse in the middle of your bushes, there wouldn't be as much problems with the birds eating your berries....?
• June 2, 2009, Rob writes: @Terry - The birds in that house (house wrens) eat almost only insects. It's the brown thrashers (trashers?) that are the greediest in trying to eat the berries.
• June 2, 2009, Vikki writes: Sign in a church parking lot: "Trespassers will be baptized!" I once heard a saying that really seems to hold true. "The amount of one’s possessions is directly proportional to the size of one’s basement and garage." In our last move we went from a full basement to no basement. Wow, did we ever get rid of a lot of useless junk and have yet to miss any of it!
• June 2, 2009, deb holman writes: the picture of the netted berries with the bird house in the middle resembles the picture that you posted of the no trespassing sign and the welcome sign together. are you giving your birds mixed messsages??!! :))))
• June 3, 2009, Uwe writes: @ Michael and Rob - It seems to me that the observed paradox does not really exist. I think it is one thing to have something as my property. It belongs to me being a person as image of God. But it is another thing what I decide to do with it, again as image of my creator or - unfortunately more frequently - just the opposite. Well, to give away what I have got to people who are needy is just the same what God always willingly does - also to me. The question may be if I do it in the same attitude as he does: out of true love (which has much to do with esteem), not only because I have to in fulfilling a biblical rule. As a child of God his love is poured out in my heart. Again, to save my property is legitimate because taking it away from me without my agreement or to destroy it is a crime, theft, robbery. But lastly the Lord says: If someone claims something from you just give it to him/her and give even more because he/she seems to be needy....
• June 3, 2009, Rob writes: @Deb - Good to hear from you! Yes, I was thinking the same thing as I put the netting on the bushes and then again as I looked at the whole scene from our deck – the view in the picture. Now that the berry bushes have spread as much as they have, I think maybe I need to relocate the bird house. It's a difficult decision, though. Where the bird house is now, we can watch the comings and goings of the bird while sitting at our kitchen table. @Uwe - You have made some good points. For sure, there are a lot of issues in play with our personal ownership of stuff. It's ours. It's really not ours. It all actually belongs to God. We can't take it with us. We won't want it in heaven anyway. We work for it. Some of it is given to us. We sometimes go into debt to get it. It's wrong for anyone to take it without the permission of the owner. It's good to give it to others who have needs. There are all sorts of truths about stuff, don't you think? We become too focused on stuff and it becomes an idol. We humans struggle with materialism, the love of money and of possessions, especially in this age of affluence. We all have a strong tendency to be selfish and greedy. The Bible has lots to say about money and possessions. We need God's wisdom to sort it all out and to determine what He wants us individually to do with the money and stuff that He gives us. It's definitely not an easy area of our human lives.
• June 3, 2009, b.j. writes: Oh boy, it looks like "Welcome to Missouri!" One that I saw (other than most of these already posted in the area) was "Trespassers will be violated".
• June 3, 2009, Rob writes: @Vikki - I had never heard the one you mentioned from the church parking lot. Whoa! I believe that the proportions of you gave of possessions to storage space could well be true for many. As I said in an earlier comment, we're trying NOT to fill our available storage space. :-) @b.j. - Now *that* is a warning sign that might get someone's attention!
• June 3, 2009, Teri writes: Rob: I think the one picture you posted of netting UNDER the birdhouse is a pretty funny "no trespassing" picture!
• June 4, 2009, Rob writes: @Teri - Thank you for getting it! :-D I was afraid that the connection was too loose, but you caught it! I'm hoping many others did too.

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I've done several posts lately on newspapers - here, here, and here. The comments to those posts were interesting and funny. I saw something while browsing that made me think of what I'm posting today. Later in this post I'll show you what I saw online that triggered this post.

Do you read any newspaper regularly, either the printed version or online? Below is a list of descriptions of the usual readers of certain well-known newspapers. The picture above is today's front page from the Detroit News, which was our mainstay when we lived in Detroit.

Who reads what newspaper?

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles..

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the New York Times or the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country - and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and they don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are minority feminist atheists who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

The Houston Chronicle is read by … well, not too many people these days.

The Weekly World News is read by Bigfoot, Elvis, and the space aliens who, the readership is sure, really are running the country!

Here's what I saw online that made me think of the preceding.

I wanted to post that this week since June was supposed to begin this next Monday. Those of you with plans for the month of June, particularly weddings, need to make other plans. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Just don't kill the messenger, please.

I've poked fun at various aspects of newspapers and their readers, but I am also appreciative of our freedom of the press.

Some of you might enjoy checking out the site newseum.org where you can see the front pages of many papers worldwide. You might also enjoy the following resource for online versions of newspapers all over the world in many different languages at The Internet Public Library.

I look forward to more of your thoughts on newspapers and news media in general. For me it's great and overwhelming to have so much information available so readily. Do you trust what's in most newspapers? To you, if the newspaper says it, is it so?

quotation...

"Our sin always drags others into the vortex of its power." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

Comments

• May 29, 2009, Michael writes: When I still lived at home with my parents, I enjoyed the Greenville News. But, now that I'm married and in a house of my own, we've decided not to bother with a newspaper subscription. Not a good use of our money particularly since we can get lots of information online. One nice thing about the Internet is that even if you move far away you can still keep up with what's going on back home. For example, my wife enjoys reading the Arizona Republic online since it keeps her up to speed with what's happening back in her hometown of Phoenix. For news I've set up some headline feeds on my iGoogle page and I regularly listen to NPR in the mornings while getting ready for work. I know it has a decidedly liberal bias, but if you know that going in, you can find out quite a bit of what is happening in the world. There's some wacky stuff on there, but most of it is quite interesting and substantive. I think it's interesting how blogs are supplanting major newspapers. It's kind of like what happened in the early days of newspapers when weekly or daily publications were produced by private individuals and often had a very obvious slant or spin to them.
• June 1, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - I join you and your wife as a reader of mainly online newspapers. The variety that is available is amazing, thanks to the Internet. Thanks for the historical perspectives you've added to this post also.
• June 1, 2009, b.j. writes: You questioned whether we trust what's in papers. For myself, a definite NO! Enough of my family, friends, and acquaintances have been involved either directly or indirectly with enough things that the papers have published news about. (and TV for that matter) They NEVER get it right! usually just enough is left out so that people form their own misled conclusions, mixed with just enough completely false info. Even so called "quotes" are quoted missing key words, and the order of the sentences re-arranged, so that the quote is actually something completely different. This has often been a sore spot. But, at least it's never been anything big, important, or long lasting to make any difference!
• June 3, 2009, Nate writes: The Newseum/newseum.org is amazing. Worked there for a summer as a intern and loved it. Great place to visit if ever given the opportunity.
• June 4, 2009, Rob writes: @Nate - Wow! I know personally someone who has worked at Newseum/newseum.org! Thanks for letting me know that connection.
• June 4, 2009, Bet writes: I understand those who read only online news, but reading the print edition is a totally different experience that I try to get my journalism students to experience - by requiring them to read the paper 5 days a week! After a few weeks, I allow them to supplement the print edition of the papers with online editions so they can begin to see the differences in how they read the two. The world of print journalism is definitely changing - in the last year a number of major papers have ceased publication. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next year or two. Will we even have the dead-tree edition much longer? (I think we will, but who knows?) I do think we still need professional journalists to gather and disseminate the news (of course, I think so!). Citizen journalists and bloggers just can't give us all the news that professional journalists do. When was the last time you read a blogger's report of a school board meeting or county council or the proceedings of a local criminal trial? Bet’s last blog post..Duke's: the Southern mayonnaise
• June 4, 2009, Rob writes: @Bet - Thanks for your thoughtful, thought-provoking comment. I especially appreciate your perspective as a teacher of journalism. It is an interesting phenomenon to behold as once-great newspapers dwindle in numbers of subscriptions and readers and even as some fold. There are probably several factors contributing to that. One factor, of course, is the ease of finding numerous news sources online. One can find everything from the major outlets to local papers. Another factor is the public's perception that the traditional media is unreliable with its now blatant liberal bias. Anyone checking alternative news sources knows that the MSM chooses to withhold certain news items, even big ones, from the public eye. The public is getting fed up with it — it comes across as dishonest, and may well be. Some of the online news outlets, as you have mentioned, are rather cursory or shallow in their coverage. Many items found in the print version are totally absent in the online version. Much local news is totally absent from online sources. As you have said, it will be interesting to see what happens in the next few years. Thanks again for the perspective you have added, Bet.

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With unemployment high and jobs scarce, some people are coming to the realization that, in order to work at all, they might have to settle for a job that they would have never considered. Others are finding it necessary to stay in jobs they don't like. A sobering reminder of today's economy is seeing more people with "Will work for food" signs. The cat in the picture above looks like it could be saying, "Will work for effect."

Here are some pictures of people whose jobs, frankly, I would not want. All I can say about the first one is YIKES!

I guess the job market is tight!

This job is just plain gross!

Can this be for real?!

In the picture below, the German translates as "At the wrong time in the wrong place in the wrong job?"

I ran across a German website whose schtick is to strategically place pictures on the sides of machines, advertising their job-finding services with the slogan "Life's too short for the wrong job." Some of these are extremely clever. I will give some help for several since the pictures might be hard to figure out.

An instant photo machine...

Airport security machine for scanning carry-on luggage...

So THAT is how those kiddie rides work!

If you'd like to see more, you can go to the site shown in the pictures above. Let me warn you that some of them may not be to your liking, especially if you tend to fragility.

Our daughter Megan posted some great pictures of our grandson Drew on her blog this past week. I'll share several of my favorites.

Megan and her friend Beth took their little guys to a mall to see Curious George. Drew was delighted, and Joey was not.

Afterwards they went to Krispy Kreme for warm donuts. Here's a picture of the boys watching the donuts go by on the conveyor. Our little peanut is just barely tall enough to look in the window without assistance.

That's almost enough to make me want to be working on the other side of that window!

Later in the week Megan did a post about the golf clubs Drew had received as a Christmas gift. The weather is nice enough now for him to begin to enjoy trying them out. Here are a couple of shots of our young golf pro.

If you want to see more, head over to Megan's blog.

What are your thoughts about bad jobs? Would you currently settle for any job, even a bad one? Is there a bad job in your past that you're happy not to have as a part of your present?

Happy Memorial Day to those who have a day off work! Even though I have to work today, I'm thankful to have a summer job. I'm especially thankful for those whose sacrifice have helped secure the freedoms we currently enjoy. May those freedoms erode no further!

quotation...

"God created man to work, and so man is unhappy when he's doing nothing productive.... It's the fallenness of this world that makes work hard and unenjoyable." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Comments

• May 25, 2009, Michael writes: Probably the worst job I ever had was being a telemarketer for a Christian marketing firm. It was not my cup of tea to call people up and try to convince them to buy something that they probably didn't want or need. Additionally, I knew how I would be annoyed if I were the one being called. I decided I'm just not cut out for sales. And, congratulations on the grandson and his budding golfing career! Looks like he has good form already except for his grip -- he had a left-handed grip but was swinging right-handed. I'm sure he'll get it straightened out and that it's not a big deal right now. When will Drew and Grandpa be hitting the miniature golf links for some putting practice?
• May 25, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - I'm with you on this one. I would have to be completely sold on a product or service myself before I could ever attempt to sell it to others. And even then, it would not be my preferred activity. My golf prowess has probably already been surpassed by little Drew. Sorry, but he's best left in the capable hands of his dad who is assistant manager of a golf course. :-D
• May 25, 2009, Barbara H. writes: One of the times I most admired my husband was when he worked three part-time jobs to support us between college and his first professional job: he had a newspaper route, worked part-time at Radio Shack, and part time at a gas station. It was humbling when his Physics prof pulled into the gas station where he was working, but I admired that he did what he could to support his family. He's always had a great work ethic. But I am glad he didn't have to do that for long before moving on to something he really enjoyed. I discovered sales was not my forte either after trying a couple of direct selling jobs (Avon was one). No matter how much they tell you can work those kinds of things as much or as little as you want, you still have a manager pushing you to sell more. I don't like being pressured to buy and hated even more trying to "get" people to buy. Barbara H.’s last blog post..Memorial Day
• May 25, 2009, Sue writes: These pictures had me laughing out loud, particularly the airport security one!
• May 25, 2009, Doodie writes: I have the best "job" in the world--I teach! After 28 years of middle and high school students, I can say that I have never had a bad year - a few rough weeks, maybe, but the Lord worked out everything to His and my good. I cannot imagine hating to go to work in the morning, and I wonder if I would take a job I hated. I am thankful, for now, that I do not have to make that decision.
• May 25, 2009, Rob writes: @Barbara - That's a great tribute to your husband. I wish such a strong work ethic were more wide-spread. And as far as Avon is concerned, I've heard the question asked, "How can they get that many women to take orders?" :-) @Sue - Glad they gave you a good laugh, especially the airport security one. I loved that one too. @Doodie - I agree concerning teaching. I just finished my 36th year of teaching – 11 years of junior high and high school and 25 years of university teaching. I can tell that I'm slowing down as I push 60, but put me in front of a group of students and my weariness or illness seem to disappear! :-) It's hard to believe that I have former students turning 53 this year! And I've seen some who now look older than I. Yikes! :-D
• May 25, 2009, Dave writes: In response to your questioning whether or not the Chinese shooting range picture was real...it appears to be...check out the link below: http://www.honeyisland.org/images/chinese.jpg Dave’s last blog post..Charles Lindbergh’s BBQ Apron
• May 25, 2009, Rob writes: @Dave - Yikes! is all I can say! You have to hope the marksmen have excellent aim.
• May 26, 2009, Uwe writes: Is a bad job better than no job? I think this depends on many points. May be that temporarily doing a job I don't like is a good training from the Lord to make me more available and capable to every good work. So if I ask Him to lead me to His honour and glory and if it is my intention to fulfill the task he gave me to glorify Him with my life, such a period may be necessary. However, it is not only true in theory but it's also my experience that he has a way for everyone who trusts in Him. Several years ago I had a time of "no job". But the Lord gave me the grace that I could believe in His leading also in that. In this time I could first work as a consultant for 16 months. After this I had no work for nearly 5 months. But then he gave me a new job. First again as a consultant and about 400 km far away from my home in that time. But a few weeks later I could apply for this job to get it with permanent contract also because it was showed very clearly that this job suited very well to me. The job I actually may do is so clearly given by Him that I'm entirely sure that I'm now there where he wants to have me. So my wife and I moved in this area of Germany where we're now living since 2 years. However, this job is not my dream job, even if it suits to me in many aspects. But actually I know the Lord wants to have me here, and that's enough for this moment. More is subjected to His further leading and what is connected with that also regarding my skills and further personally development of me and my wife. So actually I may have peace on this point. (Unfortunately I cannot tell the whole story here - this would require much more room.)
• May 26, 2009, Rob writes: @Uwe - You have added a wonderful perspective to this question. I agree completely that many times the Lord clearly leads His children to a job that they do not thoroughly enjoy, just to teach them more about Himself, about themselves, about His Word, about life, and about other things too numerous to mention. Being in the center of God's will is wonderful, although not always easy. He does not promise us an easy path, but He has promised to go with us on the path He choses for us. I rejoiced as you told us your more complete story in our home and in the home of Phil your last evening with us. I rejoiced, not because your story included difficulties, but because you saw Him and His kind hand in the midst of those difficulties. I pray that you will continue to do that in all of God's leading in your life. Please pray that I will do the same in my life. (I removed your apology for your English. You have no need for such apologies — you expressed yourself perfectly well. :-) )

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Last weekend I posted the first half of my list of Tom Swifties. I learned from a comment to that post that there are a number of eBooks from the Tom Swift series that are free to download. You can do that at http://www.gutenberg.org/browse/authors/a#a267 Using the search function at the top of that page you can find eBooks by many authors in many languages.

The picture on the right is a Tom Swift book published in 1929 in which he marries his longtime girlfriend, Mary Nestor. When you think about what a Ford Model A looked like at that time, you realize how much this book was ahead of its time with this forerunner of the RV's of today.

As I promised, here is the second half of my list of Tom Swifties.

"I guess we could add a yellow flower to the bouquet," said Tom lackadaisically.

"I'm tired of trying to understand girls," said Tom lassitudinously.

"Which floor would you like to go to?" asked Tom liftingly.

"I forgot what to pick up at the store," said Tom listlessly.

"Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.

"Oh come on! It's not that hard — just add this list of X numbers and divide the sum by X," said Tom meanly.

"A thousand thanks, monsieur," said Tom mercifully.

"She's already married," said Tom mistakenly.

"This isn't real turtle soup," said Tom mockingly.

"Sometimes I like to milk cows, and other times I prefer to eat pickles," said Tom moodily.

"At the end of an auction I always end up buying too much and am dead tired," said Tom morbidly.

"How come my clock makes only 'toc's?" Tom asked mystically.

"You're a real zero," said Tom naughtily.

"That's the last time I'll pet a lion," said Tom offhandedly.

"Hey, great! My glasses are all fogged up," said Tom optimistically.

"Oh, well, another broken window," said Tom painlessly.

"From time to time I have to renew my subscriptions," said Tom periodically.

"Hey, how's about brewing me some coffee," said Tom perkily.

"This dessert is divine," said Tom piously.

"Nevermore will I read The Raven," said Tom poetically.

"This pencil is so dull," said Tom pointlessly.

"I joined the Lion's Club," said Tom pridefully.

"We've located Tiger Woods," said Tom profoundly.

"I enjoy starting fights when I play hockey," said Tom puckishly.

"I cut my nails too short," said Tom quickly.

"I must patch this coat." said Tom raggedly.

"The river has gotten rough," said Tom rapidly.

"That's all you get for now," said Tom rationally.

"I could eat a crow!" said Tom ravenously.

"I have books about Communism, said Tom readily.

"I'd paint it blue again," said Tom reassuringly.

"I haven't had an accident in ten years," said Tom recklessly.

"That was such a nice mirror!" said Tom reflectively.

"I have to take the telegrapher's test again, said Tom remorsefully.

"I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," sighed Tom remotely.

"I'm an ordained minister," said Tom reverently.

"Frankly, my dear, should I care?" asked Tom rhetorically.

"I've had enough of these Paris streets," said Tom ruefully.

"I need a home run hitter," said Tom ruthlessly.

"To cook well, you must use the right herbs," said Tom sagely.

"I'm too tired for this evening's tryst with a mermaid," said Tom sedately.

"No, you may not buy my halibut?" Tom asked selfishly.

"Have I been to Egypt?" asked Tom senilely.

"I'd love to see my penny collection again," said Tom sentimentally.

"There's the dog star," said Tom seriously.

"I've been neglecting my flock," said Tom sheepishly.

"Never fear. Some day, people will be able to take civil action against computers," said Tom soothingly.

"Plenty of starch, if you please," said Tom stiffly.

"After the realignment that car is so easy to steer!" Tom said straightforwardly.

"Moby Dick is a really nice book," said Tom superficially.

"You've already shown me how to do that," said Tom tautly.

"I buy only Newsweek," said Tom timelessly.

"Is your name Timothy or Russell?" asked Tom timorously.

"We have another flat," sighed Tom tiredly.

"I was adopted," said Tom transparently.

"I'll always be a ditch digger," said Tom trenchantly.

"You punched me in the stomach three times," said Tom triumphantly.

"I'm a softball pitcher," said Tom underhandedly.

"I want to date around," said Tom unsteadily.

"I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.

"I passed my electrocardiogram," said Tom wholeheartedly.

"As my sole heir, you get it all," said Tom willfully.

" ..., and you lose a few," said Tom winsomely.

"I know all the wherefores," said Tom wisely.

"I can't get this horse to stop," said Tom woefully.

"I'm going to knit a sweater for my guppy," said Tom wolfishly.

"I'll have the dark bread," said Tom wryly.

"When I didn't talk nicely, my mother made me eat soap," said Tom zestfully.

"You know, I'm beginning to HATE adverbs!" said Tom.

After the first post of Tom Swifties, several people commented that they were surprised to learn that the series of books had all been written under one pseudonym, but by several authors. If you'd like to learn the names of some of the men and women who share that pseudonym, you can see them at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Appleton.

I'll give you a couple of weeks to recover from these before posting some puns called Croakers. In the Tom Swifty family, Croakers use verbs, rather than adverbs, to deliver the pun-chline.

quotation...

"The people who believe in a god who doesn't know what to do don't believe in the God of the Bible." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

A bumper sticker my wife and I saw on the car ahead of us this week — "This driver carries no cash. He's married."

Comments

• May 23, 2009, Brian writes: I grew up reading either the third or the fourth series' Tom Swift reboot. Along with the original Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew series. Isn't it amazing that Tom can invent all those nifty gadgets and solve all those weird mysteries and still be underage by the last book! :-) Kind of like those Box Car Children, there are over 100 books but when it's all said and done they are still adolescents.
• May 23, 2009, Sue writes: As for authorship of Tom Swift, the same holds true for Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, and Dana Girls. Franklin W. Dixon and Carolyn Keene are also pseudonyms, and they utilized a variety of ghostwriters. The Nancy Drew series authors were mostly men.
• May 23, 2009, Rob writes: @Brian - All the young people in these series were amazing! Not only were they and their peers ageless, they were far beyond their age in abilities and the freedom to use those abilities instead of doing homework and household chores. ;-) @Sue - I had heard that about the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books. When I was in junior high and high school I used a lot of my earnings from my little part-time jobs to buy Hardy Boys books. They went to my son who enjoyed them, and they are now in the classroom where he teaches 4th grade.
• May 23, 2009, Ann writes: I felt so disillusioned when I first learned that there wasn't anyone named Carolyn Keene. There were 56 books in the original series. Of those 56 books, only five of them were written by men. The Stratemeyer Syndicate would write a detailed outline for each book and then pay hack writers a one time payment. The Syndicate collected any and all royalties. Names such as Carolyn Keene are known as collective pen names. Stratemeyer was behind the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, Dana Girls, Hardy Boys, Ruth Fielding, Tom Swift, and many other series. It is why "Laura Lee Hope" could publish her first Bobbsey Twins book in 1905 and still be writing new books in the 1970s. Re: The Boxcar Children...The first 19 books in the series were written by Gertrude Chandler Warner. Warner was a first-grade teacher who wrote the books for her students. For those books, Warner was not a pseudonym. In those books, the four children did grow older with the last book having the oldest Alden (Henry) being in college. However, how long can you keep a children's series going if all of the characters grow up? The last book written by Warner was published in 1976. She died in 1979. New books written by a number of ghostwriters were published starting in 1991 with book #20. Book #119 is/will be released this year. Beginning with #20, the Alden children's ages are frozen in time. Henry is forever 14. Jessie is 12. Violet is 10, and Benny is 5. Some of this came from Wikipedia. The rest of it came out of my own head :-) I'm not an elementary school teacher or anything like that. I just happen to be addicted to children's fiction.
• May 24, 2009, Donna writes: Trixie Belden was my favorite growing up. That was another one where they started out growing older for the first 7 books or so, then stayed the same ages forever. As a child, I was puzzled by the contradictions that I found from book to book (I collected them all), but they were solved later when I found out that this series also was written by a "series" of ghost writers. The best were the 13th and 14th books - Mystery on Cobbett's Island and The Mystery of the Emeralds.

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WARNING: Don't read these unless you're in a place where you are free to laugh out loud at least several times.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mother's helper – peasant working conditions.

I really enjoy hearing from the commenters on my blog. If you don't get to the blog itself and read the comments, you're missing some of the best humor. Or worse yet, you could be depriving the other readers of the laugh they would get from your comment!

I'll be back at you this weekend with the second installment of Tom Swifties. Hope your week ends well.

quotation...

"Be what you want them to become, or you will become what they are." - Dr. Gordon Dickson

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"LITE" — the new way to spell "LIGHT" with 20% fewer letters!

Comments

• May 21, 2009, Vikki writes: I want Mr. Giggles!! He looks so cute and lovable!! Also, should be a good match with my great dame!!!
• May 21, 2009, LeAnne writes: Where I grew up in Michigan, we had a pizza place called Toarmina's that specialized in really big pizzas. The side of their box advertised (without punctuation) "24 foot long pieces."
• May 21, 2009, Brian writes: these are so funny!!! and terrible! Brian’s last blog post..That's Not Music
• May 21, 2009, Greg writes: These ads jsut porve that not all neswpapres profo raed the adds all teh tmie. :-)
• May 21, 2009, Rob writes: @Vikki - I'm so sorry, but I have no idea how you can adopt Mr. Giggles since the phone number has been obscured in the ad. Maybe you can locate another cute, lovable dog for your great dame? @LeAnne - It's kind of amazing what a missing hyphen can do, isn't it? @Brian - Glad you liked them, or not? :-) @Greg - Sure dose.
• May 21, 2009, Michael writes: The last two ads with photos were awesome. Thankfully, my wife also does not like cats (we're both allergic) so that is a battle I don't see us fighting in the future. And, Mr. Giggles! I wonder if that dog was actually purchased. A question I have is who is the person who reads all these classifieds to find the mistakes that have been made? Are these lonely people who are desperate for entertainment?
• May 21, 2009, Rob writes: @Michael - Glad you enjoyed them. I usually put some of the funniest stuff at the end of my posts as a reward to those who stick with it and get all the way through. Congrats on your reward! :-D I have to laugh at the irony of your question — my signature line for this post was almost "Were the mistakes left in the items above for the people who need to correct others to make their lives fulfilled?"
• May 22, 2009, Dahv writes: Just curious, but what's that funny string of punctuation at the end by your name?
• May 22, 2009, Rob writes: @Dahv - It just dawned on me what you were asking about: =^..^= =^..^= Rob Depending on what font you are using when viewing my blog or e-mails, it may be more or less clear. =^..^= is a cat ... whiskers, ear, eyes, ear, and whiskers. In some of my oldest blog posts there were three cats — that was before we had to put Linus down after he was so weakened and emaciated from cancer. Then it dropped to two cats =^..^= =^..^= (Adelaide and Clementine). Both of them are borderline geriatric, so you'll just have to watch the funny punctuation.... :-)
• May 22, 2009, John T writes: There was classified ad in our very own Greenville News several years ago for someone selling a pet boa constrictor that "answers to Lefty." The thought of a snake that would respond when called, let alone one that had a right-or-left-handedness about it struck me as hilarious.
• May 22, 2009, Carrie writes: I'll take the high chair that converts to a spring coat. :o)
• May 23, 2009, Rob writes: @John - That is really bizarre about Lefty the boa! Thanks for sharing it. I agree with your analysis of it all. :-) @Carrie - It's yours, if you can find it!

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In a recent post called Extra! Extra! Read all about it! I talked about the decline in circulation and subsequent demise of some newspapers that have been around for years. One of the favorite sections of the paper that many people will miss is the classifieds. Though meant to be helpful, but they are often a great source of humor, intentionally or otherwise.

I have scans of quite a few funny classifieds as well as text of some reportedly real ads. Because of the sheer quantity, I'm breaking the post into two parts. Here are some particularly poorly-worded ads.

WARNING: Don't read these unless you're in a place where you are free to laugh out loud at least several times.

I'll start off with some help wanted ads.

Here are some items for sale.

Here are several (a little too?) personal ads.

Illiterate? Write today for help.

Auto Repair Service. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and Save! Limit one per customer.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

WANTED: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Vacation special: Have your home exterminated.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For rent: Six-room hated apartment.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Man, honest, will take anything.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

And who said spelling and word order don't matter?!

I have added part 2 to this post – http://blog.ivman.com/crazy-classifieds-part-2

Our campus son Tim, whom I mentioned in the post Rules of the Air, has written a book that will be off the presses this summer. I'd like to share the link to his website about this book Inherited Freedom. I was privileged to be one of his readers before the book went into production. It's a good tribute to both of his grandfathers, soldiers in the Greatest Generation. I've put a link to his site in the links on my sidebar.

I'll end this post with a picture I received today that was just screaming out to be shared. The subject line of the e-mail read:

It's official. There is a recession!

quotation...

"Much of the trouble we face is self-inflicted." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Editing is a rewording activity.

Comments

• May 19, 2009, Laura writes: Those were great! It's amazing what a misplaced modifier can do (or undo) in a sentence. :)
• May 20, 2009, Rob writes: @Laura - Glad you enjoyed them. I was starting to wonder if I were the only one who did! I laughed out loud on several of them.
• May 20, 2009, Vikki writes: Church bulletins are quite often full of things like this, especially in smaller churches where no one proofs it before it hits the copier. I remember back in my high school days (when the knights in shining armor roamed the lands rescuing damsels from dragons) reading in the news paper shortly before the start of a new school year about the dress codes for that year. It said "Skirts to the knee and hair cut above the tops of the ears." OK, so do the boys need to wear the skirts above the knees and the girls the short hair or the other way around? My mother and I read it several times and had a good laugh.
• May 20, 2009, Kent writes: Rob, I should have cut it out of the G'ville paper, but in the classified section under musical instruments – a toilet was advertised.
• May 20, 2009, b.j. writes: I was almost a victim of my own "small church bulletin blunder", since I write, proof, and print everything. Someone wanted to include a praise that locally, Christmas giving to the Salvation Army was was up this year. I was in a hurry, and needed to shorten the sentence, so I wrote "local Salvation Army giving up this year." I'm so glad I caught it before it was too late!
• May 20, 2009, Rob writes: @Vikki and b.j. - Ah yes, church bulletin bloopers! They are a great source of amusement and amazement. I did a post with a few in it. I need to do some more soon. You can read the ones I have on the blog at http://blog.ivman.com/bloopers @Kent - That would be a great one to see. It conjures up all kinds of mental images. Nuff said.... :-D
• May 20, 2009, Vikki writes: I bet if you asked you readers for some they have personally seen (as opposed to in an e-mail) you could really get some good church bulletin bloopers. How about church sign saying goofs while you're at it?
• May 20, 2009, Rob writes: I'll have to explore that one, Vikki. Before you became an ivman reader, I did several group projects that were lots of fun. Thanks for the suggestion.

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"During the early part of the 20th century, boys and girls grew up devouring the adventures of Tom Swift, a sterling young hero created by Edward Stratemeyer," wrote Richard Lederer in his book Get Thee to a Punnery. The first book in the series, Tom Swift and His Motor Cycle, published in 1910, was the first of a number written by ghostwriters, all of whom published under the pseudonym Victor Appleton. Tom and his friends and enemies never just said something — they always said it excitedly or sadly or hurriedly. An off-shoot of those books is an adverbial pun game known as Tom Swifties. The object of the game is to match an adverb with a statement to produce hilarious puns.

Some of these puns are pretty deep and even multilayered. So if you love puns, give yourself plenty of time to enjoy these to the max. Since the list of Tom Swifties I have is so long, I'm breaking it into several posts. Today's post is adverbs starting with the letters a — j.

I'll start you off with a trio of related Tom Swifty puns, then the rest are in alphabetical order, by the adverbs used.

"My stereo is broken," said Tom disconsolately.
"My stereo's half-fixed," said Tom monotonously.
"My stereo sounds great now," said Tom ecstatically.

"I can take or leave modern painting," said Tom abstractly.

"No, Eve! Don't eat that fruit," said Tom adamantly.

"I think I'm back from my lobotomy," said Tom absentmindedly.

"Thou canst not have this and eat it too," said Tom archaically.

"England is okay, except there seems to be at least one insect in every restroom," said Tom aloofly.

"This boat leaks," said Tom balefully.

"I'll give you a haircut you'll NEVER forget!" said Tom barbarously.

"I'm ashamed to admit I keep banging my head on things," said Tom bashfully.

"When I get stung, I want revenge," said Tom begrudgingly.

"I'm sure we can fool them into thinking this is pollen," said Tom beguilingly.

"I'm being sent down to the minors," said Tom beleagueredly.

"I wouldn't give that hornet any higher than a 5," said Tom beratingly.

"How am I supposed to know what to play? There's nothing on this staff paper!" Tom noted blankly.

"I need a pencil sharpener right now," said Tom bluntly.

"I'll use a different font style," said Tom boldly.

"Ho, hum ... I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.

"This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully.

"The stock market's going up," said Tom bullishly.

"So, where could I get a new computer like this" said Tom calculatingly.

"Rowing the boat won't hurt your hands," said Tom callously.

"The symphony wasn't played!" cried Tom disconcertedly.

"Your new dress looks great with all those animal hairs all over it?" said Tom cattily, yet doggedly.

"I've run out of laundry detergent," said Tom cheerlessly.

"Don't tell them I said so, but your family in Scotland has a great future," said Tom clandestinely.

"Oh, come on. We could teach the world to sing," said Tom coaxingly.

"You've got all the blankets," said Tom coldly.

"I'll take the wretched prisoner downstairs," said Tom condescendingly.

"The escaped prisoner is camping in the woods," said Tom contentedly.

"I'm writing a poem extolling the rebels in Nicaragua," said Tom controversially.

"We Cancers don't believe in horoscopes," Tom asked crabbily.

"Give me some more macaroni and cheese, and I'll tell you the secret," said Tom craftily.

"Oh, no! I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom crestfallenly.

"I've struck oil," said Tom crudely.

"I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.

"Want to visit some tombs?" asked Tom cryptically.

"I don't want to watch the eclipse," said Tom darkly.

"Let those bugs just try to get in here!" said Tom defiantly.

"Of course you'll graduate," said Tom diplomatically.

"I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.

"Believe it or not, my favorite statue is Venus de Milo," said Tom disarmingly.

"That sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.

"This place doesn't smell bad anymore," said Tom distinctly.

"I just returned from China," said Tom disorientedly. (Rob the ivman has said this twice in the past.)

"My hair's been cut off," said Tom distressfully.

"Roll over, boy! Come on – roll over! ROLL OVER!!!" Tom said doggedly.

"I can't eat another bite of pineapple," said Tom dolefully.

"I could stand a Coca-Cola about now," said Tom dryly.

"I'll pay off that customs official," said Tom dutifully.

"Now I have everything I need to paint your portrait," said Tom easily.

"Yippee! My pantlegs no longer cling," Tom said ecstatically.

"Hmm.... I think you'd better keep an eye on that orbit," said Tom elliptically.

"Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.

"I've lost my trousers," said Tom expansively.

"Get away from the dynamite," said Tom explosively.

"I used to work as a conductor," said Tom extraneously.

"I used to command a battalion of German ants," said Tom exuberantly.

"Eins, zwei, drei, fünf ... see, I can count to five in German" said Tom fearlessly.

"I love watching the women skaters," said Tom figuratively.

"This jacket's too tight," said Tom fitfully.

"Apartment living is all right, I guess," said Tom flatly

"Yeah, for a short time I commanded a whole group of ships," said Tom fleetingly.

"Anyone can make pancakes," said Tom flippantly.

"This chimney works well," said Tom fluently.

"Only my first three answers were wrong," said Tom forthrightly.

"Here, have yet another hot dog," said Tom frankly.

"That insect is female," said Tom gallantly.

"Anyone know who commanded the Confederate army?" Tom asked generally.

"Eating uranium makes me feel like I'm brilliant," said Tom glowingly.

"I just won 1,000 dollars," said Tom grandly.

"Thanks for shredding the cheese," said Tom gratefully.

"I'll try to dig it up for you," said Tom gravely.

"I collect fairy tales," said Tom grimly.

"So far I've killed 144 cockroaches in my house," said Tom grossly.

"She tore my Valentine in two, said Tom halfheartedly.

"Hallelujah!" sang Tom handily.

"Quick, eat some pudding!" said Tom hastily.

"It's the maid's night off," said Tom helplessly.

"We've won the Kentucky Derby," screamed Tom hoarsely.

"Sorry, troops, but there's no Christmas show this year," said Tom hopelessly.

"Come convalesce at my place," said Tom hospitably.

"I'm as strong as a sled dog," said Tom huskily.

"Pass me the deck of cards," said Tom ideally.

"That bird is a protected species, and I've made it sick," said Tom illegally.

"No doctor has treated me yet," said Tom impatiently.

"This chicken has no beak," said Tom impeccably.

"My blood pressure doesn't register," said Tom impulsively.

"You don't want to catch my bad cold, do you?" asked Tom infectiously.

"I've locked onto the target," said Tom insightfully.

"As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp," said Tom intently.

"Forgive me, but I'm a little rusty," said Tom ironically.

"My pants are no longer wrinkled," said Tom ironically.

"Make way for me, His Majesty Joseph," said Tom jokingly.

"I find these blintzes very good indeed!" said Tom judiciously.

For the next several weekends I plan to do "bonus posts" of Tom Swifties. This is part of my effort to republish my personal favorites of my old ivman archives on the blog instead. When the ivman.com domain had to be rebuilt, I decided to simplify my life by not putting out any of the archives, neither the archived iv's nor the funny pictures. If there's something you really enjoyed that you would like to see republished on my blog soon, let me know through the contact link.

If you'd like to learn more about the books and the various Tom Swift series since the original series, here are several links:

http://www.tomswift.info/homepage/oldindex.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Swift

Do you have a favorite among the Tom Swifties in today's blog post? Or better yet, maybe you can think of some of your own with adverbs starting with the letters a — j and post them in the comments.

quotation...

"The first duty of every soul is not to find its freedom but its master." British Congregationalist P.T. Forsyth

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

....sdrawkcab lla smees tsuj gnihtyreve semitemoS

Comments

• May 16, 2009, Peter Vedder writes: Following on with the one, "Oh, no! I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom crestfallenly. "I can't even find my toothpaste," said Tom aimlessly "I squeezed my toothpaste too hard," said Tom with a gleam in his eye.
• May 16, 2009, Rob writes: @Peter - Good ones! Thanks for adding them. Actually your second on is called a "Croaker." It's like a Tom Swifty, except that the pun is made with the verb. Then there are even "Double Croakers" where the the pun is made with several parts of speech. Tune in on future weekends.... :-D
• May 16, 2009, Carrie writes: Thanks for the groans. . . Carrie’s last blog post..No-So Carbon Neutral Expedition
• May 17, 2009, Rob writes: @Carrie - I think I heard those groans all the way from Alaska. Was that you? asked Rob remotely. :-)
• May 18, 2009, Terry E. writes: LOL. I have read every one of the originals as a kid. My dad passed them down to me. My son has them now.
• May 18, 2009, Tony writes: Rob said: "Eins, zwei, drei, fünf ... see, I can count to five in German" said Tom fearlessly. "Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, neun, zehn ... siehst Du, ich kann bis zu zehn zahlen," sagte Tom, ohne Acht zu geben.
• May 18, 2009, Rob writes: @Terry - That is so cool! What heirlooms! @Tony - Das ist wunderbar! For the sake of readers who don't read German, Tony did a great pun in German. In German the words acht and Acht are pronounced exactly alike (homonyms). The word with the lowercase a means eight and the uppercase means attention. The punny part would be translated "said Tom without giving attention. I'll give no further explanation. Those who are interested should be able to figure out the pun with what I've given. Anyway, thanks, Tony! :-D
• May 21, 2009, Ann writes: Rob, I don't think that the second pun of Peter's is a croaker. The pun is made with the noun toothpaste as Aim is a brand of toothpaste. For anyone who loves the Tom Swift books or similar ones, you can find the e-texts at http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page The site contains approximately 10,000 e-texts which are free. I've downloaded several hundred books from series like Tom Swift, Camp Fire Girls, High School Boys, etc.
• May 21, 2009, Rob writes: @Ann - The first of Peter's puns with the brand name Aim was a Tom Swifty, since aimlessly is an adverb. You're probably right that the second pun wasn't a true Croaker since the end would have had to read, "Tom gleamed." But it's also not a true Tom Swifty since the brand name Gleam was used as the object of a preposition in the pun and not as the non-existent adverb gleamly. I'm really not sure how it should be classed, other than as a good pun. ;-) Thanks for the link to the downloadable books! I'm sure some readers will enjoy doing that.

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